Ice Breaker
by FallingMarshmallows
Summary: A new year has begun, and Atobe and Sanada are both keeping a journal. When a strange event forces them to interact, one of them suspects foul play from none other than Yukimura. [A Tango Pair collab fic by FallingSilver and ToastedMarshmallow.]
1. Two Tickets

**Authors' Note:** Hello, everyone! This is a collaborative fanfic written by **FallingSilver** and **ToastedMarshmallow**, starring Atobe and Sanada. It's also a story with a unique format: it's written like two separate journals, so there will be a journal entry from Sanada, then an entry from Atobe for that same day, and it will continue to switch back and forth between the two perspectives. We hope it will be interesting and not too hard to follow. And most importantly, we hope you will enjoy it!

Sanada's part of the journal is being written by **ToastedMarshmallow**, and Atobe's part is written by **FallingSilver**. We are attempting to use their voices and write like it really is the characters who are writing these entries. So Sanada will be more abrupt and to-the-point, and Atobe will use long sentences and have a refined vocabulary. XD Yes, there is a method to our madness, at least in theory.

**Beware:** There are mild **spoilers** for events that have already happened in the manga (mostly having to do with the outcome of the Hyotei match during Nationals). And there is **slash/shonen-ai/yaoi/BL/whatever you call it**. _Lots_ of it. As well as discussions about established relationships (as in boyfriends) and teenage angst. **And consider yourself warned…** There are pairings in this fic that have never even been written about in the fandom before, at least not to our knowledge. Please don't kill us. Expect to see SanaYuki, Tango Pair, and various other side pairings.

**We adore reviewers and shower them with love and rose petals. **However, we are sadly blind and deaf to pointless flaming. Oh, and we don't own these characters, or PoT either. Enjoy!

**

* * *

１２月３１日日曜日。**

**Sunday, December 31st**

Tomorrow's a new year, so I'm starting a new journal. Although, it seems strange to me to even have a journal… If anyone had asked me this time last year if I would be keeping a journal a year later, I would have given them a confident "no." I'm not the sort of person who likes to dwell on things, much less write them down. But I started journaling a little halfway through this year, at Renji's suggestion. He told me that I was "repressing emotions," and that it "wasn't healthy, especially now that you're going through puberty and suffering severe and confusing emotional changes." I don't know about all of that… but it does feel like a good release sometimes, to write things down. So I wrote sporadically this year, but I wasn't consistent at all. In the new year, I am resolving to write every day.

If anyone read what I wrote, I think they'd say it didn't sound like me. When I go back and read it myself, it sometimes sounds strange, even to me. I think it's because I don't talk much, in general. But I'm always thinking. I write down all of those thoughts, or at least, what I can remember by the time I get around to writing. It's all of the things no one would ever hear me actually say. Which, in most cases, is a good thing…

When I write like this, my thoughts aren't even coherent. When I look back I notice that I tend to switch topics very quickly. Usually that's because I don't know what to write, so I sit here, staring at the page for a while, thinking. And then what I eventually write down is something completely unrelated to what I was writing before. I could never be a writer. I don't know how writers do this every day. Not only do they stay on topic, but they make it sound nice. I have to say, my writing isn't exactly poetry. I'm not really used to expressing my thoughts in words, verbally or on paper. In some ways, I envy those lucky people who seem to have a way with words. I'm definitely not one of them.

Anyway, I'll write more tomorrow. I just kind of wanted to get this started. Right now, I need to go celebrate the New Year with my family. We're going to stay up all night and watch the sun rise.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１２月３１日日曜日**

**Sunday, December 31st**

While it goes without saying that I am not at home for the holidays, as I never am, I must admit that I would not have expected to find myself completely alone on New Year's Eve with this journal as my sole companion. And yet thus is my present situation, mostly by my own choice. Of course, the usual party is in full swing on the rooftop: Father rented the entire top floor of the complex for his customarily extravagant New Year's soirée, and almost everyone who's anyone in New York has long since arrived and checked their well-known name off of the guest list. It's the epitome of my father's way of spending the holidays: jet off to our penthouse apartment in Manhattan just to get out of the house (and spend some time strengthening his ever-important "connections" over expensive alcoholic beverages).

To be fair, I was in the thick of it all for nearly two hours and had more than enough company among these indiscreet Americans, as the minutes continued to slip on toward the anticipated destination of midnight. But I had just about exhausted even my flawless English skills, in a gracious attempt to converse with the few young people in the room, when some artificially-tanned, bleached-blonde female with the intellectual depth of spilt milk had the gall to start flirting with me. Of course, I endured the first few winks with admirable patience, but when she went so far as to propose a quick sexual encounter in the bathroom… Well, it goes without saying that I was not amused, and having no desire to correct her erroneous assumption about my personal preferences in _that_ department, I excused myself from the festivities.

And so here I am, sitting alone in our silent apartment on the twenty-first floor, with nothing but blank paper and a pen for company. I didn't originally intend to spend this time writing, but a trip out onto our balcony did absolutely nothing to distract me from my own thoughts… Staring down from this height at the rabble of city goers, that pulsating crowd that stands there waiting in riotous anticipation for the world-famous ball to drop, has become such a familiar sight to me that it only makes me feel more alone than I already do.

Yes, I do feel alone, a reality that would probably be inconceivable to those who think they know me best. But this comes as no real surprise to me, and it should come as no surprise to this book, either… The previous pages of this volume have given more than enough indication of my feelings on the subject. Indeed, I've mentioned it far more than I would like to, and have no desire to discuss it any further…

Why, then, does this feeling of loneliness, this nagging feeling that I have been constantly trying to push out of my mind, only become more urgent and demanding on a night such as this? Is it the anticipation of a new year, which naturally leads me to look back on the old one, a space of twelve months whose irritating losses and failures I aim only to forget? Is it the unnerving silence of this dark apartment, an emptiness that is strangely similar to the sensation of standing on that crowded rooftop, where the only reason people know your name is because they are hoping to strike a business deal with your father? Can it possibly be as simple as this, when these are circumstances that are not new to me, and therefore should have no particular weight on this particular night?

Or is this loneliness the product of something else, the reaction to an image that can best be summarized in the sight of those thousands of couples, those unknowingly fortunate beings who lie far below my feet, who though they have no grandiose penthouse apartment, nevertheless have something that I do not…

They have someone by their side who will kiss them when the clock of this old year runs out.

This is a sentimental remark, of course, the kind that I only indulge in when it can be made with the confidential silence of ink. And as superficial as even my closest friends are constantly assuming me to be, I am not so foolish as to think that what I truly want is just a simple kiss at midnight. No, I want something much more than that, something with passion and meaning. What I want is a genuine relationship with someone who truly longs to be with me, and who wants to know more about me than the extent of my personal fortune or the monthly total of my allowance. What I want is a person who will treasure the slightest attention from me more than anything that my money could buy.

Of course, this impossible desire is one of my deepest secrets, which is why I will never confide it to any living thing. Instead, it resides here, trapped between these pages just like it is locked within my heart, never to leave my lips unless my wish should ever come to fruition…

I can hear the noise outside now, as it swells to a frenzied roar. The crowd is counting down the numbers, watching that silver sphere as it falls toward the earth, the sign of a new beginning that they doubtless believe will be even better than the last, as unlikely as that assumption may be. So it is now officially a new year, January 1st, though I feel no such new beginning in my own life, as much as I may hope for it.

It occurs to me, as I glance back through this volume with something like nostalgia, that I will need another blank book soon, as I have come close to filling up the pages inside of this one. I would start a new journal at the start of this new year, as I have done for nearly all of the years that I have been writing in these books, but I have not gotten around to purchasing one yet. Well, there are still pages to fill, and since I have not yet felt my own new beginning for this year, I see no reason to create a literal one in my journaling habits.

I can hear the noise above my head growing more and more urgent, as the party on the rooftop reaches its final climax, that time just before the guests will slowly start to file out of the building in anticipation of other pleasures for the night. Father will be looking for me, and I don't wish to risk a scolding by being conspicuously absent when people are saying goodbye. And so I will close, with the tentative statement that I expect this year to be at least somewhat better than the regrettable year that I have just concluded, though in what way, I really cannot anticipate.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１日月曜日。**

**Monday, January 1st**

I love New Year's. Everyone forgets about the mistakes and worries of the last twelve months, and everything starts over again. It's during winter, too, so it's easy to imagine that when the new year begins, it's like everything is being covered with a fresh blanket of clean, white snow.

This is rare for me; I'm waxing poetic.

Still, it is nice to be able to put my past behind me, and start fresh again. Especially after this last year… There are so many things I want to forget. Well, maybe not _forget _completely… but I definitely want to move on now. It was a hard year; let's just leave it at that.

I still have a week left of vacation. That's such a strange feeling. What am I going to do with all of that time? During the summer (the busiest part of the year for us tennis players), breaks like this one are spent training. I guess I could train now, too, for next year… Maybe find some inside courts and practice my serve, or run, or just lift weights… But then I think Yukimura would laugh at me and tell me that I need to take it easy. He's always telling me that.

I finally get to see Yukimura again tomorrow. We're going to the New Year's festival by his house. I'm excited; I haven't seen him for three whole days. Maybe that's not so long… but it _feels _long. I would have insisted on seeing him sooner, but we're both celebrating New Year's Day with our families, and I understand how important that is.

I used to like New Year's better than Christmas, because I got to spend it with my family. But this winter, I think I enjoyed Christmas more, because I spent it with my friends—mostly, Yukimura.

Since this is a new journal, I feel like I should explain. Yukimura and I have been going out for almost five months now. It's kind of a weird story, how it happened… I'm not even sure _what _happened, really. While he was sick and in the hospital, I visited him at least four times a week; most weeks, it was every day. We talked a lot, and I guess we got really close. So after he got out of the hospital, of course he and I spent a lot more time together. Hanging out somehow turned into _going _out (after we realized how we really felt about each other), and now he's my boyfriend. After five months, I admit that it still feels strange to call him that… It seemed like a logical progression, though, in some ways. To be honest, I think everyone expected it to happen sooner. I've always admired him. And he told me that he's always been fond of me, although I can't imagine why. I really don't deserve him. I often wonder how I got so lucky.

My life is basically perfect right now. I have so much to be grateful for: tennis season is OVER—I don't want to think about it anymore—it's a new year, I have a perfectboyfriend, the school year is winding down, and high school looks like it's going to start out great.

This year is going to be _perfect._

It finally seems like I've got everything under control. It's a great feeling. Last year, even before the year began really, everything started spinning out of control. I never want that to happen again… I felt so helpless through all of it. Everything—all the horrible events that took place—was beyond my power to fix or prevent in any way. But so many people were relying on me… Everyone (even Yukimura, somewhat) looked to me to solve all of those problems. And I just couldn't.

Not this year. This year, I've got it under control.

I'm feeling very tense all of a sudden. I think I need to go stretch, then maybe meditate for a little while. That usually helps me relax.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１日月曜日**

**Monday, January 1st**

It is a long way from New York to Tokyo. This is a fact that I have known for years, since my very first trip to the so-called Big Apple at the age of seven, but that does not make the flight back to Japan feel any shorter. If anything, the familiarity only adds more hours onto the seemingly endless journey.

Of course, all of my friends would doubtless remark in unison that I really shouldn't complain, since I am after all passing the time in a private jet. But even though it's true that it must be better than flying commercially – not that I would actually know – it doesn't change the fact that I have a long stretch of hours in front of me, with nothing to do but waste them. And even though it would probably be a perfect time to just sit here and finish filling up this journal, I suddenly find that I have absolutely nothing to write about, which up until now has not been the case for weeks. Well, irony is certainly the persistent little gremlin in my life – no matter how much I think I am in control of a given situation, it still manages to show up at all the wrong times and turn my world upside down. At least, that was certainly the case over this past year.

After all, is it not irony that a nameless junior high school would push _my_ team, the Hyotei tennis team, out of the final four of the City Tournament, a phenomenon that has not occurred since our tennis program's inception? Is it not irony that this would be the circumstance that would cause our team to face Seishun Gakuen in the opening round at the Kanto Tournament, and not to their detriment, but rather to ours? And it could be nothing but irony that I finally got my chance to face Tezuka Kunimitsu on the court back then, only to win against him and yet still feel as though I had lost.

And it is certainly irony that finally led Hyotei's tennis team, _my_ tennis team, to the National Tournament, even in spite of our unsightly defeat… It was a deeply cruel irony that it was Seigaku, once again, that was to be our downfall in that tournament. And above all else, the most painful irony of all was my personal fate in that match, the irony of being completely humiliated on the court by none other than Tezuka's five-foot-tall protégé, that impertinent little freshman whose greatest asset appears to be his decidedly unguarded mouth. Why, the mere idea of Atobe Keigo, the only captain in the history of Hyotei Gakuen to be unanimously elected, the man adored by hundreds of his fellow students and admired by everyone he meets, because he rightfully _earns_ that admiration, defeated by that sneering little egoist with a tennis racquet---!

Well. As free as I should feel to rant in my private journal, and as much as I have written about it before, in terms much more heated than these, I cannot help but leave it at that. After all, if anything has come out of this, it is the (rather obvious) knowledge that there is no greater egoist in this world than myself, and pride inevitably must lead to some kind of fall. This may sound like a surprising assertion, coming from me, but it only goes to show that I did not come out of that match without having to face the reality of my own shortcomings. As Tezuka said to me a few months ago, we all must have our worst moment on the tennis court eventually, and it is not for us to choose what or when that moment will be. That match with Echizen Ryoma was mine. The only thing that still tears at me is the recollection that Tezuka, even in his very worst moment, always looked like the unreachable picture of perfection, up until that final, painful moment in the second longest match I have ever played…

For me, though, there was no dignity in my defeat. No, there was only humiliation, and even dismay, when I finally regained consciousness and realized what had transpired. And even now, it's enough to send a shudder right through me, when I think of the way it felt to be standing there on the court, completely defenseless, frozen like a pillar of ice that was destined only to fall and splinter into a hundred thousand pieces…

No. I will not think about it any more. I never meant to think about it, and it only goes to show why long plane flights are so irritating, that I've even started to think about it at all. Besides, I have already promised myself that I am leaving this horrible year behind for good, now that a new year has come and a fresh start in high school is all of four months away. Yes, I have promised it to myself, and I will not break this promise, because it is up to me to overcome these past mistakes and create my own future. As for irony and fate and all the rest of it, I will not concern myself with such things. They are not under my control, and as such, should not matter to me. The only thing that matters is what I chose to do with the circumstances that have been laid out before me.

… Of course, I can repeat this to myself until I am blue in the face, but it cannot change the fact that there is so much in my past that I still regret, with nothing clear in my future to make me forget about it. Because of that, I can only hope that some change still lingers on my horizon, something that will help me feel as though this really is a new year, that I truly can start over and leave everything else behind. What that change could possibly be, I still have not the slightest idea, but I eagerly await whatever it might turn out to be.

In the meantime, it occurs to me that I should try to divert myself in some way for the rest of this vacation, once I have safely arrived at home. Perhaps I can bribe some of my old teammates with the promise of a shopping trip, or maybe my family's indoor swimming pool, once they are finished spending time with their own families for the New Year celebration… In any case, I suddenly feel very tired, and as such, I am going to go lie down and hopefully sleep through the rest of this tedious flight.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 2nd**

It's very late. Technically, I'm writing this for yesterday, because it's past midnight right now. After the festival, Yukimura and I went to his house for a while. We didn't do much… Mostly, we just sat in his bedroom and talked (and kissed, a little). But Yukimura didn't seem to be in a particularly good mood. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but that seems to be happening a lot lately. I've tried to ask what's bothering him, but he usually changes the subject. And I hate to keep asking all the time; I always feel like I'm nagging. Besides, if he doesn't want to tell me, it's none of my business. Still… I can't help worrying about it. The paranoid side of me keeps wondering if there might be some sort of bad news in regards to his condition. Maybe it's just as simple as, the pain comes back every now and then… I wish he'd tell me. I still worry so much about him.

I wonder if he knows how much I worry. Part of me hopes he does, part of me doesn't. I don't really feel like I can tell him, because honestly, I don't think he wants to hear it. He's told me (more than once) that I worry about things too much, in general. But really, can anyone blame me, after everything that's happened? I never used to worry. I was always so confident that nothing bad would happen to me, and then suddenly, everything went wrong. Of course that's affected me. Of course I worry a lot more now.

I need to stop talking about all of that. I think I can feel my blood pressure rising…

Changing subjects… When I was at Yukimura's house, he randomly handed me a flat little box with a bow on it. He said it was "a late Christmas present." But he already gave me something for Christmas; he gave me a very nice black and grey sweatsuit for training. I mentioned that to him tonight, but he just smiled and said that when he saw this, he just had to get it for me… Anyway, it was a ticket to a Latin music concert this Friday.

It's a strange present, now that I think about it. I mean, sure, he knows that I like Latin music, but I haven't gone to a concert since… Well, since last summer. That was the time I ran into Atobe.

Now _there's _someone I haven't thought about in a while. I haven't _seen _him in a while, either… The last time I saw him was at Nationals. I wonder what he's been up to…

Come to think of it… Why _haven't _I been hearing from him at all? During the summer, it was all I could do to get away from him. And I thought he was determined to beat me in a tennis match. Did he give up on that or something? I guess I wouldn't blame him. _I'd _give up, if I were him. Obviously he's never going to beat me.

Or maybe it's because we played doubles together. Maybe he thinks he doesn't have to play me anymore, since we played together…? No, that doesn't really make any sense. Never mind. Just thinking on paper.

It's weird to think of that match again… It all seemed so strange. I don't normally play doubles. Certainly not _second _doubles, ever… And never with a diva like Atobe. He made such a big show of everything. When really, for half the match, _I _was the one doing all the real work, after he exhausted himself hitting that flashy serve of his…

At least we didn't make _complete _fools of ourselves, and lose. We almost did. That would have been utterly humiliating for national-level players like me and him. But it wouldn't have completely been our fault, if it had happened. We're not doubles players. Honestly, couldn't they see that? What idiot puts people like us in _second doubles_? Even worse, they made us play _together. _It was just asking for some sort of disaster…

There's one thing I'm still confused about. How am I supposed to treat him now? I know how I treated him before the match—we were rivals, and nothing else—but does the fact that we played doubles together change anything? I haven't talked to Atobe at all since that match (I saw him at Nationals, but I didn't talk to him). If I ever saw him again, I wouldn't know what to say… Would I treat him like a friend, or just an acquaintance for whom I have some amount of respect? Or would I treat him with any respect at all? Would I say something to let him know that he'll still never beat me? Or would I just walk past and pretend I didn't see him?

Whatever. It doesn't matter, at least not now… I'll probably see him next summer, when high school tennis starts up. Unless he doesn't make it onto the regulars. But I suspect he will.

I need to go to bed. It's almost one o'clock.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 2nd**

I must admit it is with some surprise, and a certain degree of annoyance, that I find myself completely unoccupied for yet another evening. Of course, I did not want this to be the case, and as such, I did attempt to contact a few of my friends with the intent of convincing them to pay me a visit for the afternoon. Those attempts, however, were met with absolutely nothing in the way of success, much to my chagrin.

My first impulse was to call Jiroh, since he's generally so enthusiastic about visiting the mansion – and besides, I figured that I could bribe him with the promise of a tennis match against me – but he didn't even answer his phone. I'm not sure why he even bothers to own a cell phone if he isn't going to answer it, but I suppose it's to be expected from someone who is usually too busy sleeping to do much of anything at all. In any case, I then attempted to call Oshitari, despite the fact that I had a vague feeling it would be an equally useless gesture…

Sure enough, he told me that he was already busy for the entire day. I'm not even sure why I bothered to inquire about his plans, but he finally admitted that he had already promised to take Gakuto to the amusement park. And that was just so incredibly cliché that I really couldn't even begin to comment on it, so I let him go without the slightest sarcastic remark. But honestly, how ridiculous is _that_? The mere idea of Oshitari Yuushi, of all people, strutting around some cheesy amusement park and holding hands with Mukahi Gakuto, like some picture-perfect couple… It's not only bizarre, it's absurd. I can only assume that Oshitari is going along with it because he's hoping to get some kind of _reward_ later – unless he has more of a romantic side than I can reasonably assume. Either way, it's certainly disturbing.

In any event, I then dialed Shishido's number, and that was perhaps the least successful call of the three. While he did actually answer the phone, and he didn't admit outright to the fact that he had other plans, he was still attempting to skate around the idea of accepting my invitation, and that was even more irritating. Of course, it only took a simple but direct inquiry on my part to discern the real reason for this: he had been intending to go out that evening with Ootori, of course, even though he was too embarrassed to call it what it so obviously was – a date.

It never fails to amuse me how completely transparent and yet somehow naïve those two can be when it comes to such things. In fact, they are the only couple that I know of that can somehow manage to be an official item and yet still be hesitant to call each other their "boyfriends." Honestly, it's a little late to be trying to hide it, when half the school has already seen them trying to steal the occasional kiss in the school hallways. They're just incredibly fortunate that I am such a thoughtful person… Had I not unilaterally persuaded all of the overly enthusiastic young ladies who follow me around to leave them alone, they would constantly find themselves being bothered by squealing cries of "Congratulations!" on their so-called "forbidden love." Ah, well, ignorance is bliss, I suppose.

At any rate, I then found myself sitting in my bedroom, phone still in hand, with absolutely no idea as to whom I should attempt to call next. At first, I started dialing Kabaji's number – but then, I have to admit, a rather pessimistic thought occurred to me. After all, how pathetic must I be if my only recourse for occupying myself is to extend an invitation to someone who essentially lacks the ability to say no? I shouldn't be ashamed to admit it, but Kabaji is my closest friend, out of all the acquaintances that I can possibly classify as such. And while I am certainly not ashamed of _him_, I have to confess that there is something fundamentally humiliating about the fact that the only person who will usually condescend to spend time with me is someone who can only reply "Yes" to my every remark.

And so I put down the phone again, resolving to save that particular solution for some other day. Still, I then proceeded to occupy myself admirably well, at least during the afternoon… I spent some time in the stables, and took Elizabeth out for a ride through the woods on our property. It was very cold outside, but there was something almost romantic about riding through that sugary dusting of pure white snow on an equally white horse. Actually, it's something that I've never really mentioned to anyone, but those times with Elizabeth have always been some of my most cherished moments in life.

Truly, she is the loveliest companion that I could ask for – perfectly tame, stunningly beautiful, and one of the very few creatures whose greatest joy in life is to catch a glimpse of me walking toward her. (I must say, I have rather oversimplified this… There are plenty of females whose greatest joy in life is to see me walking toward them. However, my horse exceeds them all in beauty, and she does not have a tendency to squeal right in my face like a chattering rodent.) In any case, it was a surprisingly pleasant afternoon, and I was almost glad that my plans to invite someone over had failed so miserably.

However, this evening has been nothing but one gigantic bore. I ended up eating dinner by myself – Father is already back at work, Mother is out doing goodness-knows-what, and my grandparents generally take their meals in their wing of the mansion. And now I am alone in my bedroom, trying to waste some time by writing about what I did today, when I essentially did nothing. I am not certain that I even want to begin to think about how dismally pathetic this is, or I might start complaining about it on these pages for hours, and that never gets me anywhere. But there is one thing that I should say, as I sit here and try to come up with some way to distract myself from my own doldrums…

It is simply this: I am amazed by the fact that I could want a genuine companion even more than I did the day before, when I already felt that it was my deepest wish and that I have never wanted anything as much as I crave that. And yet, I do want it more than I ever did. Somehow, it is a pattern that keeps repeating itself, across these dreary winter days… There seems to be no limit to how much I can desire something so utterly commonplace. And yet it still seems like an impossible wish for me.

After all, nearly everyone I know already has someone who is more important to them than anything else, and there's no way that I can compete with that kind of interest. And while I may wish for someone to become just as special to me, I cannot help wondering if that is the most impossible wish of all. I seem to be one of those people whom others are reluctant to even try to approach on an intimate level, and that must certainly be a powerful hindrance in fulfilling such a desire. I don't even presume to know what is holding them back – I used to assume that it was because they were intimidated, but I have recently begun to think that I am just trying to put an optimistic spin on something that truly bothers me. I would like to assume that I am not an unlikable person, but when faced with countless lonely nights, a scant list of phone numbers, and little prospect for change, I am starting to have to rethink my assumptions.

In any event, I am beginning to depress myself again, which I seem to be constantly doing lately… It's only nine o'clock, and I have absolutely no reason to get up early in the morning. But it's better to get a full night's sleep and have the cheerful glow of daylight greeting me, than to sit here and mope until I'm ready to rip apart these pages in frustration. And as such, I will go to bed now.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月３日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 3rd**

All this free time is driving me crazy.

This morning I ate breakfast, went out for a run, lifted some weights, practiced kendo, and helped Mother with lunch. That was all.

Maybe mornings during vacation would be easier if I knew how to sleep in. But I'm so used to getting up at five or earlier, I can never sleep much past six…

This afternoon was worse. I did practically nothing. Knowing that I'd have nothing to do, I called Yukimura's house after lunch, but his mother told me that he wasn't home. She said he'd gone to see a friend, but he didn't say who. So I called Renji. I thought that it was possible that Yukimura was at his house, and I was going to ask if all three of us could hang out for the afternoon, which we do sometimes. But Renji said that Yukimura wasn't there. By this point I was just curious, so I called Yukimura's cell phone. He didn't pick up.

It's strange. He doesn't usually go to see people without telling me. He knows that I'll call him almost anytime and ask to see him, especially on my days off. So he'll usually let me know beforehand when he's going to be doing something, so I know not to bother him. What makes this whole thing even stranger is that he didn't answer his cell. He's usually so good about that.

Anyway, that was basically the extent of my afternoon. A couple of phone calls. Oh, that, and I took a nap before dinner. Which, again, is weird for me. I'm not good at taking naps, mostly because I don't usually have time for them. Anyway, now it's after dinner, and it's too late to go out and do anything. And now I'm not going to be able to get to sleep at a decent time, because I already slept for three hours this afternoon… That means I have, what, five or six hours to kill?

I should keep writing out of sheer boredom, but I can't think of anything else to say.

Four more days until school starts again.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月３日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 3rd**

Well, I must say that my insatiable wish for some kind of company has finally caught up to me. And it has done so in such an incredibly bizarre fashion that I would not have believed it if someone had told me about it in advance. I was upstairs in my front parlor this afternoon, trying to waste some time by reading through _The Odyssey_ again (in the original Greek, of course, which is infinitely better), when our doorman told me over the intercom that I had a visitor. I must say that I was only a little surprised; I immediately assumed that one of my former teammates had felt badly about giving me the slip yesterday and had come to make up for it by spending a few hours with me. Still, I must confess that I was pleased about it, and I promptly hurried down to the front hall to greet my guest.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when who of all people should be standing there but Yukimura, the former captain of Rikkai's tennis club! Of course, I am on a somewhat friendly basis with the man – most of the prominent captains in the Kanto area can be considered cordial acquaintances of mine – but I haven't seen him in nearly five months and wouldn't have expected to see him again until this summer. And I can't say that I recall him ever paying a visit to my house, either. Well, be that as it may, I was still as friendly as I could possibly be to him, and I promptly invited him in for some tea.

Of course, it didn't take long for my initial amazement to subside, and when it did, I found myself wondering why he had even come in the first place. Normally, I wouldn't worry about such a thing – people's intentions have a way of revealing themselves involuntarily – but Yukimura has always been one of the few people that I have found completely impossible to read. In fact, it is even harder to figure him out than it is to understand Tezuka Kunimitsu, and that alone is an accomplishment worthy of the history books. So I have to confess that I have always been naturally suspicious of that impossibly perfect demeanor of his, and that way he has of pacifying everyone around him with that sweet little half-smile, like some benevolent and disinterested saint. (I suppose that must sound incredibly cynical of me, and I will freely admit that I have never discovered anything untoward about him up until this point. Still, it bothers me somehow. After all, I of all people should know that no one can be truly perfect.)

In any case, I was completely unable to decipher his purpose for coming nearly thirty minutes into our conversation. I don't even remember half of what we discussed in that half-hour; it was mostly small talk about what we have been doing since tennis season ended. And then, of course, _the_ subject had to eventually present itself, the one thing in all the world that I really did not want to discuss, and it wasn't long before I was secretly wishing that I had not invited him in for tea, even regardless of my utter desperation for company.

That subject, of course, was the _boyfriend_. Yes, the captain of Rikkai is a charter member of the seemingly endless group of people that I know who are so ridiculously fortunate as to have a significant other in their lives, at the ripe old age of fourteen and a half. And what's more, Yukimura doesn't just have any random, nameless individual for his boyfriend…

No, Yukimura's boyfriend is Sanada Genichiroh.

I don't even remember half of what he mentioned about their oh-so-perfect relationship, or the "absolutely wonderful" five months that they've spent together, but I will admit that some part of me was horribly jealous. And no, I am not saying that I would want someone as completely devoid of a personality as Sanada for my constant companion, because I most certainly would _not_. But even I have to admit that it would be hard to find a more enjoyable person to drag along on a date, if only to walk all over town with him and enjoy all the envious stares that you were getting by having the exclusive privilege of holding onto his arm. I'm sure the two of them must get plenty of stares and whispers when they go out together, because I honestly can't imagine a more picture-perfect couple.

In any case, the whole conversation was incredibly annoying to me, since all I really wanted to do was forget about the whole subject of boyfriends and companions and significant others. So I must confess that I started to get a bit short with him, and I soon found myself asking him why he had even come in the first place. Naturally, he wasn't offended at all (I don't think it's possible to offend him), and he immediately took something out of his pocket and handed it to me. I suppose I must have looked confused, because he started to explain that "I forgot to get you something for Christmas," which didn't really make any sense at all, given the fact that we're only acquaintances. But the next thing I knew, I was tearing open the envelope…

Only to find a single ticket to a Latin music concert on the inside.

Well, I felt my eyebrows lift up in surprise at _that_. I mean, it was strange enough that Yukimura of all people had come to my house to see me, when I hardly ever see him even during tennis season, and that we had been sitting together and talking of the one thing that has been secretly bothering me for days was equally peculiar. But to have that sudden reminder of that odd coincidence almost half a year ago, when I ran into Sanada at that concert, was really just too bizarre. I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. I suppose I managed some kind of a thank-you, even though I briefly wondered if maybe this was some kind of practical joke that I couldn't comprehend. But he just smiled and said, "You're welcome," and we talked for a few more minutes about nothing whatsoever, until he finally excused himself and headed out the door.

And now I find myself trying to decide what in the hell _that_ was all about.

I have to admit, I'm probably being overly suspicious of this innocuous little ticket, even as it lies harmlessly on my desk like the thoughtful present that it allegedly was. After all, there's absolutely no reason why Yukimura couldn't have heard about my preference for Latin music from his boyfriend, and finding himself in possession of a ticket for such an event, would think of me as someone who would likely appreciate it as a gift. And like I said before, it's not as though he's an absolute stranger; in the year before his illness, we even had frequent conversations during tournaments (mostly due to my curiosity about how talented he was rumored to be). But somehow, there is still something about such an unusual series of events that bothers me.

Then again, I suppose I can't draw any conclusions about this until I attend the concert, which is on Friday night. And I can't even begin to imagine what kind of conclusion I should be drawing, when it really does seem to be nothing more than a simple gift from a friend. In any case, I did have my fervent wish for company fulfilled this afternoon – an occurrence that has certainly reminded me to be a little more careful of what I wish for in the future, if only to prevent myself from feeling as decidedly confused as I do now.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾


	2. The Concert

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Prince of Tennis or any of its characters.

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１月４日木曜日

**Thursday, January 4th**

I called Yukimura today. I still don't know where he was yesterday.

We talked for a while about other things. I called him as it was getting later in the afternoon, and he was planning on going out to dinner with his family, so I didn't ask if we could get together. But he said he had plenty of time to talk, so we did.

I don't remember half of what we talked about. It probably wasn't worth remembering, anyway. Our conversations lately have been somewhat predictable. It's not that we've run out of things to talk about… I used to worry that we would; we spend so much time together that it almost seems more logical that it would happen. But, sure enough, every time we talk, we somehow always find just enough topics to fill up the time that we're together. It's just that what we talk about now can't exactly be called groundbreaking. By this point, we basically know everything there is to know about each other.

I actually don't mind that at all. I like being this familiar with him. About a month ago, someone asked me (I think it was Marui) if I ever get bored of talking to Yukimura. Of course I said no. I suppose I could see how some people might find such familiarity a little dull after four or five months, but I never would. For one thing, I'm not that fond of change anyway. I'm the kind of person who has a certain routine and a certain way of doing things, and I like it, so I stick to it. Also, I like knowing Yukimura so well that I can talk to him about anything, even about nothing at all. I enjoy just being with him. I find his presence very comforting.

Perhaps I can't apply those sentiments to the conversation we had today. While normally I am very satisfied talking with him about nothing, today I very much wanted to talk about _something,_ that "something" being where he was yesterday. I was hoping that he would bring it up on his own so I wouldn't have to pry. He must have known that I called; his phone would have told him that by now, and he'd obviously checked it because he was talking to me _on _it. But he didn't mention anything about what he did yesterday, even when I asked him how his day went.

When I finally got frustrated enough to mention the fact that I tried to call him, he avoided the subject. I eventually asked him directly where he had been, and he seemed a little stand-offish. It wasn't very obvious… He made it a little joke, something like, "Oh, Sanada, you're so funny. You always have to know exactly where I am or you get nervous." He said it with a laugh, but I could tell he was annoyed. And he still didn't answer the question, which, frankly, annoyed me. But I didn't push. I would never want to fight with him. We've never fought before; I definitely don't want to start now over something this small.

When I hung up, though, I did start to feel a little guilty. I guess I can be nosy sometimes. But he's my boyfriend; I'm allowed to be that way with him, right? I just want to spend time with him. I love him. And I was lonely yesterday. I understand if he's busy… But can't he at least tell me what he was doing?

I'm sure I'm making this a much bigger deal than it is. It's probably nothing; probably not even worth writing about. Then again, what else do I have to write about today? I did nothing. I keep feeling like I should be doing something more productive with my time.

I'm going to go meditate for the rest of the evening. If I focus, sometimes that will pass the time quickly.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月４日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 4th**

Today, unlike yesterday, I had perfectly normal (and expected) company: Kabaji came over for a visit. Actually, his birthday was yesterday, and so I had already decided to invite him to come by today, so that I could give him his birthday present. He said yes, of course… We didn't do very much while he was here, at least nothing of interest, and so I find it rather difficult to think of something worth writing about. Still, it was a pleasant way to spend the day. I'm glad that I remembered to invite him, even if people would probably say that the only reason that he came over is because he can't say no to me.

It's funny, but I don't even think of Kabaji like that, at least not anymore… It's not like he's really my personal servant. However, I do realize that the way that I often treat him must look extremely strange to other people. And I do remember the first time that I commanded an incredibly large first-year to "Carry ore-sama's tennis bag, underclassman."

But the strange thing was, after that very first time, I never told him to carry that bag again. He just did it. Every time I would turn around during a tennis tournament, he would be there carrying my bag for me. And I never once told him to follow me around like he does. He just _does_ it. And so I found myself getting accustomed to his constant presence; it was just like having a second shadow.

Lately, though, it's been somewhat different between us… During the summer, I used to worry a little about graduating and moving on to high school, since it meant that I would be leaving him on his own for a whole year. It was almost like having a pet or something; you worry who will take care of it while you're away. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how bizarre it was to think of him like that. I guess I just wanted to reassure myself that he would be fine without me.

Somehow or another, that led to having actual conversations with someone who is generally assumed to be incapable of multi-syllabic speech. He still doesn't talk very much, but now that I take the time to ask him questions, he really does respond with more than just the usual "Usu." It's almost as though he was following me on purpose all along, in the hope that maybe someday I would want to get to know him. And now that he does talk a little bit, I find myself constantly surprised at how observant he is. It's especially unnerving, even though it makes perfect sense, how well he knows _me_. I suppose that can happen if you follow someone around for almost two years straight.

For instance, I was telling him a little bit about my vacation to New York, and how I spent New Year's Eve, which wasn't much different from the way I spent it last year. But after I had finished, there was a pause, and then he actually asked me a question, which is particularly rare for him. All he said was, "Weren't you lonely?" I mean, that's such a _simple_ question, and yet it goes right to the heart of everything I've been feeling these past few weeks. It's something no one else would ever even guess, I think, and so part of me has to wonder how he could possibly know that. Somehow, he just always knows.

Of course, I laughed it off a little at first, but I could see in his eyes that I wasn't fooling him (I never can, somehow). And so I admitted that I had been a little lonely. He didn't really say much after that, but the strange thing is that he didn't have to. I felt better just admitting it; it made me realize that it isn't unreasonable to feel that way.

Oh, and I did give him his birthday present: it was a brand new tennis racquet, the same model that he typically likes to use, but with a custom string job and a few adjustments that I thought he might like. He was pretty surprised (I think he didn't realize that I knew he only has two racquets, and he really does need a few more with his strong playing style). But I just laughed and said that he would have to use it to "keep Hiyoshi and Ootori in line." That made him smile; after all, it's really those two that are supposed to keep everyone else in line.

(I believe I already mentioned this, but yes, our coach finally went senile and decided that the club actually does need a vice captain position. Which left my disgruntled little successor a bit put out, since there were a few hints flying around that the decision had been reached because Hiyoshi didn't have my brilliant leadership qualities. Personally, I think it's a good idea to have Ootori as a vice captain, if only to keep the club from becoming a Spartan exercise in brutality during Hiyoshi's reign of terror… Of course, I'm only joking now, but half a year ago I probably would not have been.)

Anyway, I really am glad that I took the time to invite Kabaji over. It even made me forget about that strange visit from Yukimura yesterday… At least, until I noticed the ticket sitting on my desk this evening, when I sat down to write in my journal.

I have to say, I'm still completely bewildered about this whole Latin concert invitation. Yukimura didn't say much about it at all before he left; I don't even know why he had the ticket in the first place, or why he decided to give it to me, when we hardly know each other. The only thing I know is the obvious answer: Sanada must have told Yukimura that I like Latin music. But even that is rather bizarre, the more I think about it…

After all, I wouldn't expect Sanada Genichiroh to be the type of person to just chat away about people that he happened to see at a concert six months ago. At the time, I wasn't even sure that he had seen me; we never spoke to one another at all. In fact, until I mentioned it during our doubles match against the American team, I just assumed that he didn't know that I had been there. Honestly, that man is so ridiculously _cold_… I even recall feeling rather annoyed that he had ignored me like that. After all, how is it possible to ignore someone like me?

And people wonder why Sanada gets on my last nerve.

Honestly, I don't even care if he's determined to despise me, as long as he _reacts_ when I take the time to grace him with my existence. I suppose that it doesn't really matter… After all, we hardly ever see each other except during tennis tournaments. But sometimes he's just so incredibly dull, with those obstinate brown eyes of his that seem like they can only stare straight ahead, that I just want to grab him by the collar and shake him around until his head spins. It's kind of like how I used to feel about Tezuka, except that I know that I would never grab Tezuka and shake him, even if they both have that same irritating tendency to drive me absolutely _insane_ sometimes…

But I digress.

In any event, it doesn't really matter. It's not like I can do anything except play along with whatever Yukimura intended to do by giving me this ticket. I suppose I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow night, if anything even happens at all. (At this moment, I rather suspect that it will be nothing at all… But my thoughts on the subject have been changing by the hour. By tomorrow, I'll probably believe that it's some vast conspiracy again.)

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月５日金曜日**

**Friday, January 5th**

I went to the concert tonight. And what do you know? As fate would have it, Atobe was there.

Fate is laughing at me.

Alright, it actually wasn't such a bad thing. I ran into him—or rather, he ran into me—in the lobby of the concert hall. And I was surprised; he was actually acting pretty friendly, during the short amount of time that we talked. He still had that know-it-all smirk on his face (he always smiles like that), but other than that, he was downright amiable. In fact, _I _was maybe the one who came off as a little rude… When I saw him, I said, "What are you doing here?" Not the nicest thing to say to someone you haven't seen in a while. But I apologized… I think…

As I said, the conversation was short. He asked me where I was sitting, and… Come to think of it, I guess that was all. I couldn't really think of anything to say to him. Normally, I probably would have brought up something tennis-related, but since the season is over, it's kind of irrelevant. But I wouldn't know what else to talk to him about. I've suddenly realized that I don't really know anything about him, beyond tennis… I don't know what he's interested in, what he does with his spare time… any of that.

Now that I think about it, it amazes me that I know so little about him. Our interactions have been few in number, but they've never exactly been short. Once he corners me, he tends to talk my ear off. And you'd think that in all that time spent talking, he'd talk more about himself. Sure, he refers to himself (using sweeping terms that emphasize his own self-proclaimed magnificence), but he doesn't talk _about _himself much. I don't know… It's hard to explain. It just seems weird.

I'm a little annoyed at him, to be honest. I could have sworn he said, "See you after the concert." But then he left right away. He was only two rows behind me, but I lost sight of him almost as soon as the concert ended. I searched inside the concert hall for almost half an hour. I must have walked the entire length of the lobby twelve times. Almost everyone was gone by the time I gave up. I can't believe I wasted all that time looking for him… What a stupid waste of time.

I just don't get why he left so quickly. Did he forget or something? How hard is it to remember that you promised to meet up with someone after a concert? Was listening to the music so incredibly distracting that it completely _left _his mind that I was even there? I was sitting right in front of him! Well, not directly in front of him; I was a little to the side, but still… Maybe he just thought it would be _amusing _if he left me to look for him. I wouldn't put that past him. He seems to have this habit of antagonizing people for no reason whatsoever, and then just finding whatever excuse he can to mess with them. He needs to get a real hobby.

The concert itself was pretty good. It was much fancier than the last one I went to, not to mention the fact that I had a great seat in the third row. And it was nice, because it wasn't just musicians playing; there were dancers and singers for some of the numbers. It's always more interesting when you have something more to watch than people blowing into instruments. As much as I like the music, sometimes that nearly puts me to sleep by the end.

The dancers were amazing. I'm always impressed by people who can do that… It just looks beautiful. It also looks very difficult. I know I could never move like that… Some small part of me has sometimes wanted to try—a fact that I would _never _tell anyone…

I especially like watching people tango. I used to be kind of partial to samba, but I think I've changed my mind. The more I see the tango, the more I like it. It just seems more sophisticated, and more _passionate_, I guess. Samba is very lively, but the tango seems to express a lot more emotion.

I think most of the people I know would laugh at me for saying that… They'd say something sarcastic like, "Yes, Sanada, you know all about _emotion_." I guess it's true that I don't usually display my feelings, but I _have _them. And I can appreciate them when I see them. Sometimes I feel like people don't give me enough credit for that…

It was strange; as I was sitting there watching, another tango started playing. I didn't recognize it at first, but as I was watching the dancers, I somehow felt like I'd danced to it before. I had to stop myself, because that was ridiculous; I've never danced in my life. But then I recognized the tune. It was the same song Atobe and I had in our heads during the last part of our doubles match. I'd never seen anyone dance to it before… It was maybe the most passionate tango I've ever seen. That kind of makes sense, though… If the song didn't have that much emotion, it would have never stuck in our heads. Still, it felt a little strange to watch…

This is very obvious proof that I'm bored. I'm elaborating my feelings on dance. It's late, but I fell asleep again after lunch, and I'm really not tired right now. I should probably go to bed anyway… Even though I'll be tossing and turning for a few more hours.

Whatever. I'll tough it out.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月５日金曜日**

**Friday, January 5th**

Well, this has been an extremely strange evening.

I can't even decide whether I'm amused or annoyed; all I know for sure is that I feel rather tired, despite the fact that it's only eleven thirty at night. And I'm not sure how to even begin to explain what was so strange about the concert, since there was really only one thing that was odd about it…

Sanada was there, of all people.

Of course, the first thing that occurred to me when I recognized the back of his head in the crowd was that this was some sort of twisted set-up. But I didn't give myself any time to ponder exactly what kind of set-up it could be… No, I went right up to him. I was determined to make him say at least more than two words to me, because I really wasn't in the mood to be ignored like I was at the last concert. So I figured that I would just have to catch him by surprise: I would be as nice to him as possible, even if he decided to be his usual unpleasant self. After all, I couldn't be insulted if I didn't give him the chance to insult me. And if this was some kind of practical joke that Sanada was helping to orchestrate, he certainly wouldn't be able to sneak up on me, either.

So that's exactly what I did. I walked right up to him and said, in my best "pleasantly surprised" tone, "Well, fancy seeing you here."

Of course, he recognized my voice, and he turned around and immediately demanded to know what I was doing there. It was so like his usual, boring self that I wanted to laugh… Or at least, I would have, if the sudden effect of seeing him after five months hadn't caught me a little off guard. I'm not sure what it was that made me pause; he didn't look much different, although I think he's gotten even taller since I last saw him. But there was something about him that still seemed different to me… Maybe it just felt strange to see him in something other than the blinding yellow uniform and that same ugly hat that he always wears during tennis season. (He was wearing a black overcoat over a dark green sweater, I think. It had been snowing during the afternoon, and it was pretty cold… I was wearing three layers myself and still didn't exactly enjoy the walk from my limo.)

In any case, I kept my composure without any trouble, and immediately accused him of being cold, which was generous considering the rude tone of his voice… I also proceeded to point out the obvious answer as to why I was there, since even someone as clueless as Sanada should have realized that there could be only one reason for a person to stand around waiting in the lobby of a _concert hall_.

But he proceeded to apologize, if in a somewhat awkward fashion, and mentioned that he hadn't expected to see me there. So I figured that I would go easy on him… Despite the fact that it struck me as rather strange that he hadn't known that I would be at the concert. Apparently, Yukimura planned the whole thing without even telling his boyfriend about it. And speaking of Yukimura, he wasn't there with Sanada, either. So the whole thing was shaping up to be even stranger than I had expected; it was like Yukimura was trying to play a sick joke on the _both_ of us.

Well, I tried to be as pleasant to him as I possibly could; I mentioned that it had been a long time since we had last run into each other. But he hardly responded to that. I assumed that he didn't want to talk much about it, since that would have meant discussing the National Tournament, and we both have our reasons for not wanting to mention that particular event.

So I changed subjects and asked where he was sitting. I have to say, I was horribly curious as to what Yukimura had done about that. I almost worried that he had done something crazy and was going to make us sit next to each other, just to torture me. (Yes, trying to make conversation with Sanada Genichiroh and then sit next to him in silence for three hours is something at least vaguely resembling torture. He may be fairly good-looking, but the man still has the personality and eloquence of a brick wall.) Besides, how was Sanada going to deal with such a "strange coincidence"? I wasn't sure that I wanted to see his reaction when he found out. At the very least, I would have had to explain where I got the ticket…

Much to my surprise, though, we weren't sitting together at all. I was in the middle of the fifth row, but his ticket was for the third row on the left side. I admit that I relaxed a little bit… It seemed like maybe Yukimura wasn't scheming anything after all. Perhaps he had gotten a ticket for Sanada for a Christmas present and just happened to decide to get an extra one for me. (Though that still doesn't make much sense, at least not the part about buying _me_ a ticket.)

Anyway, the seats were still pretty close together, so I mentioned that to him, in my ongoing attempt to be agreeable. But he just blinked at me, and then a horribly awkward pause ensued. I swear, I have never met someone so completely inept at being sociable as he is. I tried to think of something to say, but even I have to admit, I was at a loss for acceptable topics… What could I possibly have to talk about with someone like him, now that tennis season is over? So I finally asked if I would see him after the concert.

That was excessively friendly of me, I suppose… I didn't have any special reason to meet up with him afterwards, but it just seemed like the right thing to say at the time. And I could have sworn that he said something along the lines of "Sure," so I told him that it had been nice seeing him and left to find my seat, mostly to avoid any more of those awful pauses that he seems to enjoy so much.

The concert itself was fine, at least as far as I know. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't paying much attention to the music. It's rather difficult to concentrate on art when you're too busy pondering why you're even there in the first place, especially when you can't come up with a single plausible answer. For the life of me, I can't make any sense of the situation at all. Yukimura Seiichi bought me a ticket to the Latin music concert that his boyfriend was attending because… Because _why_?

Because he knows that Sanada and I don't get along very well, and he hates me personally and wants to torture me? That seems rather extreme, given that I hardly know him. Or maybe it's because he's hoping that Sanada will miss him, by giving him such undesirable company? (Though the idea of me being undesirable company is absurd, at least from my point of view, but I'm sure Sanada would disagree with that.) Maybe they're fighting somehow, or maybe Yukimura's just trying to get rid of him for an evening? Though that still doesn't explain how _I_ got involved, and you certainly wouldn't guess from the oh-so-perfect way that Yukimura described their relationship that there could be any such problems between them.

Well, the long and the short of it is that I don't have any idea why I was there. But I certainly had a strange feeling for the entire evening, that kind of anxious, edgy sensation that you get when you're waiting for something important to happen and you aren't really sure if you want it to.

The feeling only got worse when the musicians started to play a tango piece. I just couldn't stop thinking about the time that I had to play doubles with Sanada, when we tried to synchronize with each other by thinking of the same song. I'm not even sure why I started to feel so nervous while I was thinking about it… It almost felt like something was going to happen during that particular piece, or at least if anything was ever going to happen, it would have to happen then. And suddenly I realized that it was the exact same song that we had used in our doubles match.

There were two dancers on the stage, doing a very well-choreographed tango in time with the music, and I was completely absorbed in it… The strangest thoughts kept coming into my head, like, "This is what it's really _supposed_ to be like," or "No, we've forgotten that part after all," or "It hurts to be so close together." Looking back on it, I'm not even sure what I meant, but it didn't really matter at the time. I was just letting my thoughts run unchecked, while my eyes tried to keep up with the quick movements of the dancers' legs. And I suddenly noticed that my heart was beating faster and faster, as the music raced toward the conclusion… But then the song stopped, and nothing had happened after all. And really, what was supposed to happen, anyway? I get the most ridiculous notions sometimes. What can I possibly expect, other than the same boring silence that must follow every song?

I looked at Sanada then… He was just looking straight ahead at the stage. I don't even know why I bothered to look at him, but it was the last time that I thought to do so before concert ended, and it was also the last time that I saw him tonight.

And no, he didn't bother to meet up with me afterwards, which just goes to show how ridiculous it was to expect something to happen. After failing to locate him in the crowd of people leaving the building, I waited outside by my limousine for almost fifteen minutes before I finally gave up. Still, part of me knew all along that he wouldn't actually come, just like how nothing happened during the tango piece… Again, what did I expect to happen? Something other than that irritating silence that follows him around like a fog? It was exactly the same after our doubles match; he hardly said a word to me then, either, and just went quickly on his boring way.

It was freezing cold outside; I was still shivering when I got inside my limo. Come to think of it, I don't know why that idiot couldn't even be bothered to stay long enough to tell me that he had to leave, or whatever his reason might have been for disappearing so quickly… That seems even ruder than usual for him, when it's the least that he could have done in such cold weather. But then again, there I go, assuming that Sanada Genichiroh has any consideration for others, when I've certainly never seen any proof of such a thing.

Honestly, I still don't know why I feel so disappointed when I think about what happened tonight. I should feel _relieved_. Even if Yukimura was planning something by causing this little "coincidence" of his, it was either completely harmless or completely ineffective. So why should I care? It shouldn't make any difference to me. Especially not the fact that Sanada didn't stay afterwards, since I only said it in the first place to be polite. I really don't have the slightest interest in conversing with someone like _him_…

But then why am I asking myself, for the hundred thousandth time, if he really said that he would wait for me?

What did I expect?

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月６日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 6th**

Today, I went out to lunch and a movie with Yukimura. He was in a good mood today, which was nice. He asked me a lot of questions about the concert. He seemed unusually interested… Then again, the ticket was a gift; I guess it's natural for him to want to know if I enjoyed it.

I mentioned that I saw Atobe there. I probably shouldn't have done that. Yukimura asked a few polite questions, just like he'd done after everything else I'd said… "Did you talk to him?" "What did you talk about?" "Where was he sitting?" That sort of thing. But I was still a little annoyed at Atobe for leaving so quickly, and… I don't know. I guess I went on a rant. I don't understand what it is about Atobe that can set me off like that. Yukimura seemed to find it amusing somehow. It was somewhat embarrassing, the way I could tell he wanted to laugh at me… I should have just shut up. I must have sounded like an idiot.

I don't even know what I was babbling about. By the end, it didn't even have to do with the concert anymore. It's amazing how long I can talk about nothing but how arrogant Atobe is. How he treats everyone, how he thinks he knows _everything_, how he's _so sure_ that he can beat anyone at tennis if he tries hard enough… Hey, Atobe, did it ever occur to you that maybe some people are just _better _than you? You don't have to be the best at _everything_, just because you _happen_ to be the best at your snooty little private school…

Am I seriously starting again? I need to stop that.

Maybe the reason I go on rants like that is because I'm constantly having to hold my tongue when I'm talking to him. The best way to deal with people like Atobe Keigo is to just ignore them. He's just hungry for attention. (Which is _ridiculous_ for someone like him, by the way; how much attention does one person need?) If he can't get people to agree with him, he just tries to get a reaction. The problem is that he's so incredibly persistent. No matter how long I choose not to respond, he just keeps talking… He certainly likes the sound of his own voice. I'm sure that's very convenient when your goal is simply to talk and talk until someone tells you to shut up. (I love how that _amuses _him.)

This all seems odd to say, since, the last time I saw him, he wasn't acting like that at all… But then again, he did _leave _extremely quickly for no reason that I can think of, without even bothering to keep his promise, which just proves that he thinks I'm _beneath _him and not worth his time.

I just wish I knew _why _he left.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月６日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 6th**

Well, today certainly seemed to drag along at a snail's pace, especially after all the confusion of the past few days. I suppose I should be grateful; it's not like I enjoyed having absolutely no idea what was going on with that whole concert situation. But I still have to admit that it's been an incredibly boring twenty-four hours.

Boring. I've decided that I officially _hate_ that word. It's just not my style to have to put up with silence and repetition and complacency. I'd rather be planning some ridiculously extravagant event that people will be talking about for weeks, or doing something completely outrageous that no one expects. It's like how I try to play tennis; I always aim to make it something that people who watch it will never forget (which only works when I have a particularly outstanding opponent, unfortunately).

Speaking of which, Tezuka called me today to confirm that we're meeting up tomorrow. (Dear god, the man is starting to make phone calls all by himself about things that don't concern tennis. I'm so proud.) It's nothing more than our usual get-together every few weeks or so, but it's coming at a very good time, for me at least. There are some things that I've been wanting to ask him… I'm always surprised at how observant he is, once I can actually persuade him to talk to me.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone has any idea that Atobe Keigo and Tezuka Kunimitsu have become such good friends since Nationals. Given the whole trying-to-destroy-his-arm incident, I would have to guess that no one does, but it's true all the same. It's almost funny, how Tezuka has never once held a grudge for that rather misguided action of mine. But what can I say? At least it wasn't boring. And the fact that we are friends now just goes to show that the match became something much more than I had intended for it to be.

Of course, I had once thought that it was something even more than that… I've already written about how strongly I used to feel for him. During the summer, I was convinced that I was falling for him, and looking back on it, I was pretty much obsessed. After our match, I kept calling him during his rehabilitation and pestering him about how I was going to "completely destroy" him once he was well again. But by the time he returned to Japan, I knew better… I may have acted in public like I still just wanted to beat him, but what I really told him when we finally got the chance to be alone was entirely different. But I should have known better; of course he didn't feel the same about me. It's always been that way; it's as much as I can get him to do to realize that I exist.

He let me down as gently as he could, I suppose. But it drove me absolutely _crazy_ during Nationals, having to watch him get better and better and yet be ultimately denied the chance of a rematch, just because he was intent on avoiding me. No, I had to face his all-star rookie instead, and if that wasn't a perfect example of getting the cold shoulder from a man that I admire so deeply, I don't know what is.

But after he finally attained that all-important championship, I confronted him about the whole situation. And I'm not sure that I can even explain how it happened, but we started to become friends after that. Now we meet up every few weeks or so at a coffee shop, and we just sit for a while and talk, mostly about the people we know and what's been happening since we last saw each other. He really is a perfect person for long conversations, as long as you can get him to participate. And while it may seem like he's not actually listening at times, he always manages to prove me wrong by the things that he says in response.

Anyway, I think I'll ask him tomorrow about the whole bizarre incident with Yukimura. It's been on my mind all day long, and I still haven't been able to decide what that so-called saint was scheming. I know for a fact that Tezuka knows Yukimura better than I do, so maybe he'll have some idea of what's going on.

In the meantime, I've had that same stupid tango piece stuck in my head _all day long_. It's starting to drive me insane.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月７日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 7th**

School starts again tomorrow, so most of today was spent preparing for that. I had a few homework assignments to finish up. Also, my brother left to go back to college today. We all helped him pack, and we went to the train station with him to say goodbye.

Holidays like New Year's make you realize how much you miss someone. A week didn't seem long enough to catch up with my brother. But then again, I never know what to talk about with him. Sure, he used to live here, but I didn't really talk to him much then either. He's five and a half years older than me. When you're little, it's hard to talk to someone who's that much older than you, even if he is your brother. And I've never been very good at conversation anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if he and I have anything in common at all. We both study kendo, of course, but for him, that's all there is. He's told me before that he doesn't understand why I play tennis. That's a funny thing to say to the person who was listed as the top tennis player in junior high last year. I told him that, too. We were sparring at the time and he responded by beating me within the next ten seconds. (I think he enjoys putting me in place.) It's strange, though; sometimes I think we understand each other best when we practice together like that.

I went out for a run this morning. It was so cold that my breath felt a little painful in my throat. But part of me likes it when it's this cold. Especially when there's snow on the ground; it's so beautiful. And even though running gets more difficult as the air gets colder, the chill is refreshing when you start sweating, and it's almost rewarding somehow to see your own breath when your breathing gets harder.

I didn't train enough during break. But I'm sure I'll get back into it tomorrow, when I get back into my regular schedule. It's become such a part of my routine: I get up, go to school, do some training, go home, eat dinner, study, then go to bed.

Studying… I should probably start concentrating more on that. Entrance exams are in March. I'm sure I'll do fine, but I will need to study hard to make sure I stay at Rikkai for high school.

I should go to bed. Finally, I have to get up tomorrow.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月７日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 7th**

Today's conversation with Tezuka was actually rather interesting, even apart from my side of the discussion (which isn't always the case). Of course, I arrived at the coffee shop right on time, and he was already there sitting at our usual table. He's always like that; he's never late to anything and is almost always at least ten minutes early. And I have to admit, in that brief instant when I first saw him, my heart skipped a beat like it always does.

Most of the time, I feel completely at ease when I'm with him, as though we've never been anything but good friends who happen to have a lot in common. It's almost like I've completely forgotten about the way I used to feel about him, as if it never even happened. But whenever I haven't seen him for a little while, there's always a split second where all the old excitement comes back in a rush, and my heart skips a beat. And then it's gone, just like that. It really is incredible, just how fickle a person's feelings can be. You would think it would take more than that to bring back something that has already been completely shattered, no matter how powerful the longing used to be.

Anyway, I made a point of greeting him with my usual tongue-in-cheek salutation: "Why, hello, Tezuka. You're looking absolutely lovely today."

(I really can't resist doing that… It's absurd, of course, and always results in him giving me such a strange look that I just have to laugh. He's even gotten into the habit of raising an eyebrow and replying, "You too, Atobe." I have to provoke him into using that ironic sense of humor of his at least occasionally; he would be quite charming if he would just do it more often.)

We talked for a little while about school, and the fact that the high school entrance exams are coming up. And we briefly discussed how our tennis teams seem to be doing without us, which is usually one of our main topics of conversation. I have to say, it sounds like Seigaku is in pretty good shape for the coming season. That Momoshiro individual was elected as captain, and he'll certainly be more approachable than Tezuka was, if nothing else. And of course, any team would do well to have that monster Echizen Ryoma on it; Tezuka tells me that he's already shot up three inches in the past few months and is starting to get so good that it even scares _him_. I'm not sure that I even want to think about the implications of that statement.

And then he told me something rather unexpected: Fuji Shusuke has apparently started going out with Kawamura Takashi (yes, that same powerhouse that actually injured Kabaji, a fact that never fails to disturb me). Well, I must say I was taken aback by this, and my first thought was the same thing that I finally asked him: "Is he doing it to make you jealous?"

While I can almost never get Tezuka to talk about his love life (or rather, lack of a love life, since he says that he's not interested in having one), I do know that Fuji Shusuke confessed to having feelings for him at the end of the summer. Again, Tezuka let him down gently after his confession, which surprised me a little when he told me about it later. I had just assumed that Tezuka must have had feelings for someone else, if he was so careful about rejecting _me_, and he's seen with Fuji so often that it seemed like perhaps there was something going on between them.

But Tezuka always insists that he doesn't have feelings for anyone. I'm not so sure about that… Lately, a few things that he's told me have made me think that perhaps even the invincible Tezuka Kunimitsu has come to realize how lonely it can be to always rely on no one but yourself. At the very least, I think he's starting to reconsider the idea of having someone special in his life. And while I know that will never be me, I'm almost anxious to see what kind of person he would choose… It seems like no one could possibly be remarkable enough to be any kind of a match for him.

In any case, Tezuka went on to say that he didn't think Fuji's behavior was out of jealousy, but that he actually seems to have moved on and found someone else. He seemed genuinely glad about it, too. I know how much he cares about his former teammates, even though he always seems so cold on the outside. So I think that he must have been relieved that Fuji had finally gotten over him.

We talked about other people's relationships for a while… It seems like almost everyone we know has a significant other, except for us. For example, the Golden Pair is considered an item now, and Shishido and Ootori are one as well, though it almost seems like both of those go without saying. (I'm starting to think the reason that Tezuka and I are so relationally deprived is because neither of us can play doubles worth a cent.) And then Tezuka just happened to mention the strangest thing…

The day before Christmas, he happened to see Yukimura and Sanada walking around the Shibuya shopping district together.

Well, that piece of news in and of itself wasn't strange; we've both known about their relationship for months. (Tezuka even mentioned that they were holding hands… I just had to roll my eyes at that. Really, how disgustingly _perfect_ of them.) But I did tell him that it was the strangest coincidence that he should mention Yukimura and Sanada, of all people. And then I explained to him everything that had happened in the past few days, with the ticket and the Latin music concert and all the rest of it.

Oddly enough, he seemed genuinely surprised; he isn't normally engaged enough in our conversations to look that startled. (Though Tezuka's "surprised" expression is about the equivalent of my "mildly perplexed" one.) Unfortunately, he didn't seem to have any more of an idea than I did as to what it meant. I asked him if he thought that Yukimura might be plotting something, but all he said was, "That's impossible to know for sure."

Needless to say, that really cleared the situation up. (Excuse my sarcasm.) Sometimes I just wish that I could get my head around the strangely ambiguous terms that those two are on… I know that Tezuka has had more contact with Yukimura than I have, mostly because of all the tennis tournaments they were in when they were younger. But at the same time, I can't understand what their relationship with each other really is. They seem to be more than just acquaintances, but it's certainly not a deep friendship, and there's some kind of a rivalry there as well. I never did see the last round at Nationals, but I imagine that it must have been a sight well worth seeing, to watch those two outstanding captains lead their teams through those final matches.

Anyway, I asked Tezuka what exactly he meant by that. But he just shook his head and replied, "If it has anything to do with Yukimura, you're only going to know exactly what he wants you to know, when he wants you to know it."

I couldn't help pointing out that he was being of absolutely no help whatsoever, and proceeded to mention a few of my theories on the subject. (Maybe he was fighting with Sanada, maybe he wants me to suffer for no apparent reason…) But Tezuka interrupted me and said that he didn't think it was anything like that. And then he was extremely quiet for the rest of our conversation. It was rather strange, now that I think about it. I didn't expect that it would spark his interest that much.

Well, maybe he'll be able to come up with some sort of answer for me, because I truly don't have the slightest idea what Yukimura could be up to, if it wasn't "anything like that." In any case, it's past midnight already, and I really should be getting to bed now. Fortunately, school doesn't start until Tuesday at Hyotei (probably to give all of us ridiculously rich kids time to make it home on our private jets, should we be on vacation overseas).

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾


	3. Hats and Haircuts

**Authors' Note: **Here's the next chapter!!! Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing so far. We really appreciate it! Hope you enjoy!

We shower all our reviewers with love and rose petals. No flames, please. Thanks!

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**１月８日月曜日**

**Monday, January 8th**

About five days ago, I was wondering why I hadn't been hearing from Atobe. I think I jinxed myself, because now it seems like I can't get away from him again.

Today I walked out of school like normal, and I heard someone clear their throat behind me. I wasn't expecting anyone, so of course I just kept walking, assuming that the noise wasn't meant for me. But then I heard my name, so I turned around, and there was Atobe. At _my _school. Of course I asked what he was doing there. So he called me _rude _and threatened to leave. Just because I was a little surprised to see him, he was going to turn around and go all the way back to Tokyo and waste his entire trip. What a drama queen.

I took a deep breath, apologized, and asked again as politely as I could why he was there. He didn't really give me a good answer—he started babbling something about how Hyotei doesn't start school again until tomorrow (lucky him), and implied that he might have been in the area for some other reason, but didn't really say so. I don't think he was really in the area; I think he just wanted to make me feel stupid for not thinking of that. So I still don't know why he was there.

And then he starts in whining about the concert—how he thought we were going to meet up afterwards, how he waited for fifteen minutes (oh, such a _long_ time) for me outside by his limo. So at least now I know that I hadn't gone crazy; he did say "see you afterwards." But honestly, who would wait _outside _for someone in the dead of winter? Wasn't he freezing? And besides, why would you walk that far when someone is looking for you? Shouldn't you just stay in one place and wait for them to find you? He probably felt he had to get away from all the "dirty commonfolk," or something.

Anyway, I tried to point some of those things out, and I told him that I looked for him twice as long as he'd been waiting. But he cut me off, saying something like, "Calm down; I forgive you. I thought that your absence was the result of your negative attitude, but apparently it was because you're incapable of thinking logically."

Needless to say, I was not happy.

And then he turns to leave. So not only did he turn a simple misunderstanding into a blatant insult, but he also felt the need to get in the last word. I hate how he always does that. And then he acts like he automatically wins the argument just because he walks away after one of his snappy comebacks. Someone needs to tell him that he's not always right, like he so obviously thinks he is. So I finally decided that I wasn't going to hold my tongue this time. I was all ready to yell at him, but then the strangest thing happened—I forgot what I was going to say. And you'll never guess why.

It was his hair.

That's a stupid thing, right? I noticed that his hair had grown back, so I forgot what I was going to say. I stopped mid-yelling, and he turned and asked me what was the matter. When I told him, for once I think he really didn't know what to say.

I can't blame him. It's kind of hard to explain why I noticed at all, or why it mattered enough to make me stop mid-sentence. It was kind of a _comfort_, I guess, to see his hair looking like it had never been cut in the first place. I've said before that I want to forget about all the bad things that happened last year. It's not like I particularly cared that Echizen Ryoma cut Atobe's hair, but it was one of those things that seemed unsettling at the time. During the rest of the tournament, whenever I saw Atobe, I was reminded of the way it felt when Echizen beat me the first time. In some weird way, it was kind of the same… I mean, Echizen didn't cut my hair or anything—I wouldn't have really cared if he had anyway—but he took something else important from me: my chance to keep my promise to Yukimura. It was just as humiliating to have to stand up there alone and receive a silver medal (and then, later, to have to present that to Yukimura) as it must have been for Atobe to have his hair cut. Maybe it wasn't completely the same, but I still thought of those feelings whenever I saw Atobe's less-than-perfect new hairstyle. And later, of course, the thought of his hair still looking like that reminded me of the fiasco that was the rest of the National tournament. It made me feel better today when I realized that his hair looked like it did before any of that happened.

I told him that it looked good—exactly the way it was before. I knew it was kind of an awkward compliment, so I was going to leave, but then he asked me, "How do you do that?"

What kind of a question is that? I'm still trying to figure out what he meant. I didn't _do _anything... I just gave him a compliment, right? It was hardly a compliment. What was he talking about? I asked him, "Do what?" But he didn't answer. He said "never mind," and then, "See you around." I said the same, and he just left.

I can't figure him out.

In other news, school was good. It was nice to see everyone again, and get back into the swing of things. School is winding down now, and it's much easier when I don't have to focus on tennis. I've offered to help with some of the practices for the underclassmen, but they said they'll only need me maybe once or twice a week. So my afternoons have opened up considerably, and I have plenty of time to study.

Other than that, there's not really anything going on. I've finished studying for tonight; now it's time for bed.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月８日月曜日**

**Monday, January 8th**

I'm not sure whether I should be proud or annoyed with myself, but I finally took matters into my own capable hands regarding the whole concert incident. Or rather, that's what I intended to do, but what I actually ended up accomplishing today was quite different and only served to confuse me even further. I had originally planned to spend the day alone in the house, but after a few hours of driving myself insane with my own disordered thoughts about that particular evening, I finally decided to do something about it. So I had my limousine prepared and ordered the driver to take me to Rikkaidai.

My first thought was to try to find Yukimura and demand an explanation from him regarding the ticket that he gave me. And since I didn't really want to create a commotion, I had the driver park a block away and simply walked the extra distance by myself. (I find that driving a limo up to a school other than my own tends to result in chaos; at Hyotei, it just serves to announce my arrival.)

But as I stood outside the school waiting for him to come out, I started to think over what had happened at the concert itself. And the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't get the last part of the evening out of my mind… I kept remembering how cold it was outside, and how annoying it felt to have to stand there waiting for fifteen minutes for a certain socially inept individual, who couldn't even be bothered to stay long enough to say two words to me, when I could have _sworn_ that we agreed to meet after the concert was over…

To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure why I was so annoyed about it all of a sudden. But I decided that if I did happen to catch a glimpse of that idiot, I was going to give him a lecture on the importance of social etiquette.

Naturally, it just so happened that Sanada was one of the first people that I saw walking out of the building. And simply seeing him was enough to make me grit my teeth in frustration; it was another one of those moments when the only thing that I wanted was to reach out and shake him as hard as I could, just to see if he would even respond.

In any case, I cleared my throat as he walked by, assuming that such a sound would get his attention. Of course, it didn't, and I found myself actually having to call out his name, which was irritating enough. And then what was the first thing out of his mouth, in that obnoxiously abrupt tone he's always using? "What are _you_ doing here?" I swear, if he ever says that to me again, as though it's some kind of acceptable way to greet me, I am going to strangle him.

So I proceeded to inform him of how incredibly rude that was, and I added that I might as well just turn around and go home, if he was going to be like that. To my surprise, he actually apologized, even if it was dismally brief. And he asked again why I was there, which was somewhat reasonable, I suppose, since he was obviously assuming that I should have been in school.

Well, I couldn't exactly say, "I'm here because your boyfriend is plotting something extremely mysterious, and probably evil, behind your back," so I figured that I would launch into my lecture about his lack of manners instead. I explained that school didn't start at Hyotei until tomorrow, and managed to gloss over the fact that it didn't actually make sense that I would be so far from home, even on my day off. And then I finally started in on my lecture: "I was curiousto know where you went in such a hurry after the concert Friday night. You gave ore-sama the false impression that we would meet up afterwards, and ore-sama waited for nearly fifteen minutes…"

Much to my surprise, he interrupted me, sounding almost angry. And he said that he looked for me for more than half an hour, which came as an absolute shock to me, since that would have been the last thing I would have expected as a reply. He then demanded to know where I had been. Needless to say, I was a little indignant by this point, since I had waited more than long enough for him to reasonably locate me…

Come to find out, he didn't even think to look outside. He had spent over half an hour looking inside the building, when I had been by my limousine the whole time. And when I told him this, he actually had the grace to blush a little while he was mumbling an excuse, although I'm sure that he was hoping I didn't notice. So I finally resolved to go easy on him; after all, I'm a perfectly fair person and don't hold needless grudges.

So I took a deep breath (I'm not sure why I had gotten so worked up over such a silly thing), and told him to relax, since I was feeling generous enough to forgive him. Still, I couldn't resist adding a touch of sarcasm to my otherwise merciful concession: "I thought that your actions were a result of your cold and negative disposition. I didn't realize it was because you were incapable of thinking logically."

And then I turned on my heels and started to walk away. (By that point, I didn't even have the patience to wait for Yukimura, who would doubtless have been even more difficult to deal with than Sanada was.) But I still anticipated some kind of parting shot from him, so I prepared myself to get the last word, which I always do. And at first, he sounded like he was going to try to retort, but then he stopped himself and just let out a kind of clumsy, "Oh…"

Needless to say, I was somewhat surprised, so I turned around to ask what his problem was. But all he said was, "Your hair… It grew back."

Well, just like that, all the horrible memories from Nationals came flooding back into my mind. I managed to keep my composure, but I have to admit I was taken aback. To be honest, I was almost in shock that Sanada had noticed such a "trivial" detail, especially about something like another person's _hair_. And I felt myself running my fingers through it, almost like I was trying to make sure that it was still the same… Of course, it was exactly the same length that I had seen in the mirror that morning. So I finally affirmed his observation, feeling almost embarrassed at my own discomfort.

And then I suppose that he started trying to explain why he had said it; he started talking about how the "last time I saw you, well, not the last time, but the time before…" But I knew exactly what he meant. He didn't have to tell _me_, not when it concerned the single worst thing that happened to me during all of last year.

I could never forget that idiotic bet that I made with Seigaku's apparently invincible freshman; it has been my greatest cause for embarrassment to date, and I can make myself furious just thinking about it. I suppose that I should have submitted to my fate with some sort of fake arrogance, and pretend that the bizarre way that the brat cut my hair was just my way of starting a new hairstyle trend. (It actually _did_ start a trend, too, even without my usual bragging; dozens of my classmates still have that haircut. I'm not really sure why, unless it was to attract some of my female followers, who all tried to insist that it made me look "cool.")

But the truth is that every time that I looked into the mirror and saw _that_ on my head, I felt so angry that I wanted to break the damn glass. And for someone who always used to enjoy looking at himself, I don't even have to explain how miserable that was. Honestly, I wasn't even very angry with that cocky Echizen kid; his behavior may not have been exactly admirable, but I had allowed it to happen by provoking him. No, the only person that I was truly angry with was myself… How could I be so incompetent as to lose in such a humiliating manner, and in the plain sight of so many people that I respected and even cared about? And what's more, why did I have to insist upon losing in a way that everyone would have to notice my defeat, even those who had not actually seen it?

But no matter how much I would rage against my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't change what I had lost. And so I resolved to let my hair grow back, every inch of it, and let that decision be my way of forgetting the past and all its failures. I will never go back to that time, those days of losing myself in that half-crazed passion that always urged me to make the most reckless declarations of my own omnipotence. Very few people know it, but I am not that same man anymore, and I will not allow myself to dwell on my worst mistakes any longer. I may not look any different, but I have finally come to realize that I am not invincible, and I refuse to play the villain. Instead, I will strive to become the kind of person who is worthy of genuine admiration, even in my moments of greatest weakness. And yes, it was through coming to know Tezuka Kunimitsu as a friend that I finally came to this resolution.

Well, of course Sanada couldn't possibly know about all of this. The most he had seen of my embarrassing haircut was on my last day at Nationals, while I was leaving the tournament grounds. And so he was still busy trying to explain what he was talking about. But I already understood, and so I interrupted his fumbling by telling him that I knew exactly what he meant, and that it had looked awful and that I wanted to forget about it.

And then the strangest thing happened. He pointed out that my hair looked exactly like it did before, which is true. And then he said that it looked "good."

Sanada Genichiroh gave me a _compliment_.

He turned to leave, and I suddenly got the strangest feeling, as I stood there and realized exactly what he had just said. It was almost like a kind of flutter somewhere inside my chest, a bit uncomfortable but not quite unpleasant… And I stood there watching as he started to walk away, and then I found myself blurting out of nowhere, "How do you do that?"

Of course, he didn't know what I was talking about; he just looked back at me with a strange expression on his face. And the truth is that I didn't even know what I was talking about. So I just said, "Never mind," and there was another one of those awkward pauses again. (I really do hate that.) I didn't know what else to say, so I just added rather awkwardly, "I suppose I'll see you around?"

Come to think of it, I don't even know what I meant by that. We live in completely different cities; there's no reason to think that I would see him again until tennis season starts. But he didn't seem to think much of it; he just agreed and went on his way. And it's almost comical, how he's always like that… He just walks confidently along, one determined step at a time, with those piercing eyes that always stare straight ahead…

And now, as I read back over this entry, I'm really starting to wonder what's wrong with me. After all, I, Atobe Keigo, went out of my way on the last day of vacation to get to the bottom of a frustratingly bizarre scheme that I certainly don't want to be a part of. But I never even talked to the person responsible for it, and I didn't get a single answer to any of my questions. Instead, I had a completely inarticulate discussion with a man who has the personality of slow-drying cement, and I now find myself unable to stop thinking about the fact that the slow-drying cement actually said something rather nice to me, for once in his incredibly dull life. This doesn't make any sense at all, and that's putting it mildly… I could care less what Sanada Genichiroh thinks, and I certainly have no desire to see him any sooner than I absolutely have to…

I must be losing my mind.

In any case, I need to stop writing, losing my mind or not. It's eleven o'clock and tomorrow is finally a school day, so I really do need to get some rest. It just won't do to have those unsightly dark circles under my eyes, simply because I was spending too much time thinking about slow-drying cement, of all the pointless things that I could be wasting time thinking about…

And I _swear_, if that stupid tango music does not stop playing in my head over and over again, like a broken record from hell, I'm going to have to smash something horribly expensive and blame it on one of the maids.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月９日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 9th**

My grandfather and I resumed my weekly kendo lessons today. He said that I seemed less focused than usual. I wonder why.

Grandfather is a little strange sometimes. A perfect example of this is the fact that we took a break from lessons in the first place. I used to ask him every year why he wanted to skip two whole lessons—the last Tuesday of the year and the first Tuesday of the new one. He would always respond by smiling, putting his hand on my shoulder, and telling me that I needed to relax. It always seemed to me that such a sentiment was contrary to the concept of discipline, which is central to the martial arts. I guess now I see why my brother went to study kendo at the University of Tokyo; Grandfather is quite a master, but sometimes his perspective strays a bit from the traditional.

Father says that Grandfather never used to be like that. My brother tells me the same. Supposedly Grandfather was at one time even stricter than my father, which is kind of hard to believe. But I do think I remember it being something like that. It's just that I was very small when Grandmother died… That's when everything started to change. I remember a period of time when I didn't see much of my grandfather; he was usually in his room with the doors closed. My parents said he was sick. A year or so later, though, I remember sitting in the garden in the spring, and he sat down beside me. He started talking about how beautiful the cherry blossoms looked, just before they had completely bloomed. I was just surprised to see him outside. I asked him how he was feeling. He smiled at me and said, "Much better." I wanted to make sure, so I asked him if he was positive. He just laughed and said yes. Then he put his arms around me and said, "Besides, I didn't want to miss the cherry blossoms blooming."

Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if he was really talking about the cherry blossoms. When he said that, it seemed more like he was talking about me.

Since then, he's been a different person. He smiles all the time, and he takes everything at a much slower pace. It seems like he has a greater appreciation of life. The rest of my family just thinks he's odd. I say the same thing, but sometimes I think I might be a little jealous because I don't understand. It seems like he has no sense of purpose anymore. I don't think it should be that way; if I were him, I would take on more students like he used to. If not that, I'd at least live for the one student that I had. But I can tell that he'd be just as happy even if he wasn't teaching me. It almost seems like he doesn't _want_ to have a purpose anymore. And he's _happy _with that. That's what I don't understand. I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have something specific to dedicate my time to.

Still, I can't help feeling like he knows something I don't. Like he isn't just senile, like my dad sometimes jokes.

Maybe _I'll _figure it out by the time I'm his age.

e

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月９日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 9th**

You would think that I would have something interesting to write about today, since school has finally started and I'm no longer spending all of my time trying to distract myself from my own boredom. But it was such an ordinary day that I find myself struggling to find something about it that could be important enough to mention here. Of course, the usual swarm of girls mobbed me as soon as I got out of the limousine this morning, but I'm used to that. And all of my classes were a complete bore, which is to be expected.

I suppose I had a mildly interesting lunch hour, though. At the very least, it was more enjoyable than the rest of my day. Since I really didn't feel like dealing with the smothering affections of my fan club during lunchtime (a feeling that I've been experiencing more and more frequently), I decided to duck into the music room while they were still busy looking for me. And sure enough, there were all my former teammates, sitting and eating lunch.

I'm not even sure when it started, but somehow, we've all gotten into the habit of eating lunch in the music room. Our coach doesn't seem to mind, since he's usually in his office during lunch period. And it's actually rather peaceful, especially compared to most of the other classrooms. Come to think of it, I think the whole thing might have started with Shishido and Ootori… Ootori used to spend some of his lunch hour practicing on the piano, and naturally his loyal puppy dog had to tag along with him. (Shishido is officially going to kill me if he ever reads this.)

Anyway, by the time that I had made my grand escape, I realized that I had completely forgotten to grab my lunch. I think it must have shown on my face, at least a little, because when I turned to go back out into the hallway, Kabaji called out after me. (Like I said, he really does talk more than he used to.) And I looked at him, and just like that, I knew what he was going to say. So I quickly asked, "Are you sure you don't mind?" Of course, all he said in reply was, "Usu."

Well, by that point, my other teammates were all confused, at least until Kabaji handed me part of his bento box and a pair of chopsticks. (Sometimes I think Kabaji always tries to be prepared to share his lunch with someone… He always has an enormous amount of food and extra chopsticks. Come to think of it, I think that's Jiroh's fault, since he has a rather amusing habit of forgetting to bring his lunch. Kabaji's mother is an excellent cook, though, so I can't say I mind.)

Anyway, Shishido made some pointless remark, like, "What, do you two have ESP or something now?" And Oshitari immediately jumped into the fray by saying something to the effect of, "You know, Shishido, of all people, you really shouldn't be talking."

Of course, the rest of us knew what he meant, but Shishido and Ootori were both completely clueless. So Oshitari explained at length, and the conversation degenerated into which two people had the most uncanny ability to read each other's minds. Naturally, Shishido and Ootori were the prime candidates, since they've even gotten in the habit of finishing each other's sentences lately. (Which is really just so _cute_ that I usually have to roll my eyes when it happens.) But as I pointed out, Oshitari and Gakuto also have an inordinate amount of inside jokes and a way of knowing what the other is talking about before the rest of us can catch their meaning.

And as they were sitting there arguing about whether it was creepier to finish each other's sentences or to have a thousand inside jokes that don't even make sense, I found myself wondering what that must be like. I may be able to catch what some of my friends are about to say before they actually say it, but it isn't because I know them all that well… It's just because I can figure out what they're probably going to say by making logical assumptions.

So what is it like to know someone so well that you can actually read their mind? I found myself wishing that I knew. And of course, that made me think about how maybe it had something to do with how they're all official couples now, which made me think of the whole _boyfriend_ issue, and then I found myself getting slightly depressed again… But then Jiroh made some sort of unrelated comment that made everyone laugh, and I forgot all about it.

But now, as I sit here remembering the conversation, I can't help but realize that I've never had anyone like that. If anything, the reason that people usually start to interest me is because I can't predict their actions. Tezuka first intrigued me because I found that I couldn't read him at all. And Yukimura is like that, though in a much more disconcerting way… And come to think of it, so is Sanada sometimes.

Like yesterday, for example… I still can't get what he said to me off my mind, mostly because I can't understand _why_ he said it in the first place. Of course, I can kind of understand why he noticed; his last memory of me over the summer was probably how strange I looked with that odd haircut. But Sanada is definitely not the type of person to just blurt something out like that, and the more I think back on the conversation, the more it confuses me. The way he said it, he was even making it sound like it was important, somehow… Maybe that's just how he talks. Besides, why would Sanada Genichiroh, of all people, care about the state of my haircut? It just doesn't make sense.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that he actually gave me a _compliment_ about it. After all, why should he care if my hair looks "good"? He can't possibly care, and that's exactly why it doesn't make any sense. It's not like Sanada is the type of person who likes unnecessary chatter. And up until yesterday, I can't recall him ever saying something nice to me… I can only assume that he considers compliments to be a frivolous waste of his obviously scant word supply.

Maybe that's why I still find myself thinking about it, over twenty-four hours later, when the last thing I should be thinking about is some random thing that Sanada Genichiroh said to me… Come to think of it, perhaps there's something intelligent about hardly ever giving out compliments. It certainly would make the few that you do give impossible to forget.

Well, it doesn't matter. I'm sure he's already forgotten all about it, and I'm certainly not going to waste my valuable time by thinking about it anymore.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１０日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 10th**

Not much happened today. School was boring. I helped with tennis practice for a few hours and then went home.

I thought about what Grandfather said yesterday. I even asked Mother about it—I've always found her really easy to talk to, though I'm not sure why that is. What she said kind of surprised me. She said that my brother started to have the same problem just before he started high school; Grandfather would frequently tell him that he had lost some of his focus. Mother assured me (with a pat on the back) that it was just part of being my age.

I guess it makes sense. I mean, there's a long list of things I'm going through that could be potentially distracting. A perfect example is my relationship with Yukimura. I have very strong feelings for him and I'm constantly thinking about him. That can't come without some loss of focus.

As I read over those last two sentences again, I suddenly feel a slight pang of guilt. Of course, I can only admit this here in my journal, knowing that no one will read it… It's because of the phrase "constantly thinking about him." Because, I guess, I don't.

I know it's ridiculous to think about him _all _the time… But I used to; at least, more so than I do now. And I don't know why that is. I know that eventually in every relationship, the "magic" is supposed to wear off. I've never quite understood what that was supposed to mean, but maybe that's all that's happened.

I wonder if the same thing has happened to him. I've always wondered things like that, I guess… How often does he think of me? When he does, what exactly does he think about? Does he ever have dreams about me? Does he love me as much as I love him?

Those are the kind of questions you can't actually ask, even to your boyfriend.

There are a lot of things I'd like to ask him, if I felt like I could. I've said before that I think I know everything about him, but sometimes I feel like I don't. It's probably impossible to know _everything _about someone, though. I'll never know what exactly he's thinking at every given moment in time, just as he won't always know what I'm thinking. But sometimes I wish I could read his mind. There are times when I look at him that I notice that his deep blue eyes, though pointed in my direction, aren't really looking at me, but somewhere sort of beyond me… I always wonder what he's thinking about at those moments, when he stares into space like that. Sometimes I ask, and sometimes he'll tell me, but sometimes he smiles and says, "Nothing," and wants me to leave it at that. And I do. But is it so wrong to hope that he's thinking about me?

The more that I think about it, the more impossible it seems. If he thinks of me in those moments, then why isn't he really looking at me? Like I said, it always seems like his focus is farther away… It's almost depressing to think about. I wish he were thinking of me.

I think I'll make a point of it to think of Yukimura more often. I'm sure he wishes that I thought of him constantly, much like I wish the same of him. And he deserves at least that much from me.

Time to go to sleep.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１０日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 10th**

School is officially nothing but one gigantic bore. Of course, I always expect for all of my classes to be ridiculously easy, but ever since we've entered the final stretch before the entrance exams, it seems like our teachers are being even more easygoing than usual. (I suppose it's to keep my peers from having too many stress-related heart attacks, since most of them are spending so much time in cram school.) Not to mention that my extracurricular schedule has also freed up considerably, since I don't have an entire tennis club to keep an eye on. And I've already retired from the student council, so I don't have a single reason to stay after school anymore.

Ironically, this means that lunch period is the most interesting part of my day. I wonder if it would amuse my former teammates to know that. (Probably, since I think most of them imagine that I must lead some kind of incredibly glamorous life, just because my house is the size of a small town. Oddly enough, it has been my experience that being rich makes you even more prone to boredom than the rest of humanity.)

In any case, I remembered to bring my lunch today, which was fortunate because Jiroh forgot his lunch again. (Sometimes I think that he would forget his vital organs if that were possible.) Most of our conversation was rather trivial, but then again, I suppose that our lunchtime discussions are never particularly meaningful. We spent a little time talking about the things that we had done over our vacation, though, mostly because Jiroh suddenly remembered to ask me how my trip to New York had been.

It was almost strange; I should have had the most to talk about, since I was the only one who had gone out of town during the break. But the rest of them were so much more animated when they talked about what they had been doing. Of course, Shishido and Ootori probably spent every waking hour together (or at least it seemed like it, given the way they seemed to know everything that the other had done). And then it seemed like Oshitari and Gakuto had been together a great deal, certainly more than I would have expected, given that they had been fighting so much during the fall.

And then, much to my surprise, I found out that they had all gone out together while I was away. Apparently, they just randomly decided to go out to a karaoke bar a few days before New Year's Eve. I have to admit, I'm almost shocked that they were being such socialites. (Normally, I'm the one who has to organize such things, usually with a great deal of kicking and screaming on the part of certain individuals.) And then they all started teasing each other about their singing. Jiroh even poked Hiyoshi and commented on something about some "crazy rap song" that I didn't really catch. And Hiyoshi actually _laughed_, of all things, and said something like, "You're one to talk, Jiroh-senpai. You tried to rap in English. Enough said."

And Jiroh started whining about how mean that was, and Shishido was mimicking some strange dance move, which was making Gakuto give him his patented glare of death. And Oshitari was patting him on the head and saying something about, "Relax, Gakuto, you made a wonderful pop princess," which of course made Gakuto start smacking him on the arm, and Ootori was just laughing, in that cheerful way of his…

And suddenly, I felt completely invisible.

That's ridiculous, of course… After all, there's no reason why they can't get together without me. In fact, I'd feel badly if they _didn't_, since I'm out of town so often and I wouldn't want such a trivial detail to hold them back. I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of such a small thing; it's not like I own them, and it's not really even my business what they chose to do with their free time.

And yet, somehow…

Somehow, I can't stop feeling depressed about the most trivial things, no matter how hard I try.

Well, at the very least, the discussion during lunch was still a better way to spend my time than the way that I've been wasting this evening. I was sitting in my front parlor, trying to read a book, and that tango music started popping into my head _again_. And that made me completely forget about what I was reading, and I even started thinking about the whole incident with Sanada again, as though I haven't spent enough time pondering that incredibly useless subject. And I am so sick to death of thinking about that concert and the tiny snippets of conversation we had and all the rambling on Yukimura's part when he came to my house, about what an absolutely _perfect_ boyfriend Sanada is, and how _wonderfully_ their relationship is going, and how _sweet_ he can be sometimes…

So I finally decided to drown out my own thoughts by blaring Beethoven's Fifth Symphony over my personal sound system. There's nothing like some angry classical music to make you forget about Latin dancing. Or pointless excursions to karaoke bars, for that matter. Or even the dreaded subject of "significant others."

I should listen to classical music more often.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１１日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 11**

I knew that a day like this would come eventually. I should have assumed so, anyway, as soon as I decided that I was going to write every day.

I officially have nothing to write about. Absolutely _nothing_ interesting happened today.

But I have to write _something_, so I suppose I'll describe my day. Here it is: I got up, ate breakfast, went to school, went to the gym, came home, ate dinner, and studied. That was my day. Exciting, don't you think?

I'm feeling suddenly frustrated. I don't know whether it's because my day was boring, or just because I have to write about it. Either way, some part of me wants to throw this book in the trash can as hard as I possibly can. It would probably make a loud noise, which I think I'd find strangely satisfying. At least until my father came in and yelled at me for waking him up.

Maybe I'm just driving myself crazy because the busiest tennis season of my life is over. Now I feel like I have too much free time and I'm doing nothing useful with it. I hate wasting time.

The problem, though, is that I'm not wasting time. I've been training for the next tennis season, studying for entrance exams, practicing kendo… Really, I haven't taken a break today until just now. I'm busy, and it's with things that are important…

It's just that it's the same thing, every single day.

I don't understand. I'm normally so happy with my usual routine. The last time I felt this frustrated was probably a result of my routine being interrupted in some way. Why have I suddenly realized how monotonous my life is? And why is it bothering me so much?

To be honest, I was noticing it all day. When I got to class, I sat down in my usual seat, and all I could think of was getting through another day. Then another day tomorrow, then another, then a day off, then another week. When I went outside to eat lunch, I sat with the same people—my former teammates—and when I opened my box, it was the same thing I have every day. I went back to class at the exact same time I do every day, and before I left school, I gave Yukimura a kiss, like usual, and said "See you tomorrow," just like always.

The kiss didn't even feel like anything anymore.

I can't believe I just wrote that. But it's true. I kiss him mostly because it's normal. Because I love him, of course, and because it's my way of saying goodbye every day. But it's become such a part of my daily routine that it's not special anymore. Don't get me wrong; I like kissing him, but I wish there were some way to make it seem special again. I wonder if he's as bored of it as I am.

What I don't understand about all of this is why I didn't feel this way sooner. If this really is a result of tennis being over, why am I only starting to feel this way five months later? What has happened lately that could have possibly triggered this?

It's 11:01. Which means that I'm one minute late for my usual bedtime.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１１日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 11th**

I simply cannot take this any longer. And as such, I am not going to stop writing in this journal until I have fixed this unspeakably absurd problem…

I cannot stop thinking about Sanada Genichiroh.

While I realize that I am reasonably perplexed about that visit from Yukimura, and even more perplexed about the circumstances surrounding the concert that followed it, these facts do not excuse even the slightest wasted thought on a brick wall like Sanada. It certainly does not excuse the way he popped into my head during class, when the only thing that prompted it was an oblique reference to the turbulent history of Argentina on the part of the teacher. (Let me summarize my train of thought to demonstrate how ridiculous this was: Argentina Argentine tango tango music Latin concert seeing Sanada.) And it also doesn't excuse the time during passing period where I actually found myself humming that obnoxious tune out loud, as though I actually enjoy having it stuck on repeat inside my head.

But above all else, what it really doesn't excuse is the part where I walked into the music room during lunch today and nearly had a heart attack, because there was that oh-so-familiar navy blue cap, right in front of my eyes. I think that all of the color must have drained out of my face, I was so shocked to see _that_ person in my music room… And then suddenly I realized that Sanada had apparently shrunk several inches and decided to start wearing his hat backwards. At which point I grabbed Shishido by the collar and blurted out something to the effect of, "You idiot, what in the _hell_ are you wearing?"

Well, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. All of my teammates were staring at me, and rightly so, because I am sure that I must have sounded insane, just exclaiming something like that out of absolutely nowhere. Even Shishido was shocked, but he finally managed to stammer out something like, "Uhhhh… Our school uniform?"

I managed to calm down at that point, at least enough to try to keep a miniscule shred of my dignity, and explained that I was referring to the hat on his head. At which point he explained, if rather inarticulately, that it was a Christmas present (which makes sense, given how worn out his other hat happens to be). And then I noticed that he was blushing, which of course meant that Ootori must have given it to him, but everyone else was still too busy staring at me to notice even the slight embarrassment on his part…

And I don't even know why, but suddenly, I just had the most inexplicable urge to disappear into thin air. And so I excused myself from the room. I suppose that I decided that it was better to give them all lunch hour to forget about my psychotic behavior by eating my lunch somewhere else, rather than risk answering any of their perfectly reasonable questions.

So I proceeded to eat my lunch outside in the courtyard, and spent most of the remaining half hour mentally insulting myself for my own stupidity.

I also resolved to try to think through the whole situation logically tonight, so that this kind of thing never happens again… So here I am, trying to figure out why I can't get someone like Sanada Genichiroh out of my head. What makes this difficult is that this phenomenon doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, at least not when considered logically. First of all, the strange circumstances surrounding the concert cannot explain such ridiculous behavior on my part, at least not completely. What's more, out of all the people that interacted with me during the time that this odd situation unfolded, I had the least actual contact with Sanada. So it doesn't actually make sense that _he_ would be the one that has become impossible to extract from my thoughts.

And now, as I think through the situation, I am forced to realize that this must have been part of Yukimura's plan. Unless he is completely innocent and has no scheme at all regarding the concert ticket (which I am personally betting against), he must have wanted for me to notice that Sanada was there. And why would he want me to notice that? If he simply wanted to make me jealous that he has a boyfriend and I do not, which seems much too childish for someone like Yukimura, he would have come along and acted like Sanada's perfect little wife right in front of me. But he wasn't even there, so it can't be that simple.

But then why would he want me to notice? Is it really possible that he wanted me to start thinking about his boyfriend like this? Well, if I assume that his plan was a success, I would have to know why I am thinking about Sanada, in order to know what he was aiming to accomplish. And that is a rather difficult question to answer, at least logically.

After all, Sanada really does have all the personality and charm of a marble statue, at least as far as his interaction with me is concerned. If anything, our last few meetings have only proved that he is even more socially awkward than I thought. And I simply don't get along well with people who make a point of ignoring me, which Sanada obviously tries to do. Take Tezuka, for example… He was always trying to avoid me on the court, so I responded by trying to destroy his tennis career. No, being ignored really does not sit well with me at all. In fact, it drives me absolutely insane, which could explain a great deal of my irrational behavior lately.

Actually, in a lot of ways, Sanada can be even more difficult to deal with than Tezuka is…

Oh, god.

That's _exactly_ my problem. If Sanada is so much like Tezuka, then it's no wonder that I would find it difficult to get him off of my mind. After all, it goes without saying that Tezuka's habit of not responding to my provocations always intrigued me, and Sanada is exactly the same way when it comes to dealing with my presence. Besides, I have never been so completely blind as to deny the obvious: Sanada is certainly good-looking, just as handsome as Tezuka is. And I've kept insisting to myself that I couldn't get past the fact that Sanada has no personality, but I used to think that Tezuka didn't have much of a personality either, and I still fell for him.

So that has to mean that I can't stop thinking about Sanada because I'm _attracted_ to him.

Well, this is ridiculous.

After all, doesn't Yukimura know that I've gotten over my infatuation with Tezuka? I certainly don't intend to repeat such a painful mistake, by trying to get involved with someone who isn't even available. (And again, why in the world would Yukimura want such a thing? Only an idiot would be that careless with their boyfriend, especially if he was that good-looking and also apparently clueless.) Not to mention the fact that it's extremely unlikely that I would fall for someone if I knew that people were expecting me to do so. Besides, this scenario would imply that there's something else that Yukimura doesn't understand…

And that's the fact that I've learned the difference between infatuation and love.

In the end, the reality that I am attracted to someone does not necessarily guarantee that we belong together. It was the same way with Tezuka… While I'm honored that I have since been given the chance to discover that he is an incredible person, I didn't actually know a thing about him while I was pursuing him. And you can't truly be in love with someone unless you take the time to get to know them beforehand. I'm certainly not foolish enough to waste my time trying to get to know Sanada Genichiroh. Even if he did turn out to have a decent personality underneath that stoic front, I know better than to try to get close to someone who is obviously content in his current relationship.

No, I'm certainly not stupid enough to let myself fall head over heels for some unreachable statue again. Sanada is just like Tezuka… He's too perfect to have any real faults, and too unreadable to even begin to try to comprehend. Ultimately, that's not the kind of person that I truly want… I may be an ambitious individual, the type of overachiever whose usual motto is to aim high, but when it comes to giving away my heart, I refuse to grasp at the clouds.

No, in such a case, I am firmly resolved to stop myself before I can even start to feel that way. And from now on, that's exactly what I'll be doing when it comes to Sanada Genichiroh.

Of course, I'm sitting here spending all this time explaining why I would never let Sanada become a second Tezuka to me, but the truth is that all of this is so incredibly obvious. I would never fall in love with Sanada when I've already made this kind of mistake before. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Yukimura must already be aware of this fact. Besides, there is no conceivable reason that Yukimura would actually want me to fall for his darling boyfriend, so his intent must be something else…

But why would he simply want me to be attracted to Sanada? I have no reason to act on such a trivial thing, especially not regarding someone who is practically a stranger to me. But there must be something about this that Yukimura would want to use to his advantage, at least if I am still assuming that he has a method to his apparent madness.

Well, if that scheming saint did have some kind of a plan, I can only hope that it is doomed to fail miserably, since it seems to have been so poorly thought out. He should have considered the fact that I am rational enough to be aware of my own foolish tendencies, not to mention that I don't make the same mistake twice.

And unfortunately for him, now that I have realized all of this, I will have no further need to trouble myself with the inconsequential subject of Sanada Genichiroh.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾


	4. By the Fountain

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Prince of Tennis or any characters.

**Authors' Notes: **Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews!! You make us so happy. No flames please. Please Enjoy!

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**１月１２日金曜日**

**Friday, January 12**

I had a better day today. I'm still not sure why I was feeling so frustrated yesterday.

When I said goodbye to Yukimura today, I took a little more time than usual kissing him. He noticed—I should have expected that he would—and he asked me why I did that. That led to me telling him some of what I had been feeling yesterday. He seemed to understand. He even said that he'd been feeling the same way lately, which surprised me.

Somehow all of this led to us going out for dinner. It was nice. After that, we walked around town for a few hours and talked. We were enjoying ourselves so much that Yukimura asked me to come home with him so we could keep talking. It was getting really late, though, so unfortunately I had to tell him no. I'll try to make it up to him tomorrow.

I gave him another kiss and said goodbye. But before I left, he grabbed my arm and asked me if we could go out on Sunday. He wanted to meet at a park all the way in downtown Tokyo. Of course I said yes, but I left feeling a little confused. Why does he want to meet so far away, instead of meeting up and taking the train together? He made it seem like it was important. I wonder if he has something planned. I guess I'll find out.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. I didn't even get the chance to exercise, since I was out so long with Yukimura. That always feels strange to me; it seems like I'm forgetting something. But it's not a big deal. I can skip a day every now and then. (Renji even sometimes tells me that I need to more often.)

I don't really have anything else to write about. I should probably go to bed.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１２日金曜日**

**Friday, January 12th**

Well, I am happy to report that the rather pointless subjects that have been on my mind for the past few days have finally stopped troubling me. In fact, the only time that I found myself remembering those particular events was during this evening, when I suddenly realized that I had not thought about them even once today. Of course, I knew that this would be the case, once I had settled all of my questions to my own satisfaction.

And I have done that. Even though I still don't know why I was given that concert ticket, it doesn't really concern me any longer, now that I am aware of my own feelings on the subject. No matter what others may be planning, it cannot affect me if I am determined to stay out of it. And believe me, I am determined to stay out of it… I have no interest in becoming a part of some twisted scheme concerning people I hardly know.

As for school today, it was just as boring as ever. It's incredible, how stressed all of my peers are about the high school entrance exams. I suppose I should be more sympathetic, but it's hard for me to relate to having to struggle to get a good score on a test. In fact, we've already taken a few practice exams, and thus far, I've managed to get the top score every single time. And I already know for a fact that I'll continue to attend Hyotei during high school; between the chairman of the board and the influence my father, I don't think it would be possible for me to avoid being accepted, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, to have to study so hard and still run the risk of failing. In a way, it's almost regrettable that I've never had to struggle for something like that… Even though I'm sure that it must be frustrating to have to work so hard, it would still be extremely rewarding if you achieved your goal.

Instead, I've spent my three years in junior high trying to create challenges for myself. At first, it was to be at the top of my class in every single subject… When I reached that goal, it became getting elected as student council president, as well as keeping my top spot in the class. And then when that seemed like it might be achievable, I added the goal of becoming the captain of Hyotei's gigantic tennis club to my list. And while none of those things was exactly easy, I still achieved every single one of them without too much in the way of sweat, blood, or tears.

And then I hit the glass ceiling, when I vowed to become the top tennis player in the nation. Of course, I don't know what I expected… It was an impossible goal, especially considering the way some of the people that I know actually eat, sleep, and breathe nothing but tennis. (The entire team of Rikkai regular players comes to mind, for example.) But I had never failed before, and it seemed like as long as I was determined to work hard enough, nothing was impossible for me.

But the irritating thing about hard work is that anyone can do it, and because of that, everyone does. Even the most talented tennis players have a tendency to be working just as hard as you are, while you're still just trying to make up the difference in abilities that already existed during the previous tournament. And because of that, hard work just wasn't enough. In the end, I still failed miserably.

I suppose I am being too hard on myself, but it is difficult not to see my tennis career thus far as a failure. After all, it goes without saying that I did not lead my team to victory while I was captain. And I am quite certain that there are a few exceptional individuals whom I will never surpass, when it comes to that particular sport. Tezuka, Yukimura, Sanada, Echizen… The list is not very long, but it is daunting nonetheless.

Well, then, I suppose that I do know what it is like to work so hard at something and still run the risk of failing. And while I cannot say that it feels pleasant to fall short of your goal, I did discover that there is something to be gained from failure: I have certainly learned more about myself in failing than I ever have in succeeding.

Most importantly, I've learned that there is more to life than success, and that mere achievements cannot satisfy me. Unfortunately, I'm still looking for something that will.

It seems like a question that could take a long time to answer.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１２日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 13**

Today was another normal day. At least now it's the weekend, and I have a day to relax.

I asked Yukimura if he wanted to go out with me after school. I wanted to make up for the fact that I had to go home yesterday. I thought that if there was anything he still wanted to talk about, we could. But he said no, which surprised me. I probably should have asked him why.

I'm finding him a little harder to predict lately. I always think I know exactly what he's going to say, and then he proves me wrong. I don't like it. I feel like I don't quite understand him anymore, and it makes me kind of nervous. It almost seems like there's something he's not telling me.

Again, if I brought any of this up with him, he'd tell me that I'm just extremely paranoid. And I know I am. My fears are probably unfounded, and I probably shouldn't even be wasting my time writing about them. But if there _is _something he's not telling me, I wish he would say it. I want him to feel comfortable telling me everything.

Maybe I should ask Renji about all of this. He would probably know if there was something…

Then again, maybe that would be wrong. I'm not sure Yukimura would appreciate me going behind his back and talking about him with Renji. And if Renji knows something I don't, there's probably a reason for that, and Yukimura might not like it if he told me…

I don't know. Would that be wrong, to ask Renji? Sometimes it really does feel like an unfair advantage, having a friend that knows practically everything… Perhaps it all depends on my reason for doing it. If there really is nothing Yukimura is hiding, then it's just for my own peace of mind. And if there is something, I want to know because I want to help. It's not like I'm just being nosy. I want to know if there's anything I can do, because I care about him.

I think I will ask Renji. There's nothing wrong with asking advice from a friend who would know. I know _I_ wouldn't mind if Yukimura went to him and asked something about me… I'll ask Renji about it on Monday, if I think of it.

I should probably go to bed now, even though it's pretty early for a Saturday night. I have to catch an earlier train if I want to be downtown by 11:00 in the morning. I still don't know why we're meeting so far away.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１３日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 13th**

Today, I took some time after school to drop by the gymnasium and see how the new team of regular players is coming along. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised by their progress over winter break; they already seem much more like a cohesive group than they did during the fall. And while I would never give Hiyoshi too much credit this early in the game, I have to say that I'm impressed with how he and Ootori have handled the leadership responsibilities.

Of course, I made sure that no one actually noticed that I was watching them… Hiyoshi, Ootori, and Kabaji may be used to my presence, but the other Regulars still have a tendency to lose their focus when I'm around. (It's almost like they still expect me at any time to snap my fingers and make them do the choreographed cheer I invented… Yes, I trained them well.)

It's a strange feeling, to watch the upcoming team practice… No matter how well you did during your senior year, you always have this faintly abandoned feeling, as though you've been replaced. And yet somehow, there's still a kind of pride there, too; you want to convince yourself that the next team could never be as good as your team was. Well, I'm not delusional. I know that this group has the potential to surpass the team that I led, if they stay focused and work as hard as they can. Most teams have that potential; I think that many players would be surprised at just how far they could go if they aim high.

Still, some vain part of me wants to believe that it would be impossible to fill our shoes. But then again, I suppose that is the nostalgic conceit of every leader.

One other notable thing happened today, but this occurrence came as a surprise to me: Tezuka gave me a call, of all things. He asked if we could meet by a fountain in a certain downtown park on Sunday. Needless to say, I was a bit stunned that Tezuka was extending an invitation to me, outside of our usual meetings at the coffee shop. At the very least, I would expect an invitation from Tezuka to involve a tennis court, not a park. I did try asking why he wanted to meet, but all he said was that he wanted to talk to me about something. The strange thing was that he made it sound like it was important. So I agreed, of course, but the very next thing that he did was hang up, so I couldn't ask him any more questions about it.

It does make me wonder, though… Maybe he has an answer to my question about Yukimura. Even though I've already decided that I'm not going to concern myself with that particular situation, I have to admit that I'm still curious about it. But I also have to wonder how he would have come up with an answer that I was unable to decipher. I suppose I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１４日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 14**

Yukimura has managed to surprise me yet again.

I went downtown to the park where we were supposed to meet. I was a few minutes early, so I just sat by the foutain and waited. Not long after I sat down, I got a phone call from Yukimura. He told me that he couldn't make it, because his family wanted to go out to lunch or something. I don't understand why he didn't know about this sooner, if it was important enough to make him cancel our date. And why did he wait until I'd made it all the way downtown before he called? Judging by the noise I heard in the background, he hadn't even left his house yet. To get downtown in time to meet me, obviously he would have had to leave much sooner. So he must have known for a while that he wouldn't be able to meet me. Why didn't he call?

I don't understand him lately.

I was somewhat frustrated when I hung up with him. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do; was I just supposed to turn around and go all the way back home? I knew that this was basically going to ruin my entire day. And then (as if things weren't bad enough) I heard a voice somewhere beside me say, "Fancy seeing you here." You'll never guess who it was.

It was Atobe.

Today was just not my day. Honestly, I can't think of anyone I would have hated seeing more.

Needless to say, I was startled. Of course I knew his voice, so I was almost reluctant to turn and look—I figured that his presence would only serve to annoy me further. But I did turn around, and I asked him what he was doing there. At least this time he didn't call me rude. But, again, he didn't answer my question. He said it was a "strange coincidence," and asked me if I thought the same. I felt like he was trying to get at something, but I couldn't figure out what it was. If he's going to hint at something, he should be clearer about it.

I still was not in the best mood, and I admit that my answer was not exactly cordial. I told him that I thought that the coincidence was not only strange, but unfortunate. I expected him to glare at me, make some snide remark, and leave feeling somehow victorious. But he didn't; he laughed it off instead. And then he felt the need to say, "Let me guess; your boyfriend stood you up."

Why is it that he always seems to know the absolute worst thing to say? I was feeling disappointed enough about Yukimura; did he really have to draw attention to the fact that he cancelled on me? Again, here I must admit that my response was not ideal… I replied, "At least I _have _a boyfriend."

I have to say, it was refreshing to see his jaw drop like that. He asked, "What did you say?" Like he hadn't heard me. I knew he had; his reaction made that obvious. And then he said something like, "It's cute that you think I should be jealous of you." He actually called me _cute. _If that was some lame attempt at being condescending, it definitely didn't work. And the funniest part was that I could tell that he _was _jealous.

Here's an amusing thought I've never really considered: I have a boyfriend, and Atobe doesn't. I knew that, obviously, but I've never seriously stopped to think about it. I think it really says something. For all of his confidence and bragging and declarations of his own greatness, he doesn't even have a boyfriend. For that matter, he's never had one. And I don't think it's because he doesn't want one; I've heard plenty of rumors that he's had his share of, let's just say, _short-lived _relationships. Apparently no one takes him seriously enough to actually date him. No one wants him. Atobe Keigo is absolutely alone.

That is such a comforting thought.

And despite all that, he said he has no reason to be jealous of me. I told him that I found it funny, then, that he was. Of course he denied it, asking me where I got such an idea. He was so clearly frustrated that I asked him what his problem was, if in fact it wasn't jealousy. I don't remember his entire answer, but he began it something like, "My problem is that I'm talking to an arrogant imbecile…"

Of all the insulting words that Atobe Keigo had to choose from in his gigantic vocabulary, he picked "arrogant." For _me._

Who is Atobe to be calling _me _arrogant? He's the living definition of that word. And if he thinks it's such a perfect insult, he could try practicing what he preaches.

I had to interrupt him. I said, "_I'm _arrogant?" and I'm sure he knew what was coming. He fumbled with some excuse about why he thinks I'm arrogant—something about how people just don't notice it because I'm so quiet. And I guess he was right to some extent; I'm very confident in my abilities and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm better than someone, if I am. But at least I don't overdo it, like he does. Still feeling annoyed, I told him, "At least I have the decency to conceal some of it, while _some people _prefer to shout it out to the world." His comeback was something to the effect of, "I see nothing wrong with proclaiming my greatness if it's self-evident."

When he said that, a thought occurred to me. Why does he feel the need to say it so much if he thinks it's so obvious? Why not just show people? That, I think, is the difference between me and him. If I'm arrogant, at least I don't try to tell other people how great I am. If they want, they can see it for themselves. I don't care if I'm the only one who knows it. But Atobe prefers people to worship the ground he walks on. So he shoves his alleged "prowess" in other people's faces and forces them to respond accordingly.

I have to admit I was proud of myself; I'd finally found a hole in one of his arguments, and I figured it out in time to point it out to him. So I asked him if his greatness really _was _self-evident, if he had to say it all the time. He didn't have an answer to that; he seemed startled and asked me what I was implying. And I simply replied, "You're all talk, Atobe Keigo."

I have never felt more proud of myself. The feeling was similar to winning a difficult tennis match. I'd even say it was better, because I felt like I'd finally beaten Atobe at his own game: arguing. Unlike tennis, that's not something I'm necessarily good at. Atobe, on the other hand, is a quick thinker, has a large vocabulary, and knows how to use it. As much as I hate to admit all of those things, I have to remember that none of that is really to his credit; he was born with most of it and the rest of it is probably just a result of his upbringing. It's not like he has to work hard at it. Anyway, it felt good to finally make an observation that even he couldn't refute. And I finally felt satisfied with the conversation; I had absolutely nothing else to say to him. So, after a short pause, I said, "In any case, as much as I _enjoy _our conversations, I really should be going." And then I turned to leave.

But Atobe, being Atobe, couldn't let me leave with the last word. So he called after me, "Just like a coward to take a cheap shot and run away. Smart, quitting the one time you're ahead. I don't care." I wanted to yell at him, but I resisted. If there was any cheap shot made, it was the last thing _he_ said. I still won the argument, and I'm sure he knew it. So I acted like I didn't hear him.

Yukimura called me this evening. I told him everything that happened. He scolded me a little, saying that I'd been too hard on Atobe. Honestly, I couldn't have cared less that he thought so. In a way, it was kind of his fault for cancelling on me. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have been so annoyed when I talked to Atobe.

Besides, any amount of scolding was worth it; I won an argument with Atobe Keigo. How many people can say that?

I've decided that I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１４日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 14th**

Well, I arrived at the city park at eleven o'clock this morning, just like Tezuka had requested of me over the phone. And as I predicted yesterday, I did get the answers that I wanted while I was there, despite the fact that it wasn't Tezuka who gave them to me.

I didn't need anyone to tell me these answers, though, not when they were staring me right in the face.

Even so, I should start at the beginning: I was already walking toward the fountain that Tezuka had picked for a meeting spot, when my cell phone started to ring. Much to my surprise, it was Tezuka calling; he said that he would have to cancel for that morning, but that we could still meet up to have dinner later. Well, I thought that was rather strange, given the fact that it was a Sunday morning (not to mention the fact that his reason for canceling was never mentioned). It was also odd that he hadn't called me sooner… Like I said, I was already at the meeting place, which meant that I had come all the way downtown for nothing.

Still, I agreed and let him off of the hook, since it was the first time that he had ever cancelled one of our outings. By the time I hung up the phone, though, I was already standing by the fountain… And suddenly, I heard the very last thing that I would have expected to hear at a random location in downtown Tokyo.

It was Sanada's voice.

Yes, Sanada Genichiroh, the very person that I had vowed only two days ago to completely erase from my working memory, was standing on the other side of the fountain and talking on his cell phone. And from the gist of what I could hear, it was obvious that the person that he was talking to was none other than Yukimura, who was apparently also canceling on Sanada at that exact same moment. Well, I'm not _stupid_… If you light a rocket right under my nose, I daresay that I'm usually alert enough to take notice of the explosion.

This was clearly a setup.

A rather chagrined smile spread across my face; it was one of those irritating moments where something is so incredibly far from being humorous that you still somehow want to laugh. And that was the moment where I finally figured it out. Yes, Yukimura had a plan in all of this… That much was perfectly clear, since two coincidences like that simply cannot happen on their own. And what made this reality even more disconcerting at the time was the fact that he had somehow gotten Tezuka involved, since my friend had clearly played a part in this particular set of circumstances.

Still, these two less important conclusions were obvious. It was the third that came as a sudden flash of inspiration to me… Yes, I was being set up with Sanada, and yes, Yukimura was banking on the assumption that I consider his boyfriend to be attractive, because otherwise his little scheme would never work. But it was the motive, which up until now had been impossible for me to decipher, that made everything finally fall into place in my mind.

Yukimura was trying to _test_ him.

Yes, Yukimura actually does want to force Sanada to interact with me. He's trying to find out what any curious boyfriend would want to know: if Sanada spent time with someone who was attracted to him, would he stay faithful to his boyfriend, or would he cheat? It's not exactly a new method, either… There are volumes of literature that involve similar plot twists. (And that's not even mentioning daytime television.)

So that was it. I was a part of a cute little _game_, all because I happen to have had limited contact with Sanada in the past and found him somewhat attractive (and happen to be attractive myself; it goes without saying that this detail is a key part of the equation). Of course, I had to wonder if Yukimura realized what a dangerous little game he was playing… After all, what was he going to do if I stole his precious boyfriend away from him?

Honestly, I have to admit that I was suddenly very amused by the whole thing. It was just so incredibly _quaint_, that I could have become involved in such an absurd scheme. And so I decided to change my strategy; I wasn't going to ignore this situation any longer. Instead, I made a completely different choice…

Why not play along? After all, Yukimura should know exactly whom he's dealing with, before he finds himself in over his head. If nothing else, I could always drop Sanada a hint about what was going on, and end this ridiculous charade before things got out of hand.

Well, I made my decision in the space of about three seconds, and before Sanada could even hang up his phone, I had crossed over to the other side of the fountain and was standing right next to him. He didn't even notice, at least not until I gave him my usual greeting: "Fancy seeing _you_ here."

Naturally, he was startled, and proceeded to give me his usual reply: "What are you doing here?" But I was amused enough not to strangle him, despite my previous vow regarding that response. And then I figured that I should drop a hint about the situation, after all… To be honest, I couldn't help feeling rather sorry for him. It must be difficult, being so utterly oblivious.

So I attempted to alert him to the setup: "Such a _strange_ coincidence, don't you think?"

Well, so much for that. Not only did he not take the hint about the schemes of his conniving boyfriend (because he thinks Yukimura is a perfect _angel_, I'm sure), but he then proceeded to insult me: "Yes. An unfortunate one."

Of course, I was offended, especially given the fact that I had only been trying to help him. Still, I did attempt to hide my frustration… I just laughed and voiced my assumption that his boyfriend must have stood him up. (Which he obviously had, even apart from the fact that I overheard their conversation. I mean, _honestly_… Sanada was standing by himself in a park looking forlornly at his cell phone. He should expect a person to make that kind of prediction, if he's going to stand there with such a sad-puppy-dog look on his face.)

But then, that clueless _idiot_ proceeded to not only cross the line of decency and good manners, but to also enter the surrounding area and obliterate it with a nuclear device, to extend the useless metaphor.

So, what exactly did that conceited jerk say to me?

"At least I _have_ a boyfriend."

Normally, I would grant him the benefit of a doubt. After all, there's no way that he could know that this was the one thing that I have been feeling depressed about for months. There's absolutely no way that he would know how lonely I've been, or that a boyfriend happens to be the one thing at the top of my wish list, the thing so valuable that even I can't afford it. But for him to stand there and say that to me, when I had only been trying to drop a hint so that he could keep his oh-so-wonderful Yukimura, when he has not the slightest idea of how ridiculously lucky he is to have someone in the first place, when they are the epitome of the picture-perfect couple that only exists for me in my dreams…

I actually dropped my guard. That was how upset I was about it. I don't even know exactly what I sputtered out in reply… All I know is that he didn't take it back, but proceeded to confirm what he had just said, in that same proud tone of voice that he always uses.

Well, I was _furious_. There's no other word for it, but I couldn't afford to show such weakness in front of him… It would have been humiliating to let him see how much he had offended me. So I collected myself and retorted that it was cute that he thought I had some reason to be jealous of him.

Of course, he tried to continue with the verbal sparring… I don't know what it's going to take to teach him that he simply cannot win an argument against me. But I was incredibly annoyed by that point, so I proceeded to brace myself for his best efforts. (It wasn't exactly a challenge.) He said something about how it was funny, in that case, that I was jealous without any cause. But since there was absolutely no proof that I had been jealous in the first place, I demanded to know where he had even gotten that impression. He then asked me what my problem was. (He's just so _articulate_, isn't he?)

Well, he should know better than to set himself up like that when I'm angry, no matter how much of a rookie he is in the whole "talking" department. In any case, I believe that I launched into one of my better tirades about him at that point… Something along the lines of: "My problem is that I'm wasting my valuable time conversing with an arrogant moron who is under the delusion that he knows everything, when in fact he knows nothing at all."

Unfortunately, though, I had given him enough time to find the one possible flaw in my rant, and he proceeded to try to point it out: "_I'm_ arrogant?" Of course, I could already see what he was getting at, so I interrupted him before he could take the thought any further. (Yes, I was being overly aggressive, but like I said, I was extremely angry.)

So I pointed out something that I've always thought to be true about him, but that I had never had the chance to express until now. After all, everyone accuses me of being arrogant, because I'm also flashy and don't bother to hide my narcissistic tendencies. But the truth is that Sanada is probably just as arrogant as I am. His only advantage over me is that he's too stuck up to say much of anything, so nobody can prove it. But that doesn't make him any less conceited than me. And he is certainly very confident in his own abilities, so much so that it crosses the line of acceptable pride.

I explained this to him, as briefly as I could, in the hope that he might possibly manage to keep up with me. He then tried to claim that it was better to try to conceal your arrogance than to "shout it to the world" (obviously directed at me, since like I said, I don't hide my confidence in myself). So I responded with the words that I always use, when people who don't really know me try to accuse me of overconfidence: "I see nothing wrong with proclaiming one's own greatness, if it is self-evident."

The strange thing was that his reply actually did surprise me, at least a little. He asked me if it was so self-evident if I had to say it all the time. I was somewhat taken aback; I asked what he was implying, and he proceeded to accuse me of being "all talk."

I have to admit, I was speechless. The only problem with his statement was that it was a perfectly logical assertion. For once in his life, Sanada Genichiroh had actually managed to make a perfectly valid point in an argument against me… Even if his conclusion was incorrect (I am obviously _not_ "all talk"), it was still a well-reasoned argument. If I really do think so highly of myself, I should probably act like it goes without saying, rather than waste my breath announcing how wonderful I am. And the worst part was that I couldn't come up with an immediate retort for his comment, so I'm sure that he must have assumed that he had won the debate. Of course, that is utterly ridiculous. But he was clearly under that impression, and I must say that it was humiliating.

And then, as though that single remark actually was an acceptable closing argument, he made some kind of sarcastic remark about "enjoying our conversations" and started to leave.

Well, I can't say I was amused. After all, I'm fully aware that I come across as a self-absorbed diva in public, even if I can be rather different in private, when I'm with people that I trust. But for him to accuse me of being "all talk," when I believe I've more than earned my reputation as a confident, gifted individual and should be allowed to speak of myself as such? That man is apparently blind to anything except his own boring existence.

And I finally did think of something to say, no matter how predictable it may have been. So I calmly proceeded to call out after him and tell him that he was a coward, for taking such a cheap shot and then running away. (That's just so typical of people who know they're on the losing side in a debate.) And I also mentioned that it was smart of him, to quit the one time that he was ahead, and added that I certainly didn't care. It wasn't like he had actually won the argument, no matter what he thought.

And at the time, I did manage to convince myself that I really _didn't_ care… I tried to help that idiot, after all, and it got me absolutely nowhere. Instead, that jerk actually managed to insult me, and in multiple ways, too. Well, if that's how he's going to be, then I definitely will play along with his boyfriend's twisted little scheme. He'll just have to deal with being caught in the middle of this chaos. It's not like it's my problem.

Of course, I say that, but I have to wonder if the only one who's really putting himself at risk is me. After all, if he's going to say such horribly rude things every single time that I am forced into contact with him, it might be better just to get out of this while I still can. And even though I'm sure that he didn't even notice it, he really did hurt me today, with his cheap shot about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I can't believe that Sanada would actually say something like that, even if he is a clueless moron. Obviously, it was a terrible insult, no matter how heartless he may think I am. It's not like I'm somehow above getting hurt, just because I happen to be a particularly blessed individual.

Doesn't he think that I have any feelings at all? If I admitted that I _was_ jealous of him, would he suddenly realize that I am just as capable of being lonely as anyone else? No, he'd probably just see it as another opportunity to insult me.

If that's the case, you couldn't pay me to go out with Sanada Genichiroh. Hopefully, this sick little game will come to an end quickly, and the result will be what Yukimura was hoping for. Then maybe they'll both leave me alone, and they can be together forever in their perfect little fairy-tale relationship, which works out just fine for me.

Frankly, they _deserve_ each other.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾


	5. Unexpected

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing. We write slash. We drink Mountain Dew. You've been warned.

**Authors' Note:** Sorry this chapter is a little late, everyone! We hope you enjoy it. As always, reviewers will be showered with love and roses. And the next chapter will be up asap.

FallingSilver: Also, for all of you who read my fanfics, note that there is a special little preview of my upcoming fic in the entry for Wednesda--

ToastedMarshmallow: -whacks sister with tennis racquet- Shut up! You already get too many reviews!

FS: But I just wanted to let them know... -whines- (And yes, I'm the OLDER sister, even though I get all the abuse...)

TM: If you try to plug yourself, I will UNPLUG you. Heh heh. (No one cares. I'm taller.)

FS: Screw you. I'm the one carrying this thing.

TM: ... (getting angry)

FS: Seriously, YOU try writing for a talkative egomaniac. You'd probably get writer's block. And hand cramps. And all other sorts of hideousness.

TM: -puts on a black cap and yells- SHUT UP!

FS: Well, that was a fine display of eloquent vocabulary, you imbecile. -flips hair and poses with a rose-

TM: ... We really need to stop writing this stupid thing. It's doing strange things to us...

FS: No kidding. Well, anyhoo... We should probably let the readers do their thing now.

Both: Enjoy!

* * *

**１月１５日月曜日**

**Monday, January 15**

I talked to Renji today. That's always interesting.

At the beginning of lunch hour, he commented that I seemed to be in a good mood. I was; yesterday's small victory against Atobe was still fresh in my memory. So I told him about all of that. When I said that I'd won the argument, he actually seemed surprised. (Seeing Renji surprised is a rare occurrence.) So I explained everything that had happened, and at the end he just said, "Oh." He must have come up with some plausible explanation for why I succeeded from the information that I'd given him. I tried to ask him for the reason, because it suddenly occurred to me that Renji might have discovered some unfair advantage that gave me the upper hand. And I certainly wouldn't be able to take so much pride in my accomplishment if that were the case. But Renji just smiled, patted me on the back (in that annoyingly condescending manner of his), and said, "It's nothing. Congratulations, Genichiroh. You won, fair and square."

I then proceeded to rant about Atobe for basically the rest of lunch hour. (Again, I really need to stop that.) I was so busy talking about him that I forgot to ask Renji if there was anything bothering Yukimura lately. I wouldn't have been able to ask him right then anyway; Yukimura sits with us for lunch. I had been planning on asking him quietly _after_ lunch, but I didn't think of it until later, during class. It bothered me for the rest of the day, since I wasn't sure if Renji would be free after school.

Luckily for me, he was, and I convinced him to come to the gym with me. He's always helpful to have around while I exercise. Not only is he a good spotter, but he always knows what I should do and I how much I should do it to train most efficiently.

He guessed almost immediately that I wanted to talk to him about something. I told him that I was a little worried because I've had such a hard time understanding Yukimura lately. I gave him a few examples, and he listened very carefully. (Or, at least, I think he was listening; he looked very concentrated. He was either listening or already trying to form an answer in his head.) After I finished, he sighed and let a few moments pass before he replied.

He started by asking, "If you had to guess, what would you say might be bothering Yukimura?" I inwardly rolled my eyes at this. Renji has this habit of not telling me anything directly, but instead trying to get me to think through it and figure it out on my own. Either he's just being condescending (as usual), or it's his way of compensating for the fact that he knows a lot of information that he really shouldn't be telling people. Either way, it's annoying. Doesn't he know that I wouldn't be asking him if I was able to figure it out myself?

I told him that I had no idea. He then proceeded to ask me a series of questions that he thought would help. "Has he been anxious lately?" "What does he like to do on your dates?" "Have you noticed any pattern to his bad moods?" I didn't have a very good answer for any of his questions. I finally just asked him, "Can't you tell me, or do you really have no idea?"

He sighed again and sat down beside me (which, frankly, made me kind of nervous). Then he admitted that he knew, but he really didn't think he should be telling me. He said that if I couldn't figure it out on my own, it would probably just be better to wait, because I would find out "soon enough." He implied that it would be better if I heard it then, presumably from Yukimura.

Honestly, it scared me. Renji was making it sound like it was something pretty important. I have to admit that I started to panic a little. But then he put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Genichiroh, don't worry. I promise, you'll be thankful that he waited to tell you."

This sounds like an odd thing to say about Renji, but I think he's really grown up in the past year or so. I know I can't really be the one to say that, since I still feel somehow younger than him (even though I'm older, technically). But he never used to say things like that. He used to be a lot more… insensitive, I guess. He would spout out the same predictions and give the same advice, but now he's more careful about what he says, and he takes the time to tell people what they really need to hear. And he never has to lie to do that, either, which must be very hard. I really admire him for that. It's nice to have someone like that for your best friend.

I was still a little nervous, though, so I asked him if the secret was good or bad. He replied, "Not bad, if you wait." I've spent the past four hours trying to figure out what he meant by that. I've decided that it's better not to give myself a headache pondering it, so I'm not going to worry about it. I guess I'll just have to trust Renji.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１５日月曜日**

**Monday, January 15th**

I was so angry yesterday, once I started to write about my irritating encounter with Sanada in the park, that I completely forgot to mention the fact that I also went out to dinner with Tezuka that same evening. We didn't really have much to talk about, since we had already seen each other last week… And despite the fact that Tezuka did ask me how my morning went, I decided that I wasn't going to demand an explanation from him about the way he cancelled our meeting. After all, it was already obvious that he was in on Yukimura's little scheme; if he had actually been planning to tell me about it, he would have done it on his own.

No, I'm going to be a perfectly good victim, and pretend that I have absolutely no idea what's going on. It does make me wonder, though… Tezuka doesn't seem like the type of person who would get himself involved in someone else's business (much less their diabolical plot). So why would he play along with Yukimura's rather transparent attempt at a setup? It's certainly bizarre, if nothing else. And it does make me wonder if I can really trust him, since I obviously can't trust Yukimura. Tezuka is such an important person in my life; I would be truly disappointed if he had no qualms about turning against me, whether there was a good reason for it or not.

In any case, I played along with him and launched into an explanation of what had happened to me at the park (since that was obviously what he wanted to know). And just like when I wrote about it later, it made me furious all over again, simply talking about what a clueless jerk Sanada had been during our discussion. Tezuka seemed rather troubled by it, too, as though it mattered what I thought about that moron. He asked several times if I was hurt by what Sanada had said… Well, of course I denied it. I wasn't going to admit something like that out loud. But I knew that Tezuka could tell that I was lying. Somehow, he can always see right through me when I'm pretending.

And then he said something to me, while I was still complaining about how rude Sanada can be: "You can't expect him to be considerate of your feelings if you never show him that it bothers you."

I have to admit, that made me pause. After all, I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I usually choose to hide my feelings around other people. It's not like I want to act like a fake, but I do put up something of a front, just to try to keep myself from revealing too much… When I was younger, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, just like everyone else does at that age. But eventually, you have to learn to hide the things that bother you, at least a little bit. If you didn't learn to hide it, everyone would know exactly how to hurt you – and in my experience, plenty of people out there will hurt you, if you give them the chance.

Needless to say, I don't intend to give someone like Sanada Genichiroh even the slightest opportunity to hurt me. He has abused my trust enough.

Still, Tezuka does have a point. If I'm always hiding how I really feel around him, I can't expect Sanada to realize that he has the ability to hurt me. He probably thinks that I couldn't care less what he says about me. And the truth is that he's right; I shouldn't care what he says about me at all. But somehow… Somehow, I do care about what he says. When he insults me, it makes me angrier than I've ever felt. When he gives me just one clumsy compliment, I think about it for days. It's absolutely _ridiculous_. Someone like Sanada Genichiroh isn't worth even a minute of my time. And yet I still spend hours sitting here and writing about him.

This really needs to stop.

Well, it's not like I'm completely limited to the role of the victim in this sick little game… There are ways that I can take matters into my own hands, without giving away the fact that I already know what Yukimura is trying to do by setting me up with Sanada. And the more I think about it, the more I want to give that devious individual a taste of his own medicine. I could always drop him a little hint that I am choosing to play along with his scheme, some sort of warning that he really doesn't have the slightest idea whom he's dealing with…

This gives me an absolutely _perfect_ idea, one that is just so amusing that it puts a smile on my face as I'm writing this.

In that case, I'll be paying a visit to a certain someone tomorrow, and then we'll see if Yukimura still wants me to participate in his twisted plot.

I would take the time to write about my day at school today, but to be perfectly honest, it was even more boring than all the dull days of last week put together. And besides, I am really too proud of my sudden flash of inspiration to do anything except chuckle in anticipation and go spend some time working out the details before I go to bed.

It really is a remarkably brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１６日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 16**

Today was so confusing that I don't even know where to start, except from the beginning.

It's mostly one event that's the cause of my confusion. I was sitting in class, and about fifteen minutes before the beginning of lunch hour, the office paged me over the intercom, saying that I was being signed out for lunch. For a second, I almost thought I'd heard wrong; I wasn't expecting anybody and I couldn't think of _anyone _who would take me out to lunch. Yukimura leaned over with a perplexed look on his face and asked, "Were you expecting someone?" I quickly told him no, and then I glanced at Renji before I left, hoping that he might have some idea. He looked just as confused as Yukimura.

When I got to the office, you'll never guess who was there. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic at this point; this is getting ridiculous.) There was Atobe, leaning over the desk and flirting with the secretary, who was giggling like a schoolgirl. He really is shameless.

When he turned to greet me, I demanded to know why he was there. He just smiled and said, "Didn't they tell you? I'm signing you out." I really wish he wouldn't treat me like I'm stupid. I asked him again _why _he was signing me out. He replied that he was taking me out to lunch—again, completely unhelpful.

At this point I was basically at his mercy. As we walked out to his limousine, I kept my mouth shut and tried to answer for myself why he might have decided to kidnap me. I couldn't come up with anything reasonable, so I asked him why again. And he said something like, "It's the least I can do, after what happened on Sunday." That answer made no sense to me, so I asked him what he meant. He said he felt awful, and wanted to make a "formal apology."

What the hell.

Since when does someone as proud as Atobe admit that he was wrong? He seems to think he's always right, and his attitude is so entitled and self-righteous that I can't imagine him ever saying he's sorry. What made it even stranger was that I couldn't remember anything he'd said that was particularly horrible. All I could remember was what I said. Wasn't he still angry about all of that? And isn't apologizing kind of pointless if the person you're apologizing to doesn't even remember what you did?

I started to say, "It's not like you to say you're sorry…" Then he cut me off by saying, "You act like you know me."

I really didn't have anything to say to that. It certainly forced me to stop and think for a second: do I really know him at all? I guess I don't. I haven't spent that much time with him, and the few times I _have _talked with him, I've usually been pretty distracted. Not to mention the fact that Atobe just seems like a difficult person to figure out.

I thought about it the whole time we were driving. He took me to some fancy restaurant about fifteen minutes from my school that I didn't even know existed. He filled the entire conversation with small talk that's really too useless to even repeat. I responded to all of his questions as politely as I could, but inside I was so frustrated that all I wanted to do was slam my hands on the table and tell him to shut up. I felt so helpless. He'd caught me completely off-guard, and he was acting so over-the-top friendly that I simply didn't know what to say.

I've come to a disturbing conclusion: I'd rather Atobe be yelling at me than making pointless small talk like he was today. I don't know what it was, but I found it incredibly frustrating. It was all I could do to keep myself from either stabbing myself with the steak knife or crawling over the table and wringing his neck. I'm sure I hid it pretty well, but I was uncomfortable the entire time we were eating. Atobe, of course, was completely at home, being shallow and social and eating his fine prime rib perfectly with a fork. (I don't really care for Western-style restaurants; I'll trade a fork for a pair of chopsticks any day.)

Sometime during the main course, he made his little fake apology, which was something like, "I really do want to apologize for some of the things I said on Sunday. I guess you could say I was in a bad mood." I mumbled a strained acceptance, and returned his apology with a short one of my own. He laughed at me and sarcastically said that I sounded confident.

The truth was, I wasn't sorry at all. I'm still not. I wouldn't take back a single thing that I said, even my supposedly "cheap shot" about him not having a boyfriend. The expression on his face when I said that was priceless; remembering it still gives me such a wonderful feeling that I find it hard not to smile, even though I'm normally so good at keeping a straight face. I think Atobe deserved every bit of it. And I won that argument, fair and square.

My reluctance must have been showing on my face, because he asked me if something was wrong. I lied and said no. He took that as an invitation to continue his irritating small talk. I had to sit there and endure it for the rest of the hour.

When he took me back to school, I tried to be polite and thanked him for lunch. He responded in a sickeningly sweet voice, "You're welcome. I had a _lovely _time. Enjoy your day." I could seriously feel my skin crawling. Then he said, "See you around," and I returned it, though honestly, I'd be ecstatic if I never see him again. Unfortunately, at this point that's looking very unlikely.

I had to explain all of this to Yukimura before I left school today. He seemed to want to know everything, but I didn't really feel like talking about it. I was still trying to figure out why the hell Atobe was acting so annoyingly full of sweetness-and-light.

My kendo lesson today was mildly embarrassing. The events of the afternoon were so disturbing to me that I found it almost impossible to concentrate. Grandfather noticed this, and stopped the lesson. Instead of practicing, he decided that we should meditate together. That, of course, was even harder. After about ten minutes of trying to focus, I finally admitted that I was having trouble clearing my mind. He nodded calmly and told me to try something else. He suggested that I try to think of a few things that were beautiful, ponder each of them for a while, and try to relax.

I have to say, doing that really helped. It was very calming. I thought of a lot of things—cherry blossoms, snow on the ground, a starry sky, even music. I also thought about Yukimura, of course; about his smile and his laugh and that sparkle in his eyes. When Grandfather told me that we were done for the day, I felt refreshed and focused.

I'd like to retain that feeling as much as possible, so I think I'm going to end my entry here. Otherwise, I could spend pages and pages trying to figure out exactly what was with Atobe today, but I think I'll save all that for another time. I'm sure I'd just end up confused and frustrated again.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１６日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 16th**

Well, that worked like a charm, if I do say so myself. And now there is only one possible downside to my flawlessly executed idea: I have to try to write about it without collapsing into a fit of laughter, a privilege that I already granted myself on the ride home. In any case, I shall attempt to recount the events of the day without too much in the way of self-imposed interruptions. But I should start at the beginning…

I signed myself out of school during second period today, in order to give myself enough time to reach my destination. (The office never complains about my departures, no matter what the reason for them may be… My father has donated far too much money to the school for them to even consider doing otherwise.) Fortunately, I arrived right on schedule, so I headed right into the main office of Rikkaidai and begin to implement my brilliant idea from the previous night.

The first part of my plan was incredibly simple: it involved introducing myself to the secretary at the front desk and charming her into letting me sign out one of the junior high students for his upcoming lunch period. She was the perfect type for such a scheme, too; one of those overly friendly administrative assistants who apparently think that it's in their job description to giggle at absolutely everything an attractive man says. It didn't take me long to persuade her to call my victim's name over the intercom in order to sign him out… And at that point, I had to hide all my laughter in the smiles that I was sharing with the rather oblivious woman, or otherwise I think I would have broken down completely.

So I was going on and on about what a wonderful school Rikkai obviously was, and how kind it was of her to let me take my friend out to lunch, even though it was technically against school policy. And then I suddenly heard that familiar voice behind me, saying my name in a faintly bewildered tone: "Atobe."

I solemnly swear that I would pay a million yen in cash for the expression that was on Sanada Genichiroh's face in that moment, once he realized that _I_ was the one who was signing him out.

Well, of course I knew that it was a completely absurd scenario. But do you think I let on that there was anything out of the ordinary about me taking Sanada out to lunch? Guess again. Instead, I proceeded to compliment him on his promptness, and he naturally felt the need to ask me the usual question: "What are you doing here?" This time, however, I decided to treat him like the intellectually-challenged being that he is, and simply state the obvious: "Didn't they tell you? I'm signing you out. 'What for,' you ask? Well, ore-sama is taking you out to lunch. Yes, yes, I know that I'm unspeakably wonderful, but you can pay me back by kissing my feet later." (Alright, so I didn't say the last sentence out loud, but I must admit that it was tempting. The only problem was that I knew that I would have laughed and ruined my whole plan.)

Yes, I had him right where I wanted him. He was so flabbergasted by the whole situation that he surrendered without a fight and followed me without a word. And that was exactly what I wanted.

You see, I finally realized something last night… It may be true that Sanada cannot be expected to understand that he is capable of hurting my feelings. It may also be true that I often come across like a self-absorbed egomaniac who deserves verbal abuse for the way I constantly praise myself. But the solution for this problem is really quite simple. If I don't want him to insult me, I simply have to smother him with good manners and cordial behavior. No matter how fake it may be, Sanada isn't enough of a jerk to insult someone when they are giving him nothing but kindness. And there is nothing that confuses an enemy more than goodwill; it makes him so distressed and disoriented that he doesn't know what else to do except submit to it. This was one of the benefits of taking Sanada out to the fanciest restaurant in the area for lunch.

The other benefit was the fact that I knew that this was something that absolutely no one was expecting of me. After that whole argument on Sunday, the last thing that I should be doing is seeking out Sanada and trying to spend more time with him. But this arrangement spares Yukimura the pain of trying to arrange another setup by himself… Not to mention the fact that it also takes away his advantage of being the only one who knows what is going on. Yes, I am choosing to play along with his little game. And I'm doing it so well that I am actually taking the initiative to act perfectly charming around his boyfriend, since that's what he apparently wants. And while I don't think that Sanada is stupid enough to fall for something like that, it just might be enough to make Yukimura consider the possibility that I may be too much for him to handle.

Anyway, like I was saying, Sanada got into my limousine without a fight. But apparently the curiosity (or the confusion) was becoming too much for him, so he finally asked why I was taking him out to lunch. I had anticipated this question, of course, and had prepared a perfectly nonsensical response: "It's the least I can do, after what happened this weekend."

Predictably, he was confused by this reply, and he immediately proceeded to demand clarification on what I "meant by that." So I explained that I felt simply _awful_ about what had happened on Sunday, and that I wanted to give him a formal apology. He tried to point out that it "isn't like you to say you're sorry," but I just cut him off by saying that he doesn't know anything about me.

Of course, I knew exactly what was confusing him. After all, why would I go out of my way to apologize for the argument on Sunday, when he had clearly offended me much more deeply than I had offended him? And he was right in assuming that it isn't like me to apologize for just _anything_… My pride is too strong for me to do that, unless I truly believe that I am the one in the wrong. But he doesn't actually know this for a fact, and my only goal was to confuse him as much as possible. I must say, confusion is the perfect way to torture your enemies if you want to remain entirely free from blame.

By the time that we got to the restaurant, I'm sure that Sanada must have been straining himself, just to keep from completely losing it in front of me. (You couldn't tell by looking at him, but he was even quieter than he usually is, so I have to assume that he was getting frustrated.) I have to admit, I was pretty amused; the whole situation was working out exactly like I had intended. So I sat down at our reserved table, right across from him, and proceeded to treat him exactly the same way that my family always treats my father's business clients… Plenty of smiles and laughter, the most polite small talk that I could think of, and boundless generosity when it comes to picking up the tab. Needless to say, I was perfectly comfortable with the situation; Sanada, on the other hand, didn't seem the least bit comfortable.

I loved every minute of it.

I did offer him the promised apology while we were still eating… I repeated that I felt simply awful for some of the things that I said to him on Sunday. I also mentioned that I had been in a bad mood that morning, in the obvious hope that this would persuade him to overlook my rude behavior. (Of course, I didn't mean a word of it.) By this point, though, the poor man was so sick of enduring my ingenious torture method, that it was all he could do to mumble out some sort of insincere apology of his own. Like any gracious host, I just laughed lightly and said that he sounded confident, a typical tongue-in-cheek method for questioning a person's sincerity.

But Sanada just sighed, so I proceeded to take my fake benevolence to the next level, and all but sang out, "Is something wrong?" And the only thing he could do was lie about how nothing was wrong, because naturally he wasn't going to let himself crack in front of me. (That poor, pathetic man… I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.) So I then proceeded to take a painfully long time in ordering something for dessert, all the while continuing to talk about absolutely nothing, and secretly wondering if Sanada would ever give in to the frustration he was obviously feeling and just start screaming at me. Well, he endured it for the entire course of the meal, and I have to admit I was impressed. I wouldn't be surprised if the strain winds up giving him a few nasty ulcers, though.

During the whole ride back to Rikkai, he didn't even say two words to me. But I can't say that I blame him, and besides, I was managing to carry on the whole conversation just fine by myself. (That, of course, is one of my more obvious talents.) And then, just to compound my amusement, he attempted to thank me for lunch as he got out of my limousine, however grudgingly. Well, I obviously wasn't going to be outdone in courtesy, so I gave him my best "Daddy-hopes-you'll-do-business-with-us" smile, and then I said something to the effect of, "Oh, you're welcome. I had a lovely time. Enjoy the rest of your day."

I think Sanada looked like he was going to be sick.

Well, I already said that I laughed my head off in the limousine, all the way home to my house. (I didn't even bother with going back to school… I might have made it in time for the last bell, but that would have been incredibly pointless. And besides, I had no immediate reason to be there.) I must confess that it felt absolutely wonderful. Even if Sanada never realizes that the joke was entirely on him today, I will always have the satisfaction of having caused that horribly uncomfortable expression on that idiot's face. It serves him right, for being such a thoughtless fool and taking cheap shots in an argument, simply because he happens to have an unfair advantage. And I hope that Yukimura is absolutely horrified when he hears about this; it would serve him right as well.

There's just one little thing about this that bothers me… I would have to guess that Yukimura will assume that I was trying to flirt with Sanada by taking him out to lunch and being nice to him. Of course, that couldn't be further from the truth, and the mere idea of flirting with such an ignorant moron is appalling. But there's nothing that I can do about that; it would ruin my plan completely if I tried to explain myself to anyone who might be involved in Yukimura's twisted plot. And like I said before, there is always the possibility that he'll feel threatened by my charming demeanor (who wouldn't?) and leave me out of his scheme from now on.

Well, I'm not going to let that tiny detail trouble me… I'm just going to think of that uncomfortable expression on his boyfriend's normally stoic face, and savor it for everything that it's worth.

And I have to admit, its worth is absolutely priceless.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１７日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 17**

Today was boring. School was as usual, I helped with tennis practice, I exercised and studied, and that was the extent of my day. But it was nice, because it gave me time to think. And now I can say something that perhaps no one else in the world can say.

I have Atobe Keigo all figured out.

He's so simple that I'm kind of surprised I didn't realize it all sooner. I was thinking about how he was acting yesterday—so polite and charming and obviously fake—and it dawned on me that he treats most people that way, all the time. It's that arrogant but generous attitude that he used constantly in front of his fanclub members and the rest of his tennis club. It's the sort of attitude that made me feel like he was _condescending_ to apologize to me yesterday.

It's all an act.

The whole time he was talking to me yesterday, every corner of my mind was screaming, "Fake!" There's nothing about Atobe Keigo that's genuine; he's all about keeping up appearances. He doesn't show anyone his true self. That's why I feel like I know nothing about him. Because all I ever get to see is that fake front he puts up.

Now this realization led me to another question: why does he do that? And to answer that, I had to figure out what kind of person Atobe actually is. Because he's obviously hiding _something. _So then I wondered if maybe I had seen his true colors after all.

Think about it: people are usually more inclined to reveal their true personalities when they're either scared, threatened, or frustrated. I can't say that I've ever seen Atobe scared, but I do think he feels threatened by me, and I can definitely tell that he's frustrated when he talks to me. So I have reason to believe that I've caught a few glimpses of what he's really like. The _real _Atobe must be that nasty little person who always has to get in the last word, who always argues and insults people and tries to make them feel like they're two inches tall. It even explains his true motivation for taking me out to lunch yesterday: he just wanted to watch me squirm.

It explains everything, really. The reason he puts up a front, then, is because no one would like him if they knew what kind of person he really was. But of course he wants everyone to adore him, so he acts perfectly cordial and generous. It's sickening.

Naturally, I didn't fall for it. He must think that people are idiots. He must think _I'm _an idiot, if he expected me to think that he was actually apologizing to me yesterday. But I could tell that he was just pretending. And when he realized that I had seen through his act, it only served to amuse him more. (He might have even predicted that it would happen.) He then proceeded to torture me for the rest of lunch.

As refreshing as it is to finally understand all of this, I'm not satisfied. I still feel like I've only seen a tiny piece of the puzzle that is Atobe Keigo. As I said, I've only had a few glimpses of his real personality. What I suddenly want is to see it all. It would be so satisfying to see the horrible person that he is completely exposed in front of me, just once. I'd like to prove once and for all that he's hiding something that anyone would be ashamed of. I don't think I'd ever get the chance to show the world (which would be even more rewarding), but I'll be happy if I can just prove it to myself.

I'm going to make that my new goal. I'll find some way to catch him completely off-guard, and then force him to show me his true self.

That would be so incredibly satisfying that I can almost taste it now.

My next problem is finding a way to do it. But it's late, and I suppose I should save that for another time.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１７日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 17th**

Today was a little too quiet, especially when I compare it to the beginning of the week. Still, I can't say that I missed all of the insults and the intrigue that have filled the past few days. Actually, it was quite refreshing to go through a normal day of school and not have to worry about plotting and scheming, whether on my part or someone else's. Still, that does mean that I don't really have anything to write about today.

I did have a rather amusing conversation with Jiroh during lunch, though. Like always, the whole team was having lunch and talking together in the music room, or at least that was how it started. But toward the end of lunch period, most of the others were occupying themselves in other ways… Ootori was practicing on the piano again, and Shishido was sitting right next to him on the bench. (Subtle, they aren't.) And Oshitari was helping Gakuto with his math homework by writing out formulas on the board, as well as arguing with him the whole time about a particular answer that Gakuto remained convinced was incorrect. I don't remember what Hiyoshi and Kabaji were doing, but they weren't in the room at the moment.

So Jiroh and I were sitting by ourselves, watching the other four do whatever it was they were doing and trying to keep up a conversation on our own. And suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere (which is so characteristic of Jiroh), he just blurted out, "You know what you and I need, Atobe?"

Well, of course I humored him and asked what it was that we needed. So he immediately smiled, rather too happily given the subject matter, and declared, "You and I need a _boyfriend_!"

Of course, at the time I had to laugh. Jiroh isn't like Sanada; he can say the most indelicate and even inappropriate things, and it can't possibly bother me. It's that way that he smiles when he says it; you know he doesn't mean anything by it, and anyway, it would be as impossible to be angry with that smile as it would to be furious with sunshine.

So I teased him by making some comment about how it would be rather difficult to have to _share_ a boyfriend, given the lack of plurals in his original sentence. He laughed a little, but the strange thing was that he actually stayed on the topic, and rather seriously, too, at least for Jiroh. He mentioned that it was the way that our doubles pairs act together that made him think of it. (That's often the same reason that I start to think about it. I'm not sure how it's possible _not_ to think of it, when they're a constant reminder of that kind of relationship.)

And then he said something a little surprising, at least to me. He mentioned that he thought it was odd that I, of all people, had never had a relationship like that. I asked him what he meant, and he said something like, "Well, come on, Atobe. Who _wouldn't_ want you?"

I have to admit, there was a small part of me that was strongly tempted to just reach over and hug him, right then and there. Obviously, I didn't do that, but it really is strange… Somehow, Jiroh always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, even when he has no idea that I'm in a bad mood in the first place. I just laughed a little, and said that it was no more surprising than the fact that someone as cute as Jiroh didn't have anyone. And he smiled again, which made me glad that I had said it. But then he said something that I didn't expect…

"Well, after that whole thing with Marui-kun, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I don't really know a thing about love, I guess."

Of course, I knew exactly what he meant… He was talking about how aggressively he had started pursuing his longtime crush during the fall, which didn't exactly end the way that he had hoped. And then I suddenly realized something.

Jiroh and I have a lot in common.

After all, we've both had the same type of obsessive infatuation, for two people who ultimately weren't interested in us. And neither of us has ever had an actual relationship, so we've never been fortunate enough to find out what real love is like. Obviously, you need to like someone to want to be with them, but simply liking someone isn't love. We've never been able to find out what the difference is, even though we can see the difference in the people around us. Ultimately, we've never had the privilege of getting to fall in love, even though we're open to the possibility…

Maybe that's why we've spent a few thoughtless nights together.

It was never planned, of course… We've never even talked seriously about those times, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it was because we both have the same secret loneliness that we used to cross the line of friendship every now and then. But it is enough to say that I know that neither of us ever seriously considered being in an official relationship with each other. Unfortunately, in the end, we're just not attracted to each other, at least not as strongly as we have been to other people. And I think that's why Jiroh said what he did today… Because he knows that I can understand how he feels, and because he wanted to tell me that he knows how I feel.

Well, the next time that I am tempted to think that I don't have any true friends, I am going to think of that bright smile on Jiroh's face, and that will help me remember that it isn't true. And even if I never do get the privilege of falling in love, I am fortunate enough to know that I'm never alone, if I still have people in my life that I can truly call my friends. Honestly, that is more than most of my relatives can say.

… And the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that the entire team of Rikkai regulars is full of nothing but self-absorbed idiots. You would think there would be at least one of them who would be smart enough to know a good catch when they saw one, but apparently that isn't the case. I suppose the lesson is that you should never lose your heart to someone who wears such an hideous shade of yellow. Well, I'll just have to learn from Jiroh's mistake and avoid it entirely.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月１８日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 18**

It's been a long day. An interesting day, though somewhat disappointing.

It started out like normal; school was pretty boring, and nothing happened that was out of the ordinary until the final bell rang. I packed up my things and waited quietly by Yukimura's desk to say, "See you tomorrow." He seemed to be looking for something in his book bag, and he suddenly said, "Oh." Then he sighed and put one hand to his head like he was trying to figure out what to do.

I asked him what was wrong, and he pulled out a stuffed manila envelope from his bag. He said he needed to deliver it, but he'd forgotten about it and promised to be at home at a certain time. Always trying to be a good boyfriend, I naturally offered to deliver the package for him. I figured it would involve going to the post office or something; a little inconvenient, but nothing I couldn't handle. Besides, the way his face lit up with relief had to be worth whatever trouble I'd have to go to, right?

I was wrong.

He handed the package to me and said, "Thank you, Sanada; that would be perfect. I need this delivered to Atobe's house tonight. I'm sure he won't mind that it's you, since you're on such good terms with him." I was shocked, and I sputtered out an attempt to ask him what he meant by that. He sort of cocked his head innocently and said, "Well, he took you out to lunch yesterday, didn't he?" I was still too stunned to reply, so he just thanked me again and kissed me goodbye.

It's a long way from Kanagawa to Tokyo. Needless to say, I had plenty of time on the train to think. Half of the trip was spent wondering how I ended up having to do this in the first place. Eventually I gave up on that question, in the hopes that Yukimura would remember that I'd done him a huge favor. So then I started thinking about how I should handle the situation.

That's when it occurred to me: showing up at Atobe's house unexpectedly would definitely catch him off-guard. Maybe it would be the perfect chance to throw him off, and see completely through his act. In retrospect, I should have come up with some sort of plan. I guess I just assumed that, now that I had him figured out, I would know exactly what to do when I got there.

When I did get there, I was a bit overwhelmed. Atobe's house is _huge. _I know it seems obvious, but when you actually see his house, you really can't help saying it. I had to give my name and "state my purpose" at the gate. Then I had to walk across the rather elongated driveway to the door. A butler let me into the front hall (excuse me, the _proper_ word is probably "doorman"), and I had to wait there for a few minutes while they went to get "Master Keigo." All of it was just so overdone that I would have gagged if I hadn't been so disoriented by it.

When Atobe finally came, he was wearing a bathrobe over what must have been his pajamas, which surprised me. It was late, but it wasn't _that _late, so I'd expected to see him dressed in normal clothes. And he seemed really shocked to see me (I guess I don't blame him.) He asked me what I was doing there, and I gave him Yukimura's package.

Then there was an awkward pause. I was sort of waiting for him to open the package, but for some reason it seemed like he didn't want to open it. It made me wonder if he knew what was in it. And if so, was there some reason I wasn't supposed to see it? But then, how come it seemed like he hadn't been expecting it? Maybe he just doesn't like opening mail in front of people.

He invited me in and said he was going to put the package in his room. So I followed him to his front parlor (yes, the man has his own _parlor_, and yes, that is what he called it), and I waited there for him while he went into his room.

Now, there was something that struck me as very strange about Atobe's part of the house. His front parlor is decorated in dark, rich colors, mostly black and gold. But when he went into his room, I caught a glimpse of the inside, and it looked completely different. Everything in there looked silvery and blue, with maybe some lighter shades of purple. I normally don't pay attention to the way people decorate their houses, but the contrast of the two rooms was _so _different that I couldn't help noticing. And I found it very strange that someone as style-concious as Atobe would have such a mismatch between two adjacent rooms.

The only reason I went beyond just noticing it to pondering it was because he kept me waiting so long. When he finally came out, he was fully dressed and seemed to have gotten over the initial shock of seeing me. Though why he bothered getting dressed when I wasn't planning on staying very long, I'll never know…

Anyway, it was downhill from there. He offered me the "grand tour," and he showed me some of his house, which took the better portion of an hour. Then he insisted that we have some tea in his parlor. The hot tea was nice, since I was still a little chilly after walking all the way from the train station to his house, and I wasn't exactly looking forward to going back out into the snow. But the whole time, I was feeling incredibly frustrated, because I could tell that I was getting nowhere. There was no way I was going to catch him off-guard; he was in his own house doing what he does best: serving tea and politely chatting with one of his guests. He was using that same irritating small talk that he tortured me with when he took me out to lunch.

He even asked me how my boyfriend was, which surprised me considering the fact that the very word "boyfriend" had resulted in such a strong reaction from him on Sunday. I attempted to start an argument with him by implying that he didn't care at all how Yukimura was doing, and that he was asking just for the sake of asking. But I admit that it wasn't a very significant point, and it really had no effect on him. He just laughed it off and kept talking. It wasn't long before I excused myself.

He showed me out, and I thanked him for the tour of his house and the hot tea. He replied, "It was my pleasure." I couldn't help doubting his sincerity, but I didn't say anything about it. I just said goodnight and left, somewhat disappointed.

It's only one setback, though. I'm still determined to find out what he's hiding behind that annoying facade of his. Failure is a good thing to have once in while; we learn better from our mistakes then our successes. My mistakes in this case were simple: I didn't have a plan, and I found him in a situation that was too comfortable for him. What I need to do is figure out some way to take him out of his element. Then I need to know exactly what to say to provoke him as much as possible.

At this point, I have no clue how to do all of that.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１８日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 18th**

I never thought that I would be able to say this, but I am at a complete loss for words. Still, I suppose that I should talk about what just happened in some way or another, so I will have to compose myself and try to find enough words to write about it.

Sanada Genichiroh came to my house tonight.

It had been a perfectly boring day, as usual, and it was nearly nine o'clock in the evening. So I had already settled into my customary routine of changing into my pajamas and a bathrobe, so that I could spend a few hours relaxing in my room before going to bed. I was sitting on my bed and reading, when much to my surprise, I was paged over the intercom by the doorman, who informed me that I had a visitor.

Well, it goes without saying that I was completely at a loss as to who would be visiting me at that hour. So I hurried down into the front room, where much to my shock, I discovered that Sanada Genichiroh, of all people, was standing inside my house. I was so surprised to see him that I couldn't even begin to think of what to say, and I had to take a moment to collect my thoughts before asking him what he was doing here. (Suddenly, I realize that maybe it's not an entirely unacceptable greeting on his part, whenever I show up at a place that he doesn't expect me to be.)

Strangely enough, he said that he had a package from Yukimura to deliver, and he then handed me a manila envelope with my name written on it. This was mildly disconcerting, since I wasn't expecting any such package. But after a moment's thought, I realized that it was probably some kind of response on Yukimura's part to my antics on Tuesday. And if that was indeed the case, I had to assume that Sanada didn't even know what was inside the envelope, and that he probably wasn't supposed to know, either.

Still, he seemed to expect me to open it, and so there was this incredibly awkward pause while I tried to decide what to do. I finally told him that I was going to put the package in my room, and I invited him to come inside. I'm not even sure why I did that; I suppose that I was trying to be hospitable in the face of an extremely uncomfortable situation. After all, he had taken the time to come all the way to my house, so it would have been rude to simply tell him to leave.

In any case, he followed me up to my front parlor and sat down, while I retreated into my bedroom and set the envelope down on my desk. I'm not even sure exactly what happened at that point… But suddenly, I almost panicked. I realized that Sanada Genichiroh was sitting right outside of my bedroom, and there I was in my pajamas and a bathrobe, probably looking like a mess (or at least, more of a mess than usual). I'm not even sure why I felt so nervous; I suppose that it was just the shock of having someone like Sanada intrude into my personal life when I least expected it. After all, I normally try to relax in my own home, since I'm so busy trying to look like I have it all together the rest of the time. And here was someone who would certainly enjoy the discovery that I'm not always picture-perfect, and he was sitting right outside my bedroom waiting for me to reappear.

Well, it took me only ten seconds to decide that I needed to put on some normal clothes, if I was going to survive this predicament with style. So I went into my closet and got dressed as quickly as I could… It was more difficult than I would have expected, since I hadn't worn anything today except my school uniform. And I actually found myself wasting almost ten minutes trying to decide what I should wear, which is incredibly stupid. It's not as though someone like Sanada would even notice such a thing. But one pair of designer jeans and a cashmere sweater later, I was back in my front room and asking rather grandly if he would like a tour of the house.

I have to say, I felt much more comfortable after that. He seemed fairly in awe of my family's mansion, which is to be expected. (Well, I say "in awe," but it was more like that grumpy, sullen, I-am-so-not-impressed kind of awe, otherwise known as the "sour grapes" attitude that is so characteristic of the less fortunate.) And that helped to put me at ease; I suppose that it was a comfort to know that even Sanada Genichiroh is capable of being overwhelmed by extravagance. And after I had showed him around, I invited him to have some tea in my parlor. He agreed, which surprised me a little, and we proceeded to have some of the polite conversation that always accompanies such a setting.

It was almost bizarre, though, to be sitting in my front room having tea with Sanada. Actually, it reminded me more than once of the last guest from Rikkai that I had entertained in my parlor; it goes without saying that Sanada probably had no idea that Yukimura had been sitting in that exact same place on my sofa, sipping from a china teacup and handing me a ticket to that Latin music concert.

In any case, the conversation wasn't exactly stimulating. I asked him something along the lines of how his boring life had been for the past few days, and he basically sighed and said that I had answered my own question. I couldn't help chuckling a little; he's always so _resigned_ about everything, like life itself is just some kind of chore that he's trying to hurry up and finish. Oh, and I asked him about how his boyfriend was doing. I suppose that it was the polite thing to do, given the situation. (I must confess, I was secretly annoyed about it… I didn't want to hear about Sanada's devious boyfriend any more than I wanted to hear about _anyone's_ boyfriend, which, of course, was not at all.)

In any case, he then proceeded to demand why I was asking about it, so I told him it was just polite conversation. And then, naturally, he started questioning my sincerity and insisting that I didn't really care. Well, of course he was right; I didn't care at all. I mean, why should I? But it's out of line to question another person's sincerity in a simple conversation, and so I calmly informed him of this fact. He managed one of his half-hearted apologies, but I just laughed it off. Needless to say, I really wasn't in the mood to pick a fight with him, not after that disaster on Sunday.

Still, there was one thing about his boyfriend that I _was_ a little curious about. And so I finally asked him whether Yukimura had been comfortable with my little stunt on Tuesday. (Naturally, I didn't call it a "stunt" in front of him; I simply called it "Tuesday's arrangement." But he's so clueless that I probably could have gotten away with it.) Still, all he said was that Yukimura had seemed a little surprised by the situation. Well, I figured that there must have been more to the story, but it was obviously too much to expect the oblivious boyfriend to have anything resembling a clue about it. And so I found myself forgetting about the conversation for a moment; I just sat there and wondered whether the package sitting on my desk would have some kind of answer to my question.

Well, the next thing I knew, Sanada was saying something about how he should be heading home. So I showed him to the door, secretly glad that I would be able to go see what was in that package. Much to my surprise, though, he actually took a moment to thank me for my hospitality before he left, which I certainly hadn't been expecting. I simply said that it was my pleasure… He then apologized for leaving so abruptly, and I said that I understood completely and wished him goodnight. And he said the same thing before he left.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I found myself just standing there for a few minutes, watching him walk down my driveway and out toward the front gate. I suppose that I was rather taken aback that he had been so polite to me, after everything that had happened between us during the past few days. And suddenly, I found myself actually smiling, just a little bit, and thinking that maybe he really isn't such a rude person after all, when he chooses not to be.

Well, that part of my evening was strange enough, but it only got stranger once I was back inside my bedroom. I sat down to open up the package, but all that I could find inside was a letter, hidden between some sheets of tissue paper. And now I am completely at a loss as to what to think, about Yukimura, about Sanada, and about everything else that I thought this situation was shaping up to be.

I suppose that the best way to explain what I am feeling is to simply enclose the letter inside this journal, as a reminder of why I find myself at such a loss when I try to understand what is going on here. And so here it is:

…

_My Dear Friend,_

_Thank you so much for your kind gesture on Tuesday. I'm afraid my boyfriend did not appreciate your kindness to its full extent. I apologize for anything he might have done or said; sometimes he has no manners. I hope he did not offend you in any way, either on Tuesday or this evening. _

_I wish we could have talked when you visited my school. I'm sure you feel, as I do, that we would have much to talk about. Feel free to write back if there is anything you want to say to me. I would love to catch up with you sometime._

_I would tell you what sort of things I've been up to lately, but I get the impression that you've guessed much of it, and I wouldn't want to bore you. But there's a certain **project** that I'm undertaking… Well, I don't need to tell you about it. I'm sure you already know **everything**. _

_I just want to let you know that, while you may think that I'm in over my head, perhaps you should make sure that you aren't, before making such judgments. Besides, you'd be incorrect; I can assure you that I'm not going to fail._

_You can't hinder my intentions, Atobe. You can only help them along._

_In any case, I just wanted to let you know that. And I hope to hear from you soon. I'll definitely see you next summer, but I hope we'll meet sometime before then._

_Yours truly,_

_Yukimura Seiichi_

…

I mean, honestly, what in the hell can that possibly mean? I kidnapped his boyfriend and went out of my way to be excessively nice to him, and he's actually _happy_ about it? Of course, this could be some sort of trick, but ever since I started to read that letter, I've had this sinking feeling that there must be something about his whole scheme that I have overlooked. After all, how could he possibly say that I can't hinder his intentions, if I'm such an important part of this "project" that he's undertaking? Unless I've incorrectly assumed that I actually am a part of this little plot, I can't see any conceivable way that this statement could be true.

And it's certainly unsettling that he seems to have already guessed my intentions, as far as that impromptu lunch date on Tuesday is concerned. Not to mention the fact that he seems to be implying that _I'm_ the one who is in over my head, not him. And since it's his precious boyfriend who is on the line, whereas I truly have nothing to lose, it should go without saying that I will have to take a step back from this situation and reconsider my assumptions about it.

Well, even though I am at a loss as to what to think about this letter, I can safely assume two things. First of all, I can no longer believe that my original hypothesis about this situation is correct. If Yukimura was simply trying to test Sanada's fidelity, he wouldn't make such a reckless statement as "I can assure you that I am not going to fail." After all, if that actually was his motivation, he could certainly fail; Sanada could cheat on him and even break up with him because of such a ill-conceived plot. So I am going to have to come up with another hypothesis, as far as Yukimura's little scheme is concerned.

As for the second thing, well, I can safely assume this much…

Sanada's boyfriend is as creepy as hell.

Well, I'm starting to give myself a headache from thinking about all of this, and I really do need to go to bed now, if I don't want to look like a complete mess in the morning. But it goes without saying that I'm probably going to find it hard to go to sleep tonight, what with all of the confusion that this evening has brought me.

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾


	6. Dinner Plans

**Disclaimer: **We don't own PoT or any characters. This fic contains shounen-ai. We were high on caffiene when we wrote this.

**Authors' Notes: **Minna-san, sumimasen!!! We know this installment is very late... We'll try to catch up. As always, review and we'll love you forever (and a day).

Some Japanese terms are used in these entries. We've provided footnotes at the end.

Enjoy!

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１月１９日金曜日

**Friday, January 19**

I had dinner with Yukimura again tonight. It was nice. We talked.

I told him about what happened when I went over to Atobe's house yesterday evening. He was the one who brought it up; he said he hoped that delivering the package hadn't been too much trouble. Somehow the conversation degenerated into me ranting again about Atobe. I was trying to explain how fake he is, but I got the feeling that Yukimura didn't believe me. I don't think he understands where I'm coming from.

I got a little carried away; I started to tell him that I was going to do something about it. He didn't seem too impressed. He asked me, "What if you're wrong?" I told him that I'd find out, then. But I know I'm not wrong.

I changed the subject. It was kind of quiet after that, I guess. I don't know what Yukimura was thinking about, but I couldn't stop thinking about Atobe. I was still trying to come up with a plan. I haven't figured out anything so far.

This is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

How does one stump Atobe Keigo? If there's one talent of his that he's absolutely perfected, it's how observant he is. That's what his whole "insight" move is all about, right? If I tried anything tricky, I'm sure he'd figure out what I was doing and find a way to avoid it. Besides, he's been faking his entire life; he's got to be very good at pretending by now. I'm sure his mask is close to flawless.

The one thing I did think of was inviting him over. I thought of it because I remembered how uncomfortable and disoriented I felt at his house, and how comfortable he seemed to be. So if he came to my house, obviously I'd have the upper hand. But unfortunately, I'm not sure that it would work. The main problem is my mother. I'm sure she'd be so sweet and polite (like she always is) that Atobe would feel right at home. And then I don't think I'd get anywhere.

I think I've figured out what to say, though. Well, not exactly… But I think I have a good idea: why not just go straight to the point? If I can somehow make it clear that I've figured him out, maybe I can get him to show me what he's hiding. I'm sure no one's ever asked him about it before, and I don't think it's something he would expect me to bring up. What would he say to that?

Besides, just backing him into a corner and seeing how he reacts should tell me a lot. Most likely, he'll get really defensive, and I'm sure his guard will drop a little. He'll start yelling at me or something, which is only going to prove my point. And if I point that out, then what is he going to do?

There's one more thing I have to remember: I'll probably only get one good shot at this. If I mess it up, I'm sure he'll just start avoiding me so I won't expose him. And then if I ever do see him, he'll be keeping his guard up. That's why I want to make sure he's a little disoriented before I nail him.

I'm kind of tempted to ask Renji for advice, but something tells me that he'll be no more supportive than Yukimura was.

I'll figure it out. It will probably come to me when I'm not thinking about it so hard.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月１８日木曜日**

**Friday, January 19th**

After spending a whole day at school trying to figure out what Yukimura's letter meant, I finally decided to take my questions about it to someone who might actually have an idea as to what its purpose was. So I gave Tezuka a call during my lunch period and asked if I could come over to his house to show something to him. He sounded rather surprised… At the time, I just assumed that he didn't expect me to be this aggressive about it, since I figured that he already knew that Yukimura had sent me a letter. (Like I said before, he must be in on at least part of Yukimura's scheme, since he helped to organize that little "coincidence" in the park on Sunday.)

Well, I arrived at his house in the evening, which in and of itself is always an interesting experience. For one thing, Tezuka lives in an extremely traditional, Japanese-style house, the kind of building that makes you feel like you've stepped back in time at least a hundred years. I have to admit, I'm usually rather out of my element in houses like that; I am a native of Japan, of course, but my upbringing has always been very Westernized. Actually, there's something about that house that almost reminds me of Tezuka himself… I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's true. Everything inside the building is so still and quiet, and the house itself looks very stiff and solid, almost like it's always been there.

And then there are Tezuka's family members… I have to admit, some part of me doesn't quite know what to make of them. For one thing, Tezuka's parents are absolutely nothing like him at all. His father is just an everyday, run-of-the-mill businessman; he's actually rather friendly, and even almost clumsy in his mannerisms. As for Tezuka's mother, she seems to be a very warm, caring person, who spends a great deal of her time doting on her family… Again, nothing whatsoever like Tezuka. And then there is Tezuka's grandfather, who does somewhat resemble his grandson, but that man is the most eccentric one of the lot. He's as strict as a military school disciplinarian, and spends most of his time lecturing Tezuka's father about his shortcomings. (He would probably lecture Tezuka as well, if Tezuka was something less than general perfection.)

In any case, I greeted the rest of the family as respectfully as I could, and then Tezuka led me to his room. (Tezuka's room is _exactly_ like him… Furnished only with what is necessary, and always kept as neat as a pin.) Almost immediately, he asked me what it was that I had wanted to show him, so I removed the letter from in between the pages of my journal and handed it to him. He began to read over it, and much to my surprise, he looked genuinely confused by the time that he had finished. He asked me when I had received the letter, so I explained the whole situation to him, including the part where Sanada had actually arrived at my house to deliver it.

By that point, of course, I could tell that he didn't have any idea as to why Yukimura had written the letter. And I have to admit, that surprised me. After all, here was yet another one of my assumptions that now needed to be reexamined… Tezuka may have been a part of the "coincidence" on Sunday, since there is just no way that such a thing could have happened by chance. However, Yukimura apparently didn't tell him very much about whatever it is that he's planning… After all, here was an important part of that plan, and yet Tezuka had absolutely no idea as to what it meant.

Ironically, it was Tezuka who ended up asking me most of the questions; he was obviously confused about all the references in the letter to my stunt on Tuesday. So I told him all about how I had taken Sanada out to lunch earlier in the week, just to annoy Yukimura. And I noticed that the corner of his mouth started to twitch ever so slightly while I explained this to him… This meant that he was trying his best not to smile, because he was amused by something. (I have to admit that I have a certain secret fondness for that twitch… I try to be the cause of it whenever I possibly can.) But that hint of a smile disappeared when I went on to tell him about the way I had been treating Sanada during lunch, with my fake cordiality in all of its unsettling glory.

I couldn't help noticing this little detail, and I found myself asking him what was the matter. He didn't say very much at first, but he did ask me why I had been acting like that toward Sanada. So I explained how angry I had been about Sunday's argument, and that I figured that the best way to really get on his nerves was to be as sickeningly sweet as possible. And then he said something that really didn't make sense at all: "I see… Well, that's unfortunate."

I asked him what in the world he meant by that, and he went on to explain by saying something along these lines: "I'm sure that it did bother him. But if you really want him to stop being rude to you, acting like a fake isn't going to solve the problem."

When he said that, I got the strangest sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I suddenly felt almost depressed about the whole situation. And the truth is, I'm not even sure _why_ I felt like that… After all, I already knew that my behavior on Tuesday wasn't going to "solve" any kind of problem. I don't intend to open up to Sanada, any more than I intend to go swimming in shark-infested waters. But suddenly, I almost wished that my interaction with Sanada wasn't just limited to trying to outmaneuver him all the time. After all, I already mentioned that I was surprised at how polite he was being to me on Friday. Honestly, I had no reason to be rude to him, so I wasn't. And he wasn't rude to me, either. In fact, it was almost a pleasant experience.

The truth is that I wish that I didn't have to act like a fake in front of him. I wish that we could just be friends, instead of either fighting like cats and dogs or simply ignoring each other entirely.

And as I read over what I just wrote, I am almost in shock that I feel this way. After all, why should I care about what Sanada Genichiroh thinks of me? _Do_ I actually care what he thinks of me? Or is it just because Tezuka didn't approve of my behavior? This would make much more sense, given how deeply I admire him. Disappointing him is certainly something that I have every reason to avoid.

In any event, I talked a little longer with Tezuka, but we didn't really have much to say to each other. I think we were both thinking about other things… So I excused myself and thanked him for his time. I just wish that my discussions with him didn't have such an irritating tendency to create more questions than they answer. Not to mention the fact that I suddenly feel very depressed, and I don't have the slightest idea why. In any case, I suppose that I should go to bed, since I really don't have anything else to write about, except an endless list of unanswerable questions.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２０日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 20**

At the risk of sounding as arrogant as Atobe, I have to say, I'm brilliant.

Alright, I'll admit it; I got a little lucky. And I was right; the perfect idea for a plan came when I wasn't even thinking about it. I was doing homework, and my mother came in to tell me goodnight. (She and Father have been going to bed earlier and earlier lately; I guess it's their age.) As she was leaving, she just happened to mention that she and Father were taking Grandfather out to the theater tomorrow night, and I would be home alone from 5:30 to about midnight. At first I didn't pay much attention to what she said, but after a second's thought, I had my brilliant idea.

I got up quickly and caught my mother on her way down the hall to her room. I asked her nicely if I could invite a friend over for dinner when they were gone tomorrow. And just like I hoped she would, she smiled and said, "Of course."

At that point, there was only one thing left to do: call Atobe and invite him over.

Luckily, I just happened to have his number in the address book on my cell phone. Last year during tennis season, Yukimura gave me a list he had of phone numbers from all the tennis club captains in our region. I don't know where he got the list, but he gave it to me in case I wanted to schedule any practice matches (an idea I never seriously considered). I was a little nervous that the number might not still work, since I'm sure Atobe has multiple phone numbers and probably switches out cell phones almost as often as clothing. So when I called and heard him pick up (it took him a while, but he did answer), I almost worried that he could hear the excitement in my voice as I casually invited him over for dinner.

It's the perfect plan. He'll be out of his element, and I'll be in mine. And this way, my mother and the rest of my family won't be here to try and ease his discomfort. Even more disconcerting (for him) is the fact that he'll be alone with me. It will be just the two of us and a big, empty house. That sort of situation is nice when you're with someone you know really well, but not so nice with someone unfamiliar, especially someone you might potentially consider an enemy. I realized immediately that this would be the perfect way to freak him out.

My conversation with him on the phone only proved that to be the case. He didn't sound as articulate as he normally does. He seemed a little nervous at the thought that my family might be there, but he _really _started stuttering when I told him that we would be alone. I gave him directions to my house, and he observed that I live "in the middle of nowhere." I then proceeded to mention that I liked how _secluded _it was. (Alright, at that point, I'll admit that I was _trying _to scare him.) He didn't seem to like that idea. I was vaguely tempted to laugh. Honestly, what does he think I'm going to do, try to murder him? Although I'm not saying that's a bad idea…

In all seriousness, though, this is going to work out very nicely. All I have to do now is figure out exactly what I'm going to say, but I have all day tomorrow to think about it. Oh, and I also have to figure out what I'm going to cook. Not that really I know how to cook a lot of things… In fact, knowing me, I'm going to have to use every recipe I know in order to come up with a decent meal. And I suppose I'll have to go shopping. I can do that tomorrow afternoon; Atobe's not coming over until seven.

I should go to bed. I have a date with Yukimura tomorrow morning, kind of early. But I've decided that I'm not going to tell him about any of this. I'm sure he wouldn't be interested anyway.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２０日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 20th**

I realize that this past month has consisted almost entirely of nothing but strange situations and unexpected circumstances, but as for what just happened to me, not one hour ago this evening…

Actually, I have no idea what in the hell just happened to me.

I was sitting here at my desk, minding my own business and trying to think of something to write about for my journal entry today, when my cell phone rang. This was perplexing enough, since my friends usually remember to call my private home line during the evenings, rather than my cell phone. And after fumbling around in my school bag for a while in order to locate it, I noticed that the number on the caller ID was one that I didn't recognize. In any case, the call was on its third ring already, so I hurried to answer it.

You can guess my utter astonishment when I discovered that it was Sanada, of all people, on the other line.

I spent the first few sentences of the conversation trying to figure out how in the world Sanada got my phone number, but all he said was that he got it from Yukimura. Needless to say, this detail still confused me… I don't remember ever giving Yukimura my cell phone number. But at least by this point, I was able to recover enough from the initial shock to carry on a real conversation. So I asked him what I could do for him (which seemed considerably more polite than "Why in the hell are you calling me?").

He invited me to dinner.

Even as I write that sentence and then read back over it, I still can't believe this. Sanada Genichiroh invited me over for _dinner_. Obviously, I was in complete shock about it at the time… He asked whether or not I was free tomorrow. Well, in that moment I was thinking about as clearly as a shell-shocked tortoise, but I started rummaging around my desk, trying to find my calendar so that I could double-check my schedule. (Naturally, it's sitting here right in front of my face at the moment, taunting me, but I couldn't locate it during the phone call.) I asked him what time he had in mind, and he told me seven o'clock. Well, I still had no idea if I was free or not, but I told him that I was, since I didn't really want him to know how flustered I was acting.

And then, the next thing I know, he was asking if I needed directions to his house. All of a sudden, the reality of the situation hit me…

I was being invited over to Sanada Genichiroh's _house_.

I'm not even sure why this idea makes me so nervous, but it does. I've never been to Sanada's house, but as much as I feel ill at ease when I'm in Tezuka's home, I am certain that Sanada's house must be at least a thousand times worse. I don't know a thing about where he lives, but it has to be in some kind of traditional Japanese residence; I couldn't imagine him living in any other kind of place, somehow. And something else occurred to me during the phone call … Was I going to have to meet his family as well? What if they were all just as stiff and disapproving as he is? The mere thought was starting to make my head spin.

But the truly disturbing piece of knowledge came when I tried to clarify that his family would be there, just so I could brace myself for an entire army of dull personalities. He then informed me that his family wouldn't be home. No, it's going to be just him and me, all alone in whatever kind of creepy old house it is that he lives in…

I am nothing short of terrified.

At the time, I nearly dropped the phone in surprise, and I have to admit something rather embarrassing… I was trying to find a way to get out of it. I'm not even sure why, but I suddenly felt almost panicked. So I asked him something along the lines of whether his boyfriend would be okay with this. (Yes, Atobe, that's absolutely _brilliant_… Why don't you try to protect yourself by bringing other incredibly creepy people into this already disturbing situation?) He just brushed it off, though, so I have to guess that Yukimura doesn't know about it. Now that I have the time to think about this, I'm actually rather glad about that detail… The last thing I need is for his crazy boyfriend to become psychotically jealous and show up at his house with a knife or something, all ready to cut me up into pieces and bury me in the backyard.

… Yes, my imagination has finally run off with my sanity, and the two of them are having a grand old time without me.

In all seriousness, though, I could have sworn that Sanada wanted me to be afraid of something like that. He was giving me directions, and I suddenly noticed that his house was in the middle of nowhere. I commented on this, and he said in a vaguely unsettling tone, "Yes, I like it. It's _secluded_." I actually shivered; that's how much I am dreading this situation. I then voiced some sort of disorganized thought about how he would naturally be the kind of person to like such an arrangement, but he didn't seem to understand what I meant.

Anyway, I was so disturbed by this point that I quickly reconfirmed the time (yes, seven o'clock) and told him that I would see him then. After that, I simply hung up the phone. And now I have committed myself to going over to dinner at a strange house at seven o'clock at night, in the middle of nowhere with someone who certainly seems to consider me a personal enemy of his. And while I'm not foolish enough to actually think that I am in physical danger (I hope), I have to admit that I'm still incredibly nervous about this. I don't usually make a point of going over to an acquaintance's house unprepared, and when it comes to someone like Sanada, I have absolutely no idea what I should be expecting.

And then there's the fact that he certainly doesn't consider me a friend of his. So what are we supposed to do for two hours, sit there and glare menacingly at each other? Try to win a pointless verbal debate? Grab two of his wooden swords and spar with each other over the dinner table?

… And the more I think about it, this doesn't make any sense at all. What exactly are we going to eat for this alleged dinner? Can Sanada Genichiroh really cook? Is he going to call for take-out? Am I actually going to go through with this crazy arrangement?

Well, as much as I don't know the answers to any of these questions, I do know one thing for certain…

I'm definitely going to have trouble sleeping tonight.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２１日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 21**

Atobe just left my house. After this evening, I'm not sure what to think anymore.

So much for my plan.

As always, I'll try to start at the beginning so I can sort out my thoughts. Atobe showed up a little early, and I wasn't quite finished cooking, so I had him wait in the dining room while I set everything out. I noticed right away that he was acting a little strange. He seemed nervous, like I thought he'd be, but something in his discomfort wasn't entirely unpleasant. And it wasn't just because I like seeing him uncomfortable; he was being incredibly polite, and almost _humble, _at least for Atobe.

If he's trying to confuse me, he's doing a good job.

One thing in particular that he said early in the meal caught my attention. He'd mentioned that he didn't even know I could cook, which I guess I should have expected (it's not something people usually guess about me). I replied that my skills were somewhat limited, as was my recipe list. During the meal, though, he brought it up again, looking at the food and saying, "I thought you said you couldn't cook much…"

I glanced down at the table, and I can't say that the meal struck me as very extravagant. But instead of pointing this out in a less-than-polite tone of voice, I found myself humbly admitting that what was on the table was basically everything I knew how to cook. I can't figure out what it was that was causing me to want to speak so softly and act so kind, but somehow I completely forgot my original plan, which was to spark as many arguments as possible.

Then he said the thing that surprised me. He replied, "It's a lot to me. You're talking to someone who doesn't even know how to make toast."

I got the funniest feeling when he said that. It was the kind of thing I never would have expected him to say, but I can't put my finger on the reason why. There were a few things about it that were perfectly in-character for Atobe: it was witty, it was perfectly timed, and it was casual conversation. And while it technically revealed a deficiency on his part, which seems like a taboo for someone who keeps up such an arrogant front, it was the sort of thing that he could have very possibly said to a guest and gotten away with, as long as he trivialized it with a quick laugh and a wave of his hand.

So what was it that made me completely unable to resist a smile?

And then he changed the subject. He looked towards the screen doors and started talking about how beautiful the snow looked as it was falling outside. I was shocked. I guess I always assumed that Atobe never had the ability to recognize any beauty but his own. I never would have guessed that Atobe Keigo had any hint of a romantic side to him.

It was the most uncanny feeling. I mean, there we were, sitting across the dinner table, looking outside at the snow and finally agreeing on something for once: simply the fact that it was beautiful. It was almost unsettling. If I had to compare it to something, I imagine that it would be like fighting in a war, trapping an enemy in a corner and, just as you're preparing to kill him, suddenly realizing that he was exactly like you.

Atobe carried on the conversation from there, in his natural way of doing so. But the strange thing was, I felt absolutely no frustration at all. I couldn't understand it. He was making his usual, pointless small talk, asking questions every now and then that forced me to answer. Except I didn't even feel forced. There was something about the way he was going about it that made me almost _enjoy _the conversation.

We finished eating, and I offered to go make some tea. While I was in the kitchen, I came back to my senses. What was I doing? I was supposed to be drilling him, trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible, and yet here I was, chatting and even laughing (yes, _laughing_) with him like he was a close friend of mine. I decided quickly that I couldn't let it continue.

When I came back with the tea, I launched into my planned conversation: "Are you going to play high school tennis next year?" He answered yes, of course. I told him that I was, too, and that I was already training, and he commented on how "focused" I am. It was going exactly how I'd wanted it to, except he didn't seem very uncomfortable. I ignored this fact and continued.

I told him that I think he tends to "lose sight of his goals." He seemed a little offended by that, naturally, and argued that maybe I just didn't understand his goals. Now he was beginning to sound more like the Atobe I knew. So I took that as a green light, and observed that his only goal seemed to be antagonizing people.

I was trying to get at something that I figured out (or thought I figured out) as I was thinking about it today. One aspect of his real personality seems pretty clear: he's very competitive and makes enemies easily. That's what he did with Tezuka, when he tried to destroy his arm. And that's what he constantly does with me. And (unless there's something I'm not seeing) he does this for absolutely no reason. It's almost like it's a game to him. It's just part of his nature; he acts nice, but really he doesn't like people at all and will try to bring them down whenever he can. That's what I thought, anyway.

Of course, when I said that, he asked me what I was talking about, and I mentioned Tezuka as an example. But instead of arguing, instead of yelling and getting defensive like I'd expected, his voice quieted and he made a statement that made absolutely no sense:

"That's all I can do."

I could ponder that for years. I could spend pages and pages, volumes and volumes writing, trying to work through and understand that statement. I'll bet I could study it for a lifetime and never figure it out. A statement like that is something that only the speaker can truly understand, and I'm sure that's just the way Atobe wants it. So I've come to this conclusion: Atobe Keigo is too complicated to figure out after all.

Yes, I'm giving up. Like I said before, that was my one shot, my one chance at catching him off-guard and letting him reveal everything. Now I'm almost certain that I'll never understand. All I can conclude at this point is that I was wrong somehow. Something isn't matching up, between my assumptions about Atobe and what actually happened over dinner and tea this evening. Otherwise, it should have gone exactly how I'd planned. At the very least, I should have received a clearer answer than a vague statement like, "That's all I can do."

It's very frustrating, but at the same time, it's almost relieving. Now I'm not going to waste any more of my time pondering the enigma that is Atobe Keigo. Most likely, he's going to make a greater effort to avoid me, now that I've made it so clear what I think of him. And even if he doesn't, I can just endure his chatter without the frustration of wanting to know what he's hiding. Because if there is something, he's too good at hiding it, and I have no choice but to surrender to him and let him have his secrets.

Congratulations, Atobe. I'll never say this to your face, but you've won. You've stumped me. I'm sure you'd say it wasn't difficult, but nevertheless, you've done it, and I congratulate you.

After rendering me speechless with his unexpected answer, Atobe randomly changed the subject again, saying that he'd like to see my family's garden. I think his legs had fallen asleep, because he stumbled a little when he got up. I reached out a little when he did; it was mostly a reflex, but for a split second, I actually thought he was going to fall. And I don't know… I actually felt a little bit of concern. I asked him if he was alright. He said yes, and (in typical Atobe style) refused any help.

Then we stood on the porch and watched the snow fall. I don't know how long we were out there, but it felt like forever. We didn't really say anything. I was thinking, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. How he was acting, how _I _was acting, how it felt, and why. I wanted to feel like I had him figured out again. I could tell I was losing my fragile grip on the things I thought I knew about him.

I glanced over at him at one point, and somehow that destroyed my theories altogether. His expression was thoughtful and quiet; it almost didn't look like him. And then I started noticing how out-of-place he looked. Just beyond him was a bare cherry blossom tree and another part of the house. I never realized it before, but Atobe doesn't seem to belong in such a Japanese setting. I knew his family was very Westernized, but he is still Japanese, so I didn't think that it would be so obvious by just looking at him. Still, there was something in the contrast that wasn't altogether disagreeable.

I looked away and continued thinking. A few minutes later, I heard him mention that it was cold. Normally, I would have ignored that sort of comment, and I think that's what Atobe expected me to do. Except that his tone wasn't exactly flippant; somehow he made it sound like it was important. If I ever heard Yukimura say the same thing in the tone that Atobe used, I would have held him and rubbed his shoulders, trying to keep him warm. But this was Atobe, and obviously I couldn't do anything like that, nor would I want to. Instead, I took off my haori and handed it to him. Honestly, I expected him to refuse it, but he didn't. He just took it, put it on, and said, "Thank you."

We were still standing out there for a while after that. Eventually, he thanked me for dinner, and said he "should be going." I showed him to the front door, and he put on his coat. The whole time I felt like there was something more I should have said. But I couldn't think of what that could have been (I still can't). A minute or so later, I watched his limousine drive away. I stood at the door for a few more minutes, trying to figure out what had happened.

And that's where I am right now.

I should probably end my entry here, because there's really nothing else I can think of to say. But somehow, I don't want to leave it at that. I'm still getting that feeling that there's something more that needs to be said, but I can't figure out what it is.

Maybe it's as simple as, I'm sorry.

That's it, isn't it? I'm sorry. Not "I'm sorry," as in I've done something necessarily wrong and need to apologize, but "I'm sorry" as in, "I have regrets." And (after sitting here staring at the page for fifteen minutes) I can think of two of them, although they seem completely contradictory.

My first regret is that I'm giving up. I'm not a quitter. So it makes me angry and frustrated to realize that I have to give up trying to figure out Atobe. After this evening, it's become clear that he's even more complicated than I thought he was. And that fact in and of itself makes me want to try harder to understand him. But I'm giving up. It's the only logical decision, because pursuing this any further would probably lead to a lot of wasted time and needless frustration.

My second regret is that I went back to the original plan at all. Before I left to make the tea, honestly, everything was _pleasant_. I almost don't care if he was being fake; he was acting nice, and I actually enjoyed talking to him. If he's going to act, why can't he just act like that more often? I don't understand him.

There are so many things I don't understand right now. Why was Atobe acting the way he was? Why didn't things go the way I thought they would? Why do I feel like such an idiot right now? And what _exactly _happened this evening?

I get the funny feeling that this was just one of those events that I could only understand if I looked back on it a year or so from now. But I have no idea what would happen within the next year that could possibly explain it.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２１日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 21st**

Yes, I survived the evening with Sanada, and no, there was no actual harm done to my person for the entire duration of my visit. The strange thing is that I don't feel the slightest bit of relief about this… In fact, all I feel is incredibly depressed, which is starting to be a rather disturbing trend for me, as far as this month is concerned. But I suppose that I should try to explain all of this from the beginning, assuming that I still have the events locked securely enough in my memory.

Well, I started the journey to Sanada's house during the afternoon. Needless to say, it took a long time to get to the outskirts of Kanagawa, and even longer to find the place where Sanada's house is located. (It really is in the middle of nowhere. As in, the middle of a forest that may as well be called Nowhere. And I'm only half-joking.) So I had to endure an incredibly long car ride in my limousine, with absolutely nothing to distract me except my own thoughts. And it should go without saying that, while I may have been extremely nervous yesterday, I was making myself a thousand times more nervous about the situation while I was sitting there. All kinds of questions kept racing through my head…

What were we going to talk about, during all of that time alone in his house? Was there a specific reason that he had invited me over, or was this just some kind of inside joke, like my idea to take him out to lunch on Tuesday? Was it possible that this was part of Yukimura's plan as well, even though Sanada had implied that Yukimura didn't know about it? Were we going to get into some kind of horrible fight again, the kind of thing that was going to make me wish that I had just lied to him and said that I wasn't available?

Well, I don't really know what happened, but it didn't take long before I felt like a nervous wreck, which is so completely unlike my usual self-confidence that it scared me. And by the time that I got out of the limousine and took a look at the foreboding structure in front of me, it was all I could do to stand there shivering in the cold, while I tried to force myself to go up to the front door. I finally took a deep breath, in an effort to convince myself that there was nothing to worry about, and walked up to ring the doorbell.

The next thing I knew, Sanada was opening the door, and my heart actually skipped a beat. I don't know what I was expecting, but Sanada greeting me in the traditional Japanese yukata (and without that ever-present hat) was not quite what I had envisioned. And the sudden shock of this reality had an interesting side effect; I suddenly felt like this person in front of me was the real Sanada, and that the one who always walks around with his face covered by a cap brim was just a poor imitation. I'm still not sure exactly what I meant by that, but he just looks so completely at home in Japanese clothes. After all, it should have been strange to see him dressed like that, since even Tezuka isn't that traditional, but it wasn't. I truly can't explain it in words; I just felt it.

And suddenly, I didn't feel quite as nervous as I had before. Of course, I was still feeling very much out of my element, but I was suddenly interested to see more of this house that Sanada had obviously grown up in. And just like it is with Tezuka's house, the second that I stepped inside, I felt as though the building itself was somehow evocative of Sanada's personality. A strong, sturdy kind of place, so quiet that the walls speak for themselves and completely remove the need for unnecessary chatter… Well, I don't really have the energy to wax poetic right now, but I believe I've made myself clear.

Anyway, he commented that I was early, and volunteered to take my coat while I was removing my shoes. He also added that dinner was almost ready, which answered at least one of my questions from the previous evening… Sanada Genichiroh had actually cooked our meal himself. I believe that I voiced some sort of surprise about this fact, but he just responded by saying that he couldn't cook very much. I was genuinely surprised at how modest and hospitable he was being to me; I'm not sure what I expected, but it was a pleasant change from our usual interaction. And then he led me into the dining room and told me to wait there while he went into the kitchen.

Of course, it was one of those extremely traditional Japanese dining rooms, which meant that there wasn't a single chair to be found in the place. I have to admit, I almost winced upon making this discovery; I always have trouble with kneeling on the floor like that, since I'm not used to the position at all. My legs usually fall asleep in the space of about five minutes, and it takes a great deal of composure to maintain my dignity when I finally try to stand up again. Still, I resigned myself to my fate and sat down on the floor, attempting to make myself comfortable. They even had one of those kotatsu heaters set up, just like every perfect Japanese family that you see in pictures.

And as I was sitting there under the kotatsu and taking a look at my surprisingly peaceful surroundings, the strangest feeling came over me. Even now, I'm not sure how to describe it… It was almost like I was suddenly wrapped in a kind of warmth, some sort of gentle embrace that I've never felt before. And I started leaning in toward the blanket, and the strangest thought came into my head… _"Don't let go."_ I still don't know what that feeling was, but at the time, I couldn't help wishing that it would never go away. As I think back on it, though, I realize that this was just an incredibly strange train of thought. I don't know what came over me.

Well, the next thing I knew, Sanada came back into the room, and I shot back up into my normal sitting position like a rocket. After all, the last thing I needed was for Sanada to ask me why I was cozying up to the heater like an affection-starved kitten, when even I didn't know the answer. He didn't seem to notice, though; he was too busy laying out the food. And I have to admit, my mouth dropped a little. He kept putting plate after plate onto the table, and everything was steaming hot and looked at least as good as the kind of thing that you can order in a restaurant. I tried to express my astonishment by saying something to the affect of, "I thought you said that you didn't cook much." He replied that this was basically all he knew how to make, but for someone who's never even made his own toast, it still looked like a lot.

I mentioned this to him, and then the strangest thing happened… I suppose that he found my comment about toast amusing, because he actually smiled.

Sanada Genichiroh smiled.

I am not going to lie or understate the matter, because that would ruin something that in all honesty I don't ever want to forget. And the thing that I don't want to forget is this… Sanada is absolutely gorgeous when he smiles. As stern and rigid as he looks for every other second in his solemn existence, in that single moment when a smile melts away that menacing frown, he is a truly beautiful person. If there ever was a fixed point in time where Yukimura lost his heart to Sanada Genichiroh, it must have been when he was smiling. I am completely convinced of this fact.

Anyway, I was starting to feel a little nervous again by this point, so I refocused my attention on the screen doors beside the table. And before I even knew what I was saying, I mentioned that it was snowing. I almost surprised myself, because I never would have expected that you could see the snow falling on the other side of a door. But I suppose that when your door is made out of paper, such a thing can become possible. Well, Sanada noticed what I was talking about, and he said something about how he had always liked the way that falling snow looked through the screen. I couldn't help agreeing with him; I told him that it was beautiful.

What I really meant to say was that everything that I could see in that moment was beautiful.

I don't remember much of our conversation after that; it consisted mostly of that pleasant sort of interchange where you don't remember a thing that was said, but you still know that you enjoyed the discussion. We had already started eating by that point, and I have to say that everything was delicious. I usually prefer Western-style cuisine to Japanese food, but when it comes to the dishes that Sanada made, I wouldn't mind eating like that every evening. And the situation continued like that for the rest of the meal; we were just eating and talking, and even laughing a little. But then suddenly, it hit me…

I was truly happy.

This was the very last thing that I would have expected to feel during a conversation with Sanada Genichiroh. I actually had to think about it for a moment, to decide if it was really possible that I could feel that way, when I had been so nervous about coming over to his house in the first place. But it was true… We weren't acting like enemies anymore. In fact, we were talking almost like we were good friends, or at least very cordial acquaintances. And this was exactly what I had wished for, when I mentioned that I was tired of fighting with him all of the time. So I finally relaxed; I forgot to worry about why Sanada had invited me over, and I just enjoyed the meal and the warmth inside his house, like any normal guest would.

Unfortunately, the illusion didn't last very long.

It started out normally enough; Sanada went back into the kitchen to make some green tea for the both of us. And I was just sitting there, smiling to myself and thinking that maybe I should invite him over to my house someday, since this had gone so well. It would be interesting to try to impress him, since I have a feeling that Sanada isn't very easy to impress… In any case, it wasn't long before Sanada came back with the tea, and he sat down again and asked me if I was playing tennis again this year.

Well, of course I said that I was; in fact, I was a little surprised that he was even asking. But I returned the question, and he returned my answer. And something about the way he said it made me think of how disciplined he is about everything, so I guessed out loud that he must have already started training for next season. He confirmed my assumption, and I said something about how he's always so focused. But then he said something that I didn't quite follow… He said that he felt that it was important to keep one's goals in mind, but that he didn't expect me to understand that.

I asked him what he meant, but he just said that he thought that I have a tendency to lose sight of my goals. By this point, I was truly confused, and even a little offended. What did he mean by that, anyway? I told him that I certainly do have goals, but perhaps he simply doesn't understand them. I wouldn't have been surprised to discover that this was the case; my goals are often hard for others to understand, and sometimes even a bit difficult for me to explain out loud. But he didn't pay much attention to my reply. Instead, he told me that he thought that my only goal seemed to be making enemies. And when I asked him to clarify what he meant, all he said was, "Isn't that what you tried to do to Tezuka?"

I think that my heart actually sank lower in my chest when he said that. Now I could see what he was trying to say, and the reality was that it was just another way of picking a fight with me. He never did approve of my rivalry with Tezuka, despite the fact that he had never even tried to understand the real reason for my competitive behavior. And in that moment, I suddenly realized that everything I had just been feeling was a fantasy.

Sanada and I aren't friends. We never will be friends, because he doesn't have the slightest interest in being a friend to someone like me. He probably thinks that I'm a terrible person, simply because I have a large ego and a rather underdeveloped sense of sympathy. He must think that there is nothing more to Atobe Keigo than talent, wealth, and a heap of adoring fans. He is truly convinced that I am a heartless snob.

Meanwhile, Sanada was still asking me why I seem to have what he called "a fixation with antagonizing people." And I didn't know how to tell him the answer. Part of me just wanted to yell at him and demand to know whether he actually thought that I enjoyed making enemies all the time, when the fact of the matter is that I don't know any other way to get the attention of someone as perfect as Tezuka. And the other half of me just didn't want to answer at all. So I tried to express my thoughts as best as I could, but my voice sounded almost too quiet to even be heard.

All I said was, "Well… That's all I can do."

And that _is_ all I can do. I would be a fool to think that I can do anything else, when it comes to interacting with people that I admire. I am not humble enough to admit that I want to get to know someone, and so if I cannot charm them with my good looks or my talent or my money, there is nothing that I can do to get their attention except antagonize them. After all, it would be stupid to expect that someone like me could be friends with just anyone; I learned a long time ago that all the money in the world cannot buy a person's affection. And by the time that I entered junior high school, I had learned to accept this fact. I truly believed that it was better to make someone hate you than to be ignored completely.

The only thing that finally forced me to change my mind was the fact that Tezuka always refused to hate me. And since that time, I have been fortunate enough to gain his friendship, and I know now that being able to call him my friend is a hundred thousand times better than simply getting his attention.

But I would be a fool to ever expect that to happen again.

I didn't let myself think about this subject for very long during the discussion with Sanada… I knew that if I did, I would probably get careless with my words again and say too much. It was clear, after all, that he was still looking for some way to attack me, and I really didn't want to give him that chance. So I looked back at the screen door, and I suddenly asked if I could see the garden that I assumed was beyond it. Luckily for me, Sanada agreed and stood up to open the door. So I tried to stand up as well.

I say "tried" because my legs had obviously fallen asleep at this point, a detail that I had completely forgotten to anticipate. And my legs nearly gave out from under me; it felt as though my knees had suddenly gone weak, and I had to stumble forward just to keep from falling over. Much to my surprise, Sanada actually had enough concern to ask me if I was alright. But I just told him that I was fine and took a moment to gather myself together before heading out onto the porch. I wasn't about to ask for help from him, not when I had barely avoided humiliation in getting my hopes up about something that was obviously impossible. No, I preferred to hold onto my dignity, if nothing else.

We stood out on the porch like that for a long time, just watching the snow fall. I didn't say a word, and of course neither did he. I was mostly thinking about what I have already mentioned, and how I hate the fact that the only thing I seem to be able to do is to antagonize people, when what I truly want from them is something else entirely. And suddenly, the most depressing thought came into my mind: _"This is how it will always be."_

And that is nothing but the truth. It was my own choice, of course, but I have built a life for myself in which I can rely on nothing except my own strength. And because of this, I cannot admit that I am lonely, and I cannot reveal my innermost thoughts. That would be showing weakness, and I have decided never to show my weakness to anyone. And so Sanada is right; from his perspective, I am nothing but a heartless snob. The only thing that he will ever see is that pretentious front of mine, that shallow device that I use to put on a grand show and act like the king of the universe.

It would probably amuse him to know that the "king of the universe" is miserable.

It took me a long time, but I eventually realized that I was shivering all over. I don't think I've ever felt quite so cold… I wasn't wearing a coat, and the contrast between the freezing weather and the much warmer dining room was a drastic one. And my thoughts were running away with my reason again; I started to think that the part of me that was truly cold was on the inside. And something inside of me was thinking: _"Well, that's just how it is. You'll never get warm again."_

I don't quite know why, but I suddenly said what I was feeling out loud: "It's cold." Much to my surprise, Sanada handed me his haori, presumably to help keep me warm. I wanted to refuse it, since I was trying to convince myself that the last thing I needed was help from him, of all people. But in the end, I just accepted it and thanked him. And I finally did stop shivering, which came as something of a relief to me. I don't think that Sanada even noticed, but I didn't really want him to see me shaking in the cold like that.

I don't know how much longer we stood out there, but I finally decided that I couldn't stay there any longer. So I told him that I had to leave. He led me to the front door again, and I gave him back his haori and put on my own coat. He actually thanked me for coming, of all things, and I thanked him for having me. And then we just looked at each other, and there was this absolutely terrible pause. I felt like I should be saying something, anything at all, but I knew that the next meaningful thing that came out of my mouth would likely be something that I would regret forever. So I simply said goodbye and walked out to my limousine.

And as the vehicle started down the road, I actually found myself looking through the back window of the car, just staring at that familiar figure standing there in the doorway. I don't really know why, but I felt horribly depressed during the ride home, and the truth is that I haven't felt any better since then. It's just so completely unlike me, that I don't have the slightest idea what to do about it. I never used to get like this when an unpleasant thought crossed my mind; I would just dismiss it as inconsequential and move on with my plans and ambitions. I know that I have realized lately that there must be more to life than just achieving one's goals, but to dwell on a problem that I cannot fix is nothing but a waste of time. And yet I'm still sitting here, wasting my time by writing about it, and thus making my mood even worse than it was to begin with.

If I had enough energy to be my usual cynical self, I would say this is all some part of Yukimura and Sanada's sadistic plot to drive me to suicide, but even I'm not that delusional. Besides, they would have to be truly psychic or even omniscient to know about such a thing, because up until now I wasn't even aware of it myself.

I had no idea just how empty and cold my life really is, but this evening has proven it to me beyond a doubt. Even someone as stiff as Sanada Genichiroh has close friends and a boyfriend and a warm, pleasant house.

But even so, this is all I can do.

Isn't it?

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

* * *

**Footnotes:**

1 _haori: _A traditional piece of Japanese clothing used mostly in winter time. It's worn over a yukata or kimono almost like a coat.

2 _yukata: _The basic traditional Japanese robe, made out of cotton; in winter one would wear more than just a yukata, but Atobe was more generally referring to the style of traditional Japanese housewear.

3 _kotatsu: _A heating device used on a Japanese-style table, combined with a futon blanket. If you want an exact description of how it is set up, look it up on Wikipedia, like all good things.


	7. Snowfall

**Disclaimer: **We claim no ownership of anything, except the general incoherence that is this story. We don't own slash, either; but it's in here.

**Authors' Notes: **Hi, again, everyone! Here's the next chapter. We hope you enjoy it. (Especially the last two entries. XD) Please review and tell us what you think! We'll smother you with love and flower showers. (We're tired. We don't know what we're saying anymore.)

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**１月２２日月曜日**

**Monday, January 22**

Today was somewhat boring, so I'm not sure what to write about. I felt a little out-of-focus all day; nothing seemed to hold my attention for very long, not even my own thoughts.

Yukimura and I both helped with tennis practice today. We'd mostly been asked to observe, and there wasn't much we had to help with. (Akaya is doing a surprisingly good job at being captain so far; he's really stepped up to the plate.) So we spent most of the time talking as we watched. He was telling me all about last night's adventures in babysitting his little sister, and he asked me what I had been doing. I was kind of worried he might ask.

I figured I should be honest with him, so I told him that I'd invited Atobe over for dinner. He started asking me a ton of questions, but I think he could tell that I didn't really want to talk about it. Eventually, he just dropped it.

That's about all that happened today worth mentioning (if it even was worth mentioning). So now I don't know what to do with the rest of this evening. I don't have any more studying I could possibly do, and it's way too early to go to bed.

I might try meditating again, but when I tried that earlier, I couldn't focus. I attempted using Grandfather's technique of pondering beautiful things, but all my mind could seem to come up with was falling snow. And as I was thinking about it, it started to seem less beautiful and became more dull and grey. I even started to feel a little cold. Then I just stopped because I was bored.

That's crazy, isn't it? Meditating isn't supposed to be interesting. But suddenly, it just seemed pointless. So I got up and went to help Mother with dinner, even though the last thing I felt like doing was cooking food.

Maybe I'll just go to bed.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２２日月曜日**

**Monday, January 22nd**

Today was a perfectly awful day. The weather was horrible, and every little thing that went wrong at school did nothing except get on my nerves.

I missed one point on my math test because I forgot to transfer the answer correctly, which I didn't notice when I received my grade. But since I was certain that I had the right answer, I went up to the teacher after class and told her that _she_ was the one who was wrong. Well, by the time that she realized what I was talking about and explained that I had simply failed to re-write it correctly on the answer sheet, I was so worked up that I almost yelled at her. Instead, I gave her a searing lecture on the stupidity of marking someone down for a mechanical error. I think I actually scared her; she changed my grade and even apologized, as though she had been the one in the wrong.

And then there was lunch period, which usually helps improve my mood. This time, though, it just made it worse. We were sitting there eating lunch (well, in all honestly, I was barely eating), and Ootori kept sneaking kisses from Shishido behind the piano. And the way that Shishido kept blushing and grumbling in protest made it virtually impossible to ignore what they were doing. It was nauseating, frankly, and I finally couldn't take it anymore and snapped at them, with something along the lines of "Get a room, you idiots."

At that point, I left the room, shoved the majority of my lunch back into my locker, and went to take a walk outside. I wasn't hungry anyway, and I thought that maybe some time to myself would help me relax. Well, the freezing weather did force my anger to cool back down to room temperature, but then I felt absolutely horrible about the way that I had been acting. Why do I treat people like that? After all, they have feelings, too; just because I was having a bad day doesn't give me an excuse to treat them like dirt.

Whenever something like that happens, I always try to think of some way that I could make it up to the people that I offended. But the truth is that I can never think of a good solution. I have a feeling that they would just laugh if I tried to say I was sorry; they would either say that it "wasn't a big deal" or they would assume that I didn't really mean it. And given the fact that it would take a lot of effort on my part to actually humble myself enough to apologize, I always manage to convince myself that it isn't worth the energy. But then what am I supposed to do instead? You can't really make it up to someone by just giving them a present or money; material objects cannot mend someone's feelings. The truth is that I've never found a good solution for such situations.

I suppose that this is the kind of problem that tends to convince people that I am a heartless snob. It also makes it nearly impossible to have close friends, unless they really don't take offense at those kinds of things… How can you make a true friend if you feel that it would be too humiliating to apologize after a fight? It's not like I've absolutely never apologized to anyone before, but I can only do it in drastic situations when I am obviously in the wrong. And it's only when I already feel like that person is a friend, because I know that they won't make fun of me for it. It's a vicious cycle, honestly, and I have nothing to blame for it except my own pride.

Anyway, like I said before, I started to feel horribly depressed again while I was outside. I think it's this awful weather… It's ugly and gray and freezing cold, and there's ice all over the sidewalks. And the snow doesn't even look pretty; it's just a dirty, half-melted mess covering the even dirtier and completely barren ground. So I didn't really feel any better by the time that I went back inside to go to class.

Eventually, though, I decided that I would try to find some of my teammates after class was over. Even if I couldn't apologize to Shishido and Ootori out loud, I could at least invite everyone to come to my house for the afternoon. Well, I did happen to overhear the individuals in question, but they were already talking to Gakuto and Oshitari. And Oshitari was saying something in his ironic voice, about how it would be "the usual double-date," and Shishido mumbled something about how "it's annoying that you always feel the need to call it a _date_." And then Gakuto interrupted with, "If you're going to a café after school with your _boyfriend_, Shishido, then yes, it's called a date." So it was obvious that they had already made plans. At that point, I just gave up and headed home.

Well, to sum it all up, today was horrible. Class was horrible, lunch was horrible, and especially that damned snow all over the ground was horrible. Feeling cold and lonely all day long was horrible. Wasting time alone in my room for the entire evening was horrible.

Of course, being completely unable to stop thinking about that stupid dinner with Sanada Genichiroh was the most horrible thing of all. But to waste a single sentence on that catastrophe would be the poisonous icing on top of the stale, rotting cake that was this day, so I refuse to do it.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２３日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 23**

I had trouble sleeping last night. I don't know why; I just couldn't seem to get comfortable.

Because of that, it's been a really long day for me. It was just one of those days that seems impossible to get through, and all you want to do is go home and sleep. I don't have days like that often, but I hate it when I do.

Everyone noticed, too. During lunch hour, Nioh entertained himself by poking me at random intervals and saying, "Hey! Wake up!" I wasn't sleeping; I was just having trouble paying attention. Yagyuu agreed with me when I told Nioh that it wasn't funny, but he seemed to get a kick out of it and continued doing it anyway. I think he was spurred on by the stifled giggles of Marui and Akaya. Those two are really not helpful in situations like that.

Yukimura and Renji seemed concerned. They both asked me, at different times, what was wrong. I didn't have any answer besides the fact that I didn't sleep well. And as for why _that _was, I didn't have any answer at all.

When I got home, I went straight to my bedroom and slept until dinner. Again, taking naps is very odd for me, but it felt nice after a long day like today. Grandfather even let me skip my kendo lesson; when I asked him why he didn't wake me, he told me that it looked like I needed the sleep. I just hope that it won't affect my ability to sleep tonight.

Once again, I have nothing more to say.

I don't understand it. A couple days ago, when I hardly found the time to write, I was able to write pages upon pages about a single day, and still feel like I hadn't said enough about it. Now that I have all the time I could possibly want, and nothing else to do with it, I can't come up with anything. I guess it makes sense, though; if nothing happened, there's nothing to write about. But if the day has been full, of course I'd have a lot to talk about.

This is how bored I am. I'm stating the obvious, just to waste time.

I suppose there are other ways to waste time than writing. It's snowing right now. I think I'll go make some green tea for myself, and maybe sit on the back porch and watch the snow fall for a while. That sounds nice.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２３日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 23rd**

I felt a little better today. Even though my day at school wasn't exactly perfect, it was certainly better than yesterday turned out to be. I'm grateful for that.

I still have to admit, though, that my classes were nothing but an extended exercise in boredom. This is irritating, because it means that I have a tendency to just sit there in my seat and let my mind wander. And I've been trying to stop my mind from wandering as much as possible, because right now it inevitably results in wasting even more of my thoughts by contemplating the evening I spent at Sanada's house. And thinking about that night makes me extremely depressed, which then puts me in a terrible mood, and finally results in a horrible cycle involving being rude to others and overly hard on myself. Needless to say, I don't want to get caught in that trap again.

Still, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it completely. And so I have to admit that I was feeling somewhat miserable by the time that lunch period came around. But I wasn't about to let yesterday repeat itself, so I decided that I would do my best to be as pleasant as I could during lunchtime.

Well, I walked into the music room, and everyone else was already in there, talking and eating lunch. And it's not like they were being unfriendly to me; a few of them even said hello and then continued talking as though absolutely nothing happened yesterday. I felt terrible, but I tried to play along with them for a few minutes. Even so, they all seemed almost wary of me, and that made me feel even worse. So I finally took a deep breath and just said it: "Shishido, Ootori, I've been meaning to apologize to you for yesterday. I suppose that you could say I was in a bad mood."

For a brief moment, there was this incredibly awkward pause, and they all just looked at me. And then Jiroh said the strangest thing: "I _told_ you so."

Well, I didn't understand what he was talking about, and I couldn't help asking him about it. But he just said that he was talking to everyone else… I still didn't understand, not until Gakuto finally spoke up: "When you left yesterday, we all started wondering what was wrong. You seemed pretty upset."

Apparently, they had all been debating whose fault it was, but Jiroh kept insisting that I was just in a bad mood and that it didn't have anything to do with them. Of course, I was quick to confirm this assumption, even though I was slightly worried that they would ask what had put me in a bad mood in the first place. (I certainly didn't want to tell them about dinner with Sanada… I can only imagine what they would say about _that_.) But they never asked. Instead, Shishido said something along the lines of "Hey, it happens to everybody. You okay now?" (I reproduce his awkward syntax only because it doesn't sound like Shishido with proper grammar.)

Of course, I said yes. And in retrospect, it was nothing but the truth. I may still be in a somewhat depressed frame of mind, but I do feel much better than I did yesterday. And the conversation I had with my friends during lunch was a key reason for this. After all, part of the reason that I was so depressed yesterday was simply because I thought I didn't have any true friends. Well, I was a fool to forget that I _do_ have friends, the kind of people who know me well enough to see beyond my outward appearance and realize that something is bothering me. And they're also the kind of friends who will forgive me when I make a mistake. In fact, they have forgiven me for many mistakes in the past, and in the end, they don't seem to think any less of me for it.

So Atobe Keigo may not have a boyfriend or a warm, welcoming house, but he does have close friends after all.

I suppose that is at least one thing that I was wrong about, when it comes to my experience at Sanada's house. Now I only wish that I had been wrong about the rest of it.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２４日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 24**

Today was not a much better day than yesterday. I wasn't as tired, but I still found it difficult to focus during class.

That doesn't happen to me often. I'm usually good at listening and paying attention to the lesson. But today, our teacher sounded vaguely like a broken record. I remember thinking how pointless the lesson seemed, and then ten minutes later, I realized that I couldn't remember a single thing she had said.

Once again, Renji asked me if I was alright. This time I didn't even have the excuse of not sleeping well. (I actually didn't sleep particularly well, but it wasn't horrible. I've functioned better on less sleep than that.) So I just told Renji honestly that I didn't know.

After school, I asked Yukimura if he wanted to go out to dinner with me. I thought it might make me feel better. But he said that he couldn't—just my luck. Come to think of it, he never said _why _he couldn't… I probably should have asked him. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to hear what sort of thing he'd be entertaining himself with while I sat at home and nearly died from boredom. Lately, it always seems like he's doing something. Today, he even seemed like he was a little distracted by something he was thinking about. I still wish he'd just tell me things like that.

Now that I'm home, I have nothing to do. I'm forcing myself not to sleep until it's actually time to go to bed. But right now, I'm almost too bored to do anything. It doesn't seem fair; I'm so bored that I don't even have the energy to solve the problem.

Oh, and note to self: sitting outside and watching the snow fall does not help anything. When I did that yesterday, I ended up sitting out in the cold for several hours, even though it was nothing but depressing. I never used to understand people who suffer from depression; I always thought that it seemed like there was something they could do about it. Get out, do some exercise, find a hobby, make friends… something. But I think I understand now. Once you start sitting around and letting the gloom creep in, it's really hard to stop. I don't even know what I was moping about, but I found it _comfortable _somehow. My mother had to come get me and tell me to come inside so I wouldn't catch a cold.

It's not snowing right now anyway.

I'm going to go to my father's study and steal one of his books to read. I don't care what it's about; it could be about economics or science or something boring like that. Right now, I think I'd just rather hear someone else's words in my head instead of my own thoughts.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２４日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 24th**

Today was an incredibly boring day; I feel almost as though I crawled through it on all fours, while everything else around me moved in slow motion. But I suppose that a boring day is better than a terrible one, and I will always settle for monotony over a nightmare. (Of course, at the beginning of this month, I was singing a completely different tune on the subject… But a few completely awful days have convinced me otherwise.)

In any case, the fact that the day was so boring means that I have virtually nothing to write about, except my own thoughts as I let my mind wander throughout all of my classes. And I think that I have finally come to the place where I can think more rationally about what happened on Sunday, when I went over to Sanada's house for dinner. I can't exactly say that it has become a pleasant thing to contemplate, but it no longer ruins my mood for the rest of the day.

One thing that I have been wondering about is that particular event's place in the strange series of circumstances that have been occurring lately. What is especially odd about this one is that it doesn't seem consistent with the alleged "coincidences," those times when I would meet Sanada without expecting it. For one thing, both Sanada and I were prepared for it. We both knew in advance that this event would be occurring, so it can't be called a coincidence at all.

What's more, Sanada almost never seemed to know what was going on during the previous confrontations, whereas he appeared to be the one who was initiating this particular meeting. And even if I were to assume that Sanada and Yukimura are working together, and that he has simply been faking his oblivious attitude up until now, that wouldn't explain their sudden change in strategy. Besides, this is the first time that any part of the event seemed like it was _rehearsed_… That conversation about tennis certainly appeared to be something that Sanada had prepared in advance, just to make me upset.

But why? If Sanada really is an active perpetrator of this scheme, when I had simply assumed that it was all Yukimura's fault, then this situation makes even less sense than it did before. (If that's possible.) If that's true, then the only conceivable motive for such a plot seems to be to make me feel as miserable as I can, which would make this whole situation terribly childish. (You don't have a boyfriend, Atobe. You don't have any friends at all, Atobe. You're a horrible person, Atobe. We like to invite you over to our big, empty houses and write creepy letters just to freak you out, Atobe.)

… And the more I think about it, the more that this idea seems completely out of character for them both. Honestly, I'm just about ready to give up trying to understand what is going on. Whatever it may be, it's clearly too complicated for me to grasp. (And then again, it might be one of those things that's so incredibly simple that you can only figure it out if you created it, like nearly every puzzle ever devised.)

There is one other thing that I've been trying to figure out, and that's why Sanada Genichiroh seems to have this uncanny ability to put me on edge. I have already admitted that I find him attractive, but that certainly doesn't explain why every little thing he says either gets on my nerves or penetrates my heart. In fact, the more I think about what happened on Sunday, the more I wonder why I was so upset by the time that I left. In all honesty, Sanada never said anything very terrible to me, and yet the whole incident managed to bother me so much that I have been depressed for three days straight.

In the end, maybe what bothers me about it is the fact that Sanada could get away with saying whatever he wanted to say about me, and I couldn't really retaliate. After all, my opinion doesn't matter to him in the least, so if I said something bad to him, he would simply ignore it. And besides, what could I say about him that would be so terrible? It's irritating, how generally perfect he is. He may not be the most socially competent person in the world, but when it comes to what truly counts, he doesn't seem to have to a single weakness.

Of course, it goes without saying that I am uniquely qualified to confirm this assumption. And it's true… I have looked for a weakness in Sanada Genichiroh before, especially when I challenged him to a tennis match at the Junior Selection camp during the summer. But what disturbs me is that I could not find a single weak point in him. Still, at the time, I was obviously more focused on finding a weakness in his tennis game. It does make me wonder whether or not looking for a weakness in his personal life would yield any kind of result.

This is something that most people who know about my infamous "insight" ability do not seem to realize… I can also see weaknesses in others that don't have anything to do with tennis. It's a more subtle kind of technique, but I can do it, especially when I have come to know the person well. However, it goes without saying that I rarely tell anyone about what I have seen; it would not only be rude but rather sadistic to use such delicate information against someone.

But it does make me curious… If I really took a good look at Sanada, what would I see? Would it just resemble that unnerving inner perfection that I have found in someone like Tezuka?

Or would I come to find out that even Sanada Genichiroh has a fatal flaw?

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２５日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 25**

Today, I was reminded of something Atobe said during the conversation we had over tea when I went to his house:

"How's your boring life been since I last saw you?"

At the time, I didn't give it a second's thought, but told him that he'd answered his own question. And that's exactly how I feel right now.

I'm tired of it. Everything I do right now suddenly seems pointless. I'm never satisfied. It's like being hungry and never full. And what I hate even more is that I feel this way at all. What right do I have to feelings like that? I should be very satisfied with my life. I have everything I need or could ever ask for. So why do I find myself wishing for more?

What more do I want?

Somehow I can't help feeling like this is Atobe's fault. The fact that I remember that one little thing he said has led me to an unsettling discovery: for some odd reason, what he says matters to me. It shouldn't, but to some extent, it does.

It explains a few things, though. I was feeling this way about two weeks ago (actually, exactly two weeks ago, now that I look back). And I was asking myself, what has happened lately that could have possibly led me to feel this way? The only thing I can think of is that inexplicably, I've been seeing a lot more of Atobe lately. So it might be that the way he insults me and looks down on me and talks about my "boring life" is actually affecting me.

It's ridiculous. Why should I care what he thinks? What does he know? I should just ignore him. On the other hand… what's really to ignore? I can't really think of anything he's said to imply that I'm deprived somehow. Nothing other than the "How's your boring life" comment…

So what is it about talking to Atobe that makes me feel like there's something missing in my life?

This might just all be because Yukimura turned me down for dinner again. His excuse (when I finally got it out of him) was that his mother promised to cook his favorite dinner tonight. Good for him. Renji offered to go and do something with me, but I was so frustrated that I sort of snapped at him and told him no.

I don't know why I did that. I should apologize to him tomorrow.

I was still angry when I got home, and I thought it might be a good idea to do something to get rid of my aggression. So I went to practice my kendo, since I missed my lesson on Tuesday. Big mistake. My movements were all wrong because I couldn't focus, and I completely knocked over my practice target, more than once. I was so frustrated that I nearly cut myself one time when I re-sheathed my katana (yes, I know, obviously that means that I wasn't doing _that _right either).

I must be going crazy. And I can't quite seem to convey my frustration right now in words, which is just making it worse. I hate writing. Renji was completely wrong about journaling; it doesn't help at all. Somehow it's just making me angrier. So much so that all I want to do is take my journal, run outside, throw it into the stream, and watch the black ink from the pages dissolve and run away with the water.

I wish it were that easy. I wish my words and all of my frustration could fade away and disappear in the gentle rush of the stream.

On that note, I think I'll go take my bath.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２５日木曜日**

**Thursday, January 25th**

I really must be a masochist.

I was sitting in my literature class today, attempting to stay awake by letting my thoughts wander, as I usually do. And for the first time that I can remember, I actually found myself wishing that I could see Sanada again. Honestly, what is wrong with me? It's not as though I haven't had more than enough undeserved abuse from that inconsiderate moron. And after that incident on Sunday, I should know better than to want to set myself up for another bitter disappointment.

But even so, I couldn't help wondering what he's been doing since I last saw him. And I was just so incredibly bored in that moment… It really did seem like it would be more enjoyable to be spending my time snapping at him, rather than being forced to endure any more of those dull classes. And the truth is, no matter how horrible I may feel by the time that we finally part ways, I never can say that our confrontations are boring. Of course, I wouldn't say that I enjoy his company… No, I don't enjoy it at all, but it certainly keeps me on my toes.

I will say this, however: I enjoy Sanada's company far more than I enjoyed spending yet another dull evening alone in this gigantic house. Well, I suppose I can never really say that I am _alone_ in my house… The vast majority of the servants are always on hand to do as I bid them, but I have long since had my fill of lectures about the impropriety on mingling with servants. Of course, my father was working late, and my mother had gone out to meet with some famous designer or other. (She is commissioning him to design a new gown for some upcoming gala that she will be attending with my father, the purpose of which I have entirely forgotten.) And even my grandparents had gone out to dinner for the evening, so I truly was the only member of my family present in the house.

I was so bored that I actually started to contemplate picking up my phone and calling random acquaintances, just to talk someone's ear off. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't even have anything to talk about. After all, this journal entry consists of nothing substantial whatsoever, except a few pointless trains of thought and the fact that I hate spending time alone in my house.

I think that I've hit a new low, as far as my social life is concerned.

Well, I should probably stop writing about nothing, if only to stop myself from thinking about the fact that I have nothing to write about. But at the very least, I will resolve to do something after school tomorrow, just to distract myself from the boredom as much as possible… Perhaps I could waste some time by going shopping downtown, even though I can't begin to imagine what I would want to buy. But anything is better than surrendering to another tedious day, isn't it?

I suppose that after this week, though, I should qualify this statement… Anything is better than another tedious day, except having dinner with Sanada. The aftermath of that kind of activity isn't even preferable to having a root canal, and I would rather have some pain and swelling in my mouth than another bad mood that lasts for a week.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２６日金曜日**

**Friday, January 26**

The craziest thing just happened to me. I'm almost not sure I should write about it, because I don't think I should dwell on it too much. You'll see why.

I suppose I should write about it, though, if only because I have nothing else to write about today.

By all rights, what happened today shouldn't have happened at all. All day today, I was still feeling a little frustrated from boredom. After school, I didn't even bother asking Yukimura if he was free for dinner. The chance that he might say yes wasn't worth the risk of another rejection. So I hardly said anything to him; I just gave him a kiss and left.

When I got to the train station, I was hit with a sudden combination of depression and frustration. The last thing I wanted to do was go home to a quiet house and have to deal with another night of crippling boredom. There is nothing that's been bothering me more than the constant silence I always seem to find in my room. So, on a whim, I hopped on a train going the other direction. Downtown Tokyo sounded like the perfect distraction; it's loud, it's busy, and it's far away, so the chance of someone I know finding me there is very low. The last thing I needed was someone asking me what the hell I was doing.

The train gets more crowded the closer you get to Tokyo. I gave up my seat to a young mother who was trying to carry both her baby and a heavy-looking shopping bag. At another stop, I kept the door from closing on a man who seemed to be in a hurry to get on. I know those are little things, but they made me feel a little better. Like what I was doing wasn't completely pointless. Hopefully, at least in the case of those two people, I made someone's day.

I got off at the first station I felt familiar with. Then I had to figure out what I was going to do, now that I'd made such a long trip. And the strangest thought occurred to me. So I walked (almost ran) to the park where I had planned on meeting Yukimura a couple Sundays ago.

I'm still not sure why I decided to do that. But I didn't start asking myself why until I got there. Almost no one was around, and I felt suddenly disappointed. I was standing by the fountain, trying to figure out why I'd even come there in the first place. I even circled the fountain a few times. I'm not sure what I was expecting.

When I think about it now, I wonder if it has something to do with the last time I was at that spot. After all, it was the place where I won my first argument against Atobe Keigo; maybe I thought something good like that might happen again. Or maybe, by going there, I hoped to get to the source of my recent frustration. Maybe that's where it all started.

Anyway, it doesn't matter really; the point is that I went there, felt vaguely disappointed, like I'd been expecting something to happen, and decided to leave.

Then, who to my wondering eyes should appear… By this point, I think you can guess.

I could have dropped dead, right there.

Heaven knows _why_ Atobe was there. But he was. He was walking towards me, and then stopped in his tracks when he saw me. He smirked a little, tossed his head, and remarked, "Well, I haven't seen you in a while." Now that I think about it, he might have been trying to be sarcastic. Because it really _hadn't _been a while, especially considering that we both live in different districts. But at the time, I took him seriously. It somehow _felt _like it had been a while. Probably because it's been such a long, boring week.

Seeing him again sent up another wave of frustration in me. I think there were a few reasons for that. First of all, I was still feeling stupid for even being there in the first place. Secondly, why the hell was _he_ there? And third, I knew he was going to ask me the same question, and I wouldn't be able to give him decent answer.

So I snapped at him. I asked him if he'd been _wanting _to see me for some reason. Of course he said he was "glad he hadn't," and I shot back, "That makes two of us." From there, we got into an argument about who should leave first. He said that I was obviously on my way out, and since he'd made such a _long _trip to get there (yeah, right, Atobe; what about me?), I should leave so he could stay. I argued that it shouldn't really matter; if he found me so repulsive, he might as well just leave and come back some other time. Then I asked him what he was doing there, before he had the chance to ask me first. But of course he refused to answer; he said my questions weren't worth answering. Typical Atobe; he thought that he was entitled to hear me try to explain myself before he had to, even though I asked him first.

I told him he was full of it, then asked him to leave me alone. He suggested again that _I _leave, instead of him. By this point, I was getting angry. I told him that I have absolutely no reason to do what he says. So typical, _typical _Atobe proclaimed that such a thing was obvious proof that I was stupid. And even more typical than that, he said something to the effect of, "Ore-sama will be the bigger person in this futile argument and cease to grace you with my presence." And then he tossed his head (in that extremely irritating way he always does) and started to leave.

Do you think that Sanada Genichiroh was going to let him get away with that? Guess again.

So maybe I'm not quite as smart as Atobe is. Fine. So I can't talk as fast or come up with better comebacks or bend hundreds of people to my will with my charisma alone. I don't really care. There are still a few advantages I have over Atobe. One (no matter what anyone says) is my tennis ability. Most of my other advantages fall under the same vein: physical and athletic superiority. Strength, agility, and skill.

So there were actually a few things I could have done in this case. At the moment, I couldn't think of a proper comeback, so I saw very quickly that I wasn't going to get lucky again and win the argument with words. But I didn't have a tennis racquet or a ball or any sort of lethal weapon on hand, so what did I do?

I threw a snowball at him.

It was the perfect shot, too. It hit him right above the center of his back, between his shoulders. In retrospect, I should have aimed higher up his neck, so the snow would trickle down into his coat. (If he hadn't been wearing a long coat, I probably would have aimed right above his pants.)

He was speechless. It was amazing; he actually didn't know what to say. (Note to self: throw snowballs at Atobe more often. Then maybe it _is _possible to win a verbal argument.) He sort of stammered out the word "you," and then threw a snowball right back (idiot). It didn't even hit me.

It was downhill from there. It was just like snowball fights I used to have in elementary school, except Atobe was going on and on about the stupidity of it all. He told me that it was just like me to resort to "brute force when you can't win a logical argument." I'm not _that _stupid; I knew exactly what I was doing, so his statement didn't bother me at all. Instead, I returned the comment by letting him know that he throws like a girl. I was on a roll, honestly. He told me to stop aiming for his head, so I apologized, using the excuse that it was a big target. I knew he would roll his eyes at that comment. I didn't really care.

I guess at that point, I was just having fun.

It's kind of like what I said earlier, about how I'd rather be in a shouting match with him than enduring his fake kindness. It's somehow incredibly satisfying to just be able to yell at him (and even better, to throw things at him). I was smiling the whole time.

Maybe I was having a little _too _much fun.

To counter my repeated assertion that he throws like a girl, he said I throw "like a gorilla" and started to run away (what a coward). Of course I chased him; what else do you do in a snowball fight when someone takes off running? I'm faster than he is, so I knew I would catch up, but I still had a snowball in my hand that I wanted to take advantage of. So I lobbed it right into that perfect spot on his neck just above his scarf. His hand went there instantly, and he slowed down so he could turn around to yell at me about how cold it was, and call me a jerk. I don't think he knew how close I was to him at that point.

And here's the part I don't really want to think about.

I'm such an idiot. I don't know what I was thinking. No… I _wasn't _thinking. Obviously my mind had escaped me for a split second, for that fatal, important moment during which I made the stupidest decision I've made in a long time… I guess I was just over-excited from the snowball fight (which I had clearly been winning), and I tackled him, straight into the ground. Yes, that's exactly how it sounds; I had him pinned, lying in the snow, with me on top of him.

"Awkward" doesn't cut it.

It was one of those horrible moments that didn't seem quite as bad when it actually happened, but when it pops into your head later (as it often does, for some reason), you suddenly feel the urge to commit hara-kiri. Why wasn't it so bad at first? At the time, I was… well, I guess I was distracted.

Atobe Keigo is beautiful.

I really shouldn't be saying this, but somehow, I have to. He's _gorgeous_. I mean, I knew he was "good-looking" or at least everybody thinks so, but really. Just seeing him, lying there… He was sort of flushed from running, and breathing kind of hard… His cheeks were this perfect shade of pink; it reminded me of cherry blossoms. No, actually, they were more like pink roses; the color looked so perfect against his pale skin (which is also perfect, by the way)… And his eyes. They're as blue as the sky or calm water, yet somehow smooth and icy. Not to mention that his hair still looked perfect, even though by all rights it should have been messed up. And it was shining like silver in the sunlight, since the sun was right behind me and shining into his face.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get that picture out of my head.

Now that I've said this much, I suppose that I might as well go all the way and be completely honest. At that moment, I thought of something I really shouldn't have. I thought of the night that I was with Yukimura, when I had him underneath me, not unlike what happened today with Atobe. Except I wasn't thinking about Yukimura. I was thinking more about myself, and everything I did that night…

I'll be honest. I was horribly tempted to kiss him. I was about three inches from doing it, too. It would have been so easy to just ease downward a little into those perfect, cherry-red lips of his…

Don't get me wrong at all… I don't feel anything for him. And I know I'm being perfectly honest with myself when I say that. He's attractive, I know; but I'm well aware that feelings like that aren't love. In fact, I firmly believe that good relationships don't even need attraction. Attraction is just temporary, anyway. Real, lasting relationships thrive on nothing but love and care. How else can you expect someone to stand by you in all situations? What would happen to a relationship based on attraction if you got in a horrible accident, and lost your good looks and most of your abilities? Or even simply if you just got old?

The relationship that Yukimura and I have is the sort of relationship that would stand through all of that. We truly love each other. I am never going to leave him, and he is never going to leave me.

That said, luckily I was able to avoid disaster. I sat up, though I found it somewhat difficult to tear my eyes away for a minute. I was a little out of it, I guess; my mind and heart were racing at the time. I got up as calmly as I could, and helped him up, too. He wouldn't quite look me in the face, so I noticed that there was snow in his hair and tried to brush some of it off. (In retrospect, I feel a little guilty for even that, but it definitely wasn't as bad as some other things I could have done.) Of course he asked me what I was doing; I don't blame him, since I didn't really know. I stopped immediately, and answered, "Nothing."

At that moment, he sort of murmured my name. I guess my heart skipped a beat. I didn't realize his voice could sound so tender. I tried to ask him what was the matter, but he said, "Nothing." Then he told me he had to go, and he left without even saying goodbye.

There. I got through it. Now maybe I can stop writing, close this journal, and let it rest, and never have to think about it again.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２６日金曜日**

**Friday, January 26th**

After what just happened to me today, I have come to a very important conclusion: I really need to stop assuming that this situation with Sanada cannot get any stranger than it already is.

I have come to this conclusion because Sanada keeps proving me wrong.

Still, I should explain this seemingly random declaration… Well, as I mentioned in my previous journal entry, I had made a resolution to occupy myself in some way or another this afternoon. I finally decided to go downtown, with the intent of doing some window shopping in an attempt to amuse myself. Of course, it didn't take long for me to realize that there wasn't a single thing in the entire shopping district that I wanted. So I was standing there, trying to decide what I should do next. (It was only five o'clock or so.) And then the strangest thought came into my head…

That fountain where I had met Sanada before, in one of those infamous "coincidences," was just down the street.

Well, I don't know what came over me. But suddenly, I wanted to go see that fountain again. Logically, this should have been one of the last places that I wanted to visit, since it was one of the many locations where I had been verbally abused without any cause by that clueless imbecile. Even so, I don't know… I had already spent yet another gray, dull, depressing day, listening to teachers drone on and on about things that I already understand, and trying to pretend that I cared enough to stay awake…

I suppose that I was longing for some excitement.

But in all honesty, that thought didn't make the slightest bit of sense, either. After all, what excitement could there be in going to look at a frozen, abandoned fountain? It wasn't like Sanada was going to be there, simply because I had met him in that spot once before. Such a foolish assumption is logically impossible.

Apparently, I need to start believing in the impossible.

Yes, the most ridiculous and improbable of circumstances actually happened, once I finally made up my mind to go take a look. I walked up to the fountain, and there was Sanada, looking like he was just about to leave. Well, it only took those few seconds as I was walking up to him for all of the anxiety of Sunday night to come back to me in a rush. But I just took a deep breath and swallowed, and then I put on my usual self-composed front, as though that dinner at his house had never happened.

I don't quite remember what I said to him, but I know that I was the one who spoke first… I think it was something along the lines of, "Well, I haven't seen you in awhile." The strange thing was, I didn't mean that in a sarcastic way… Even though I had seen him less than a week ago, it felt almost like forever since I had stepped inside his house and shared a meal with him. I don't think that I realized until that moment just how long this week had felt to me.

Of course, Sanada felt the need to make a mountain out of a molehill, and demanded to know whether or not I had wanted to see him. Well, my breath almost caught in my throat, but I quickly denied it. There was no way that I was going to admit that I had actually wished that I could see him… It would have been incredibly misleading, not to mention humiliating. So I told him that I was _glad_ that I hadn't seen him lately. Well, I admit that I was asking for a retort, and he immediately gave me one. He said something along the lines of, "That makes two of us." And just like that, I could feel all of the usual frustration that comes from interacting with that moron, building up inside of me like a steaming volcano.

I kept my outward calm, however, and told him that if that was the way he felt, he could just leave. After all, it's not like I was keeping him there. But being the stubborn mule that he is, he demanded to know why _I_ wasn't leaving, even though it was obvious that I had just arrived and he was about to leave. I proceeded to point this out to him, but he is of course immune to the powers of logic, no matter how impeccable it may be. So he naturally refuted it by saying that this minor detail shouldn't make any difference to me, if I do in fact find him so "repulsive." (Frankly, it's hard to argue with such a perfectly true assertion… That idiot.)

Well, I tried to reason with the impenetrable brick wall, by calmly explaining that this park was quite a distance from where I live, and that I wouldn't want to waste the trip. (I didn't tell him that I was so bored with my life that I had wandered downtown in a desperate attempt to occupy myself.) And he proceeded to ask the unavoidable question: "Then why did you come here?"

What could I say to that? Nearly a thousand reasons came rushing through my head, along with at least a million excuses, but none of them would come out of my mouth. Instead, the only one that lingered on the tip of my tongue was the most ridiculous reply of all: "I was hoping that you would be here." Well, I would rather die than say such an absurd thing out loud, so I didn't even answer the question. Instead, I simply returned it, by saying that I might ask him the same thing. (Which, come to think of it, was a perfectly valid inquiry. Why _was_ he there, anyway? It's not like I had been invited there for another setup, so there was no way that he was expecting me.)

He wasn't going to fall for my little trick, though, and he immediately pointed out that I was just trying to avoid answering him. Of course, that was exactly what I was doing, but I just snapped back that his questions weren't worth answering. (Now that I look back on it, I wonder where my usual eloquence had gone… This argument sounds like a heated exchange between a pair of kindergartners.) He demanded to know why my questions were any better than his, and I really couldn't resist the obvious response: "They're better because ore-sama asked them."

Well, that certainly got on his nerves. He told me that I was "full of it," and commanded me to just leave him alone. (Like I said, it sounded exactly like a fight on an elementary school playground… Actually, I've had more stimulating conversations with schoolyard bullies.) I think at this point, I started to realize how ridiculous this whole situation was, since it wasn't like anyone was stopping us from parting ways. So I asked him why he hadn't even tried to leave, and naturally his only excuse was the kind of thing you hear from a pouting three-year-old… "I see no reason to take your suggestions." So the only reason that he wasn't leaving was because I had reasoned logically that if he didn't want to be near me, he should leave.

What an imbecile.

I was so incredibly annoyed at this point, that I finally decided that I'd had quite enough of him for one day. I had no idea that just talking to him could be so incredibly _frustrating_. (It's never exactly been a walk in the park, but I can't say that I can remember him being so difficult to deal with in the past.) So I finally decided that I was going to be the one to give in, even though it was blatantly obvious that he was the one in the wrong.

So I told him that it was natural that he saw no reason to take my suggestions, since he seems to have nothing in the way of standard intelligence. And I continued by saying that it was obviously useless to reason with him, so I was therefore going to "be the bigger person and end this futile argument by ceasing to grace you with my presence."

I have to admit, I was feeling rather triumphant at this point. Even though it had been an incredibly immature argument ("You leave! No, _you_ leave!"), I had still gotten in a decent retort and bested him in yet another verbal sparring match. And I had even attained the moral high ground in the debate, by being the one to finally give in to his completely unreasonable demands. So I started to walk away, feeling strangely pleased, almost as though winning that fight with him would make up for my horrible experience at his house on Sunday.

But my triumph lasted for about five seconds, before it was quenched by something extremely cold and wet hitting me in the middle of my back.

That dolt threw a _snowball_ at me.

I won't go into detail about how appalled I was at having to suffer this indignity at the hands of someone with the intelligence of an amoeba. But I was actually rendered speechless. I believe I stammered out something to the effect of "…You!" And then I did the unthinkable. I sunk to his level.

I started throwing snow back at him.

Yes, Sanada and I had a snowball fight in the park. As completely immature and pointless as the verbal portion of our argument was, it only got more juvenile with each passing minute, and finally degenerated into a snow battle. He was throwing snowballs at me, and I was throwing snowballs at him, and we were yelling all kinds of stupid things at each other. At first, I said something about the fact that it was just so like him, to resort to brute force when it was obvious that he couldn't win a verbal argument against me. But that was the last logical remark for the rest of the skirmish, since his immediate retort was to say that I throw like a girl. (Which I most certainly do _not_.)

I don't remember half of what we were yelling at each other… I think I told him to shut up, and I said something about how I couldn't believe that I was resorting to his childish games. He then told me that my "snide remarks" were childish. In the meantime, I had been forced to dodge at least three snowballs aimed directly at my face, so I told him to stop aiming for my head. He told me it was an easy target. (Apparently this comment was derived from the colloquial expression that I "have a big head." Ha, ha, very funny. Idiot.) I think I said something about how it was "cute" that he apparently thinks that he's clever… He told me to stop calling him cute, and then he responded yet again by saying I throw like a girl, as though such a claim could become even more valid through repetition.

Well, by this point, he had slammed me in the upper arm with two gigantic white boulders in exactly the same spot, and I have to say that it was starting to hurt. I didn't exactly relish the idea of turning black and blue just because Sanada is incapable of arguing with anything other than projectile weapons. So I yelled something about how he throws like a gorilla and took off running.

I have to confess, it was not one of my finest moments.

Then again, I can't say that it was one of Sanada's finest moments either, since his animal instincts apparently started to kick in at this point. He actually started _chasing after me_. And it was freezing cold, and the air was stinging my lungs… And there was so much snow on the ground that it was difficult to run very fast, which was only going to make it easier for him to hit me. I knew that, and I can't say that I was relishing the idea of being slammed with yet another freezing cold ball of ice.

Well, I didn't get very far, when a bitingly cold object collided against my bare neck, and the snow started trickling down my spine. I put my hand up to it right away, trying to brush it off, but it was too late. Well, at this point, I was so annoyed that I forgot to be afraid of that killer arm of his. So I turned around while I was running and yelled something like, "You jerk! That was cold!"

But in that very moment, something else slammed against me, and the entire world spun upside down.

The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back in the snow, with Sanada on top of me. Neither of us said a word; everything in existence was holding its breath. And the only thing that I could do was stare at him, at the way that his face was flushed from the cold, and how he was breathing so hard that I could feel the warm air against my cheek. I don't even remember wondering what had happened, despite the fact that I didn't have the slightest idea why he was on top of me. But it didn't matter.

It didn't matter, because in that moment, I realized something horrible. It was so horrible that I almost forgot where I was, or what was going on. And that horrible realization was this…

I have never been as attracted to anyone, as I am attracted to Sanada Genichiroh.

It's not nearly so simple as the undeniable fact that I consider him to be a good-looking individual. It's not even as simple as the fact that I would consider him one of the most handsome people that I have ever met. No, in my eyes, Sanada is much more than that…

Everything about him is absolutely breathtaking.

I have been avoiding this truth for as long as I possibly can, but I simply cannot ignore it any longer. Every inch of his body is evidence of his inimitable strength, and the features of his face are stern, but almost majestic in their appearance. Yes, every single thing about him is as strong and dignified as an emperor's bearing.

And in that moment, every single thing about him stole the heartbeat right out of my chest.

I have absolutely no idea how long we were lying there like that, while I stared up into those beautiful brown eyes and lost myself in that piercing gaze. But it didn't take very long at all for a terribly foolish longing to take root in my heart… More than anything else, I wished that he would come just a little closer, that he would bend down just a tiny bit further and eclipse those fragile few inches of space that existed between us…

I wished that he would kiss me.

I wished that I was his.

It felt like forever, but it was probably only a few minutes before he shifted his body and stood up again. To be honest, I was so stunned that I couldn't move. But then he suddenly reached out and took me by the hand, and I felt myself being lifted up off of the ground. I think he even apologized, but it barely registered in my mind. And the next thing that I knew, I was standing up again, and we were still facing each other. It should have been nothing but awkward, but the strange thing was that I completely forgot to feel embarrassed. In that moment, I was too frightened of my own feelings to think about what had just happened. I couldn't even look at him.

And then he reached out his hand, and as softly as a breeze, he started to run his fingers through my hair. I must have had snow all over me, because I remember seeing a few of those icy flakes fall from my head and land onto the ground. But I couldn't help wondering what he was doing, and I felt my lips move as I asked him.

He didn't really reply; I think that he all he said was, "Nothing." He took his hand away, and suddenly, I realized how much I had been wishing that he would never stop. For a brief second, I lost myself… I murmured out his name, and my knees started to go weak. But then I remembered. Whatever the black magic of this moment was, it couldn't change the fact that the man in front of me was Sanada Genichiroh, who obviously considers himself to be one of my enemies, and is also one of the many people I know who already has a boyfriend. To permit myself to go any further would have been to allow myself to fall into the kind of nightmare that I have long since forsworn.

I will not fall for something unreachable. I refuse to cry for the moon.

So I told him that I had to leave, and I turned around and walked away. I never looked back; I was too afraid of what I would feel if I did. And during the rest of that long walk to my limousine, and for the entire drive home, and throughout all the hours that I have spent in my bedroom this evening, I have had only one word to say to myself…

_Don't._

Don't even think about it; don't even start. Don't let yourself feel anything, don't let yourself want anything. Don't even begin to head in that direction, don't even start to walk down that one-way street…

Don't lose your heart again.

And I won't do it. I have promised myself that I will not repeat the foolish mistakes of the past. Sanada may be so attractive that he can make my heart stop beating, but he cannot steal that heart out of my chest. Simply because he is handsome does not mean that I need to go any further than this undeniable attraction that I cannot help feeling. And I will accept that, just as long as I don't have to take such a terrible feeling any further.

I will not go any further. I don't want to go any further.

I will never fall for someone like Sanada Genichiroh.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

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Hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will be up soon!

**_Up next... _**All four of your favorite characters and some jellyfish. What's this about jellyfish, you ask? Wait and see...


	8. Weakness

**Disclaimer:** We don't own anything. Not PoT, or Sanada, or Atobe either. We do, however, own the subtextual jellyfish. (Don't ask.) Also, "thar be slash in these here waters."

**Authors' Notes:** We apologize for getting anyone's hopes up in regards to the jellyfish in this chapter. There are no actual jellyfish, just mentioning of jellyfish. We feel we must apologize, because obviously you all cared so much about the jellyfish. (Really, we just like saying the word "jellyfish.") On the bright side, though, there are sharks. Yay, sharks. And yes, this entire authors' note is just an excuse to demonstrate how sleep-deprived we are. But we do mean this part: Please review! We love reviewers! Yay, reviews! (Okay, so that wasn't very coherent either.) Hope you all enjoy the chapter, and we'll have the next oh-so-dramatic one up as soon as possible.

* * *

**１月２７日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 27**

"I'll never have to think about it again," I said yesterday, referring to the incident with Atobe in the park. "Never again." Yeah. Not so much.

It's been popping back into my head all day long. And every time it does, I still have the sudden urge to slash open my stomach. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. Even last night, when I went to bed (right after I wrote that I'd never think about it again), I kept remembering what had happened. As I result, I had a hard time getting to sleep, because every time I started to doze I'd see Atobe's face again, and I'd have to wake up to stop myself from thinking about it any further.

When I got up this morning, I had the vague feeling that I'd had a strange dream, but I don't remember it, nor do I want to try.

Despite all of that, I had a very good day. As soon as I got to school, I found Yukimura and gave him a really good kiss. (I don't know exactly why I did that, but when I saw him this morning, suddenly I really wanted to.) He asked me what had caused me to be "so worked up," but he looked happy. I just told him that I'd had the sudden urge to kiss him. When I said that, he smiled and kissed me back.

Then he suggested that we go on a date tomorrow. Of course I said yes, and I asked him where he wanted to go. He thought that the aquarium in downtown Tokyo sounded nice. (I did my best not to bristle at the mention of the location.) So we're going there tomorrow. And this time, we're going to meet at his house and take the train together. I'm excited.

Not only that, but I convinced him to go out to dinner with me tonight. When I first asked him, he sort of hesitated, but I jokingly commanded him not to say no to me. So he laughed and said okay.

Dinner was great. We got a table in the corner of the restaurant we went to, and we kept trying to sneak kisses when no one was looking. We were holding hands under the table, sometimes rubbing up against each other's feet… I know all of those things are kind of silly and childish, and anyone who's not in a relationship wouldn't understand, and would probably roll their eyes at me. But I love my boyfriend. I want to kiss him and hold him and be close to him, all the time. So it's not silly to me.

After dinner, we went out for a walk in a nearby park. It was pretty late, and the stars were already out. Yukimura suddenly seemed to get quiet. Then he mentioned that it had been a long time since we'd had this much fun on a date. I guess I had to agree. Lately, our dates have still been pleasant, but they haven't been particularly interesting, and they all sort of feel the same. But tonight I think we felt some of the old excitement coming back. He said that he'd missed it.

I saw his expression change a little; he looked really sad all of a sudden. I asked him if something was wrong. And he turned to me with that sorrowful sort of shine in his eyes, and told me that he thought he was really lucky to have me. I don't understand why he was looking at me like that. But I gave him the obvious (and true) response, which was that he wasn't as lucky as I was.

And then he said the strangest thing. He laughed a little and said, "I don't know about that." I know that's not an uncommon response to that kind of statement, but he looked kind of depressed when he said it, like he really meant it. Yukimura isn't really the kind of person to say something like that and mean it completely. He's not exactly arrogant, but he's confident, and he's never down on himself, at least not enough to think that he doesn't deserve me. I asked him what he was talking about. He replied, "It's nothing," and faked a smile.

I wish he would just tell me what he's thinking.

Then he asked me if I would hold him. I said yes, and took him into my arms. We stayed like that for a long time. It was nice; I've always loved the way it feels when I hold him. He's the perfect height to rest his head comfortably on my shoulder. I stroked his hair a little and kissed him on the forehead.

After a few minutes, I started to pull back a little so I could ask him if he wanted to go. But he pulled me back and whispered into my ear, "Don't let go of me, Sanada." So I didn't.

It was strange, the way he said that. I guess I'd say he whispered it almost desperately, like he was begging me. It's actually an odd thing to say, when you think about it; eventually, I had to let go so we could go home. So he must have meant something more than that.

"_Don't let go of me, Sanada."_

He doesn't have to worry. I never will.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２７日土曜日**

**Saturday, January 27th**

I had the strangest dream last night.

I'm not even sure that I want to write about it, since a huge part of me is strongly tempted to pretend that it never even happened. Unfortunately, it was the only thing that I could seem to think about all day, since my entire schedule proved to be nothing except a prolonged exercise in boredom. So if I did decide to ignore it, this journal entry would probably have to end right here, at less than five sentences in length and even less in the way of substantial content.

Well, in that case, I will explain it as quickly as I can, in the desperate hope that getting it out on paper will help me to forget it.

I believe that I was dreaming about what had happened in the park yesterday, at least at first. I remember feeling that same dizzy, lightheaded sensation, when I was falling backward onto the ground with Sanada crashing down on top of me. And just like that time, I was lying there for minutes on end, staring deep into his eyes and wishing that he would kiss me. In my dream, however, the wish did not go unfulfilled.

His lips pressed against mine, and as soon as he tried to pull away, I pulled him back down on top of me. And I don't know exactly what happened after that… We were still kissing, and there was still snow everywhere, and it should have been freezing cold to be lying in the snow like that for so long. But it wasn't; instead, it was terribly warm, and I could hardly breathe. But at the same time, it was the most beautiful feeling that I have ever experienced, even in my dreams… To be lying there like that, with my mouth against Sanada Genichiroh's lips, without any prick of conscience or sense of caution to stop me…

And then I realized that the snow was melting and turning into water around us. And that water was starting to rise, and it began to rise so quickly that it wasn't long before we were both submerged in it. And I couldn't tell whether it was the water filling my lungs or the way that he was still embracing me so tightly that was making it completely impossible to breathe. And before long, I was lost in an ocean of water; I couldn't see or feel Sanada anymore. And I just floated there, helpless and alone, and watched as my last desperate breath bubbled up toward the unreachable surface…

If this is a premonition of some kind, I shudder to think what it could possibly foretell.

In any case, I woke up gasping for breath (as you might imagine). And even though I was not as soaking wet as that dream would have subconsciously led me to expect, I was still drenched in a cold sweat so severe that I could feel it dripping down my back. Well, the first thing that I did was take a shower, and I then spent the entire rest of the day trying not to think about my dream. Needless to say, I have been failing miserably at it.

Yes, I have been failing miserably at it, and that scares me.

As I already vowed yesterday, I am determined to prevent myself from falling for someone like Sanada. After all, that kind of infatuation would be nothing but a recipe for disaster… I already know that he's taken. And besides, he's just not the right kind of person for me. All we ever do is fight and bicker with each other. If he actually was available, and we did start a relationship, we would probably spend all of our time making each other miserable. So why do my dreams insist upon betraying me, by making it even harder for me to stop thinking about him like that?

I don't know the answer to that question, but I just wish that I could find some way to forget about this whole thing.

Still, I did have one distraction today, and it was certainly an unexpected one: Tezuka gave me a call. I was very pleasantly surprised… After all, he's almost never the one to initiate a phone call, even when it comes time to schedule our usual get-togethers. In any case, we talked for a little while about what had been happening since we last saw each other. I told him about the dinner at Sanada's house, even though I skipped over the more embarrassing parts. (And I left out the incident in the park completely. I wasn't sure how to explain that fiasco.) At some point, though, I mentioned how terribly bored I had been during the week. I didn't really mean to complain, but I had hardly anything else to say, since this week had been so uneventful. But then, out of nowhere, he asked if I wanted to do something with him tomorrow.

I have to admit, I actually smiled when he said that, and I couldn't help thinking that it was kind of him. I know that Tezuka isn't nearly as cold as he seems to most people, but it's still fairly rare for him to go out of his way to make someone feel better. And so I immediately agreed… But then I realized that I didn't actually know what I was agreeing to. So I asked him if he had any particular activity in mind. He seemed to be thinking about it for a long time, and then out of nowhere, he asked, "What if we went to that one aquarium downtown? Didn't they just finish remodeling part of it?"

I was a little surprised. I couldn't remember Tezuka ever expressing a particular fondness for aquariums before, so I wouldn't have expected him to think of something like that. But it seemed like an interesting idea, and was certainly more original than our usual meetings at the coffee shop. So I told him that it sounded wonderful, and we agreed on a meeting place and a time (outside the aquarium, eleven o'clock). And before we hung up, I was careful to thank him. He made light of it, of course, but I couldn't help feeling like this was the perfect way to distract myself from thinking about what happened yesterday.

Now I can only hope that I won't have any dreams tonight.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２８日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 28**

Today wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be.

It started out fine; I got up early and went to go pick up Yukimura at his house. The train ride was nice and relatively peaceful, since it was so early on a Sunday morning. We talked all the way to Tokyo.

The aquarium closes early on Sundays, so we knew we wouldn't be there all that long. Surprisingly, though, we got around to seeing most of the exhibits. And we were having a good time, sometimes holding hands, other times sneaking kisses (much like yesterday), and just generally enjoying each other's company.

Not long before the aquarium was supposed to close, we were in the freshwater exhibit, and I heard Yukimura say, "Oh, look!" I turned around to see what he was referring to.

I swear, if I wore cologne more often, I would have to conclude that there was some chemical in it that attracted rich egomaniacs.

But not only was Atobe there; Tezuka was with him. I found that very strange. I'd heard that the two of them had become pretty good friends, but I wouldn't have thought that they hung out together that often. They also looked like they were really enjoying themselves (which is especially odd for Tezuka). Actually, if I hadn't been hearing from Atobe so much lately, I might have even guessed that they were on a date. (Of course, such a thought would have sent me into cardiac arrest if I had any reason to believe that it were true.)

I was stunned enough as it was. Not to mention the fact that this was my first chance to get a good look at Atobe since the "incident." And I realized that I hadn't been wrong about him; it wasn't just a trick of the light or something else that made me feel the way I did when I had him underneath me. No, he was still beautiful, and I still felt oddly attracted to him.

Because of that, I wasn't exactly thrilled when Yukimura suggested that we go say hi. I tried to think of a good excuse, and I sort of muttered that they looked busy. Yukimura argued that it would be impolite not to, but I rationalized that they hadn't seen us, and they wouldn't even know. Then he gave me the look; the one that says, "Don't be ridiculous, Sanada." So I sighed and let him lead me over to them. I've never argued with my boyfriend and I certainly didn't want to start now.

Yukimura started the conversation, and actually it was mostly between him and Tezuka. (I don't think I've ever heard Tezuka talk that much.) I think Atobe, like myself, was still feeling a little awkward about Friday. I'm pretty sure I caught him glaring at me once. So, needless to say, the whole situation was a little uncomfortable.

Then Yukimura suggested that we all spend the rest of the day together. I really wish he would have at least _asked _me before deciding that for the both of us. I have to be honest; I was a little angry with him. But Tezuka said that he thought it was a great idea, leaving me (and Atobe, I'm sure) to squirm. Really, Yukimura is sometimes too polite for his own good. So is Tezuka.

On an unrelated note, while we were standing there talking, I noticed something strange. I kept switching between watching Yukimura talking to Tezuka and trying not glance at Atobe, and suddenly, I realized that Yukimura and Atobe are exactly the same height. It surprised me. I don't know why, but I always thought that Atobe was taller. I know Yukimura's not short, but somehow, when I look at Atobe, I never feel like I'm looking down quite as much. Maybe that's just because Yukimura usually stands closer to me. But it also seems to me like it's partially because of the way Atobe acts, in general. It might even be a good way to describe his usual attitude: he treats everyone like they're shorter than he is.

When I first noticed, I did such a double take that Yukimura actually interrupted the conversation to ask me, "Is something wrong, sweetheart?" (Which was also kind of odd; he doesn't call me that often.) He had his arms around my waist, so I told him no and hugged him back a little. He's been so affectionate lately, especially today. I wonder why that is.

Eventually, Tezuka glanced at his watch and mentioned that we had time for one more exhibit before the aquarium closed. So he asked what we should do. Then came one of those horribly awkward pauses where no one wants to suggest anything, for fear of making everyone else feel obligated to agree. I was afraid of that, too, but I hate pauses like that so much that I just suggested that we go see the shark exhibit.

It was just a suggestion; I wasn't set on it. I just thought it would help if someone said _something._ But I could tell immediately that it wasn't what Yukimura wanted to do. In fact, he made that pretty clear by saying he'd rather see the jellyfish exhibit. As soon as he said that, I felt like a complete idiot. That's his favorite exhibit, and we hadn't seen it yet today. I wish I'd remembered and just suggested _that. _(Actually, I mostly wish that he'd just _said _that's what he wanted to do during that long pause.)

I told him that we could go do that instead. But then he started insisting that we didn't have to, because he felt bad for always "making" me go to the jellyfish exhibit. First of all, he's never forced me to do it; I just like doing what he likes to do. And it's not like I hate jellyfish. Secondly, why did he even mention it, if he was going to insist that we shouldn't bother? I told him it was fine.

Then Tezuka felt the need to get involved. I wish he'd just stayed out of it. He suggested that Atobe and I should go to the shark exhibit (Atobe had said, "Good idea" when I'd mentioned it), and he would take Yukimura to see the jellyfish, because supposedly he felt more like seeing jellyfish anyway. Yukimura actually agreed to this. And still no one asked what _I _wanted.

Frankly, I wasn't comfortable with the idea. Nor was I happy about it. I didn't want someone else going off alone with _my _boyfriend on what was supposed to be _our _date, just on principle. What made it worse was that I'd be stuck having to deal with Atobe. All I really wanted was for me and Yukimura to be able to get _away _from Atobe and Tezuka as soon as possible. I wanted today to be just him and me.

I wasn't going to let this happen. But as soon as I opened my mouth to say something, Yukimura gave me a huge, long kiss on the lips. I'm pretty sure he knew that I wanted to argue, and wanted to stop me for some reason I don't understand. Well, it worked. He hadn't kissed me like that for a long time, and frankly, it left me feeling a little disoriented. By the time I remembered where I was, Yukimura and Tezuka had all but disappeared.

I think Atobe said something then, but honestly, I don't remember what it was. I just know I said something in reply, and we walked to the shark exhibit. Atobe didn't really say much the whole time, which was a pleasant surprise. The last thing I needed was to get into some pointless argument with him.

I can't say I even said two words to Atobe after that. I was too busy thinking. The most ridiculous thoughts kept going through my head while we were in the exhibit. I mean, I _know _Yukimura wasn't cheating on me or anything. I'm not stupid enough (or paranoid enough) to think that. Besides, it wouldn't have made sense anyway; Tezuka's not that kind of person. He's got more self control than that, and even if Yukimura were flirting with him (which also would never happen), he would never allow it to go any further. He's too careful about his honor for something like that.

I guess what bugged me the most was that I was thinking those thoughts at all. I actually started feeling a little nervous. It's just that the thought of Yukimura cheating on me had never even occurred to me before. It's a scary thought, even if it's impossible. I found myself wondering if someday he might be tempted to cheat on me. Of course I told myself that was ridiculous, because he'd never have a reason to. He'd never want to. But then I thought over that again…

Would he want to?

Even worse, _does _he?

And then, even worse than that, I realized that I don't know the answer.

I would never _assume _that he would. I don't even think that he would. But I don't _know _for certain, and that bothers me. And all these little things kept popping into my head, as if there were evidence that I'm not enough for him. Like just last night, when he mentioned how long it had been since we'd had so much fun on a date together. Or even all the times when he's asked me to kiss him or hold him; I suddenly wondered if he wanted even more, but he's just tired of asking.

I should know the answer. And if you'd asked me two months ago, I would have said that I knew, without a doubt, that he would never cheat on me. But as I've said before, lately I feel like I don't understand him. I've been wrong about so many other things about him; if I assumed that he'd never cheat on me, who's to say that I wouldn't be wrong about that too? And there's still that thing that Renji said, which frightens me because I have no clue what it means. All I know is that there's something very specific that Yukimura's not telling me. I've been forcing myself not to think about it ever since my talk with Renji, but it came back to me today and I couldn't get it off my mind. I even remembered most of the questions Renji asked: he asked about our dates and Yukimura's bad moods and acted as if I might be aggravating the situation, or even be the cause.

I don't know what to think anymore. And that's what bothers me.

My relationship with Yukimura has always seemed so certain. But now, for some reason, it's not that simple anymore. The thought of it ending, however far into the future, is really nothing short of devastating to me.

One of the things I realized today is that I probably need him more than he needs me. That's a scary place to be, in a way. Especially because I really do _need _him. I don't know what I would do without him. We've been through so much together, that I couldn't possibly imagine being able to let him go. And the funny thing I realized today was that he never really needed me. Even through _his_ illness, he was always the one who seemed like a pillar of strength. For _me. _I would always go and visit him, hoping to be some sort of comfort, but I was always the one who ended up being comforted.

It's true that we weren't going out at that point. So, for a moment, I thought to myself that I could live through a break-up as long as we still stayed friends. But as soon as I started to seriously consider that possibility, part of me almost wanted to cry. Even though nothing like that has happened, or even looks like it's going to. The thought was that frightening to me.

I can't say I'm sure why that is, but I'd have to assume that it's because of how close we've gotten. The closer I get to Yukimura, the more I need him, or at least it seems that way. If he suddenly decided to leave me, after we've been together this long, I'm sure it would feel like a fishook had just been ripped out from the deepest part of my heart. I don't think I'd ever recover.

Like I keep saying, I know that there's no reason that something like that would happen right now. What's bothering me is that I realized how much it would hurt if it did happen. I'd never considered the possibility; I'd never even thought about it before. I just let myself go deeper and deeper with him…

The truth is, I've given him everything.

All these thoughts went through my head today. I don't know how long Atobe and I were in the exhibit, but I'm sure it wasn't that long. Honestly, watching sharks swim around menacingly over my head was making me feel even more unsettled. So I asked Atobe if he was done, and he said yes. I called Yukimura, and we decided to meet out front.

I don't know what took him and Tezuka so long. Maybe they got lost or something. But having to wait outside for so long was doing nothing to calm my unfounded fears. Atobe was actually being very patient with me, though; I'm sure I must have looked at my watch and asked, "Where _are_ they?" every couple of seconds.

When they finally did come out, I was so relieved that I didn't even ask what took so long. Besides, Yukimura gave me a big smile and another kiss as soon as he saw me. Then he asked me if I had a good time. I lied and said yes.

We went out to a quick, early dinner and some coffee, at Tezuka's suggestion. I guess the coffee shop we went is where Tezuka and Atobe usually meet. Anyway, I'll admit that it wasn't so bad; just a lot of casual conversation.

Yukimura was being very affectionate again, which made me feel a little better. He kept holding my hand and snuggling up to me in that sweet way he always does. And on the way home on the train, he fell asleep on my shoulder.

When we got to his house, I asked him if he wanted me to come inside (he usually invites me to). But he just shook his head and said, "No, it's okay. It's getting late, and we have school tomorrow." I was kind of surprised at his excuse, but I agreed with him. Then we shared a few goodnight kisses, and I headed home.

I wonder if I should talk to him about what I was worrying about. He'd probably be offended, though. He'd probably say, "Sanada, don't you know me better than that?"

I guess I'll just try to let it go, and do everything I can to make him happy.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２８日日曜日**

**Sunday, January 28th**

I can't decide whether I am amused, disturbed, or furious. And after a moment's thought, I can only bring myself to eliminate "amused" from that list of possibilities.

I am never going to trust Tezuka Kunimitsu again.

This statement probably sounds a little extreme, especially in the context of what I wrote in my previous entry. But let's just say that spending the day with my so-called friend did not turn out the way that I would have expected. To be perfectly fair, it was actually a pleasant experience at first. In fact, the aquarium was a peaceful and fairly interesting way to distract myself from the bizarre events of this past week. We were having a nice time, just walking around and talking about nothing in particular. And I have to admit that there is a part of me that truly enjoys visiting aquariums… There is something fascinating about watching the fish glide through the water right in front of your eyes, with only a glass barrier standing between you and a miniature ocean.

Besides, Tezuka seemed unusually engaged in what we were talking about, which was a very nice change. I was still doing most of the talking, of course, but he was actually giving some fairly extensive replies, and even initiating a few of the discussions. I have to admit, part of me wondered if something was going on… I couldn't tell from his behavior, however, if that "something" was good or bad, so I decided that I shouldn't pry into someone else's business.

In retrospect, the "something" wasn't his business at all, and his friendly attitude was probably just a way of distracting me. In fact, the whole thing must have been an act from start to finish, seeing as how the situation only got stranger.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In any case, it was nearly closing time, since the aquarium isn't open as long on Sundays. And we had just walked into the freshwater exhibit, which I have to admit has always struck me as rather boring. As beautiful as the fish that live in the ocean can be, the fish that live in lakes are usually quite ugly. In any case, there wasn't as much to look at, so I was paying more attention to our conversation than usual. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but Tezuka had actually managed to make me laugh, of all things. My guard was finally down, and I was truly enjoying myself.

This is probably why I nearly had a heart attack when a certain picture-perfect couple walked up and said hello.

Yes, it was Sanada and Yukimura, number one and number two on my official list of People I Absolutely Did Not Want to See. And it took me all of five seconds to realize that I should never have agreed to spend the day with Tezuka. Obviously, this was just another setup, almost exactly the same in execution as the first time that Sanada and I "coincidentally" ran into each other by the fountain. And Sanada seemed just as clueless as ever, so that meant that it must have been planned exclusively by Yukimura and Tezuka, just for my personal benefit. I must be an incredibly fortunate human being, to have such wonderful friends who are always thinking of me. (Yes, the sarcasm is dripping out of my pen.) The only difference was the fact that both Yukimura and Tezuka were there with us… Which made for an incredibly uncomfortable afternoon that I hope to forget as soon as possible.

Of course, Yukimura was the one to greet us, and just sounded as pleasantly surprised as could be. (That creep.) Sanada, on the other hand, looked so stunned that it was like someone had just blasted him with a tranquilizer dart. I would have felt sorry for him, but it was still much too awkward to even take the time to get a good look at him. And I didn't want to take a good look at him, anyway, because I was determined not to think about what had happened on Sunday, or how attractive he is, or anything that might let me forget my promise to myself.

As it turned out, it didn't matter how awkward I felt, because it was Yukimura and Tezuka who were doing almost all of the talking. (Well, how incredibly _odd_. It's almost like they planned it. But of course that couldn't be true.) And it wasn't long before they agreed that we should spend the rest of the day together. Naturally, Sanada and I weren't even asked for our opinions on the subject, and I couldn't help shooting him a look, in an attempt to telegraph to him how utterly preposterous this situation was. But I don't think he even noticed. In fact, he looked genuinely upset, at least as upset as Sanada Genichiroh had ever looked to me up until that point.

I have to admit, I actually did feel sorry for him.

But it didn't take very long into the conversation for me to change my mind about that, and it was mostly Yukimura's fault. Tezuka was still expressing some kind of surprise at this "strange coincidence," when that alleged saint really started to get on my nerves. He started hanging all over Sanada like some kind of clingy piece of clothing, and wrapping both his arms around the man's waist, like some sort of brainless teeny-bopper girlfriend. He was even calling him some of the stupidest nicknames I've ever heard… "Sweetheart" and "honey" and all kinds of garbage like that…

I swear, I thought I was going to vomit.

In any case, Tezuka finally mentioned that we should probably decide on something to do, since we were apparently going to spend the rest of the day together. (Believe me, words cannot express my joy.) Since it was almost closing time at the aquarium, he observed that we could probably fit in one more exhibit before we would have to leave. And then he asked us what we wanted to do. There was one of those horribly awkward pauses, the kind where everyone is waiting for everyone else to suggest something. But then Sanada finally took the initiative, and said that he wanted to see the shark exhibit. I thought that this was a good idea, since sharks are at least interesting to look at, and that would make the whole situation much less awkward. So I voiced my opinion on the subject and waited for everyone else to agree.

Cue some of the worst acting I have ever seen in my life.

Yukimura immediately put on this silly little "concerned" face, saying that he wasn't sure if he wanted to see the sharks. And then he said something about wanting to see the jellyfish instead. Well, not only was he was acting like an absolute drama queen, but this was by far the most absurd excuse that I have ever heard in my life. If he had really wanted to see the jellyfish so badly, he would have said so during the pause in the conversation. Of course, what he had really been doing was waiting for Sanada to make any kind of suggestion at all, so that he could voice this pathetically rehearsed comment about wanting to see the jellyfish.

What made this even worse was the fact that Sanada was trying to go along with what he wanted. And I have to admit that I actually rolled my eyes at this point. Honestly, does he have to be so damn _nice_ to his boyfriend, just because they're a couple? It's obvious that he hasn't noticed what a creep Yukimura can be, but it doesn't excuse the fact that he would obviously bend over backward and let Yukimura walk all over him, just for the sake of being a "good" boyfriend. It's absolutely pathetic. And I have to admit, I was disgusted with Yukimura for taking advantage of him like that. I mean, it may be pathetic, but that makes it even worse that he's willing to exploit it

In any event, the bad acting continued, with Yukimura saying something like "Oh, but I always make you go with me to see the jellyfish," and Sanada was still insisting that he didn't mind…

Enter the knight in shining armor, to save the day and rescue the damsel in distress, all before closing time at the aquarium.

With perfect timing, which I'm sure must have been planned in advance, Tezuka suddenly volunteered to take Yukimura to go see the jellyfish, so that Sanada and I could go see the sharks instead. (Because of course we were just so set on seeing the sharks, that we couldn't possibly go as a group to see some stupid jellyfish.) Well, Yukimura's face immediately lit up, and he said that this was a "perfect" idea. But maybe Tezuka didn't want to go see the jellyfish? (He was careful to ask this question, with that ridiculous "concerned" expression of his.)

No, as Tezuka put it, he thought that he would "rather see jellyfish today."

… Tezuka, you're a dolt. And Yukimura, you're not going to win the Best Actress award any time soon, either.

Idiots.

Anyway, they had achieved their little goal of forcing us to spend time alone, and the bad acting was finally over at this point, much to my relief. I was still furious at how this whole setup had played out, and how ridiculously _obvious_ it was, but at least I wouldn't have to watch them dismember their scripted dialogue like a pair of mediocre drama students. Tezuka said something about how Sanada and I "should go on ahead," and that we should call them when we were ready to leave. I glanced at Sanada, and he actually looked like he might argue with them, which was an interesting possibility. But he never had a fighting chance, because his boyfriend fired the parting shot before he could even say a word.

Yes, Yukimura put both his arms around Sanada and kissed him like there was a film crew nearby that wanted a close-up shot.

I said I was furious before, but it would be like equating lukewarm water to an underwater volcano, compared to how angry I was in that moment. I knew that this was just part of Yukimura's sick, twisted method to prevent Sanada from arguing with him, and that all he was really trying to do was force him to be alone with me yet again. And it's not even any of my business, how Sanada chooses to make a fool of himself by acting like a lovesick puppy around such a conniving creep…

But I still have to admit that I was jealous.

Yes, I was _jealous_. It's absurd, really, because the whole thing was so horribly fake. But I couldn't help thinking about my dream, and how wonderful it had felt, just to kiss those lips in a moment that only existed in my imagination. And it almost made it that much worse, to know that Yukimura was just doing it to make him shut up, when I would give anything to have someone to kiss like that. I was so annoyed that I could actually feel a knot forming in the pit of my stomach, and it was as much as I could do to keep from yelling at both of them.

But then Tezuka and Yukimura vanished, leaving Sanada and me just standing there. And it took a moment, but I finally calmed down enough to at least say something to him. It wasn't exactly polite (something about how "I can't believe I'm stuck with you"), but at least it only showed a hint of my agitation. And much to my surprise, it didn't result in a verbal sparring match. Sanada just barely murmured out a half-hearted, "Me neither."

That's when I knew that something was wrong.

To be honest, that half-hour that I spent alone with Sanada Genichiroh in the aquarium was one of the most surreal experiences that I have ever had in my life. We walked all the way to the shark exhibit in silence. And by the time that we were at the exhibit, I was so unsettled that I tried to say something, but it was like he couldn't even hear me. I didn't try it again.

I'm not quite sure how long we stood there like that, with the sharks swimming over our heads, their jaws gaping open and their teeth bared. But as the minutes crawled by, I started to forget about our sinister surroundings, and instead, I found myself focusing on Sanada, who was still completely silent. It was the strangest thing… It's not as though Sanada is a talkative person, but there was something almost desperate about the way he was just standing there and staring into space. I had never noticed how eloquent his face could be, since he normally doesn't allow himself to show his emotions.

But this time, it was obvious that he was upset… It was written on every crease in his forehead, and in the way that his lips were pressed so tightly together, as though they might start to tremble if he was so reckless as to let them…

It came upon me in that moment, as though a shot of electricity had sliced through the water above our heads.

Sanada Genichiroh has a weakness after all.

I don't think that I understand it well enough to put it into words yet, but in that split second, it was glaring at me from every side and reflecting off of the glass. I simply _couldn't_ ignore it. After all, here was Sanada, one of the very few people that I had assumed to be invincible, and yet here he was, looking as though he might break apart at the slightest touch from my hand. I am well aware of the superstition that everyone has an Achilles heel, but I don't think that I realized how true that must be until that moment. There is something that he is afraid of, and if that something ever occurs, he is going to fall apart.

Yes, there is something that he values with all of his heart, and if he loses it, he is going to shatter into a million pieces.

All of a sudden, I was truly afraid for him. I suppose that I immediately assumed that it must have had something to do with Yukimura, and if it did, I knew that he had every right to be scared. After all, no matter what Yukimura may be planning by trying to set him up with me, it was horribly obvious during the previous conversation that he's not being honest with Sanada about what he's doing. And that can't be healthy for any kind of relationship, much less a romantic one. And I suppose that there was one other reason that I was afraid for him…

I, too, have had something priceless shatter into a million pieces.

It was over half a year ago, of course. But I once cherished the illusion that Tezuka and I shared something that went deeper than friendship and was more passionate than our apparent rivalry. I even went so far as to give a voice to my feelings… Of course, I was brought down to earth so abruptly that I dropped that foolish dream, and it broke into a million irreparable slivers of the glass that had been made from. I'm certain that if I had taken enough time to think about what I was doing back then, I would have been just as afraid as Sanada looked in that moment. When you put all of your hopes into one single thing, it becomes your deepest weakness, and the risk of losing it can be enough to drive you to despair.

I don't know exactly what was in Sanada Genichiroh's heart then, but it seemed as though he, too, had created a weakness for himself that he ran the terrifying risk of losing.

It wasn't much longer before Sanada nervously asked if I was finished looking at the exhibit. Of course I said yes (I hardly even remembered that we were still in the aquarium), and we started to make our way out to the front of the building. Sanada was on the phone with Yukimura, telling him that we were finished. And suddenly, I thought I noticed that his voice was shaking, just slightly. It was gone before I could really think about it, so I might have simply imagined it. But still, there was a part of me that wanted to blurt out that I felt sorry for him, and that he should know that his boyfriend was plotting something behind his back, before everything could spiral out of control and leave him to pick up those broken pieces alone. I can only imagine what he would have said to that… I'm almost positive that he would never have believed me. And in the end, I didn't say anything. That was probably for the best.

After all, here was yet another one of my wild hypotheses, and I was letting myself get swept away in an ocean of assumptions, which might not even have been correct. If I told him about my suspicions, and they turned out to be wrong, I can only imagine how much trouble I would be in. It would be better to be certain of such a thing, before giving a voice to my fears.

Still, I was getting strangely nervous myself, while we were standing out front and waiting for Tezuka and Yukimura to appear. They seemed to take a strangely long time in returning, and when they did, it seemed to me like they both had the oddest expressions on their faces. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but they seemed almost dazed… It was immediately awkward again, so I suddenly found myself asking what we were going to do next. Tezuka suggested somewhat incoherently that we go to the coffee shop that he and I like to visit together. Normally, I would have been pretty annoyed by that suggestion, since I like to think of it as our private meeting place. But I agreed, mostly because of the uneasiness that I was still feeling.

All three of them were still eerily quiet by the time that we got to the coffee shop. There were some rather poor attempts at conversation, which I tried to encourage as much as possible. But none of them seemed very interested, and even though there weren't as many awkward pauses as I might have expected, it seemed like even Yukimura and Tezuka weren't paying attention to what they were saying. (Sanada, of course, was about as talkative as a tree log.) And it didn't take very long for me to realize it…

Something is wrong.

Something is really, truly wrong.

I don't know what is going on, between all of these bizarre setups and fake kisses and half-baked movie scripts, but there is something to this that goes deeper than a silly test or a cruel joke. Yes, there is definitely more to Yukimura's plot than meets the eye. And it's starting to scare all four of us, whether or not we are aware of it.

I don't know what in the world could have been wrong with Tezuka, but he was absolutely incoherent during the conversation, and sat there staring at his coffee cup like it was mutating into a sentient being. And then there was Yukimura, who seemed much more unsettled than I would have expected from the person whom I assumed was behind this whole operation, and barely even managed his usual artificial smile while we were talking. And Sanada, of course, was just starting to get the hint that something might be wrong, even if he didn't see that it was all part of a grand design. He hardly even bothered to say a word.

Strangely enough, I think that I was the only one who wasn't significantly disturbed, at least in that moment. And whether it was from mere ignorance or simply the fact that I am in the least danger of getting hurt, I have no way of knowing for certain.

But I do know one thing: I am no longer the only one who is worried about this dangerous game that we have gotten ourselves into. I only wish that I knew exactly what it was that I have been conned into playing. Every theory that I create has a hole in it… It either lacks a motive, or is inconsistent with the facts, or much too improbable to even consider. Yes, I am completely stumped. Tezuka and Yukimura have thrown me for a loop, in what is apparently some kind of bizarre collaborative effort to confuse me.

But it finally occurs to me that perhaps even Tezuka and Yukimura are stumped by their own actions.

There is one other thing that I do know… I am certainly not the one who has the most to lose in this intimidating game of chance. And that person isn't Tezuka, or Yukimura, either. No, from what I have seen today, I have been forced to conclude otherwise.

The one who stands to lose the most is Sanada.

I am surprised at how truly afraid I am for him.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月２９日月曜日**

**Monday, January 29th **

I feel much better today about my relationship with Yukimura. I know now that he's never going to leave me.

I had a little trouble sleeping last night. I was still feeling a little unsettled, and I couldn't seem to get comfortable. I kept wrestling with myself, trying to decide whether or not to talk to him about what I was feeling. By the time I got up this morning, I had decided that I had to talk to him, even though I'd decided before that I shouldn't worry about it. I guess I realized that I should be open and honest with him, since I know that I'll always want him to do the same thing for me.

Finding a good time to bring it up was harder than I thought it would be. Even harder was trying to figure out what to say. I practically tortured myself all day thinking about it. And it felt like every time I opened my mouth to say something to Yukimura, something (or someone) would interrupt us. I wanted to talk to him before class, but by the time I worked up the courage, the teacher wanted to start the lesson. I also tried to talk to him at the beginning of lunch, but then Renji came and sat beside us, followed quickly by the rest of our former teammates. At the end of lunch, we were alone again for a moment, but then the bell rang.

It was a hard day.

I finally got to talk to him alone after school, and I realized that I still wasn't sure what I wanted to say. He was looking at me very seriously, and I got a little nervous. Before I knew what I was saying, I had asked him something completely ridiculous. I asked him, "Do you love me?"

That's a dumb question; I know. That's not the sort of thing you ask your boyfriend; you should always act like you know the answer, even if you don't. I guess in a way, though, it got to the heart of what I wanted to know.

When I said that, Yukimura looked at me with such a heartbroken expression that all I wanted to do was disappear. I was about to apologize for asking such a stupid question, but he spoke first. He said, "Oh, Sanada. Of course I do." Then he wrapped his arms around my waist and laid his head on my shoulder. And then he said the sweetest thing I've ever heard him say: "I'll _always_ love you."

I don't think that needs any further explanation.

I'll never worry about it again. I'll never have to. In fact, I'm not sure I have reason to worry about anything at all anymore. As long as I know that Yukimura will always love me, that's all I need to know.

I think I'll sleep a lot more peacefully tonight.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月２９日月曜日**

**Monday, January 29th**

Today was a perfectly peaceful day. I might have even called it "boring," except that it was a welcome change from the surreal events that took place yesterday. I simply went to class, talked with my friends during lunch about nothing in particular, and went home to spend a calm evening doing my homework and sorting out my personal finances.

Needless to say, all of this commonplace activity gave me far too much time to think about what happened yesterday. And this just created even more questions and concerns, rather than providing answers for the chaos that unfolded at the aquarium.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am about this strange situation. It's obvious that Sanada has absolutely no idea what's going on… I had once doubted that he was really as ignorant as he seemed to be, but he was so bewildered yesterday that I have to assume that I was wrong. When he invited me over to dinner at his house, that must have been by his own choice. (That fact alone is rather surprising… And it creates a whole different set of questions, which I won't go into at the moment.)

But as for Yukimura's little plan, it is absolutely clear to me that Sanada doesn't know about what his boyfriend has been plotting. What's even worse is the fact that his boyfriend's inexplicable actions are obviously upsetting him, even if he doesn't know what's going on. And why Yukimura would be doing such a thing in the first place is beyond my comprehension. Sanada seems all too willing to be a perfect boyfriend and do absolutely anything that Yukimura wants. I can't see any reason for Yukimura to do anything behind his back, no matter what his true intentions may be.

And then there's Tezuka… I don't understand Tezuka's role in this arrangement at all. I had always assumed that he was my friend, but it certainly looks like he has sided with Yukimura and started to go behind my back by taking part in his scheme. If I asked him about it, I can only assume that he would manage to avoid telling me the whole truth somehow. And what is even harder to understand is the way that he was acting yesterday… I understood the whole bad acting segment with the jellyfish, and why he was being so talkative during our initial conversation, but why did he seem so out of it at the coffee shop? It was the first time that I can remember where he actually looked like he wasn't paying the slightest attention to what was going on in front of him.

As I sit here thinking through all of this, it occurs to me that talking to Tezuka still might be the best place to start, if I want answers about what has been going on. I can't ask Yukimura about what he's plotting… That would be too blatant, and I wouldn't get a single piece of truth in exchange for my efforts. And I can't ask Sanada, because he doesn't have the slightest idea that something is going on in the first place. But if I ask Tezuka about it, I just might be fortunate enough to get sufficient information to form a better hypothesis. And if I can do that, I might be able to come up with a way to stop this impending disaster from turning into a complete mess.

I think I will give Tezuka a call tomorrow.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月３０日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 30th **

I must be the most distrusting person in the world.

After school today, I gave Yukimura a kiss goodbye and left to head home. But just before I got to the front gate of the school, I realized that I'd forgotten something. Yukimura had told me earlier in the day to remind him that he had something he needed to give me. So I went back to go ask him what it was.

When I got back to the classroom, I was glad to see that Yukimura was still there. He was talking on his cell phone, and he had his back turned to me. I didn't want to interrupt, so I kept my distance. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but of course I couldn't help hearing what he was saying. He was talking about how something had "not gone very well," and "coming up with a plan B," and "the trick is making sure he doesn't know about it." Then I heard him say, "Saturday, then? Alright, I'll see you then." And he hung up.

It sounded very suspicious to me. And when he finally noticed that I was watching him, he sort of jumped and asked how long I'd been standing there. I told him not very long, but asked him who he had been talking to on the phone. He answered that it was his mother. Then I asked him what he was doing on Saturday. He said something about going out to dinner with his family.

I don't understand it. Was he lying to me? I didn't bring up the other things that I'd heard, but I can't get everything to match up with the excuse he gave me. If it's just dinner with his family, what hadn't gone well? Why did he need a plan B? And who couldn't know about it? His father, maybe? But why? And why did his say to his _mother, _who he would presumably see as soon as he got home,"See you on Saturday"?

Why would he lie to me?

I started to feel all of Sunday's paranoia coming back. He's hiding something from me. What is it? And why does he have to lie to me like that?

I didn't have a lot of time to ponder it, though, because he asked me if he could do something for me. I asked him what he needed to give me. He said, "Oh" and fished around in his bag for a minute. Then he handed me my watch, which I'd asked him to hold for me on Sunday at the aquarium. (We were at the starfish exhibit, and I wanted to pick one up. But I didn't want to get my watch wet, and my pockets were full.)

I held out my hand, but he didn't let go of it for a moment. I asked him what was the matter. (I didn't mean to, but I think I kind of snapped at him.) Then he asked me, "Do you remember when I gave you this watch?"

Of course I remembered. He gave it to me on November 21st, my half-birthday. He said he'd bought it for me weeks earlier, and intended to give it to me on my birthday in May, but just couldn't wait that long. He'd bought it because we'd been shopping together one time, and I'd seen it and pointed it out, saying that it looked like a really nice watch. It was fairly expensive. But he'd still gone back the very next day and purchased it.

I told him everything I remembered about it. Then I mentioned that I still hadn't gotten the chance to make it up to him. I didn't try at Christmas, because I knew he'd be getting me something then too. And his half-birthday was before mine: the fifth of September. I told him that I wished I gotten him something then. He laughed and shook his head, saying that it would have been silly to think of something like that so soon after we'd started dating.

Then I promised him that I'd make it up to him on his birthday. But then he smiled a smile that looked kind of sad, and told me that I didn't have to get him anything. I insisted that I would. I don't know why he wouldn't expect me to. Maybe he was just saying that to try to be polite.

It actually felt a little awkward for a moment after that. It's been a long time since anything between him and me has been like that. So I just told him thank you, kissed him again, made sure to tell him that I love him, and left.

I can't believe I'm feeling suspicious of him again. He told me that he'll always love me. Why is it so hard to believe that? Maybe because it's such a huge thing for him to say. How does he know that he'll always love me? If he wants to make sure he's always honest with me, why would he say that? Doesn't he realize that his feelings could change very easily?

I should just trust him. But it's been so hard lately.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月３０日火曜日**

**Tuesday, January 30th**

Well, I did give Tezuka a call, but it didn't really get me anywhere. I wanted to arrange to meet with him in person, because I had already decided that this would help me to pick up on any nonverbal clues that he might give me, when it comes to what is really going on with Yukimura and Sanada. Unfortunately, the soonest that he could see me was tomorrow, so I set up a meeting with him at our usual coffee shop at seven o'clock on Wednesday. I suppose that I will just have to wait until then to conduct my unofficial investigation about Yukimura's questionable scheme. I'm just hoping that I will finally get some kind of answer as to how to solve this terribly elusive puzzle.

In the meantime, I spent another strangely calm day at school and at home… I have to admit, I'm surprised at how peaceful these everyday activities are making me feel right now. Of course, I'm still concerned about the situation with Sanada and the others, but I've started to feel strangely unattached to my own welfare in this problem. I'm not afraid of getting hurt by it anymore. Instead, it's Sanada that I find myself worrying about… Has he finally noticed that something is going on? Has he decided to get to the bottom of this? Is he going to make Yukimura tell him all about it, or is he too scared to even ask? What would happen if he did ask about it?

Like I said in my previous entry, that "chance meeting" on Sunday has only given me a thousand more questions to add on top of the ever-growing pile of confusion that is the epitome of this chaos.

As for the rest of my day, I can hardly think of anything worth mentioning, except for one isolated event during lunchtime. I probably wouldn't even have remembered it, except for the fact that Jiroh just called me to ask a question about his homework. And that reminded me of his little comment during lunch. It was the strangest thing… We were just sitting there in the music room, eating lunch like always. And everyone was talking amongst themselves… I don't remember why, but I wasn't paying attention at the moment, and I don't even recall what I was thinking about.

But suddenly, Jiroh's voice broke into my train of thought. He asked me what I had been thinking about, and I told him that I couldn't remember. (It had completely disappeared from my mind in the second that he had started talking to me.) And he seemed to be thinking for a moment, and then he asked me if something had happened to me. Needless to say, I was a bit confused by this question, but I told him no anyway. I certainly couldn't think of anything that had happened since yesterday, and I wasn't going to go into the aquarium incident, if he hadn't noticed it during the previous day.

And then he said the strangest thing: "Really? That's weird. Because you look kind of different, Atobe."

Well, that was certainly an odd thing to say, and I couldn't help being rather intrigued by it. I asked him what he meant, but he seemed to have a hard time explaining himself in words. And no one else seemed to know what he was talking about. (Most of them had taken notice of his comment as well, and I was on the receiving end of quite a few intrigued glances before they lost interest.) But he never did give me a satisfactory explanation, and I find myself still wondering what he meant by that.

I suppose that's just Jiroh for you.

In any case, I should be getting to bed before it gets any later… I've been sleeping well these past few nights, and I have a feeling that it might have something to do with my improved mood. Besides, I'm going to have to be on my guard tomorrow, if I really want to grasp the true extent of Tezuka's role in the whole Yukimura situation.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**１月３１日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 31**

I've had a horrible day. It was one of those days where things weren't going great to start with, but then one event just ruined everything.

I noticed that Yukimura seemed a little on edge all day. When I said goodbye and gave him my usual kiss, even then it felt like he was ignoring me. So I told him that I wanted to talk.

I meant to ask him why he'd lied to me yesterday, but that's not how it turned out. He was very nice at first; when I asked him if we could talk, he perked up a little and said, "Of course, Sanada. What is it?" But when I told him it was about us, I saw his smile disappear instantly. Then he asked me specifically what I meant. All I could think to say was that it seemed like things hadn't been the same between us lately.

I paused, hoping for some sort of reaction, but I didn't get one. I couldn't even read his expression; he tightened his lips, and it felt somehow like his entire face had closed up and was trying to keep me out. I started to continue. I was going to say that I thought he wasn't being completely open with me lately, but he interrupted me and said, "You're right. Things haven't been the same, Sanada."

I was kind of surprised by how abruptly he said that. And I was also a little surprised that he was agreeing with me at all. I'd been so distracted with my own feelings concerning our relationship that I forgot to think about how _he _felt about it. I guess I did assume that he noticed that some things were different, but I never really stopped to ponder it and look at everything from his perspective. Suddenly I wanted to know what he thought had changed. So I asked him.

He fumbled around for a moment with his words. It was obvious that there was something he was having difficulty saying. I thought it was because it was the thing he was hiding from me, and I'd finally cornered him, and he'd have to tell me. I found myself getting a little frustrated because it was taking him a while to say. So I sort of rushed him along.

It wasn't what I expected.

He brought up our first night together, and asked why we'd never done it again. He mentioned how we've never brought it up after that, or really talked about it…

I suppose this deserves a bit of explanation. Yukimura and I _have _slept together… but only once. It was in the beginning of September, not long after Nationals, really. (I guess it has been a long time, now that I think about it.) It was after one of our normal dates together, on a Sunday. We'd gone shopping, had an early dinner, and even played some tennis. Then we went back to his house and watched a movie in his bedroom. After the movie was over, we were cuddling a little and kissing, and I guess one thing led to another…

I don't remember who suggested it. Actually… I would have to guess that it was probably Yukimura. But I remember really liking the idea. So I spent the night with him. It was the most beautiful night of my life.

I guess I should have wondered why we'd never done it again after that. The truth is, it never really crossed my mind. Making love to Yukimura has somehow remained nothing but a fond memory for me. Maybe I just assumed that if it was meant to happen again, it would just happen, and I wouldn't have to think about it. Because that's kind of how it happened in the first place.

I told Yukimura simply that I didn't know he'd wanted to. I wish he'd told me that. Why didn't he ask? But he said that he shouldn't have had to. He sounded almost angry, and honestly, I felt a little hurt. So I basically told him that I was stupid and blind (which I am), and that he had to tell me these things if he wanted me to know. He said he was tired of telling me.

So I was right. He _does _want more from me—more kisses, more hugs, more nights with me—but he's tired of asking. I'm not satisfying him after all.

I didn't realize that it could hurt so much to know that.

I don't know what to do anymore. Doesn't he see that I'm trying as hard as I can? I do everything he asks. And I'm _happy _to do it. Why can't he just keep asking? I want him to tell me what he wants. I'm an idiot; I need to be told these things. He shouldn't have to worry about me saying no. I don't know how to make it any easier for him. It's not like can read his mind. Maybe I should be able to, but I just _can't_.I've been trying. It just seems like every time I try, I start to feel farther and farther away from him.

Why can't he just be honest with me?

Yukimura sort of stopped himself at that point, saying that wasn't what he was trying to say. (I think he could see that I was feeling hurt.) He said he wanted to know why _I _had never asked. Why I had been waiting for him.

Again, I've never really thought about it before, and I wasn't sure why. It took me a while to come up with a good answer. But I did: I told him that I had been waiting for the right time to come again. That one night together was so perfect; everything had just seemed to fall into place. I wanted that to happen again. I was waiting for it to. But it's never happened, for some reason; the moment has just never seemed quite right.

When I said that, Yukimura said the most horrible thing I've ever heard him say: "You're right; it hasn't been right, not for a long time. It might never be again."

And then he just left. He didn't even say goodbye.

Whatever happened to, "I'll always love you, Sanada"?

I stood there for a few minutes, completely stunned. I wanted to talk to someone, but I knew everyone had gone home already. I almost picked up my phone and called Renji, but I realized that I wouldn't quite know how to explain why I was calling. And I felt so awful in that moment that I figured he wouldn't want to waste his time talking to someone like me anyway.

I don't know what to do anymore.

If I were to ask to come over again some night, wouldn't he just assume that it was because he mentioned it today? And judging by everything he was saying, he might even turn me down because of that. But that's not fair. If he wants to be with me, I want to do that for him. Why is that not okay?

I guess I'll have to try asking for things like that more often. If he's tired of asking, I should just ask for him. Or even do things without asking. If that's what he wants, I'll do it. I have to. I have to be enough for him. I have to be perfect for him.

Because, if he ever left me, then I think I _would _commit hara-kiri.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**１月３１日水曜日**

**Wednesday, January 31st**

Well, I talked with Tezuka this evening, exactly according to plan. And I still can't say that I have had any of my questions answered to my satisfaction.

Even so, I think that I am finally starting to get a much clearer picture of what this strange situation is all about.

Like I mentioned yesterday, we met in the same coffee shop that we always frequent, and I proceeded to try to lull him into a false sense of security by steering the conversation toward the most harmless subjects that I could devise. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to drop his guard for a moment; I imagine that he must have already guessed my reason for wanting to speak with him, and he had prepared himself accordingly. So I finally went for the direct approach.

I asked him why he and Yukimura had arranged for us all to meet at the aquarium on Sunday.

He didn't react very strongly to this initial accusation; like I said, I think that he expected me to say it. But I did notice that a strange kind of light came into his eyes, which seemed to indicate that he wasn't entirely neutral on the subject. It also seemed like he was aware of how carefully he was going to have to answer my inquiry, if he didn't want me to figure out the real reason for the setup. So there was a considerable pause before he replied, and even then, his response certainly didn't answer my question.

"So you noticed," was all he said.

Needless to say, I was rather annoyed that he was playing such a ridiculous game with me, so I wasn't exactly polite in my response. I told him that of course I had noticed, between his bad acting and Yukimura's petty behavior. I told him that it wasn't the first time that I had noticed, either, but that I had specifically chosen to remain silent until now. And then I told him that this had gone much too far, and I demanded to know what Yukimura was trying to do, if he was so willing to risk hurting his precious boyfriend in order to achieve this unspoken goal of his.

Tezuka looked almost stunned by my outburst, which is the strongest reaction I've probably ever gotten from him. I suppose that he just assumed that I wasn't willing to put all my cards on the table like that, since I normally try to stand back and observe the situation instead of telling everything that I know. But I have to admit, I've gotten sick and tired of getting pushed and pulled in every imaginable direction, while I wait for the purpose of this twisted little game to become clear to me. I want to know what is going on, and I am not willing to wait any longer for the answer… Not when it seems like the purpose of this scheme might be much more serious than I had initially supposed, and not when it appears as though at least one person stands to be severely hurt by its impact.

I have no interest in helping to shatter someone's heart, however unconsciously I might be doing it.

Well, Tezuka finally set his coffee cup down on the table (it made the most unnerving "thud" noise), and he told me that I was right. He said that he thought that it was starting to go too far as well, and that he had consented to take part in this plan only because he believed that Yukimura's intentions were ultimately good. Of course, I found this idea rather difficult to swallow, and I couldn't help interrupting by insisting that he shouldn't have any reason to go behind Sanada's back, if his intentions were so benign. But Tezuka just sighed and told me that if Sanada did know about it, there was no possible way that Yukimura would achieve his goal. He made some kind of remark like "You know how stubborn he can be," and I found it impossible to argue with him on that particular point.

Still, I repeated the fact that if Yukimura didn't want to hurt Sanada, he should be as honest as possible with him, instead of trying to accomplish something through his own efforts. I noticed that Tezuka pressed his lips together before replying… It was an unfamiliar gesture, as though it was the first time that he had ever been forced to stop himself from saying too much. And then he said the most unsettling thing that I have ever heard him say…

"As for that, I thought that you would have noticed by now. Yukimura and Sanada's relationship isn't as perfect as it looks."

He was right, though. I _should_ have noticed it. After all, any relationship that is built around appearances and habits, instead of plain and simple honesty, is a relationship that can be lost at any moment. And it's obvious to me that Yukimura is not being honest with Sanada. In all likelihood, Sanada probably isn't being honest with himself, either. As obvious as this reality should have been to me, it should be even more obvious to Sanada. It's his relationship that is in danger, after all… Not mine. It doesn't have anything to do with me. He should be able to see that Yukimura is hiding something from him.

And yet, I suppose that sometimes it is only other people that can clearly see the things that are the most precious to our hearts.

Still, I have to say that I just don't understand this situation. After all, it's obvious that Yukimura isn't being honest with Sanada, and that is certainly a flaw in their relationship. But why would Yukimura insist on hiding something from Sanada? Other than this clandestine activity on Yukimura's part, I don't see a single reason for them to be anything but content with each other. They hold hands and kiss in public, so it seems like they have just as much affection for each other as any couple that I've ever seen. And it's not as though either of them seem like the kind of people that would be hard to get along with. As much as I may have been loathe to admit it before, they are both decent, agreeable people, and they seem to have nothing but love for each other. I've never seen or heard anything that would give me reason to believe that they fight, not even in the privacy of their own homes. If there is some fundamental problem with their relationship, it must be something that I simply cannot see.

And besides, why would anyone be unsatisfied with having Sanada Genichiroh as their boyfriend?

In any case, I continued to try for the next half hour to get some clear answers out of Tezuka, but he barely responded to my questions after those first few remarks. And even when he did respond, his answers may have sounded coherent on the surface, but the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they were completely lacking in any kind of substance. What's more, for the first time in my living memory, I recall feeling as though I was truly making Tezuka uncomfortable with all of my inquiries. (Which in and of itself is rather bizarre.)

In the end, Tezuka is still my friend… Even if he is helping Yukimura, a person that I still cannot find any legitimate reason to trust, I can't bring myself to suspect him of anything except good intentions. And I don't want to make his situation any more uncomfortable than it already is… It's painfully obvious that this game has played out much differently than he had originally expected, and that isn't his fault, no matter how he may have assisted in bringing such an outcome to fruition.

So it wasn't long before I said goodbye to him, and now I am at home once more, left with a pile of unsorted hints and unspoken answers that I still have to put together into some kind of coherent hypothesis. And as I think over the past few days, I am starting to wonder whether I will ever have a solution for this cryptic puzzle. It seems as though there is only one possible way to solve it, and that would be to know what Yukimura's problem with Sanada is.

And that is something that I will probably never figure out, unless I receive the answer from the enigma himself.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

* * *

**Footnote:** In case you were wondering if we just made it up, yes, Atobe and Yukimura are in fact exactly the same height, 175 centimeters. Weird, huh?

**Up Next:** Yukimura's plan is exposed, as everything spirals out of control. But the aftermath leads Atobe to an important realization...


	9. Good Intentions

**Disclaimer: **We own lots of PoT merchandise, but that's about it. We also slash characters without canon basis. Don't hurt us.

**Authors' Note:** Hi again, everyone! Here's the next chapter. It is full of drama, angst, and fluff, along with some crucial plot twists and the Big Explanation for what's been going on with Yukimura. It is also quite long (about a third longer than other chapters) because so much happens during these four days. In any case, we hope that you enjoy it. **And please review! **We would really, really appreciate your feedback. By the way, a huge thank you to all reviewers up until this point; you're what encourages us to keep going with this story.

* * *

**２月１日木曜日**

**Thursday, February 1st **

Yukimura kind of scared me today.

I got to school a little earlier than usual. When I came into the classroom, Yukimura and Renji were there, as always, talking. The first thing Renji said to me was, "You're early." (I love how he never really says hello.) Yukimura said hi, and I sat down beside him to join the conversation, without thinking much about it.

That's when I knew that they had been talking about me. Because instead of jumping right back into their original topic, they sort of looked at each other, like they didn't know what to say. For a second, I was annoyed; I hate it when they talk about me behind my back. They must think I'm stupid. I was even going to demand what they'd been talking about, but I was quickly distracted by the sound of Yukimura sniffling beside me.

I wouldn't have paid much attention to it, but on a reflex I glanced over at him, and I noticed that his eyes looked a little pink. I asked him immediately if he had been crying. He smiled softly and nodded, so I asked him what was wrong. I was so worried. He shook his head a little and told me that it was just what he'd been talking about with Renji.

I didn't want to pry. If he doesn't want to tell me, I shouldn't bother him with questions. But why does Yukimura need to have secrets he can't tell his own boyfriend? Even worse, he'd rather go to Renji than me. I know Renji has a tendency to know everyone's private business anyway, so it's easy to talk to him since you don't have to reveal anything he doesn't already know. But it's annoying that my best friend knows things about Yukimura that I don't, and even worse, that they _talk _about it when I'm not around.

Honestly, I'm a little jealous of Renji sometimes.

I didn't even have a chance to ask what it was that made Yukimura cry. First I asked if he was okay, to which he said yes. And before I could say anything else, he started apologizing for "the way he'd been acting" yesterday, and how he said that things may never feel quite right between us ever again. He said he hadn't "meant for it to come out that way." I forgave him, of course, but I can't say I'm going to forget it anytime soon.

I wonder if that's what he was crying about. If so, that would kind of surprise me. But maybe he felt bad, and that's what he was talking about with Renji? I guess it would explain why, after I asked, the first thing he did was apologize…

Anyway, I noticed that Yukimura was acting very sweet all day. At lunch, he sat really close to me and kept leaning on my shoulder. (Everyone else seemed to get a kick out of that; Renji had to tell them all to stop snickering.) But I noticed that Yukimura seemed a little quiet. I still felt like something seemed to be bothering him, and he was trying to hide it. I know he doesn't want to worry me (he hates it when I worry too much), and I guess that's really sweet of him, but I still wish he'd just tell me.

After school, I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner with me. He said he had to babysit his little sister tonight, but he told me he'd go out with me tomorrow. So hopefully, we'll have a good time then. I kissed him and came home, and I've been doing nothing productive at all for the duration of this evening.

I've been thinking a lot, I guess. About him. About our relationship. And all I can seem to remember tonight are all the wonderful things that have happened in the past five months. Like our first few dates, the Christmas we shared together, going with him to the New Year's festival… things like that. It makes me feel better to remember. Having something as wonderful as what we've had together is worth holding onto. I want it to last forever.

I love him more than anything in the world.

It's snowing again tonight. It hasn't for almost a week. But I heard on the news that it's going to start getting colder again before spring starts. I can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing. For now, at least, the snow is beautiful.

I think I'm going to sit outside for a while with some hot tea again. I'm sure it will be a lot more enjoyable when I'm not feeling depressed.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月１日木曜日**

**Thursday, February 1st**

I felt vaguely unsettled all day long, and I can't quite explain why. After all, my day was normal enough: I woke up, went to class, ate lunch, went home, did my homework, ate dinner…

It's not as though anything else was supposed to happen. So why do I feel almost nervous, as if I should be expecting some kind of bad news at any moment…?

Maybe it's because of the discussion that I had with Tezuka yesterday. After all, I can't say that anything he said about Yukimura and Sanada was very reassuring, except for that dubious comment about Yukimura's intentions being "good." And like I said before, I truly cannot find a single reason to trust a person who is so completely unreadable. I can certainly find plenty of reasons _not_ to trust him, however… He was the one who started this whole mess, he doesn't seem to care that his plot is making other people miserable, and he's obviously lying to his boyfriend about it…

Honestly, how could anything "good" possibly come out of this situation?

I've been thinking about it all day, trying to see these events from Tezuka's perspective. I suppose that I was doing it under the assumption that I had been thinking about it from my own perspective for far too long, and that a different point of view might help me to make some sense of it. But I had gotten so little in the way of actual information from Tezuka yesterday that I found such a process to be extremely difficult. So I tried to think about when he might have gotten involved in this situation, and I did come up with what I consider to be a rather brilliant hypothesis…

He must have contacted Yukimura regarding that very first setup, the one at the Latin concert, shortly after I told him about it at the beginning of January.

In fact, this is the only possible time that he could have done it, because shortly after that, there was the little "coincidence" in the park, where Sanada and I were both told that our plans had been cancelled at the exact same time. So he must have either called or met with Yukimura during the week and demanded to know what was going on. And then somehow, he was persuaded into helping Yukimura with his bizarre scheme.

What I simply cannot understand is what Tezuka would have been told that would have persuaded him to get involved.

After all, if anyone on this entire earth is known for being a passive individual, it would have to be Tezuka Kunimitsu. I can't imagine what would have made him decide to get involved in what is obviously a risky, and even questionable, plan. And then there was that whole comment about Yukimura's intentions being "good"… Whatever Yukimura's intentions may actually be, there must have been something about the way Yukimura described this idea that made Tezuka believe that something good could come out of it.

But what in the world would that be?

After all, if Yukimura is just trying to improve his relationship with Sanada, than this is an incredibly stupid way to go about it. He should just talk to Sanada, instead of getting other people involved. And I would have assumed that Tezuka would have agreed with me, at least as far as that idea goes… So I would have to conclude that Yukimura must be trying to do something else. But what kind of "something else" could that possibly be?

Honestly, I'm driving myself insane, trying to make some sense of this ridiculous mess, and I really should just stop thinking about it, but somehow…

Somehow, I just can't.

No matter how hard I try to stop, I keep thinking of that afternoon at the aquarium, replaying the situation over and over again in my head. And I simply cannot get that picture out of my mind… That depressing image of Sanada just standing there, in the dim, bluish light of the shark exhibit, looking as though he might crumble into a million pieces at any moment, while I just stood there like a complete idiot and said nothing…

Why do I feel so terrible about it? There's nothing that I could have done for him. Even if I had tried to tell him about my suspicions, he wouldn't have believed me. I should just mind my own business and look out for myself in this situation. After all, it's Yukimura's fault if Sanada gets hurt, and he's the one who is going to have to live with himself when this is all over, since he's the one who made it happen in the first place.

It shouldn't be any of my concern, as far as what happens to Sanada Genichiroh… I may feel some sympathy for him, since I was in a similar situation once, but it's not like I am particularly close to him… In fact, we're not even friends, and that's by his own choice, so I shouldn't try to injure my pride any further by getting emotionally involved. I have no reason to be emotionally involved, especially not with him, when the only thing that I really feel for him is some kind of silly, superficial attraction…

But then why does it feel like my heart might break, if his heart ever did?

What in the world is wrong with me?

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月２日金曜日**

**Friday, February 2nd **

Today was alright, but it wasn't great. To be honest, I feel like a complete idiot. Not because I've done something stupid and have since figured what I should have done instead—then I wouldn't be a _complete _idiot, because I would have at least figured it out later. No, I feel like a complete idiot because I know I've done something stupid, but I don't know what I should have done instead. I can't even figure out exactly what I did that was so stupid. So I _must _be a complete idiot.

But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself, and should start at the beginning.

Like I said, today was fine, especially during the school day. Yukimura was still being very sweet to me, and I really felt quite comfortable. It was almost to the point where the whole day seemed boring, so I really shouldn't waste ink and paper talking about it.

We went out to dinner together as planned, and it was nice. But about halfway through our meal, our conversation on Wednesday popped into my head; I remembered that he was tired of asking me for affection. So I wanted to try to keep that in mind for the rest of our date.

It was a little difficult during dinner; it always is while you're eating. So I didn't try too hard. But after we were done, we went window shopping. (Some of the stores were closed, but when it's just window shopping, it doesn't really matter.) I made sure to put my arm around him more often, hold his hand, and give him involuntary kisses. At first he really seemed to like it. But after we'd been walking for about an hour, I put my arm on his shoulder one time, and he sort of shrugged it off.

At that moment, I was more confused than anything else. I couldn't understand why he'd done that. So I didn't touch him for a minute or so, as I tried to figure out what was going on. Then I thought it might have just been my imagination; he'd shrugged it off so lightly. So I tried again. A few minutes later, I decided to kiss him. That time I thought I saw him shake his head a little. But he'd been smiling, so I ignored that too. The next time I kissed him, though, he pulled back before I was done and said, "Sanada, please."

So I left him alone for a little while. I was so frustrated. I can't read him; I never know what he wants anymore. Does he want me to be affectionate with him or not? He said that he was tired of asking. Did he not mean it? For a while I even started wondering if he'd really said that.

Eventually, I decided that he had said it, and that he must have meant it. So I impulsively took him into my arms and gave him another kiss. Again, he stopped me. He said, "Sanada, I know what you're trying to do, and it's really sweet… but, please. Don't bother."

Don't _bother_?

How am I going to pound it into his head that it's _not a bother_? I love him. What's wrong with wanting to make him happy?

I was so stunned that I didn't even know what to say to that. I still don't. Words can't express how that made me feel. Part of me almost wanted to cry.

Why would he say that?

I uttered the only word I could manage at that point, which was a delayed, "What?" And he sort of sighed and looked away. It seemed like he was thinking for a very long time. Then he looked up at me again, and mentioned that it was late, and that he should probably get going.

Then he started to walk away. Still stunned, I asked quickly if I could go home with him. (I was still trying to do what I thought he wanted.) He picked up on what I meant, looked back at me very seriously and said, "Sanada, you don't even want to." Automatically, I argued back that I did. And he just kept staring at me like that, like he didn't believe me. I said again that I did, and nervously sputtered out the only reason I could think of at the time, which was, "I love you."

I've stared at that last paragraph for about ten minutes now, and I've decided that if I'm truly being honest with myself, I was lying. Not about the fact that I love him, but about wanting to go home with him. Frankly, I didn't. Especially not when he was acting that way, like he didn't even want to be touched. I didn't really want to deal with that, and I didn't want to spend the whole night worrying about whether or not I was making him happy. (Not that it's been much different being at home alone; now I'm still worried about it, but I can't do anything about it at the moment.)

I worry about that a lot when we're together, really. Maybe, in a way, I've always been afraid of losing him. Because I know that he's definitely the only one for me, but I also know I don't deserve someone as wonderful as he is. So I try to do everything I can to make him happy. It's hard sometimes. But don't get me wrong; it's more than worth it. And seeing him happy is literally what I live for.

Anyway, when I told him that I love him, he paused for a minute, then said very sincerely, "I love you, too." But then he just walked away. I tried to ask him if I could at least walk him home, but he said no.

What did I do wrong?

I mean, I sort of understand, but I don't know what I was supposed to have done instead. I just don't understand him anymore. I wish he could just make it clear to me what he wants me to do, but apparently it's too much of a hassle to take the time to spell it out for me. I guess I could understand that. He must be annoyed that his boyfriend is so utterly blind.

So when I got home, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods. What made it even worse was that I had absolutely nothing to do. I basically sat at my desk and drove myself crazy. I attempted practicing my shodou, but I had trouble keeping the brush steady and it just got tiring. I decided I needed to relax, and collect my thoughts so I could try to drive away the vaguely unsettled feeling I was having. So I decided to sit on my floor and meditate.

Once again, I had trouble concentrating. And, once again, meditating made things worse. But you'll never guess why.

Since I was struggling, I started trying to think of beautiful things again, like Grandfather said to do. I was pondering falling snow again (I always seem to go back to that image), which was perfectly logical, since I'd been watching it last night and everything had been so peaceful then. It was working very nicely. I've gotten pretty good at this technique, so when I'd pondered that image for a substantial amount of time, my mind automatically switched to another image.

As often happens when one is meditating, I'd sort of lost myself in my own thoughts. But sometimes I'll get stuck a little, and need to more consciously think of something else to dwell on. So I suddenly realized what I had been thinking about, and I nearly jumped a foot in the air.

I'd been thinking about Atobe.

The image that had come to mind was what had happened in the park a week ago, when I'd chased him and tackled him to the ground. That picture of him lying in the snow, flushed and panting, his sparkling eyes staring straight up into mine…

This realization was doing nothing for how unsettled I was feeling. The last thing I wanted to think about tonight was Atobe, especially after what happened this evening with Yukimura. I shouldn't think about someone I'm inexplicably attracted to, not when I should be focused on what I should be doing for my boyfriend.

So, as calmly as I could, I got into a comfortable position again and started to think about Yukimura. After all, he's very beautiful, so it seemed to me like it should work.

About a minute later, I found myself thinking about Atobe again.

I refocused, this time trying to think of the snow, like I had been before… My mind switched to Atobe. I tried to think of cherry blossoms… Atobe. Stars… Atobe. Waterfalls… Atobe. Yukimura again… Atobe.

Atobe, Atobe, Atobe.

It was incredibly frustrating.

I finally just gave up. I stood up and walked around my room a little. Even though I was done meditating, the image was still lingering in my mind somewhat. And after a few minutes, I was starting to _really _wish I'd gone home with Yukimura.

Something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to think about Atobe. I don't want to have anything to do with Atobe. I want Yukimura. I'm never going to change my mind about that. So why am I having so much trouble focusing on Yukimura? Why can't I do that one simple thing?

It seems like before these past two months, when I inexplicably started seeing more of Atobe again, everything was fine. But now everything seems strange and uncertain. Why is that? I can't get over this feeling that it's all connected somehow. I wish I'd never seen Atobe again. I wish I could go back to when it was just me and Yukimura, when nothing was distracting me, and when he had no secrets, and we were happy.

Damn you, Atobe. Get out of my head.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月２日金曜日**

**Friday, February 2nd**

I couldn't concentrate at all today.

It was pathetic, really, because even on days when my mind is somewhere else, I'm usually alert enough to able to keep up some kind of self-aware front. But today, I was so lost in my own thoughts that I couldn't even keep track of what was going on around me. My English teacher asked me a question during class, and I had no idea what he said, so for once in my educational career, I didn't know the answer. He made some kind of comment to the effect of, "Even if you're a gifted student, Atobe-kun, that doesn't excuse you from paying attention in class." I would have been annoyed, but in all honesty, I was still too disoriented to do anything except ask him to repeat the question. Of course, I got it right, once I knew what he had been asking…

But it was still rather embarrassing. And for the first time that I can remember, I could actually hear some of my classmates snickering behind my back about it.

Then there was lunchtime, which wasn't nearly as uncomfortable… But I still couldn't focus on the conversation for very long, and that resulted in all kinds of comments from my friends about how "spaced out" and "out of it" I looked. So I eventually excused myself from the room, saying that I would see them all later, and I went up onto the rooftop to try to sort out my thoughts. Honestly, I didn't even know why I was acting like that, so I decided that a few minutes to myself might help me concentrate for the rest of the day.

It didn't work.

The truth is that I wasn't exactly sure what was on my mind in the first place… Of course, I was still trying to figure out the whole situation with Yukimura and Sanada, but that had been on my mind all week long, without disrupting my concentration so badly that I had made a fool of myself. In fact, my concentration is normally the poorest during the very first day after one of those bizarre setups, and then I slowly forget about it and move on with my life. But this time, it seems to have worked in the exact opposite way… The more that time goes by, the more I find myself worrying about what is really going on. The strange thing is that I don't actually recall trying to think through the situation during class, but somehow, my mind was wandering then anyway.

It's quite frustrating, honestly. I don't know what is going on with Sanada and Yukimura, and I don't know what is wrong with me, and I'm just going in circles instead of getting any solid answers to my questions.

In any case, I didn't actually get the privilege of having the rest of lunch period to myself, because it wasn't very long before I had a visitor. As it turned out, though, it was perhaps the most comforting thing that happened to me all day long…

Which is particularly ironic, given that my visitor happened to be Oshitari.

He came up onto the rooftop, and he stood beside me and asked me if there was something going on that I wasn't telling anyone about. I have to admit, even after knowing him for almost three years, I'm always surprised at how perceptive he can be when he tries. So I finally admitted that there _was_ something going on, but as I pointed out, I wasn't going to tell him about it if I had already decided not to mention it in the first place. He chuckled a little at that, and said that he understood. I was a little surprised that he didn't press the issue, since he had apparently bothered to come all the way up to the rooftop to ask me about it.

But then he said the strangest thing: "Take care of yourself, Atobe."

Well, of course I did a double-take, and I couldn't help asking him what he meant by that. He just shrugged, and then he said that everyone had noticed the way I was acting lately, and that they were all worried about me. He said that he figured someone should tell me about it. And then he pointed out that I have a tendency to get in over my head in certain situations (which is true), and that they didn't want to see me get hurt again. He said that they all wanted me to know that, even though they didn't know how to bring it up without offending me.

I didn't know what to say. I was stunned.

No, to be perfectly honest, I was touched.

In fact, I almost blurted out the whole situation right there, simply because I was so bewildered by such a kind gesture. But I caught myself just in time, and I just said that of course I wasn't offended, and that it was very kind for them to think of me.

Oshitari just laughed again, in that amused way of his, and said that it was nothing. And then he added, "You're always so surprised by kindness, Atobe."

And then he straightened his glasses and left.

It really is strange, how perceptive Oshitari can be sometimes. I suppose that I _am_ unusually surprised whenever my friends go out of their way to be kind to me, but the truth is that I'm not used to being treated with kindness. After all, why should I be? As I already mentioned during that night when I went to Sanada's house, I spend all of my time trying to hide my own feelings and make it seem like I'm invincible. Such a person doesn't have any need for kindness, at least in the eyes of others. And so the things that I have come to expect instead are criticism, envy, and even hatred. It may sound like a horrible situation, but when you don't expect anything else, it is actually a very safe way to keep yourself from being hurt. And by remaining my own biggest fan, it goes without saying that I don't run the risk of my biggest fan eventually losing interest in me.

Of course, it is only recently that I have started to feel how empty such a lifestyle can be.

In any case, the visit from Oshitari was a very welcome change of events during the day, and I felt much better after that conversation. I still had trouble focusing for the rest of my classes, but I was strangely calm by the time that I returned home. And I have been spending most of my evening sitting here at my desk, writing through this journal entry and pausing every few minutes to let my thoughts wander. As the hours go by, I find myself thinking more and more about the situation with Sanada, and wondering about what is going to happen to him when he finds out what Yukimura is planning. Like I mentioned yesterday, this truly does worry me, even though I'm not exactly sure why.

And so I think that I have come to a resolution. I am going to spend every waking moment trying to figure out what is going on, and if I can finally reach a conclusion, I am going to warn him about it. After all, I still regret that I didn't tell him anything on Sunday, even if he wouldn't have believed me. So I am going to figure it out as best as I can, and then I am going to give him a call and tell him. It will probably take hours to thoroughly eliminate all of my illogical assumptions and come to some kind of final answer, but if I can do it, it might mean that I will finally be able to concentrate again…

Besides, if I am truly grateful for the kindness that I have been shown, it is the least that I can do to try to show kindness to someone else, no matter how it may be misinterpreted.

And yet, somehow, I still have this vaguely foreboding feeling, as though all of this might come to nothing in the end…

But that is just my usual tendency for being melodramatic, after all, and I have every reason to ignore such an illogical assumption.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月３日土曜日**

**Saturday, February 3rd **

Betrayal.

That's what it is: complete and utter betrayal. Being stabbed in the back by someone you love more than anything else in the world. That's exactly what it feels like. People toss that phrase around lightly, when they don't even know what it means, or how it would really feel.

But I do.

That feeling doesn't come when someone does something behind your back. It doesn't come when they talk badly about you, or put you down. Or when they don't stand up for you in front of someone else. Or even when they hide things from you and lie to you. No, the feeling of being "stabbed in the back" only comes when the person you love the most is willing to rip your heart out of your chest and slice it into a thousand pieces, right in front of your face.

The phone's ringing again. I know it's him, and I'm not going to answer it.

Why is it that, on days like this, when something horrible happens, everything starts out normal? It's not fair. It seems like there should be a warning of some sort before disaster strikes. But there's always a disarming calm before the storm.

Everything was fine during the day. Yukimura seemed maybe a little uncomfortable around me, but that was understandable after last night. I felt a little awkward too. Not to mention the fact that he seemed somewhat distracted by something all day, and it only got worse as classes drew close to finishing. Now, I guess, I know what that thing was.

I wanted to talk to him about last night, so after school got out, I lingered by his desk and watched him pack up his things. But he didn't even seem to notice that I was there. I waited for a few minutes, but I knew that I didn't even know what I was going to say. Finally, I got frustrated and blurted out, "Should I just go?"

He looked up at me then, kind of confused, like he wasn't sure what to say. But then he sighed and tried to smile and said, "See you on Monday, Sanada."

That hurt.

If things hadn't gotten worse after that, I probably would be spending this entry talking about how it made me feel when he said that. But now it hardly even seems significant.

I turned around and left without saying goodbye. I was angry. But I'm not sure I can say that I was angry at him. I still felt like an idiot for not knowing what to do. I just wished I could fix everything. I hate it when I can't fix things. I hate it when things are out of my control, and I hate that I feel like an idiot for not being able to solve my own problems.

I was walking rather quickly past a lot of people, but they were all wearing the blue Rikkai uniform, and most of them were going the same direction that I was. That's why I stopped dead in my tracks when my slightly down-turned eyes fell upon a pair of black pants and tennis shoes coming towards me. I looked up.

It was Tezuka.

I was stunned for a moment. He didn't seem surprised, though, or even like anything was out of the ordinary. He just said, very calmly, "Oh, Sanada. I'm glad I ran into you. Can you tell me where Yukimura is?"

That bastard.

I was too stunned to even ask why he needed to know. I just sputtered out our classroom number, he said thank you, and then he just walked on by. I stood there for a while, trying to comprehend what had just happened, but unable to. Then I realized that I must have looked like a complete moron standing in the middle of the courtyard like that. So I kept walking, a little slower this time so I could think.

The only thing I wanted to know was why Tezuka was even there. I spent a lot of time trying to figure that out. But I didn't get very far, distance-wise; I kept stopping and wondering if I should go back. I just had this horrible feeling, not unlike the one I had when we went to the aquarium on Sunday.

Then I remembered the phone call I'd heard Yukimura making on Tuesday. I'd completely forgotten about it. I'd overheard him talking to someone, and heard him say, "See you on Saturday." Then he'd told me that it had been his mother.

He lied to me. He'd been talking to Tezuka.

I started to walk back. I couldn't decide whether I was going to spy on them to see what was going on, or burst into the room and demand why Yukimura had lied to me. I figured I'd know by the time I got there.

But then I stopped again. It dawned on me that either action would be very rude, and Yukimura might never forgive me. Or, if I spied and he never found out, I'd have to live with the guilt of not being honest with him. And then I couldn't talk to him about it anyway, because then he'd know that I'd spied, and he would never forgive me.

I sighed and turned around, trying to further rationalize my decision. Yukimura said he'd always love me. Tezuka isn't that kind of guy. Nothing was going on. Besides, Tezuka had confronted me directly and asked where Yukimura was. If he'd been doing something wrong, he probably would have avoided me or lied to me and asked to see someone else. And those two don't even talk to each other much, as far as I know, so what could really be going on?

Well, as far as I knew, anyway…

And then I started wondering why they were meeting in the first place. I thought through the phone call again. I couldn't remember all of it, but I did remember Yukimura saying something about having to hide something from someone… Was he talking about me?

I turned back towards the school again. Then I decided it would be better to ask him about it later, and turned back around. Then I told myself that Yukimura shouldn't keep secrets from me, and I was going to walk into that room and make them talk in front of me. There should be nothing Yukimura can say to Tezuka that he can't say to his own boyfriend. So I went back towards school. But then I decided I'd call him tonight instead. So I turned and kept walking towards the train station.

Besides, nothing was going on…

I'd convinced myself of that, so I was comfortable walking for a little while. But when I was about five blocks away from school, I remembered something, and stopped.

I'd forgotten to give him my usual kiss.

Looking back, I suppose it didn't matter. I even tried to take a few more steps, but all I could think about was how much I needed that kiss, that assurance that everything was still the same. I've given him a kiss every single day after school for the past five months. I thought that if I could just go back there and do that, I'd be able to keep something horrible from happening.

I took off running, all the way back to school. I ran through the courtyard, up the stairs, and down the hallway, hoping, _praying_ that I could still make sure everything was okay.

I was too late.

I threw open the door to the classroom, and there they were…

Kissing.

Tezuka Kunimitsu was kissing Yukimura. _My _Yukimura.

Words just aren't enough.

Of course, I only saw it for less than a second, because they both turned at the sound of the door opening. But it doesn't matter. That image will be forever burned in my memory.

It was the moment when my heart was broken by the only person I ever truly cared about.

Yukimura could tell, of course. He looked horrified. And then he started to say something; he said, "Let me explain," but I didn't want to hear it. So I ran. I knew that I simply didn't want to know. I didn't care. It didn't matter what his explanation was; the damage had been done.

And that's why I'm still not going to answer the phone.

Stop calling me, damn it. I can't talk to you right now.

I swear, if I didn't know that my parents would kill me, I'd throw my stupid phone against the wall and watch it break into a thousand pieces. Before _I_ do…

Anyway, I ran all the way to the train station. A hundred people must have looked at me like I was either crazy or a purse-snatcher. I didn't care. I just ran faster. I knew that if I slowed down, I'd probably break down and cry. I didn't want that to happen until I got home.

When I got to the station, luckily there was a train already waiting there. I got on and stood as close as I could to a window. I didn't sit, even though there were seats available; I didn't want anyone across the aisle to be staring at my face when I felt like I had to twist it into an ugly frown just to hold it together. I glared out the window, trying to stay as stiff as possible, still worried that I might start to cry if any muscle in my body relaxed even slightly.

I got off the train and ran all the way home. When I got inside my house, I didn't even announce myself. I just went straight to my room. But then, for some reason, I couldn't cry anymore, even though I'd had such a hard time trying not to before. So I just sat down at my desk and laid my head in my arms, and tried to sort out my feelings.

I haven't been out of my room since. I didn't want dinner. I'm not hungry. My mother told me through the door when it was time to eat, but I told her I didn't want any, and she hasn't bothered me since. She probably has some idea what happened; I think Yukimura called our home number when he couldn't reach me through my cell. I'm not sure why Mother didn't tell me I had a phone call. She must have guessed that I didn't want to talk to him.

God, I love her. How does she always know?

I should talk to her about all of this, but for some reason, I really don't want to talk to her right now. Somehow it seems like she might make it harder. I know she'd tell me what I should do about all of this, and I will need that later. But right now I don't want to do anything about it until I've calmed down, and can understand what I'm feeling.

I truly want to die right now.

Maybe that's being over-dramatic. I don't really give a damn. Besides, it's not like I'm going to do something stupid and kill myself or anything; I know better than that. But I can say honestly that if the United States decided to drop another atomic bomb on Japan right now, I'd be the first to sign up for the explosive's official welcoming committee.

Excuse my cynicism.

There are a million questions on my heart right now, every one of them stabbing into me like a piece of broken glass. But there's only one question I can seem to put into words; or rather, in a single word:

Why?

Why did this happen? Why did he do this to me? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to be this way?

Why did he break my heart like that?

I'll never fall in love again. I'll never trust anyone again. It's not worth it. None of this is worth it. I'd rather die.

I think that very few people understand what it's like to actually have your heart broken. People say that happens when they get rejected by someone they have a crush on, but that's nothing compared to the way it is when you've actually invested something in the person. When you've been with them for not just five months, but really three years, and when everything had just fallen into place and they were always by your side and you were always by theirs. When you've given them everything: your first confession, your first kiss, your virginity, your undying love, all of your time and energy, and, in a way, your life.

And then they betray you like this.

Why?

I suppose he didn't mean to break my heart, right in front of me like that. He didn't mean for me to know about it. But somehow that makes it even worse. First of all, that he thought I was so stupid that he could make it that obvious, and I still wouldn't know. And second of all, that he couldn't just tell me honestly that he didn't love me anymore…

Then again, maybe he tried.

I am such an idiot. That's what he was trying to do, wasn't it? All this time, he's been trying to tell me that he doesn't want me anymore. That he doesn't like how I treat him, that he wants something more than what I give him. I mean, I guess he never meant that he didn't love me, and he kept saying that he did…

I guess he just didn't mean what I thought he meant, when he kept saying that. He must love me more like a friend than a boyfriend… And that's why he felt he could safely say that he always will.

This sucks.

I don't want it to be like this. I'd rather him hate me, honestly. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but it's true. Then I could be angry with him. But I can't be as angry with him now, if he was trying to tell me… I am such an idiot; I _let_ this happen. How could I let this happen? I was trying so hard…

Then again, he really didn't make it fair. I still don't understand how I could have helped this. Why didn't he just tell me? I would have done anything he asked, just as long as I knew he would never cheat on me…

He cheated on me.

Oh, god, that hurts.

The worst part about this is that I feel like he had every right to cheat on me. I don't deserve him. So of course I couldn't cheat on him, but I should have known he would end up cheating on me. He'd be happier with someone like Tezuka anyway.

Honestly… why can't I just die right now?

Perhaps I should have gotten all the facts. I don't know how long this has been going on; this instance very well could have been the first time it happened. But if it wasn't… I couldn't bear to hear the whole story. I guess that's why I didn't ask. I didn't want to hear my worst fears confirmed.

But even if it was the first time, it still wouldn't matter. He was still kissing Tezuka. He had his arms around him, for heaven's sake. It certainly didn't look like I would have found Tezuka with a red mark on his cheek if I'd come in a second or so later. No, Yukimura did not look like he was planning on hitting Tezuka any time soon. He looked more like he would have rather kissed him forever…

I feel kind of sick.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'd better just go to bed, even though it's only eight o'clock or so. Hopefully Yukimura will stop calling me; otherwise that damn ringing is going to keep me up all night.

Or, if I wasn't such an idiot, I'd turn off my phone…

I really hate myself sometimes. Could I be any stupider? Why didn't I think of that?

Anyway, now that it's off, I can be truly alone. With my thoughts, and with my broken heart.

I meant it when I said I'd never recover if something like this happened. A huge part of me just died today, and the person that I love is probably hardly even mourning.

No, he'd rather be kissing Tezuka Kunimistu.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月３日土曜日**

**Saturday, February 3rd**

Something is horribly wrong.

That is the single thought that I just can't seem to get out of my mind, even though I shouldn't have any logical reason for feeling this way. But between a sudden realization and the hollow sound of a voice mail message, I can't help worrying that something truly terrible has already happened, and that I am too late to prevent it.

I finally figured out what Yukimura is trying to do.

I don't know why I couldn't see it before… It's so hopelessly _simple_. I was thinking about the situation all day at school, but I couldn't get any further with it than I had in the past. And I was so frustrated by the time that I was on my way home in the limousine, that I finally started to try to pick apart my own assumptions about this problem, one by one.

After all, I had already stopped assuming that Sanada and Yukimura's relationship is as perfect as it looks. And that had finally given me a clearer picture of why Yukimura might be trying to come up with some sort of underhanded scheme, the kind of thing that he wouldn't want Sanada to know about. So I decided that if I could just get rid of the rest of my preconceived notions about the both of them, I should have been able to come up with an answer.

The answer came when I finally stopped assuming that Yukimura still wanted Sanada to be his boyfriend.

To me, of course, that seems absolutely ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with Sanada, other than perhaps a certain inability to be eloquent during conversations. No, Sanada would obviously make a wonderful boyfriend, and I still have no idea why Yukimura would want to break up with him, other than the fact that he appears to be a sick and twisted individual.

But that's just it. He _wants_ to break up with him.

He's trying to set Sanada up with me, so that they won't have to be a couple anymore. He's hoping that Sanada will become interested enough in me to decide to end his relationship with Yukimura. He just didn't want to break up with Sanada himself, so he is trying to con Sanada into doing it first, so that he won't be the one to get blamed for ending the relationship.

That bastard.

It's not a test at all. He's just trying to get rid of him. It's just that revolting way that those kind of people have, that smug little apology that says, "Oh well, I couldn't possibly love you, but I hope that we can still be _friends_, because naturally I still think the world of you. And I would never, ever want to hurt you, of course. That would be beneath me."

It's the same rotten lie that I was told once, except that this one is going to come after five months of stringing Sanada along in a relationship, and after constantly torturing him with that feeling that he'll never be good enough to hold on to the one person that he has learned to love. Naturally, Yukimura believes that this is the only way to do it, and the best way to keep from hurting Sanada, and that everything will all work out in the end, even if it won't…

I suppose that is exactly why Tezuka wanted to help Yukimura with his sick little plan. He's had _experience_ with unwanted admirers, after all.

I almost cannot believe how angry all of this is making me feel.

It's just like when someone tells you that "this hurts me more than it hurts you." It's a lie, of course, but it takes the blame away from them. And that's all those kind of people care about. After all, it proves that they have nothing but "good intentions," right, Tezuka?

Well, the path to hell is full of good intentions, so I hope that they help you both on your journey to meet the devil.

Besides, it doesn't matter how good a person's intentions are, if the plan that they devise is still a complete mess of reckless decisions. Just because Yukimura was overly anxious to get rid of his _burden_, it doesn't mean that he can pawn Sanada off on the next person that happens to walk by. I may find Sanada attractive, and I may even think that he would make a perfect boyfriend, the kind of companion that I would give absolutely anything to call my own. So even though I have already decided that I will not fall in love with him, it might make some sense that Yukimura would think that I would be a good candidate for this horribly misguided plot. But there is something that even this well-intentioned individual forgot to consider…

There is no way in hell that Sanada Genichiroh would ever love me. In fact, he _hates_ me. That is extremely difficult for me to admit, but it's true. There is only one person that he is in love with, and that person is already his boyfriend. And he is much too loyal to give someone else so much as a second glance.

That is why Yukimura's plan could never work.

Of course, it probably seemed like a perfect idea at the time, and it certainly would have freed him from the trouble of having to tell Sanada to his face that he didn't want to be with him any longer. But the only way that Yukimura would have been blameless in this situation is if he had decided to be honest and tell Sanada exactly why he wanted to end their relationship. Clearly, honesty was far too much to ask from that picture-perfect saint. Or the slightest bit of courage, for that matter… Or even something resembling a decent amount of respect, for someone that I am sure he would claim to care about.

Well, even if no one else is going to be honest in this situation, _I_ will.

That was something of my thought train, in any case, when I finally got up the courage to dial Sanada's cell phone number to warn him. It was still early in the evening, and I knew that he probably would have been at home by then, but I didn't have his home phone number. Besides, he had used his cell phone during that one time when he called me, so I figured that he would still pick up.

The call went straight to his voice mail.

I tried again, but the same thing happened. I even tried a third time, even though I knew by that point what was wrong.

He had turned his cell phone off.

I don't know why that makes me feel so nervous. I don't know anything about his usual cell phone habits… Perhaps he always turns it off at night. After all, his teammates would probably have his home phone number, and he doesn't seem like the type of person who would be constantly getting phone calls anyway.

But I still have this horrible feeling that something is wrong.

I left a message on his voice mail after my third attempt, even though I was feeling rather embarrassed by this point. He's probably going to think I'm a certifiable nutcase when he finds it. Especially because I have absolutely no idea what I said… I _think_ I stammered out something along the lines of, "Hello, Sanada. This is Atobe. I had something I wanted to tell you, so please call me back when you get this."

I sounded like such an idiot.

Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. This isn't my problem. It isn't even any of my business, even though Yukimura insisted on getting me involved in this ridiculous situation. What am I going to tell him when he calls me back, anyway? "I was thinking about all of these stupid things that keep happening, and I think your boyfriend is trying to get rid of you"? He'll never, ever believe me.

He'll never believe me, and yet here I am, sitting with my cell phone right next to me and expecting it to ring at any minute, even though it probably never will. He doesn't want to talk to me, and he never will. Why would he even bother to call me back? He'll probably find out that Yukimura wants to break up with him on his own, and then he certainly won't have any reason to talk to me ever again.

I feel like such a fool.

Why can't I just stop worrying about it? It's not any of my business.

But then why does it feel like it is?

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月４日日曜日**

**Sunday, February 4th **

You'll never guess where I am right now. I'm in Atobe Keigo's private parlor, sitting on his couch, writing in my journal in an attempt to keep myself from eavesdropping. Atobe's in the next room yelling at someone over the phone, presumably Tezuka, who goodness knows deserves it…

I don't even know how I got here.

Maybe if I write through it, I can figure it out. Though it's a little hard to concentrate… I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. And the few sporadic hours I did happen to doze off, I had nightmares and kept waking up in a cold sweat. So I stayed in bed most of the morning. I thought if I could just get a few comfortable hours of sleep, I'd be able to deal with everything that's been going on, maybe even work up the courage to talk to Yukimura…

No such luck. I couldn't sleep at all. Not even after the sun was up, when it seemed like the worst part of the night should have been over…

Eventually I got up and went for a run. But that activity only lasted me until lunch, at which point I felt like I was just about ready to collapse. Lunch was incredibly awkward; I had to force myself to eat, even though I still didn't feel like it. But I figured that if just a few hours of jogging had nearly done me in, I needed to eat _something_. And I felt like my family was trying to be extra careful around me, which made me feel worse, even though I was incredibly grateful that they weren't asking questions. So it was a horribly quiet and awkward meal.

After lunch, I tried to think of something that would keep me occupied for a while. So I thought of the only thing I've always been able to do consistently for hours on end: practice tennis. It seemed like the perfect idea, too. When you're frustrated, nothing feels better than smacking small objects with a racquet as hard as you can against a concrete wall.

There's been too much snow lately to play tennis outside; all of the courts are either covered with snow or water. Besides, it's too cold to want to play outside anyway. So I decided to find an indoor court somewhere. We have some at school, but I knew the team would be practicing today, so of course I couldn't intrude. The only other indoor courts I happened to know of were in Tokyo. I could have looked up more in my area, but I figured a long train ride would be another good way to waste time.

As I was packing my tennis bag, making sure I had everything I needed, it occurred to me that it might be a good idea to bring my journal. I thought that hitting tennis balls might clear my mind a bit, and maybe if I started thinking more clearly, I would want to write down my thoughts. So I grabbed my journal off my desk and stuck it in my bag. After finding a change of clothes to bring, I told my mother where I was going and left.

When I got to the courts, I rented a basket of balls and went to hit against the wall. No one else was there, which I found a little odd. Usually, there are plenty of people who want to use indoor courts, especially when the weather demands it. I guess it was just one of those dreary days where no one feels like doing anything (there was a thick cloud cover all day, which was also doing nothing for my mood).

All sorts of thoughts were going through my mind as I hit. It turned out that it _did _clear my mind, but I kind of wish it hadn't. The more clearly I was able to think about what happened, the more hurt and angry I felt. It seemed like I couldn't hit the balls hard enough, and I felt like I kept making stupid mistakes. (That's what I hate about hitting against a wall: every single shot you hit is returned. The imaginary "point" doesn't end until you make a mistake, so it's either boring, exhausting, or frustrating, or some combination of the three. And the wall always wins.) After a while, I just wanted to throw down my racquet in frustration.

But I didn't stop thinking about what happened. I really wanted to face my problem and deal with my emotions. Somehow, though, I wasn't quite able to come to terms with everything. Thinking about it seemed to make it worse. Then, for some reason, my focus switched halfway onto what I was doing, and my mind started remembering all the times I'd lost to Yukimura in tennis. I kept thinking how he was too good for me after all, that I wasn't even on his level, that he was probably bored with me and wanted someone who might actually be able to beat him someday, like Tezuka…

Honestly, at that point I don't really know what I was thinking. I probably should have stopped playing and gone home, since it just seemed to be making things worse. But somehow, I couldn't stop. I just kept hitting, ball after ball, harder and harder, trying desperately to make it hurt less.

And then the unthinkable happened.

I heard a voice slightly behind me ask, "What are you doing here?"

I jumped a little, recognizing the voice instantly. I don't know whether or not Atobe noticed that I was startled, but I tried to play it cool. I answered that I was practicing and hit another ball.

Much like other times I've run into Atobe, he was the last person I'd wanted to see at that moment in time. And I mean that; I would have rather seen _Tezuka _than him. Sure, that seems harsh to say, but I have a good reason. Because, as soon as I heard his voice, I'd remembered something that I'd said to him, not too long ago:

"At least I have a boyfriend."

So much for that.

Let's be honest. That's the only thing I really had over Atobe: someone who loved me and was always there for me. That's the one thing I had that he didn't, the one thing I could brag about, the one thing that made me feel better whenever he got the best of me. But not anymore. Sure, Yukimura hasn't broken up with me yet, but what does it matter? It's worse than that: he cheated on me. He broke my heart in the worst way I could possibly imagine. Instead of telling me directly that he wanted to end our relationship, he went behind my back as if I wasn't even worth telling.

I was positive that Atobe was going to throw that right back in my face when I told him.

After all, I imagined that he hadn't forgotten the comment about having a boyfriend. I'm sure he wasn't too happy about it either. I was sure that he was going to laugh at me out loud. I thought he would say that I'd gotten exactly what I deserved.

And what made it painful is that he would have been right.

I'd hit the ball a little too hard, and it bounced off the wall and into the far court. Atobe commented that what I was doing "didn't look much like practice." I gripped my racket tighter and snapped at him, asking what he wanted. I didn't really get an answer. He could tell that I was upset, obviously, so he asked if I was alright. It frustrated me that he wasn't answering my question, and was instead demanding an explanation from me about my apparent bad mood. So I asked him why in the hell he would care. Because, by all rights, he shouldn't. Not a lot of people I know do, and he should be the last person on earth to care about someone like me.

He responded to that by saying that I was scaring him, and said, "I've never seen you this upset." I really didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want to tell him; I didn't want to talk about it at all. But he inched closer and asked if something had happened.

I was getting really angry. I just wanted him to leave so I could be alone again. And I definitely didn't want to tell him anything. So I made an excuse, saying that he'd laugh at my pain and say it served me right. And that's exactly what I expected. Even right then, I expected him to snicker a little and become suddenly more interested. But instead he said, "No, I wouldn't."

I was a little stunned. He looked very serious; there was no sign of his usual smirk or flippant attitude. That was the last thing I'd expected, so much so that I hardly believed what I was hearing. I asked him to repeat himself. He said, "I wouldn't laugh at you. You don't have to tell me, but don't ever think that I'd laugh at something like that."

I was dumbfounded. First of all, that he said he wasn't going to laugh. Whatever happened to the Atobe I saw laughing sadistically as he tried to destroy someone's tennis career? I thought for sure that he'd laugh at me, too, when he found out that something I'd taken so much pride in had been taken away from me.

But I guess what really got me was the fact that he said I didn't have to tell him. It made me _want _to tell him. I know that shouldn't make any sense… But just knowing that he understood that I might not want to tell him made me think that he might understand everything else.

Still, I was a little wary. After all, Atobe didn't know what I was going to say. Once he found out what it was that I was upset about, how did I know he wasn't going to laugh? I wanted him to prove it.

I grabbed a few more tennis balls and started hitting again. I thought it would be easier to hide my emotions from him if I had something to do while I explained what had happened. Then I told him as simply as I could that I'd caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He wanted me to explain, so I said I'd seen him kissing Tezuka. Naturally, he sounded shocked, and asked when that had happened. I answered, yesterday.

He was quiet for a minute or so. I was starting to feel angry again. I kept waiting for him to say something horrible, or even burst out laughing.

But he didn't.

As I was swinging back for another forehand, I suddenly felt my racquet being removed from my grasp. I turned to glare at him. He returned my stare and said, "Pack up. You're coming over to my house."

Who is he to tell me what to do? I didn't want to go anywhere with him; I just wanted to be alone. I asked him why I should listen to him and tried to get my racquet back, but he was somehow successful in keeping it away from me. I was tired. Tired physically from getting no sleep and practicing too hard, and completely exhausted emotionally. I didn't have the energy to argue with him or force him to return my racquet. And he said I didn't have a choice anyway. So I gave up. I sighed and followed him out of the building without even bothering to pick up the tennis balls. I couldn't have cared less.

We didn't really talk on the way here. The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of him. Luckily, he didn't ask any questions, even though I expected him to. I figured it was just a matter of time before he started interrogating me.

He'll probably ask a ton of questions when he comes back in here.

What am I going to say to him? Maybe I should just tell him that I don't want to talk about it. But he probably won't be satisfied with that. He'll probably demand that I tell him more. And I'm still too tired to argue. I might as well just tell him what he wants to know. Just as long as I can manage not crying.

Why is he doing this, anyway? It seems like he's trying to be _nice_ to me. When we got here, he had me sit down and said to "make myself at home." Then he asked me if he could get me anything, and made sure I was comfortable before he went to make his phone call.

He's acting _concerned._

It all just seems so unlike him, or at least unlike the him that I know. But like I said, I don't have the energy to argue, much less try to figure him out. So if he's going to be this nice to me, even if it's just an act, I might as well just enjoy it. Worst case scenario, he'll demand some sort of payback later, and I don't really care at this point.

Anyway, it's getting late; I probably won't be here much longer. I can always make the excuse that I need to go home.

He sounds like he's almost done with his phone call. He stopped yelling a while ago, and he's been talking pretty quietly since.

I wonder what they're talking about. I'm sure Tezuka made up all sorts of excuses. Well… maybe not; it's Tezuka. He'll probably "take full responsibility for his actions," or some other noble-sounding thing like that.

He's still a bastard. No amount of "responsibility" can fix what he's done to me.

I should put this away, before Atobe comes back and asks me what the hell I'm doing. I don't have the energy to explain my journal-keeping habits. I also don't have the energy to write anymore.

And I still don't quite know how I got here.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月４日日曜日**

**Sunday, February 4th**

It has been a very long day.

I hardly know where to begin, or how to explain the situation in which I currently find myself, but I suppose that I shall have to start at the beginning, even though I am strongly tempted to skip ahead to the end.

Well, I woke up this morning in another cold sweat, after having a dream that can best be described as bizarre. I had been dreaming that I was standing behind a chain link fence, looking down into the tennis court that was spread before me. And there was Sanada at the other end of the court, just like that time that I watched him play against Echizen Ryoma. I watched him play out a few points, but he seemed to be struggling through them, as though he was being consistently overpowered…

It was then that I noticed that his opponent wasn't Echizen. It was Tezuka.

And I was the only one watching.

Slowly, though, I came to realize that there must have been someone else there, because a certain silky-smooth voice was calling out the score after each point ended. And Sanada kept losing every point, even though it seemed like it should have been a fairly even match, and the scores kept getting called out one by one: "Love, fifteen." "Love, thirty." "Love, forty"…

Suddenly, I noticed that it was Yukimura who was sitting in the referee chair, his legs crossed, looking perfectly calm as he announced the score.

And Sanada kept losing every single point.

All I could do was stand there and watch, while Sanada kept diving for that terrible drop shot over and over, and every time that he got drawn into the Tezuka Zone, I wanted to yell out into the silence and warn him about it. But I couldn't say a word, and the point would always end, with Yukimura announcing the score in that devilishly calm voice of his… "Game, Tezuka. Four games to love."

And slowly, as the score headed toward that inevitable 6-0 conclusion, this scenario seemed to unravel into something even more disturbing. I started to think that _I_ was the tennis ball that they were hitting so hard, back and forth, over and over again… At least, it felt like it, because my whole body started to hurt with every stroke, and I had that horrible sensation of vertigo, like I was being tossed every which way. And Yukimura was still calling out the score, but he wasn't altogether calm about it anymore, and he was even starting to laugh in the most sadistic manner. And Sanada couldn't even move; he was on his knees, completely helpless, during that final point…

And Tezuka leaped up for a smash, and I was completely convinced that I was going to break apart at last, once his racquet finally made contact with the ball, or me, or whatever it was that he was about to completely destroy…

I woke up screaming, "Stop!" at the top of my lungs, and then I realized that the whole thing was just a dream.

It was one of the most disturbing dreams that I have ever had in my entire life.

Needless to say, I was extremely unsettled by it, and I started to wonder why in the world I had experienced such a bizarre nightmare. And I immediately thought of Sanada, and I crawled over to reach for my cell phone, which I had set on the nightstand next to my bed. But there were no missed calls on it (as I might have expected). And so I tried to figure out why in the world I would have such an odd dream. It couldn't have been a premonition, could it…? Well, I didn't really think so, but somehow, I couldn't get the nagging feeling off of my mind that maybe it was. And it seemed extremely strange that I would have had such a tennis-related dream now, of all times, when I had hardly even thought about tennis in over a month.

Then suddenly, the strangest thought occurred to me…

I should go to a tennis court.

I still have no idea why I thought that. After all, it didn't make the slightest bit of sense… Even if a tennis match had been part of my dream, that seemed to be the most irrelevant part of it, at least when it comes to what I had been thinking about during the previous night. But even so, I just couldn't shake that feeling, and so I decided that I would go to a tennis court as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I couldn't go right away… I had already committed to making an appearance during a brunch that my father was holding for some of his business associates. But as soon as I possibly could, I asked him if I might be excused to go play tennis. Of course, I don't think that he was amused by my request, but he smiled his customarily fake smile and said something to his guests like, "Well that's my son for you. He's always playing that tennis of his."

So I hurried upstairs, changed into one of my warm-up suits, grabbed my tennis bag, and rushed all the way back downstairs and out to my limo. It was the strangest thing… I felt almost as though I was going to be late for something, even though that was completely ridiculous. And I didn't even know where I should be going, but it did occur to me that all the outdoor courts would be covered in melting snow, and the Hyotei courts were probably being used by the tennis team… So I told my driver to go to a certain indoor recreation center downtown. And the longer that I sat there, thinking about what I was doing, the more ridiculous I realized that it was. Still, I can't say that I regretted it in any way… I hadn't exactly been enjoying myself at home, and it had been a long time since I had played tennis. So I decided that even though I was behaving like a lunatic, I would have a pleasant time anyway.

As it turned out, I didn't hit a single tennis ball.

I walked into the building and onto the courts, making my way toward the practice walls, since I didn't even have a practice partner. And then suddenly, I noticed that only other one person was there, in that entire recreation center.

That person was wearing a shockingly familiar navy-blue cap.

I felt as though my heart had shot right up into my throat; that is how astonished I was in that moment. But before I could even think about what I was doing, I felt myself walking right up to him. And the closer that I came, the more that I realized it…

Something was wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong.

He was hitting that tennis ball as though it had been responsible for the death of his entire extended family.

I felt a sort of knot forming in my stomach, whether from anticipation or concern I don't know, but I knew that I had to say something to him sooner or later. So I asked him what he was doing there. After all, this particular center was terribly far away from where he lives, and I still couldn't believe that he was really there. But the only reply that he gave me was that he was "practicing." He didn't seem to care even slightly that I was there, or even have the usual urge to ask why that was.

Meanwhile, he had hit another ball by this point, and it had been hit with such force that it flew into the court behind him. I have to admit, I cringed. And I couldn't help pointing out that it didn't look very much like practice…

He stopped, gripping his tennis racquet so tightly that his knuckles were white, and demanded to know what I wanted. I didn't really have a good answer for that question, because the only thing that I truly wanted was to know what had made him so upset. But that seemed rather presumptuous of me, so I started by asking him if he was alright. He then demanded to know why I would care.

I didn't have a good answer for that question, either.

So I nervously swallowed some of my pride and admitted that he was scaring me, and that I had never seen him so upset. This was nothing but the truth… He was so angry that his whole face looked completely rigid, and it almost seemed like he was some kind of cornered animal, ready to lash out at the next thing that dared to approach him. And even though I could see this for myself, and even though I should know better than to get involved in such situations, rather than run the risk of becoming someone's emotional punching bag…

Even so, I came closer to him. And I asked him what had happened.

As I might have expected, though, he continued to take out his frustration on me, and claimed that I would just laugh at his pain and say that it served him right… I have to admit, it actually hurt when he said that. Even though it wasn't true at all, it was painful to realize that he thought so little of me, that he would expect that I would do such a thing. And so I took a deep breath, and I told him that I would never do that. He didn't seem to understand, so I repeated it… I told him that he didn't have to tell me what was bothering him, but that I would never, ever laugh at something like that.

He didn't seem to believe me, but as he walked over to the ball basket, he suddenly blurted it out: "I caught my boyfriend cheating on me."

That familiar knot was forming in my stomach again… I had expected to hear something like that, but somehow, I couldn't believe that he had actually said it. It wasn't quite what I would have guessed that he was going to say, either… I expected something more like "My boyfriend just dumped me for no reason at all." And since this reply created more questions than it answered, I asked him what he meant by that.

"I saw him kissing Tezuka," he said.

I felt my mouth drop open.

I then stammered out the obvious question: "When did this happen?" Come to find out, it happened yesterday, presumably sometime during the afternoon. No wonder his cell phone had been turned off for the evening… He had been too angry to listen to any simpering, half-hearted apologies from his unfaithful boyfriend. I certainly can't say that I blame him. And so my warning would have come too late, after all…

I felt absolutely horrible for not telling him sooner.

We were both silent for a few minutes longer. He was still hitting the tennis ball up against the wall, with so much force that I thought he was going to put a crack in it. And something about the terrible noise of that ball smashing against the concrete reminded me of my dream, and I started cringing every time it hit the wall. And I was listening to that awful thudding sound, and then I suddenly realized something…

The last thing in the world that Sanada Genichiroh needed at that point in time was tennis.

In that moment, I completely forgot to keep my distance, so I simply walked right up to him and took the racquet out of his hand. And I told him to pack up, because he was coming over to my house. He tried to get the racquet back, if with a somewhat weaker display of effort than I would have expected from him, and he then demanded to know why he should have to visit my house. I told him that he didn't have a choice.

And it was true: he didn't have a choice. I wasn't going to let him stand there, hitting tennis balls like that, when every single stroke was only going to remind him of the boyfriend that had betrayed him.

He didn't put up much of a fight after that… In fact, he just sighed, picked up his tennis bag, and followed me to my limousine. The ride to my house was completely silent. Sanada seemed too tired at that point to say anything, and I was much too stunned by what he had told me to even attempt to carry on a conversation. But as time went on, my thoughts about the situation became more and more focused, and by the time that we arrived at my house, I was almost tense with anticipation. I led Sanada up to my front parlor, told him as kindly as I could to make himself comfortable, and then I went to pick up the phone in the next room, after carefully shutting the door behind me…

When Tezuka answered, I told him exactly what I thought about what I had just heard, with a generous amount of decibels and not nearly so many syllables.

Yes, I yelled at him.

It took a while for him to find the opportunity to get a word in edgewise, but once he did, he actually managed to refute some of my more outlandish accusations. ("I hope you were _enjoying_ yourself, lying on top someone else's boyfriend, you bastard!" etc., etc.) As it turned out, the situation wasn't nearly as bad as I had started to fear that it might be, at least if Tezuka was telling the truth. The first thing that he said was that it wasn't Yukimura's fault at all, which I found nearly impossible to believe, but he insisted that it was true. He told me that it had been entirely his fault, and that Yukimura was genuinely upset about it, and that he had been trying to call Sanada ever since it happened, but he wasn't answering his phone. (What a surprise.)

I then demanded to know how Yukimura could be so upset about the situation, if he had been fine with doing such a thing behind Sanada's back in the first place. And then Tezuka actually surprised me… He said something along the lines of, "He's not fine with it at all. It was the first time that anything happened between us, and I never even asked his permission. I just kissed him. I couldn't stop myself."

Apparently, Tezuka Kunimitsu has hormones, and they're out of control.

I think the world is finally coming to an end.

He went on to say that he truly regretted his actions, and that he took full responsibility for the situation, even though it was somewhat difficult to do so when no one was answering their cell phones. Well, that sounded exactly like Tezuka, so I have to admit that I calmed down a little. But then I told him plainly that what he was saying couldn't have been the whole truth, because it didn't explain why Yukimura had been deceiving Sanada for over a month.

And then Tezuka finally gave up. He told me everything.

He told me that Yukimura had been unhappy with the way that his relationship with Sanada had been going, and that he had come to believe that Sanada didn't actually love him in a romantic sense, but instead simply looked up to him and cared for him like a friend. At the same time, however, he felt that it would have been too difficult to explain to Sanada what was wrong between them, and too painful for Sanada if he simply broke up with him. So Yukimura had decided to show Sanada what he meant, by setting him up with someone that he believed Sanada was attracted to, in order to show him what the difference was between romance and friendship.

That someone was me.

I tried to point out that this was ridiculous, not to mention completely incorrect, but Tezuka didn't seem to hear what I said. He went on to say that he had become involved with this plan almost exactly when I had guessed that he had, toward the beginning of January when I told him about the Latin concert. He had called Yukimura to ask for an explanation a few days later, and Yukimura had asked for his help, because it was getting difficult to set up these little "coincidences" without some kind of connection to me. And so he had agreed, only to find out later how truly unhappy Yukimura was, and how worried he was about Sanada, and how much he genuinely believed that Sanada and I would be perfect for each other…

I have to admit, there was something in the way that Tezuka explained it, that made it almost painful to listen to.

For the first time, I could understand why Tezuka would believe that Yukimura had nothing but good intentions.

Still, I can't say that I was pleased with either of them, for playing around with someone's heart like that. So I told him that I had already figured out that it must have been something along those lines, and that Sanada was sitting in my front room looking absolutely devastated, all because of their perfect little plan. I then asked him coldly if he had anything else to say for himself, but he didn't reply. So I hung up the phone.

And then I took a deep breath, and walked back into my front parlor.

Sanada was just sitting there, completely resigned… He didn't look the least bit comfortable, and I felt almost desperate as I tried to think of something that I could do for him. I finally asked him if he wanted to talk about what had happened. He didn't seem very sure about it either way, so I pointed out that it might help if he did. But then the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm such an idiot."

I have to admit, I was almost indignant. The very idea that he would blame himself for this situation, when it was obviously Yukimura's fault and not his, was absolutely heart-wrenching.

How could he even think that?

I tried to argue by insisting that Yukimura was the one who had been deceiving him, but he just put his head in his hands, and said that if he wasn't such an idiot, he would have been able to stop this whole thing from happening. He said that Yukimura had even tried to tell him about it, but that he had been clinging to their relationship so stubbornly that he didn't want to listen to him. And then he said in a shaking voice that it was over now between them.

I knew that he was upset, but I never would have expected to see Sanada Genichiroh so obviously depressed. And so I started to speak more gently, and I said the last thing that I ever thought I would say…

"You could still work things out."

Of course, I don't like Yukimura at all, and I think that Sanada deserves someone who truly values him for the wonderful person that he is, unlike that ungrateful moron. But if their relationship meant so much to him, I couldn't help wanting him to be happy, no matter how unlikely the idea seemed to be. Sanada quickly dismissed it, however, saying that he could never do that, "not after this." I was a little surprised by such a direct assertion, so I asked him if it was because he couldn't forgive Yukimura for what he had done. But he said that it didn't matter if he could forgive him or not, because he obviously wasn't "enough for him."

So I told him that if it was true, then Yukimura was a fool.

I meant it. I've never meant anything more sincerely in my entire life. But I'm almost positive that he didn't believe a word of what I was saying. He didn't even respond, so I tried to explain myself a little. I told him that even if it didn't work out with Yukimura, everything was still going to be alright. And I told him that he would find someone else. I am still certain that he could find someone else in a heartbeat, if he really wanted to…

But then he told me that I didn't understand. He said that Yukimura was everything to him.

What could I possibly say to that?

I have never been in that kind of situation. I have never had someone so important in my life that I wouldn't have had the slightest idea of how to move on without them. I have never truly suffered from a broken heart.

Well, the long and short of it is that I _couldn't_ say anything to him. In fact, I was at a complete loss for words. So I finally offered to get him something to drink, and I left the room to get a glass of water. But by the time that I came back, his eyes were red, and he looked so tired that I almost expected him to fall face-first onto my coffee table.

And then I realized something. His eyes were red, which meant that he must have been crying.

Sanada Genichiroh had been _crying_.

I simply don't have the words to describe how that unexpected piece of knowledge made me feel, so I won't even try. But the next thing that I knew, I was asking him if he wanted to spend the night here. I suppose that must have sounded pretty ridiculous, and maybe even like I was trying to seduce him now that he was apparently available, but that was truly the farthest thing from my mind. I was terribly worried about him… Some small part of me was even scared that if I let him walk out of my front door, I might never see him again. I know Sanada Genichiroh isn't that reckless; he would probably say that committing suicide would have been a cowardly thing to do. But I almost felt like I _needed_ him to stay here, just for my own peace of mind.

He said no at first, of course, and tried to add that it would be too much trouble. But I wasn't going to let him get away with that, so I took both his hands in mine and insisted that it wasn't any trouble at all. And I led him right into my bedroom and told him that he could sleep in my bed, if he would just wait there while I got him something more comfortable to wear. He didn't argue after that, so I brought him an extra pair of pajamas, and then I went back into my closet so that we could both change.

By the time that I came back into the room, he looked as though he was ready to fall asleep standing up. It was still early in the evening, but it was obvious that he desperately needed the rest, so I told him to get into bed. At any other time, it would have been rather amusing to watch the way he had to crawl onto my huge mattress, but I was just glad that he seemed to get comfortable once he had worked his way under the blankets. I still had the strangest feeling like I didn't want to let him out of my sight, so I grabbed my journal and a pen so that I would have something to do, and I sat down right next to him.

It was strange, though… He asked me the oddest thing, by the time that I had started to write this entry…

"You keep a journal, too?"

I have to say, Sanada Genichiroh does not strike me as the type to keep a journal. (It seems like one of those self-indulgent activities that he would probably consider a waste of time.) But I told him that yes, I did keep a journal, and that I had been keeping one since I was six years old. I asked him if he really did keep one, and he said that he had just started to do it this year. I thought that this was a rather interesting piece of information, since he had only begun it so recently. I also mentioned offhandedly that I would probably need a new journal soon, since I've gone through more of these notebooks than I can count. He said something along the lines of "I believe it," and then he was quiet for a long time.

And as I write this, Sanada Genichiroh is lying next to me on my bed, fast asleep.

In some strange way, I have absolutely no idea how this happened.

Of course, I know that I insisted that Sanada should spend the night in my room, because I was so worried about him that I was afraid of what he might do if he left my house by himself. And I know that he came to my house in the first place because I told him to do it, when I found him at the tennis courts taking out his frustration on some hapless tennis balls. And I know that he was at a tennis court taking out his frustrations because Yukimura had betrayed him, by going behind his back and kissing Tezuka without even meaning to tell him about it, and because he believes that their relationship is over, even though he doesn't know how he is going to go on without Yukimura.

I know all of that.

What I don't know is why I can take just one look at Sanada's face while he sleeps, and feel as though my heart is melting into wax.

Oh, god…

I've been thinking about it for days. I have been trying to understand why it matters to me, whether or not Sanada gets hurt in this horrible situation. I have been trying to reason through the fact that I shouldn't feel responsible for what happens to him, even though I somehow feel like I am, no matter what my logic tells me. I have been struggling to comprehend why, even though I know that Sanada and I will never be a couple, I should feel so concerned about him that I would yell at Tezuka over the phone for giving him even the slightest reason to cry.

I have been trying desperately to ignore the truth, and I cannot do it any longer.

I promised myself that I would never let this happen…

I'm falling in love with Sanada Genichiroh.

I have never felt this way before, not about anyone, not even Tezuka. And I should be afraid for myself, for how badly I am going to get hurt, because I was so foolish as to let myself get in over my head like this. But in this moment, I hardly even care. I would never tell him how I feel, of course, because he would never return my feelings… I could never tell him how much I care about him, or how deeply I long to do everything that I possibly can for him, or how much I would love to stay like this forever, with him by my side, so that I could always keep him the way that he is right now, safe and warm and close to me.

I could never tell him that I have just leaned down and kissed him, too afraid to breathe, while I touched my lips to his forehead without his consent.

I will never tell him. And that is a promise that I know that I must keep. I could never even give a voice to this breathtaking emotion that is growing inside of my heart, much less overcome my fear of it being shattered into a thousand pieces, just like every foolish infatuation that came before it. To see this, the purest thing that I have ever felt, completely destroyed and turned into dust beneath my feet… That would be the last time that my heart would ever dare to love someone.

No, I won't tell him…

But I cannot stop loving him. I am in love with Sanada Genichiroh.

No one on this earth is more foolish than I.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

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**Footnote:** "Shodou" is the Japanese word for calligraphy, which is in fact one of Sanada's hobbies.

**Up Next:** Sanada confronts Yukimura, and Tezuka pays Atobe a visit, in order to persuade him to make a certain phone call...


	10. Between the Lines

**Disclaimer: **We don't own PoT or any characters.

**Authors' Notes: **

ToastedMarshmallow: I have conquered. ::dances::

FallingSilver: What are you talking about?

TM: For the first time in this fic, I have exceeded you in page count! Whoo!

FS: ... Good for you.

Hello again, everyone! Sorry again for the huge delay in releasing this chapter. But midterms were... bad. Evil. Torture. Scum of the earth. To make up for it, here is a nice long chapter for you all to read over spring break. We hope you enjoy it! We'll try to get the next chapter out ASAP, but we're both having our wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow... ::dies:: So it might take us a while to be coherent again. If we post anything that doesn't make sense... ignore it... It's the painkillers talking.

Anyway, have fun and please review. Reviews are painkillers for the soul. :D

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**２月５日月曜日**

**Monday, February 5th**

It's been a long, interesting day, to say the least. I don't even know where to begin.

I suppose I should pick up where I left off yesterday. I was sitting for a while in Atobe's parlor after I wrote in my journal, still waiting for him to finish his phone call. I was about ready to fall asleep at that point, but I didn't really want him to know that. So I tried to sit up as straight as I could, and make myself as uncomfortable as possible in an effort to keep myself awake.

When he finally came back in, he sort of looked like he didn't quite know what to say. (I don't blame him; what do you say to a pathetic loser who just found out his boyfriend was cheating on him?) But he finally sat down, and asked if I wanted to talk about it.

The truth was, I did and I didn't. I've always sort of believed that talking is just a waste of time, and never solves anything. And I certainly wasn't sure I wanted to talk about something so personal in front of Atobe, of all people. But, on the other hand, part of me was desperate to talk to _someone_… I hadn't had the chance to talk about it with anyone so far except these empty pages. I felt like it would be nice to get some sympathy, but I still wasn't sure I was going to get any from someone like Atobe.

I hesitated, but he argued that it might help. As I said, part of me was just looking for an excuse to talk to someone, so before I knew it, I had started to pour my heart out to him. I told him how much I felt like an idiot, but he (rather angrily, actually) said that I shouldn't feel that way when Yukimura had been going behind my back. I thought that was nice of him to say, but obviously he didn't understand the whole story. I told him that Yukimura had tried to tell me how he felt without hurting my feelings, and that I was just so stubbornly holding on to everything that I refused to see it. I'd grasped our relationship so tightly that it ended up slipping right through my fingers.

And now it's over.

It felt horrible to say that out loud. It suddenly sounded so final, and felt so real. And now that I had admitted it, there was no going back. I guess it was at this point that I started to feel a lump forming in my throat. I swallowed it back at first. I wasn't going to cry in front of Atobe.

His reply to my assertion was somewhat surprising. He suggested that Yukimura and I could still work things out. I guess that was an understandable mistake, and something I hadn't even really considered. It's true that many relationships have survived through similar circumstances. But I knew that Yukimura and I didn't stand a chance anymore, not after this. Atobe asked if that was because I couldn't forgive Yukimura, but that's not why at all. I'd forgive Yukimura in a heartbeat.

The problem is that I'm not good enough for him. He wants more than I can give him, and he has every right to have it. Even if he said he wanted to stay with me, I wouldn't let him; I don't want him to feel trapped in a relationship that's not satisfying him. But he's not going to say that anyway. I'm sure we're going to break up as soon as I see him again, which is one of the many reasons why I've still been too afraid to talk to him.

When I explained this to Atobe (not so extensively, of course; I think I only used about five words), he said that if I wasn't enough for Yukimura, then Yukimura was a fool.

I'm starting to get the feeling that Atobe doesn't like Yukimura very much.

I know Atobe was trying to make me feel better (I still don't know why, though), and it was a nice thing to say, but I knew it wasn't true. I wanted to explain it to Atobe, to say that Yukimura was absolutely not a fool, and that I'm obviously just a horrible boyfriend, but I couldn't. The lump came back into my throat, and my eyes started stinging. My first thought was, "Oh, god, not now…" Why is it that I hadn't been able to cry for the past day, but then suddenly while I was talking to Atobe, I had to fight back tears? Why did it have to be _then_?

Because of that, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't point out all of the obvious reasons that I fell short of such a wonderful person as Yukimura, even though I wanted to. I knew that if I tried to say something as painful as that, I'd fall apart. And, again, I'd vowed not to do so in front of Atobe.

Atobe went on to say that if Yukimura and I broke up, I could just find someone else. I have to say, that made the sting in my eyes a lot stronger. Because I'm starting to think that I'll never find anyone else. Even if I was stupid enough to fall in love again, how will I know that this new person won't get tired of me, too? I don't think I could handle the pain of pouring myself into someone again, only to find out that it was a waste of time. I'm still not sure if I'm going to be able to handle it this first time.

So no, Atobe. You're wrong; I'm not going to "find someone else," as you said.

Never again.

I didn't tell him exactly that, but I did say he didn't understand. And I told him that Yukimura was everything to me. That's nothing but the truth. I gave Yukimura so much of myself that I don't think I even have anything left to give to anyone else.

I said it rather loudly, I think; I was still trying to fight with that lump in my throat. I think Atobe didn't quite know what to say to that, so he offered to get me a glass of water and left.

I was relieved. I felt my muscles relax, and the tears started to fall. I didn't mean to cry; I just couldn't help it anymore. It was mostly just because I was so _tired. _It was fairly early in the evening, but I'd only had about an hour or so of restless sleep in the past twenty-four hours. I couldn't even keep my eyes open at that point. I just wanted to go home, but the thought of doing that made me feel even more exhausted; I knew I had a long, boring train ride ahead of me. I didn't know how I was going to stay awake. It was frustrating. All I really wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep, but I knew I couldn't…

Even though exhaustion was a lot of the reason I was crying, I also think I needed to cry. I don't cry often at all (hardly ever), but the few times in my life that I have, I know it's always made me feel better somehow (as long as no one's around to see me). I'd been kind of wishing that I'd had a chance to cry as soon as I saw Yukimura kissing Tezuka, when I wanted to the first time but ran home in order to stop myself. It was frustrating when I got home that day and realized I couldn't anymore. So it was a good release to finally be able to again.

It was a good thing Atobe was gone for as long as he was. I wasn't exactly efficient in stopping myself. I'd considered the possibility that he'd be back before I was done, so I pulled my cap down over my eyes just in case. Luckily, though, I stopped myself and wiped the tears off my face before he came back, so I sat up and assured myself that I would only have to stay awake a little longer.

When Atobe walked back into the room, he handed me the glass of water and was quiet for a minute. I don't know if he saw that my eyes were red, but I must have looked like a complete wreck. He asked me to spend the night.

As I write this, I realize that I probably should have been more suspicious of that than I was. At that point, though, all I could think about was sleep. Not having to wait until I got home to fall asleep sounded fine to me. Even so, though, I was skeptical about it being a good idea. I knew that I should have just gone home, so I pointed out that it would be too much trouble for me to stay.

Well, Atobe wouldn't hear it. He took my hands and led me into his room. Again, I found myself too tired and depressed to argue with him. He went and got me something to wear, told me I could change in his room, and disappeared into his closet to change himself. Changing in someone else's room feels a little awkward… I can't even say I've ever done it before; usually if I spend the night at someone's house, I change in a bathroom. I don't know why it felt so weird, changing in Atobe's bedroom. I don't even know why I'm writing about it. Anyway…

When I was done, I put my sweatsuit in my tennis bag and waited for Atobe to come back out. He took a while; I think he wanted to make sure I was done changing before opening the door. I really just wanted to climb into his bed. He has a nice bed… It's _huge. _It's probably twice the size of a king-sized bed, and longer too, not just wider. I don't know how they made bedsheets for that thing. I don't know how they made a _mattress_ for it, either. Anyway, I didn't want to be impolite, so I just stood there in the center of his room and tried to stay awake. Any other time, I would have been observing the décor, but I was too tired to even look around, really.

As soon as Atobe came back into the room, he commanded me to get into bed. Needless to say, I didn't argue. I suppose it crossed my mind to protest a little when he grabbed something off his desk and got into bed beside me (I've heard some interesting stories about Atobe), but he started writing and seemed very occupied, so I figured I had no reason to think he was going to suggest anything strange.

That's another thing: Atobe keeps a journal, too. I suppose that shouldn't really come as a surprise to me. Sometimes it seems like that man could talk forever and still have more to say. So, naturally, he probably writes down the rest of it every evening. But when I realized that's what he was doing, I got that same strange sensation of having something in common with him, like I did when we had dinner at my house and were looking at the snow falling outside.

I asked him about it, and he said he's kept one since he was six years old. (I'm sorry, that's insane. Could he even write well enough at that age? I guess that's Atobe for you.) He seemed somewhat surprised that I kept a journal myself, which I guess was reasonable. It's true that I probably wouldn't have if Renji hadn't told me to last year. Meanwhile, Atobe said that he's running out of room in his current journal, which is amazing because it's the thickest journal I've ever seen. Not to mention that it seemed like there were enough pages left for someone like me to take months to fill. He said he's gone through more journals than he can count. I told him that I believed him.

I don't remember anything after that. I'm pretty certain we didn't talk, but I fell asleep so quickly that for all I know, Atobe kept up the conversation by himself. I don't know if he slept in his own bed, or somewhere else; I never got the chance to ask him. I'll probably never know. I slept like a rock.

When I woke up, I didn't open my eyes. I'm not sure that I knew where I was. I just rolled over and pulled the covers further on top of me. I didn't want to get up; Atobe's bed is basically like sleeping on a cloud. For a while, I might have even thought that I was in heaven. (You know how you never quite think clearly when you first wake up?) I had the vague sensation that something good had happened, or that I'd had good dreams or something. Which was odd, considering that the only important thing that's happened to me lately has been bad.

I didn't open my eyes until I noticed a pleasant smell coming from somewhere beside me. That's when I remembered where I was. I sat up and looked around, and found several covered dishes on a tray by the bedside. I had to crawl over to get to it and take the covers off the plates. Underneath was a true Western-style breakfast—an omlette, some pancakes, sausage, oatmeal and the like—which normally I don't particularly care for, but it all just smelled so good that I really couldn't help digging in right away. (Not to mention the fact that I was starving… I never had dinner the night before.) It tasted even better than it smelled. Atobe's chef must be a genius.

While I was eating, I finally took the time to look around Atobe's room. I was reminded of the first time I came over to his house, when I was sitting in his parlor and got a glimpse inside. My first impressions of it were correct. Everything was pastel and silvery, all cool colors like blue and purple. It seemed like such colors might make his room seem cold (silver and blue tend to be that way), but it actually looked very warm somehow. Maybe it was the sunlight pouring in from the huge windows. Also, as I said before, it was nothing like his black, gold, and wine-red parlor. Even the fabrics seemed softer in his room; silk and cotton and satin, as opposed to heavy velvet and embroidery. I don't know why this contrast struck me again as so significant, but I couldn't seem to help noticing. And I have to say, I like his room much better than his stuffy parlor.

It suddenly struck me that I must have looked out of place. I don't know why I thought of that, but it kind of made me feel uncomfortable. The image of Atobe in the snow popped back into my head, and I remembered how much he looked like he belonged in those icy surroundings. The colors of his room were somewhat similar, and it occurred to me that this was _his _room, and I didn't even belong there. I noticed that there was a mirror across from his bed on the other side, so I crawled over to see if there was any way I could look less ridiculous, and less like a total stranger. It was the strangest feeling…

When I looked in the mirror, though, I suddenly didn't feel so out of place. He'd given me a pair of navy-blue silk pajamas to wear, and in those, I looked like I actually _belonged _in his room. I guess I still stood out a little bit… But I was in the dead center of his room, or pretty close, and it almost made me feel like I was the focal point of his décor.

Again, I don't know why all of this was going through my head, or why I'm even writing about it, except that it was such a strong, odd feeling…

Atobe appeared while I was still looking in the mirror. He didn't seem to notice, though. He said good morning, and seemed very cheerful. I thanked him for breakfast. He asked if I'd slept well, and I said yes. He agreed that I looked like I had, and that I'd seemed very tired last night. It was at this point that I kind of wanted to ask him where _he'd_ slept, but I didn't find a way to phrase my question in time. He asked me what I wanted to do today.

That's when I remembered what day it was. I'd completely forgotten that it was Monday, and I freaked out for a second. According to the clock, school had already started, and I still had almost an hour to travel back to Kanagawa… I jumped out of bed and told him that I was late, but Atobe stopped me. Then he proceeded to calmly explain that neither of us were going to school. No, we were going to play hooky.

I love how he thinks he can just kidnap me like that, whenever he wants.

Nevertheless, it sounded like a much better idea than going to school. Everything that had happened recently was starting to hit me again, and I still didn't quite feel ready to face Yukimura. So I didn't really argue. I was too confused anyway.

He suggested that I take a warm shower, and all but pushed me into his bathroom, saying it would make me feel better. When I argued that I didn't have any soap, he said I could use his. And I have to say, he has plenty to spare. His walk-in shower is quite large, and there's an entire shelf of various nondescript, half-empty bottles with names that are completely foreign to me and I have no clue how one would use. I'll admit that he was right; taking a warm shower was nice. I don't often take warm showers. At my house we always take baths, heated with a fire, and the rinsing water is always freezing cold. But Atobe's shower was so hot it was steaming. I felt like I could have stood in there forever, letting the warm water run over my entire body like that. It felt nice…

He talked to me while I was showering, which was a little awkward, though he didn't make it as awkward as it could have been considering that I was trapped in a corner with no clothes on. (At least he couldn't see me.) He was minding his own business, but making casual conversation. ("So what do you want to do today? You don't know? Let's see… Well, we could go out to eat, or see a movie, or… Do you like horseback riding? Never been? It's lovely.") I don't know what all he was doing while he was talking. He probably goes through some hour-long routine every morning to make sure he looks his best.

Eventually he suggested that we go shopping today. I don't know why the thought startled me so much, but I dropped the soap and it made the loudest, most horrible noise. I guess I've just never really enjoyed shopping. I'll go buy tennis equipment, and presents for people sometimes, and that's alright, but I don't really go shopping regularly on my days off. So I repeated, "Shopping?" And Atobe responded by declaring that he'd buy me "something nice."

My mind startled reeling with the possibilities of what someone as rich as Atobe would consider to be "something nice." The idea of someone spending a lot of money on me for practically no reason, even if he had money to spare, was a little uncomfortable. I tried to convince him that it wasn't necessary, but he insisted that it was nothing. I really couldn't argue with that.

So we went shopping. We also went out to lunch and saw a movie. The movie we saw was the kind of film that felt like one big distraction; there were so many special effects that it was kind of ridiculous. So it was well-suited to the occasion. Atobe, of course, paid for everything. At the restaurant where we had lunch, I tried to be polite and order something relatively inexpensive, which was difficult considering the menu. But he didn't let me get away with that. He ordered me two appetizers, three side dishes, and a dessert. He then punctuated the gesture with a comment something like, "And don't you dare try to eat it all. I won't endure your ridiculous notions of good manners today. I'm treating you, and that's final."

The whole shopping experience centered around Atobe trying to find me "just what I wanted." There were a couple instances where I said, "You can just get me that," but again, he wouldn't hear of it. He insisted on getting me something "perfect." But even though he was trying so hard and being so picky, I can't say shopping with him was stressful or unpleasant. He thought of a lot of things I never would have thought of on my own. He showed me some digital cameras, some video game systems, some designer sunglasses, and he even had me try on some clothes (I found out what cashmere is today; it's nice). He had one rule, though: I wasn't allowed to look at the price tags.

It started getting late in the afternoon, and Atobe was ready to give up. He asked me what I liked the most, out of everything I'd seen. I couldn't decide between the cashmere sweater and a digital camera I kind of liked, but then he interrupted me and said, "Never mind. I know just the thing."

He took me to an expensive-looking stationary shop. The sales clerk there seemed to know him. Atobe smiled and told her, "Show us the nicest pens you have." The woman nodded and took out a drawer for us to look at.

My eyes must have lit up. I've always wanted a nice pen. I guess since I like shodou so much, I've always been rather interested in writing utensils. But all I have are brushes; I've never had a nice pen for everyday writing. And these were _really _nice pens. One pen in particular caught my eye: a sleek, black pen with gold accents. Atobe was right; it was exactly what I wanted.

He had the woman write down the price for him, and wouldn't let me look. When he saw the number, though, he commented, "Apparently you have very good taste." So it must have been really expensive. I started trying to talk him out of it (somewhat half-heartedly, I admit; I really liked that pen), but he insisted again that he was getting it for me. Then he asked me if I was willing to stick around for another half an hour. Though somewhat confused, I answered yes. Atobe handed the pen back to the sales clerk and said, "I'd like to get this engraved, please." She gave him a form, and he wrote down my name.

Once outside the store, I told him again that he really didn't have to do that. He told me not to worry about it, so I sincerely thanked him instead. Then I asked him how in the world he'd thought of getting me a pen. He answered that he remembered last night's conversation about keeping journals, and thought that I could use a pen to write with every day.

I'm using it right now; hence the dark, smooth-looking ink on this page.

Atobe had his limousine driver take us all the way back to my house, and I was home in time for dinner. When I got out of the car, though, I didn't go inside right away. There was so much I felt I should say to him before he drove away, but all I could think of was, "Thanks for everything, Atobe." It wasn't nearly enough. But Atobe responded by saying, "It was my pleasure."

I'm not sure why, but I believed him. I don't know how much he actually meant it. For all I know, he didn't mean it any more than that time he said something similar after he took me out to lunch, when I could tell he was being completely fake. But this time, I guess I wanted to believe that he was being sincere, so I did.

I said, "See you around." He said, "I hope so," and closed the window, and the limo drove away. And I have to admit, I found myself almost smiling.

I'll never be able to thank him enough for what he did for me today. I don't think he even realizes just how much he made me feel better. I still don't know why he did it. I don't really feel like pondering that too much; I think that would just ruin it. Whatever his motive happened to be, I still feel better, and now I think I'm finally ready to face Yukimura.

Speaking of which… after dinner, Mother mentioned to me that Yukimura came by after school today, which was a little unnerving to me. (Though I was glad to hear that she hadn't been worried about me. I guess Atobe had someone call to tell her where I was?) I ended up telling Mother everything that had happened in the past few days. She said that she'd figured it was something like that, based on what Yukimura had told her. She thought it was a shame. Then she said I had to let her give me a hug, so I did.

I thought she was going to give me some long lecture full of advice, but the only thing she said was, "Well, you'll see him tomorrow. I'm sure you two will figure out what's the best thing to do."

I'm a little scared, I guess. I know I can work up the courage to talk to him now, but the thought is still somehow frightening. I'm not sure what I'm going say to him. I guess I could just let him do the talking.

As I write this, I wonder, since when have I been this way? What happened to the times when I felt invincible, like I could handle anything and nothing would faze me? It used to be that I didn't care what people thought or said about me, and I thought I could conquer the world. That's the way I felt when I started junior high, and I've been feeling less and less that way ever since…

What happened?

Well… I guess Yukimura happened.

The first time I ever played against him was a humbling experience, to say the least. He definitely put me in my place. At first I wanted to train harder so I could beat him, but I quickly found out that he was training just as much as I was, if not more, and I would never be able to catch up. Eventually, I just accepted the fact that he was better than me. I decided to stick with him, and I suppose I expected him to conquer the world _for_ me. I relied on him more and more as we got closer. That's why it was so hard for me when he got sick. Things were so much easier when he was there to tell me what to do. And then when we started dating after the season was over, my reliance on him must have gone beyond tennis. I relied on him to tell me everything short of telling me when to breathe.

Somehow, he made me _weak_.

I don't think that's what he wanted at all. I think I'm beginning to understand…

Anyway, I'm sure he'll explain everything to me tomorrow. I've written too much; my hand hurts and I really should have gone to bed an hour ago.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月５日月曜日**

**Monday, February 5th**

Today was strangely wonderful.

I'm not quite sure how to explain it logically, since it should have been a rather difficult twenty-four hours. After all, Sanada was here in my house when I woke up in the morning, and I knew that he would still be upset about the whole situation with Yukimura. And then there was _my_ little problem concerning Sanada, which I had just discovered the previous night… Needless to say, I had already decided that I was going to have to be very careful to keep myself from revealing anything about my feelings for him.

But to my surprise, it wasn't a strain at all. I was mainly focused on trying to help him forget about Yukimura, just for one day, so I wasn't really thinking about my own problems. And strangely enough, it didn't seem very hard to help Sanada forget about his situation; he was surprisingly amiable and complied readily with my suggestions. So I would like to think that we truly are friends now, in spite of my fear that we would never be anything but enemies.

And I will force myself to be content with that.

I woke up rather early this morning, and almost forgot where I was… Much to my confusion, I was actually sitting up in my bed, and suddenly I realized that I had fallen asleep while I was reading back over my previous journal entry. Of course, the very next thing that I did was look beside me, and sure enough, there was Sanada, still fast asleep with his head half-buried in the pillows. Well, my heart practically leapt into my throat when I remembered everything that had happened yesterday, and I nearly repeated my foolish error from the previous night, in leaning down to kiss that strong forehead…

But I stopped myself just in time, and I am certain that the smile that appeared on my face was a rather ironic one. Honestly, how ridiculous could I get? Once again, I was letting my more impulsive side get the best of me, and that simply wouldn't do, not if I was going to hide how I felt for the rest of the day. And I was absolutely determined to do so.

It was obvious that Sanada had been absolutely exhausted yesterday, so I thought that I would wait for him to wake up on his own. I then proceeded to spend the next hour and a half in my usual way: picking out my clothes, taking a shower, and getting dressed. I even went downstairs and had breakfast in the dining hall, but every time that I would go back up into my room to check on my guest, Sanada was still fast asleep. And every time, I found myself smiling at that fact; he was either a very hard sleeper, or he was finding out for himself how difficult it can be to get out of my bed in the morning. (I have slept on many nice mattresses in my lifetime, but I have to admit that I am still incredibly partial to my own… It's as soft as a cloud, and much larger than any human being could possibly need.)

In any case, it was nearly twenty minutes past the time that I normally leave for school, and it was Monday, after all, so my servants naturally started expressing some concern about this fact… Which was when I revealed to them that I had absolutely no intention of going to school today. No, I had already decided that Sanada and I were going to shirk our responsibilities for the day, and I was going to distract him from the Yukimura situation if it killed me. At that point, I also sent my butler down into the kitchen, to instruct the chef to prepare a large breakfast for my guest and leave it in the room so that he would find it when he woke up.

I then spent the next forty minutes or so flipping through the newspaper and sipping a cup of tea in the downstairs parlor. I was trying to look for something interesting that Sanada and I could do for the rest of the day, something that would be guaranteed to put him in a good mood. But nothing really caught my eye… The pages were full of advertisements for amusement parks, and there were a few new movies that had just been released. But somehow, I couldn't quite picture how Sanada would react to spending a day doing things that seem like clichéd archetypes of the teenage dating scene. For all I knew, it might remind him of the time he spent with Yukimura and only serve to make his mood even worse.

I sat there puzzling over this problem quite a bit longer than I meant to, and then I suddenly realized that Sanada might be awake. So I made my way upstairs again, and sure enough, I walked into my bedroom and discovered that Sanada was sitting up in bed and had already helped himself to breakfast. I couldn't help being happy about that; it was a good sign that he hadn't been too upset to eat. So I said a rather cheerful good morning to him, and he thanked me for breakfast. I was almost surprised by how polite he was… Even though I know that he's a generally polite person, I can't say that I would remember to have good manners if my heart had been broken only two days ago.

Well, of course I said he was very welcome, and I asked him if he had slept well. (Though I already suspected that he had.) He confirmed my assumption, and I noted that he must have been tired. There was a slight pause, and then my previous quandary came back into my train of thought, so I asked him what he wanted to do today. Well, of course he instantly remembered that it was a Monday morning, and that he was late for school, but I put an extremely quick stop to all of his concerns about that particular detail. I proceeded to inform him that he wasn't going to school today, and that I was going to "play hooky" with him, as the colloquial phrase goes.

Much to my surprise, he didn't put up much of a protest, even though I had expected at least some resistance from him. In fact, he just looked rather confused; I think he interjected something along the lines of, "What?" So I decided that confusion was probably my greatest ally at that point in time, and immediately suggested that he take a shower, in an attempt to perpetuate his bewilderment. Of course, it worked like a charm, as far as the confusion went, but I also thought that a warm shower might make him feel better. I know that as far as my personal habits go, I can't go through the day gracefully without taking a shower first thing in the morning… There's just something about it that feels like a fresh start, and goodness knows that Sanada probably needed one.

So I immediately told him that he could use my shower, and pointed the way to my bathroom. He protested, of course, citing as an excuse the obvious fact that he didn't have any soap. (Does he honestly use nothing except soap when he bathes? That's so like him.) Naturally, I told him that he could use my soap. In fact, he could have his choice out of the approximately ten thousand bars that are stored securely on my bathroom shelves. (What did he think I was going to suggest? That he run to the nearest drugstore and pick up some for himself? Surely he knows better than _that_.) Honestly, I was so amused by that point that I could barely suppress a smile, so I ducked behind him and gently pushed him through the doorway.

Well, to make a long story short, he submitted to the confusion and took a shower. I have to admit, there was a strange part of me that was almost charmed by how compliant he was being… It was so different from our usual interaction, even if it was just a result of the unfortunate circumstances that had brought him to my house. And then I remembered that I needed to finish my own routine for the morning. So I waited until I could safely assume that he was in the shower (my shower is a walk-in and it's tucked behind a wall, so there was no risk of bothering him), and then I situated myself in front of my bathroom mirror to wash my face and fix my hair. (And plenty of other things which don't particularly need to be mentioned, of course.)

The whole time, though, I was talking with him over the sound of the running water, asking him again what we should do for the day. He didn't seem to particularly care either way, but I was set on coming up with something interesting. I listed off an extremely broad variety of activities, but all I really got from him in response was an assorted array of grunting noises. Of course, I had to smile to myself, and couldn't help mentally noting that he certainly wasn't the kind of person to be easily impressed.

But then I thought of a way that I just might be able to impress him. So I suggested that we go shopping.

There was the funniest noise in the shower stall at that point; it was a kind of loud "thunk" noise against the tile, so I have to assume that Sanada dropped his bar of soap in response. And then he repeated my suggestion out loud. It was the biggest reaction that I had gotten from him during the entire conversation, so I decided that this was the activity I had been looking for. Besides, I was rather relishing the idea of buying him something truly expensive, just to see how he would react. So I informed him that I would buy him something, but of course he said that "wasn't necessary."

As I truthfully told him, it was nothing. Unless he asked for a sports car, I'm not sure what he could possibly want that would exceed my monthly allowance. So he sighed and relented, and I had to smile again at the unmistakable tone of martyrdom in his voice.

Oh, Sanada… Only you could turn the prospect of a free gift into an expression of reluctant obligation.

Of course, that rather endearing sigh only reinforced my resolve to make the day a truly pleasant one for him, so I immediately began racking my brain for the best possible way to carry out my plan. And the schedule that I chose turned out to be a surprisingly successful one. We spent the first part of the morning browsing some of the more expensive stores in the downtown shopping district. (It was an experience in and of itself introducing Sanada to the world of designer clothes. "What the hell is that?" "That's a Gucci coat, Sanada." "… It's ugly." "Yes. Yes, it is. But it costs more than the economy of some African nations." "… That's stupid." "Welcome to commercialism, my friend.")

Then I suggested that we go see a movie. I tried to pick the flashiest one with the most special effects, in an unspoken effort to keep him distracted from his personal problems, if only for one day… It certainly fit the bill as far as "distracting" went; I've never seen so many pointless explosions in an hour and a half. But it seemed to hold Sanada's attention well enough, despite the fact that he didn't express any particular interest in it afterwards. As for me, I spent most of the time in the theater glancing at his face, trying to make sure that he wasn't getting depressed again… Unfortunately, I have to admit that my thoughts began to wander more than once during that particular process, and I had to stop myself from staring too intently at his face in order to avoid any questions on his part.

It's such a terrible habit of mine… I could stare for an hour at something that interests me, and I often do, much to the disturbance of the person involved. In fact, my involuntary hand gesture during those occasional flashes of insight is almost like a derivative of that same habit. And it has an unfortunate tendency to scare people, which I didn't exactly want to happen in this particular case.

Besides, what was I going to say? That I was staring at him because I find him _attractive_?

Not in a million years. And I mean that.

After the movie, I took him out to lunch at a nearby restaurant. Of course, he tried to be polite and ordered one of the least expensive things on the menu. But I wasn't going to let him get away with it… I proceeded to order him a few side dishes and some appetizers, along with the promise of dessert afterwards. At that point, I could see him bracing himself for the onslaught, and I almost laughed aloud. But I stopped myself just in time and warned him that he had better not try to finish all of it, because I wasn't going to tolerate his idea of good manners today. No, I was treating him, and that was final. That was the whole point of forcing him to play hooky, after all. I wanted him to enjoy having a day off, not kill himself with his misguided notions of duty.

Meanwhile, I vowed to myself that I was going to spend the rest of the day trying to find a perfect gift for Sanada. As entertaining as it had been to spend the morning educating him about designer labels, I really wanted to buy him something special before the day was over, something that he could actually use but that he couldn't afford to buy for himself. So I started to take him to several shops with this goal in mind… I took him to an electronics store to show him some of the latest digital cameras, and then I took him to one of the clothing stops that I frequent and introduced him to the cashmere sweater. (The only thing that I insisted was that he couldn't look at the price tags on anything that we saw. I knew that if he did, he was probably going to have one of his fits of honor and refuse to let me buy anything.)

We went on like this until it was late in the afternoon, and by that point, I had absolutely exhausted my list of ideas. He seemed to like some of the things that I had shown him, which was a fairly good sign, but to be perfectly honest, I was disappointed with myself. Where was my usually flawless intuition about buying gifts for others? I wasn't going to be content with buying him something that he simply liked. No, I wanted to find the perfect gift for Sanada Genichiroh. But what could that be? It had to functional; that went without saying. And it should have been simple and elegant, not gaudy or over the top, or otherwise it wouldn't suit him at all…

And then it came to me.

What he needed was a pen.

I don't know why I had forgotten that conversation that we had about journals during the previous night, but it suddenly resurfaced in my memory in the very moment that I was ready to give up. And from that point on, I was confident that I had found my answer. A pen could be a very nice, expensive gift, but it was also completely functional. Besides, I knew that Sanada would get plenty of use out of it. It was perfect. So without telling him where we were going, I took him straight to the stationary store where I buy all of my pens, and I asked the saleswoman to show us the nicest ones that they had.

Well, the second that she opened the case for the most expensive models, I knew that my suspicions had been correct. Sanada's eyes actually lit up, and he looked more interested in those pens than he had been in anything else that I had showed him all day long. I have to admit, my heart skipped a few beats… He looked genuinely excited, and I was so proud that I had thought of it. And I could tell almost instantly which one he liked the most; it was a classic black pen with genuine gold accents, and I have to say, it suited him perfectly. When he finally told me that he liked that one, I asked the saleswoman to write down the price so that Sanada couldn't see it.

It's a good thing that he didn't see it… The pen cost quite a bit more money that I would have estimated that I was going to spend on him.

But I can truly say that I won't miss any of it in the least.

At that point, I told Sanada rather humorously that he had very good taste, which made him realize that it must have been quite expensive. And his usual politeness resurfaced as he tried to talk me out of buying it, but I was pleased to notice that he wasn't trying as hard as he usually does, which must have meant that he really, truly wanted it. Well, that was all the convincing that it took for me to do exactly as I had intended, and I proceeded to tell the saleswoman that I was going to buy it. I also asked Sanada if he could wait for half an hour so that I could have it engraved with his name, and he agreed.

Of course, he told me afterwards that I really didn't have to do that. But I insisted that he not even give it a second thought, and then he gave me the only reward that I could possibly want… He thanked me. He smiled down at the shopping bag in his hand, and he sincerely thanked me.

For a split second, I forgot that my feet were still on the ground.

I took him home in my limousine, and the ride there was fairly quiet, but it wasn't one of those oppressive silences that give me the irrepressible urge to start talking. In fact, it was actually rather pleasant, and I sat there secretly glowing with satisfaction from the afternoon's success. Even if I had decided that I was never going to tell him how I felt, I could still do a small thing like that, some practically invisible thing that would give me the chance to express that I care about him. And there was no risk of me getting hurt, and it helped him to forget about his problems for a little while… And he even has a beautiful pen to use for writing in his journal from now on, so it wasn't an entirely trivial gesture.

Anyway, we arrived at his house sooner than I expected, and Sanada got out of the car. And I have to admit that some part of me felt almost depressed… I had truly enjoyed spending time with him for the day, and now it was over. And who knows when I'll see him again? It could be weeks… or even months, just like after Nationals… I might not even see him until the next regional tennis tournament, and by that time, he'll hardly remember that any of this happened…

God, I really am depressing myself.

In any case, Sanada didn't immediately head for his front door, like I might have predicted that he would. Much to my surprise, he lingered right outside my window, as if there was something that he wanted to say to me. And then he suddenly thanked me "for everything," as he put it. Well, I was secretly touched by the fact that he seemed to have valued the experience almost as much as I did, and I was also very glad that he thought that it had been worth his time. And so I told him the truth: I told him that it had been my pleasure.

It _was_ my pleasure, Sanada. And you will never know how true that is.

He said something along the lines of "See you around," and I couldn't resist replying rather warmly that I hoped so. But the more I think about it, the more that seems like a complete impossibility at this point. Why would we see each other again? Yukimura and Tezuka's little scheme is over. And we may have finally overcome our animosity for each other, but I am quite certain that I am not anywhere near the top of Sanada's list of friends and acquaintances. And of course, I already knew that buying him that pen won't guarantee that he will seek me out in the future. I know you can't buy friendship, any more than you can purchase the stars. And buying love is even more of an impossibility, as I happen to know all too well…

In any case, it was a lonely ride home, which only led to an even lonelier night spent alone in my room.

Even my bed feels empty, as I sit here writing today's entry and thinking back on what happened during the day. And I have been spending most of the evening indulging in the most ridiculous behavior… I do have a perfectly legitimate right to be worried about Sanada, since it goes without saying that he will have a rough time ahead of him, if he really is going to confront Yukimura about what happened between him and Tezuka. But that doesn't excuse the way that my thoughts keep wandering away from that particular subject and instead focusing on him alone. I keep thinking about the way he smiled when I bought him that pen, and wondering if he's truly going to be alright, and trying to stop myself from calling him to see if he's alright…

Honestly, I'm acting like a fool.

I suppose that could be a sign that I truly am in love.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月６日火曜日**

**Tuesday, February 6th**

I thought I was going to be ready to talk to Yukimura today. Now I'm not sure that I was. I mean, I knew what was going to happen. I just didn't think it would be this hard.

It was a good thing, though, that I didn't have to talk to him first thing in the morning, like I was expecting. I arrived at school at my usual time, and sure enough, Renji and Yukimura were there, sitting in the classroom and talking. They said good morning, and I returned the greeting nervously. Having to face Yukimura again… I don't know. My palms started sweating. A huge part of me suddenly wanted to run away.

Renji got out of his chair and said, "Akaya wanted me to check on morning practice today. I should go do that…" I thought he was leaving so Yukimura and I could be alone to talk, but on his way out, he grabbed my arm and said, "Come with me, Genichiroh."

On the way to the courts, I noticed that he was walking very quickly. I didn't understand why then, but I think he was angry. At Yukimura. Maybe that shouldn't come as such a shock to me. I found out later that Yukimura had explained to Renji what had happened, and I suppose it's natural that Renji would have been worried about me. I guess I just never expected him to take my side so strongly.

We got to the tennis courts, and he told me what he'd heard from Yukimura. Except he kind of left out Yukimura's side of the story, which I'll explain later… But he asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said that there wasn't really much else to talk about, and that I was just upset about the whole thing, as I'm sure he could imagine. He nodded and was quiet for a minute. But then he turned to me and said, "You don't seem as upset as I thought you'd be, though." And then he asked me where I was yesterday.

I didn't really want to tell him about my whole escapade with Atobe. I think he could tell I didn't want to answer, and he added that I didn't have to explain if I didn't want to. So instead, I simply told him that I'd decided to skip school, and someone had been there to help me feel better.

After another pause, he asked me what I was planning to do about the whole situation. I told him I didn't know exactly, but I assumed that things were over with Yukimura. Renji nodded. Then he said something that I thought was rather harsh: "It's just as well. He's really not the one for you, Genichiroh." I have to admit that it still bothered me to hear something like that, so I replied, "You didn't seem to think so when we first got together."

His reply shocked me.

He said, "If I had said something then, would you have listened?"

I never answered his question. My mouth nearly dropped open and I demanded to know if he'd thought all along that Yukimura and I wouldn't work out. I couldn't believe it; he said he _had. _His excuse for not saying anything about it? "The two of you were so happy at first; I didn't want to interfere."

I still wish he would have told me. I hate having to learn things the hard way.

I sighed and crossed my arms. I wasn't in the mood to argue or ask anymore questions. But I did feel like I had to tell him: "If Yukimura's not the one for me, then I don't think anyone is."

My eyes remained on the team practice, though I can't say I actually saw what was going on. I felt Renji staring at me for a while, and then he suddenly blurted out, "Atobe."

I jumped. At first I thought he was responding to my statement by saying that Atobe was the one for me, which is of course _ridiculous. _But when I said, "What?" he responded, "You saw Atobe yesterday… didn't you?"

How does he _know_ these things?

The whole story sort of spilled out then. I had to tell him because I didn't really want to have to play twenty questions and let him come up with his own conclusions. I even showed him the pen that Atobe bought for me, which I had with me in the inside pocket of my jacket. In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have taken such a nice pen to school with me, but I thought it might help me feel better if something went horribly wrong. Renji seemed impressed, though he wouldn't tell me how much the pen was probably worth.

Between Renji and the rest of my former teammates, I was distracted for most of the day. Everyone was asking me where I'd been yesterday, and I had to come up with numerous vague replies just so I wouldn't have to tell them. They weren't satisfied with most of my answers, so I had to come up with even more vague replies on top of that. Also, Marui later caught me looking at my new pen, and made a huge fuss about it. Suddenly everyone wanted to know where I got it. Eventually they got it out of me that it was a gift, and I had a difficult time convincing them that I wasn't going to tell them who gave it to me.

I could sense Yukimura keeping his distance for most of the day. I'm sure he didn't want to talk to me until we could be alone, which was understandable. I don't think either of us are good enough actors to talk to each other in front of everyone else and make it seem like everything was normal.

I knew I had to face him eventually though, so I lingered in the classroom after school. Renji asked me if I was alright before he left, and, in a whisper, offered to let me come over to his house if I didn't want to talk to Yukimura. I thanked him but said no, and he patted me on the shoulder and left. Then I turned to face my boyfriend.

We both said hi, kind of nervously… I suddenly realized that he was just as nervous about this as I was, if not more, which kind of made sense. (At least _I_ had a completely clear conscience.) He asked me to sit down, and then he started apologizing for what happened. He said that he didn't mean for it to happen, and I asked him then what exactly _had _happened.

Luckily, it wasn't the "worst-case scenario." Actually, it was probably the best that it could have been, considering what I saw. Nothing had been going on between them beforehand. Tezuka hadn't even asked permission to kiss Yukimura, which I almost couldn't believe. It didn't sound like him at all. Yukimura also added that he was pretty angry with Tezuka after I left.

The first question that popped into my head was, "Then why did you have your arms around his neck?" But I didn't say that. Instead I asked him what would have happened if I hadn't caught them, because I assumed that Yukimura would not have been as angry with Tezuka, had that been the case. And I was right. Yukimura admitted that they probably would have just agreed to pretend that it never happened. (Part of me almost wishes that _had _been the case… But in the end, I guess it's better that I found out.)

Yukimura knew that I was disappointed with his answer, so he said he didn't want to make excuses. He started saying how he should have known what was coming, and how he should have stepped away, but I interrupted him. I said, "You wanted him to." It was more of a question, but I was right nonetheless. Yukimura started to argue, but soon he admitted that part of him _had _wanted Tezuka to kiss him. And then he said he was sorry.

I felt my stomach start to churn. But at least he was being honest with me. I didn't really know what to say, though. So I just sat there. I must have looked a little angry, because he asked, "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

I told him right away that wasn't true. As I've said before, I'd forgive him in a millisecond if he wanted me to. But even the way he asked the question helped prove my assumption that he didn't really want me to forgive him. If he truly wanted me to, he would have started begging. Instead, he seemed completely resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to. He seemed surprised, though, when I told him that I would. But then I added that it didn't matter, because he wanted to break up and we were going to.

I guess I was being a little short with him. I was just getting impatient. He doesn't get it. He was still surprised that I didn't seem eager to dump him. I could never get him to understand how much I need him, and how much I would go through before I let him go. I would never have broken up with him if he was still truly in love with me, no matter how many times he cheated. The only reason I was doing that today was for him, because it was what he wanted.

There was just one more thing I wanted to know, before we were through forever. I just wanted to know why he didn't want me anymore.

After today, I'm still not sure I understand why. None of what he said makes enough sense to me. But I'm going to try to write it down as objectively as I can, and maybe someday I'll look back on it and be able to figure out what he was talking about.

He said there were a lot of reasons why we shouldn't be together. He said he always felt like he was telling me what to do, which I guess was true. He said he wanted _me _to ask for things more often. Here I had to interrupt; I told him I was just glad to spend time with him, and make him happy. What more was I supposed to ask for?

Something occurred to him then, as if for the first time. Maybe it _was_ for the first time, though I can't imagine why he didn't know it before. He asked me if I felt like I didn't deserve him. I told him that I don't. I mean, honestly, didn't he know that? I've always felt that I don't deserve him. He's always been above me somehow in almost every way.

I guess what surprised him the most was that I still felt that way, even after I caught him cheating on me. That hurt a little, to realize that he still seemed so far above me, even though he'd kind of betrayed me. I had to choke back a lump in my throat to say that I still felt the same way, even after everything that's happened.

He said it "broke his heart to hear me say that".

What does _he_ know about a broken heart?

He then identified this as the problem. He said that it was because I treated him like he was above me that things didn't work out. (But what else was I supposed to do? Act like things weren't the way they actually were?) He said that I worshipped the ground he walked on (which I thought was supposed to be a good thing). And then he started saying that he didn't feel quite that strongly about me, that he loved me but that he had even started to lose some of his respect for me, because of the way I acted around him.

The truth was finally coming out.

It explains so much, really, to say that he lost his respect for me. He didn't respect me enough to tell me how he felt. He didn't respect me enough to tell me a lot of other things. He didn't respect me enough to end our relationship sooner. He was even going to hide the fact that he had cheated on me, if I hadn't caught him in the act.

I feel so much better now.

(Excuse my sarcasm.)

I pulled my cap down slightly over my eyes. I couldn't look at him anymore. He apologized then, saying that he hadn't meant for that to come out, but I reminded him that he'd meant it. He said, "Kind of." Then he started laying out some crap about how this was supposed to be about _me _and how he was so worried that I got nothing out of our relationship.

Why would he think that?

I got plenty out of our relationship. Like I said before, I just liked being near him, and seeing him happy. I was _honored _to be his boyfriend. Why doesn't he understand? I lived to see him smile. Maybe to him, that would sound pathetic. But it was worth it. It wasn't nothing to me.

I told him that it wasn't true. He said that I spent all my time worrying about him and not thinking about myself and what I wanted. (What's wrong with not being selfish?) He claimed that I wouldn't kiss him half as often if I didn't think he wanted it. I guess I couldn't completely argue with that point… But, again, I _like _doing what he wants. I've said that a million times, and I said it to him again. I told him, "I like seeing you happy."

His reply was, "I feel the same way about you, Sanada. But you're not happy with me."

I'm still not quite sure what to think about that.

Of course I argued with him. But he argued right back. He seemed convinced that I was miserable being his boyfriend. Why would he think that? Maybe it's because I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have trouble expressing when I'm happy… I tried desperately to think of an example that would prove how happy I was with him. The first thing I thought of was the night we made love, so I used that.

And then Yukimura did the unthinkable.

He _discounted _it. He said that night only happened because everything was still so new and exciting to us, and we were trying to get rid of extra energy we had left over from Nationals… I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was talking about the most beautiful night of my life, the one night where I'd never felt so sure of _anything_ before or since, and he was saying that we were just kidding ourselves.

I guess it was appropriate, though. That night, I was also sure that we'd be together forever, and here we were, breaking up…

I asked him what in the hell he was saying. He responded by saying that I'm not attracted to him. Why the _hell _would he ever think that? Does he think I'm _blind_? He must--

Sorry. I said I was going to stay as objective as possible. Let me try again…

I tried to point out to him that I think he's the most beautiful person in the world. He argued that I thought he was _attractive_, but I wasn't actually _attracted_ to him. And he said that I'd proved it by not ever asking him to sleep with me again. He asked me if it had ever even crossed my mind.

I was going to argue, but I stopped myself. I suddenly realized that arguing wasn't really going to do me any good at that point; we were breaking up, either way. And I guess sex hadn't really crossed my mind after that first night, at least not often. So I just sat back and let him keep talking. He said it was _because_ of that night that he knew I wasn't attracted to him. That he'd seen "how passionate I could be," but had only seen it that one time, and that he wanted me to be with someone who made me feel like that all the time. He said he wished I didn't "feel stuck" with him. (What's wrong with being loyal?)

I think he could tell I wasn't really buying it, so he stopped to ask me if he'd gotten something wrong. I responded that I didn't know. He said, "Well, look at it this way: do you feel anything anymore when you kiss me?" I didn't answer. I didn't really know how to… What was I _supposed_ to be feeling, when I kiss him?

What he said next was pretty much the final word. I want to see if I can remember it well enough to write it down; it's probably pretty important, if I want to understand someday…

He said something like, "You just kiss me because you feel like you have to. Sanada, that's exactly my point; I want you to kiss me and hold me and make love to me, and ask me for those things, but you never do. And that's because you don't really _want _to. You shouldn't have to force these things. I want a relationship where both people can't get enough of each other. But, Sanada, I think we've both kind of had enough of each other."

I don't get it. It still hurts too much to really ponder. Even at the time, I could feel that the end was coming, and it felt like my heart was being crushed in a trash compactor. (An appropriate comparison.) I didn't say anything; my cap went back over my eyes and I pressed my lips together as tightly as possible.

Yukimura told me to say something. I didn't know what he wanted me to say. And then he asked me to do something that made no sense at all… He told me to argue with him. He said, "If you really don't want this to end, say you want me so much that you'd never let anyone or anything take me away."

I do love him that much.

But I'm not strong enough to keep him from being taken away.

So I said, "I wouldn't want to tie you down."

He laughed a little (a fake laugh, not a real one) and made some comment about how that was the one time I didn't do what he told me to. I mentioned that I thought that was what he wanted. I heard him sigh and agree that it was.

I said, "Well, I guess this is it, then." He agreed again. I wanted to say something then, wanted to lash out against it because it all just seemed too easy. Letting go of something that's been your life for five months shouldn't be that easy… But I didn't say anything. I somehow felt like I couldn't.

He took my hand and told me that he hoped I'd find someone else. "Someone who drives you crazy, who you can't keep your hands off of, and who makes you happy," I think he said. Why does he think I'd ever feel that way about someone? I don't think I'll ever find someone like that. What if the feelings I had for Yukimura are the strongest I'll ever feel? I'd never felt that strongly about anything before. Who's to say that's not my limit? What I felt for him could very well be the most love I'll ever experience. And since it didn't work out with him, it's not going to work out with anyone else.

It's not hard for me to believe that. I'm not exactly an emotional person.

I asked him if he'd ever considered that there might be no one for me. He then _promised _that I'd find someone. (Sure, Yukimura, I'd love to see you keep _that_ promise.) I was getting a little annoyed. I told him that even if I found someone, I'd never be happy, because I'd have nothing left to give that person.

Yukimura took everything from me.

I got up. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I told him (a little bitterly) that I was glad _he _could be happy at least, now that he was free. He said my name hesitantly, but I didn't want to hear his retort. So I told him goodbye. Forever.

I got out into the hall, and Renji was there. He'd been _eavesdropping. _We stared at each other for an awkward moment, both a little shocked. Me, at seeing him there; him, that I'd come out so abruptly.

He then said, "Genichiroh, I'm sorry." I don't know whether he was apologizing for being there, or for what had happened. I didn't care. Suddenly, I was angry at him.

I'd trusted him. I'd taken his advice, and it blew up in my face.

And I wanted him to know that.

I said something to the effect of, "You said that nothing bad would happen, if I waited for Yukimura to say something." Then I paused, waiting for a response. He didn't have one (go figure; the _one_ time he didn't know what to say). So I added exactly what I was feeling in that moment: "Thanks for nothing, Renji." And then I left.

I hope that stung.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I've been here in my room, feeling kind of numb. Which makes sense enough; I gave my heart to Yukimura. Now he's no longer close to me, so it's like my heart isn't there at all anymore. It's probably laying crushed and broken on the ground somewhere, wherever he happened to decide to let go of it.

Five months.

No… three years. Three years of getting to know each other, growing together, taking care of each other, slowly falling in love…

Over. Done. Finished. After an unfortunate accident and ten minutes of talking, it's all gone. All that time is rendered completely worthless.

I guess this is what happens when you gamble everything. You end up with nothing.

How could he do this? How could he just let go of everything the two of us have shared? Did it not mean that much to him? I know for me, the past five months have been the most beautiful months of my life…

What about all those wonderful times we spent together?

What about our first date? It was really simple, I know—dinner, I think, maybe a movie—but it was wonderful. I remember how happy we both were. We could hardly stop smiling at each other. I remember how exciting it was, just to realize he was going to let me hold his hand…

What about that night we made love? We were at his house, everything was dark and quiet… I kissed him, he kissed back, and then whispered in my ear, "Are you ready?" And he quietly started unbuttoning his shirt. We were both somewhat nervous, but it was so wonderful, being that close…

What about the first time he told me he was in pain? I hadn't realized before that he was still dealing with the after-effects of his illness. But he finally told me, and I was happy, knowing that he trusted me like that. He let me hold him; he even cried a little. He told me how glad he was that I was there to comfort him…

What about the first cold night of the season? We spent it at my house, by the kotatsu heater. We were watching the snow fall through the paper screen. Eventually, he just fell asleep in my arms, and it was so warm…

What about Christmas? All that time we spent shopping together… I enjoyed every minute of it. And then when we had our team party, and we got to watch everyone open the gifts we'd picked out for them, together. Nioh and Akaya set us up, and caught us under the mistletoe. And we kissed, right in front of everyone, and we didn't care. We were still laughing about it afterwards, when we were alone together, cuddling by a warm fire…

What about New Year's? We went to the festival together, watched the fireworks… I caught him a goldfish, and he gave it to a little boy and girl who hadn't caught any. It was a little cold, but we were warm, just as long as we were together…

All of that was a waste of time, in the end.

At what point through those events did he start to get tired of me? When did he decide he didn't want me anymore? How many times did he wish he could tell me?

And what about all of the things we never got to do together? We wanted to take a trip sometime, before high school started, maybe to Osaka or even another country. Just spend a couple of days together, just us and our families. And we talked about starting high school, and having a picnic under the cherry blossom trees, when they bloomed…

And the watch he got me; I never got to make it up to him… I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him, in March… It's less than a month away. I could still get him something, but I won't be allowed to return the kiss he gave me along with the watch, on my half-birthday…

And we talked about celebrating Valentine's Day together…

Oh, god. That's in eight days, isn't it?

That's not fair.

None of this is fair. I can't take it anymore. I need to stop writing. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I'd rather die. I'm tired of it all. I have nothing left. I'm tired…

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月６日火曜日**

**Tuesday, February 6th**

Well, today was a perfectly normal, commonplace, dull, boring kind of day…

Which made it very strange, because in spite of that, I still feel as though I have been walking on air ever since I woke up this morning.

I wouldn't exactly say that I feel happy about my situation, especially given the fact that I have promised myself that I will never tell anyone about how I feel toward Sanada. But there is still something to be said for waking up in the morning and having that sudden feeling of remembering that you're in love with someone. Even if it's unrequited, it has the strangest way of making every moment seem more significant, as though it is suddenly possible that something wonderful could be about to happen, in spite of any evidence to the contrary. After all, if it's possible to feel this way about someone, then what could be impossible…?

It is times like these that I realize that I have far too many foolish sentiments hiding away in my heart for my own good.

In any case, I went to school today as usual, and I was somewhat surprised by all the inquiries as to why I wasn't in class yesterday. During lunch, all my friends demanded to know where I had been, but of course I wasn't about to tell them what had really happened… Such a story is far too complicated to explain in the space of one lunch hour, and anyway, I have a rather frivolous wish to keep yesterday's experience to myself. I can't quite explain why, but there is something almost satisfying about keeping that kind of secret locked inside your heart, where it can safely remain the pleasant memory that you thought it was, instead of being picked apart by your curious acquaintances. So I just smiled a little and told them that I had been busy doing other things.

Of course, they didn't want to leave it at that… Several of them continued to try and get a more substantial answer out of me, but I didn't even give them so much as a hint as to what had really happened. It was rather enjoyable, actually, to dodge their questions, if only because they were getting so comically frustrated about it. Jiroh even exclaimed at one point, "Come _on_, Atobe… Something obviously happened to you! Tell us about it. _Please_?" But I just laughed… I can't really say no to Jiroh, and it was remarkable how well he understood the situation, but I still wasn't going to explain what I had been doing.

Eventually, they moved on to other subjects, and I found myself listening to the conversation with some interest. Oshitari and Gakuto had been helping the second-years with tennis practice yesterday, and Gakuto was teasing Hiyoshi about some first-year player who recently transferred to the school and is apparently quite talented. Gakuto kept going on about how "he just _loves_ that kid, don't you, Hiyoshi?" But Hiyoshi just growled and muttered something about, "That brat needs an attitude adjustment. And he's going to get it before the year is out." I couldn't resist a smile, but I did stop myself from making a comment about how Hiyoshi was finally going to have his chance to deal with a difficult underclassman.

And shortly after that, something rather amusing happened… Shishido and Ootori both sneezed at exactly the same time. Apparently, there's a cold going around, and they both caught it yesterday. (Which isn't exactly surprising… Given all the time that they spend together now, I'm sure that they'll always get sick at the same time.) Anyway, Shishido was wondering if anyone had any extra tissues, but no one did, so Jiroh handed them the box that had been sitting on one of the book shelves. And Ootori asked politely if our coach would mind if they used them, so Shishido launched into some sarcastic comment about how "after we gave him all of our blood, sweat, and tears for twenty-four months, I think he can spare us some freakin' _Kleenex_," by which point our coach had walked in without him noticing. So he proceeded to give Shishido a heart attack, saying calmly, "I suppose I could spare you some 'freaking Kleenex,' Shishido, but you still owe me another practice session with the second-years. You had better come once you've recovered."

At which point Shishido squeaked out something resembling a "Yes sir," as Sakaki coolly took his lesson plan off of the front table and walked back out of the room. And we all had a good laugh, even Shishido (well, as soon as he'd gotten over the shock, anyway). And then shortly after that, the warning bell rung… So it was really a rather pleasant lunch hour, and it was certainly the most interesting thing that happened to me all day.

But somehow, that hasn't stopped me from feeling almost excited all day long. It really is the strangest thing… I know that nothing is going to happen, and I know that there is no possible way that Sanada is thinking about me, at least not in the way that I am constantly thinking about him. Besides, he still has to deal with the whole Yukimura situation, and I'm certain that won't be a pleasant experience. But in every single spare moment, I still find myself wondering how he's doing, and where he is right now, and whether or not he has had a chance to use his new pen, and if he just might be thinking about me while he uses it… And I know that it's terribly foolish, but I really can't seem to stop thinking like this.

At least I know that I won't have any trouble keeping my feelings a secret from _him_. After all, I probably won't see him for months, and by that time, I'm sure that I will be used to hiding it…

But then again, it's strange to think of holding onto an emotion like this for months. I wonder why I can't seem to imagine myself letting go of it. It's not the first time that I've been infatuated with someone, and I've always recovered from it in the past…

But every single time that I think of him, I feel like I'm falling in love all over again.

Does truly being in love mean that you never stop falling?

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月７日水曜日**

**Wednesday, February 7th**

I feel better today.

I don't feel completely alright, but I've come to a decision: I'm not going to mope around about it anymore. I'm tired of it. The only thing that's going to accomplish is making things harder for me. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to trap myself in a downward spiral.

I woke up this morning at my desk; I fell asleep while writing, which is why my last entry trailed off like it did. I really need to stop writing such long entries, and start going to bed on time… In any case, when I got up I felt strangely focused and refreshed.

School today was a prolonged exercise in boredom. It was a little annoying, too… It got around very quickly that Yukimura and I had broken up, and all of our friends were absolutely devastated. The way they whined about it, you would have thought that all of them had somehow been dumped. I didn't realize that someone else's relationship could matter so much to them.

Renji was the only salvation I had through all of this. He was the one who calmly explained to everyone that our decision was between me and Yukimura, and that they should be sympathetic and stop making it a bigger deal than it was. After school, Renji asked me if I wanted to come over to his house. I said yes. I felt bad about what I said to him yesterday… I think I was just taking out my anger on him. I didn't really know how to apologize, though, so I thought spending an evening with him might be a good way to show him that I wasn't really mad at him.

We didn't do much. We studied, had dinner, and watched a pointless movie. We also talked, which I think helped me a lot. I asked Renji to explain a few of the reasons why he thought Yukimura and I didn't work out, and I think now I understand some of it a little better. And while I'm still really lonely and upset, I'm starting to realize that breaking up with Yukimura wasn't a _completely _bad thing. I'd still rather have him back, but at least now I don't have to constantly worry about making him happy.

Oh, and I guess I should mention that I did talk to Yukimura today, though it wasn't much. Basically it was just good morning, a question about schoolwork, him asking to borrow a piece of paper, and me asking if he had an extra napkin at lunch. But it wasn't painful for me, at least not as much as I thought it was going be. In fact, it felt rather natural.

Anyway, Renji told me that he thought I was going to be able to move on. He said, "If anyone can get through this, Genichiroh, you can." I hope he's right. I'm certainly going to try.

All of this to say that I really felt more like myself today. I can't explain it… I just felt more focused and under control, and ready and determined to face my problems. I'm not feeling happy, not even nearly… I still get the feeling that I may never smile again (It's not like I often did before). But I'm not going to waste my time talking about it anymore. That's just stupid.

Because of that, I really have nothing more to say. I guess I'll get a good night's sleep instead.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月７日水曜日**

**Wednesday, February 7th**

I have just promised to do the most foolish thing that I have ever done in my entire life.

Naturally, it's all Tezuka's fault.

Well, it goes without saying that I didn't expect to see Tezuka today, not after the way that I told him off over the phone during the weekend. In fact, some strange part of me almost believed that all of this was over, all of the secrets and the matchmaking and the ridiculous expectations. But then again, I suppose that I had forced myself to forget that it certainly wasn't over for Sanada… He still had to face Yukimura about what had happened with Tezuka, and if what he said to me on Sunday was true, he was going to break up with him because of it. So even if it was over for me, it certainly wasn't over for the rest of them…

I probably should have expected that I wasn't going to be allowed to stay out of it, either.

Anyway, Tezuka called me during my lunch hour to ask if he could come over to my house this evening. I have to admit, I wasn't really sure that I wanted to see him, especially because I had no idea why he would want to talk to me (which, given the recent string of events, made me more than a little wary). But I agreed just the same, and then I tried not to think about it for the rest of the school day. I have to admit that I did succeed fairly well in not thinking about the fact that Tezuka was coming over to my house, but it was at the expense of once again spending far too much time thinking about Sanada…

Honestly, I need to stop doing that.

In any case, I had almost forgotten about his visit by the time that the doorbell rang this evening. I had decided that I was going to be as cordial to him as possible, even if I was still somewhat angry with him for everything that had happened over the past month. So I walked downstairs to greet him and proceeded to invite him into my parlor for some tea. Unfortunately, despite my every attempt to keep the tone of our conversation as light-hearted as possible, I could see in his face that he had something that he wanted to say, and it wasn't exactly going to be a casual piece of news. He had that strange light in his eyes again, just like the last time that we had seen each other face to face, and it was fixed on me, so that I had hardly sat down and taken a sip out of my own cup before I started to become truly nervous about what he might have to say.

Well, it wasn't much longer before he said something about how he had talked to Yukimura on the phone last night. I have to admit, my heart started beating faster… A thousand scenarios began racing through my mind, and I couldn't help wondering whether or not they had really done it…

Tezuka instantly answered my unspoken question. He told me that Sanada and Yukimura had ended their relationship.

Of course, I had expected to hear this piece of news sooner or later. Sanada had told me himself that he couldn't possibly stay together with Yukimura after everything that had happened. Yes, I knew that it was coming…

But I didn't expect the flood of emotions that overcame my heart as a result.

I can't really explain all of what I was feeling, but some part of me was terribly sad about it. After all, they were always the picture-perfect couple that everyone whispered about, and I knew for a fact how much Yukimura meant to Sanada. Even if he had broken it off voluntarily, he must have been devastated. And some part of me was still angry with both Yukimura and Tezuka, for making such a mess out of something that had once been quite beautiful.

And yet… and yet…

I'm ashamed to admit it, but there was also a part of me that was _happy_.

It was ridiculous, of course. I never intended to tell Sanada my feelings. I didn't believe for a minute that he could possibly feel the same about me.

But somehow, just hearing that he was available again… That made some terribly foolish part of me start to hope, no matter what the practical side of me was insisting to the contrary.

I truly am a fool.

Well, I couldn't quite hide my agitation at this point, and I knew that Tezuka was looking at me, and so I stood up and stammered something about pouring myself more tea. My back was to him now, so I took a deep breath and set my cup down on the back counter so that I could pick up the teapot. And in the silence, I watched the steam coming out of the spout, and it seemed as though nothing more was going to be said, and I actually felt myself calm down somewhat. So I set the teapot back down and was about to get myself another lump of sugar…

At that point, Tezuka said my name.

I was startled, and the spoon dropped with a clatter, so I tried to pick it up again. And then I noticed that my hands were actually trembling, of all things, and I couldn't quite pick up the spoon again, no matter how hard I tried to fumble for it… So I was about to give up and ask Tezuka what he wanted, when Tezuka spoke again.

This time, I completely forget about the tea.

He asked me one simple question…

"You're in love with Sanada, aren't you?"

In that moment, my heart actually stopped beating. I was stunned. I couldn't even find a single word to say in reply… Of course, the answer to his question was yes, but I couldn't even believe that the question had been asked. After all, I had only just learned the answer to that question myself, and it goes without saying that I had been hiding my feelings ever since. What's more, Tezuka hadn't even seen me since I had realized it, not until this very same evening. Could he really tell that much, just after a few moments of looking into my face? I was almost frightened by the thought. If he could see it, then who was to say that I could keep fooling everyone else…?

Then Tezuka said my name again, right next to my ear, and I was shocked to see that he was suddenly standing by my side. And I could see in his eyes that he was still asking me that fatal question, and that look in his face was driving the truth out of me, in spite of my vow to never tell a single person about it…

The next thing I knew, I had murmured out a reluctant, "Yes."

Well, it didn't take long for him to start insisting that I should tell Sanada how I felt, but I finally had the presence of mind to return to my senses. And so it took me all of a split second to reply with a decided, "Not for the world," and I took my cup off of the counter and walked away from him. He sighed and followed me back to the sofa, and then he kept insisting that I should confess. But I interrupted him and told him that I wasn't the slightest bit interested in cleaning up after the mess that he and Yukimura had made, no matter how convenient it might seem to be for them both.

Tezuka suddenly got very quiet, so I thought that perhaps I had made a point that even he couldn't deny. I started to add that there was absolutely no reason why he couldn't start pursuing Yukimura now, if that was what he wanted, as long as they left me out it…

But then Tezuka interrupted me, almost too quietly. He said, "That has nothing to do with this. And Yukimura has already made it clear that it's never going to happen."

Well, of course I was surprised, so I asked him what he meant by that. He told me once again that Yukimura had never wanted that kiss to happen in the first place, and that it had been his own mistake. But most importantly, Yukimura had specifically told him that there could never be anything between them after that, and they would just have to forget that it had ever happened. And apparently Tezuka had agreed with him.

I have to admit that I was confused. I couldn't help asking why they had decided that, but Tezuka didn't answer me. And suddenly, I felt almost sorry for him… After all, Yukimura had talked him into getting involved, and it seemed as though he had actually become emotionally invested in the situation. Even if he wasn't exactly in love with Yukimura (and I'm still not entirely sure that he isn't), I could see that he was definitely unhappy with what they had decided. And I really couldn't understand what they had been trying to do through all of this, if now that it was all over, they weren't even going to acknowledge their apparent attraction to each other…

It just all seemed so _pointless_.

So I told him that. And I asked him what in the hell Yukimura had been trying to accomplish through all of this, if he was willing to throw his relationship with Sanada away over some technicality about physical attraction. And then I demanded to know why Tezuka had wanted to get involved, if the only thing that had happened in all of this chaos was that four perfectly content people were now perfectly miserable.

I set my cup down on the table, and I was about to get up and walk away again, but then Tezuka grabbed me by the hand and told me to sit down. I was almost shocked by the look in his eyes; it was as if they had suddenly caught fire, and I felt myself swallow uncomfortably. And then he started to talk, and I found myself focusing on every single word as though my life depended on it. I'd never seen him so passionate before, not even during that time when we had both stood on the same court and fought through the most painful tiebreaker I have ever played…

Even now, I still haven't forgotten a word of what he said.

"Listen to me, Atobe. I'm not here to argue with you about what Yukimura was trying to do. But I believe that he wanted the same thing that I did. And I'm only going to say this once, and I don't want you to doubt it for a second. There is only one reason that I ever agreed to get involved in this mess…"

I can still remember the sudden pressure of his hand on mine, as he said the next sentence.

"I did it for you."

I was speechless. I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I simply couldn't. And so he went on to tell me that the only reason that he had agreed to help Yukimura was because he was convinced that I had been falling in love with Sanada all along, and he wanted the two of us to be happy together. He said that Yukimura had never intended to hurt Sanada, and that from the very beginning, their only goal had been to help the both of us realize how attracted we were to each other. The only thing that they had ever wanted was for the two of us to become a couple. It wasn't a test, and it wasn't a trick… They just wanted to help us see it for ourselves. Tezuka went on to say that when he found out that this was Yukimura's true motive, he couldn't help agreeing to get involved with the whole plan, since he had always known how lonely I was and how I had always hoped for the chance to love someone.

Well, I didn't quite know what to feel… Of course, I was touched by what Tezuka had said, and I did believe him… I believed every word that he said about his own motives. But that only compounded my frustration at the one crucial error in their assumptions. And so I finally couldn't stop myself from blurting it out…

I told him that they were completely wrong. Sanada wasn't in love with me. And he never would be.

This was more painful to say than I would have expected, so I wrenched my hand out of his grasp and walked toward one of the windows. By the time that I had started looking through the glass at the garden lights down below, Tezuka had already asked me why I thought that Sanada could never love me. I couldn't repress a weak laugh at that, but I just said that we had always been enemies, and that the only one that Sanada loved was Yukimura. I couldn't help thinking about the way he had looked so desperate, when he sat in that very room and told me that Yukimura was everything to him. Even now, I'm not truly convinced that he could ever fall in love with anyone else.

But then Tezuka said something that pierced me right through the heart…

"Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life, Atobe?"

I felt my fists clench in frustration, and I told him that of course I didn't want that, but there was still no way that Sanada could fall in love with someone like me. And then suddenly, Tezuka agreed with me.

As much as I had wanted to argue with him before, some silly part of me now wanted to take his previous position and argue it to the death. But that was ridiculous, and I knew it, and so I simply demanded to know why he was suddenly on my side.

Tezuka just sighed, and then he got up from where he was sitting and walked toward me. And he stood next to me, and then he told me that I was right… There was no way that Sanada was going to fall in love with me if I insisted on hiding myself from him. Suddenly, I couldn't help thinking of all the times that he had told me that I couldn't expect Sanada to know how I felt if I was always hiding my feelings, and that acting like a fake would never solve the problems between us… I asked him quietly if this was what he had meant by all of that. And he nodded, very seriously, and then he said the strangest thing…

"You've always lived your life by hiding behind a mask, Atobe. And that's why no one can fall in love with you. They can't see who you really are. You can't expect someone to love something that they can't see."

I didn't know what to say.

Tezuka was absolutely right.

That is the sole reason why Sanada and I are enemies, and that is also the reason why Sanada can't even stand to be around me. After all, I'm always acting like a heartless egomaniac in front of him, and who in the world could love someone who is only in love with himself? Of course he would never guess that I could love someone else… I'm always too busy informing him of how wonderful I am to even mention what I think of him, or anybody else, for that matter. How could he ever guess that I feel anything at all for another person? How could he know that there is more to me than a self-absorbed jerk who is only interested in my own abilities? How could he understand that the only reason that I act this way is just so that I can protect myself?

Even now, wasn't that the only reason why I was refusing to tell him how I felt? I was just too afraid of getting hurt. And that's exactly why I'm always so miserable.

I am forcing myself to be alone.

My heart was throbbing in my chest at this point, because I knew what was coming… But I asked Tezuka what I should do anyway.

And so he repeated himself for the third time. He told me that I should tell Sanada that I was in love with him. He then told me over and over again that it was the only way that Sanada would know how I felt, and that if I never took a risk, I could never expect anyone to accept a heart that was never offered. He told me that he and Yukimura were certain that if I would only show Sanada my true feelings, that he would fall in love with me as well. And he said that the only thing that was certain was that Sanada would never think twice about me if I never said anything to him.

I am such a reckless fool…

I promised Tezuka that I would tell him.

Even now, over three hours after Tezuka left my house, I can't believe that I gave him my word that I would tell Sanada how I felt. At the time, it seemed like the only answer that I could give… After all, I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, and the only way that I will ever find someone who could return my love is if I take a risk and expose my own heart.

But now, the only thing that I can seem to think about is every single reason why I had sworn to myself that I would never tell him. It's a terrible risk, after all, and I've been hurt before, and it really does seem like no one will ever feel that way about me… Especially not Sanada, who has always despised me and only just ended a relationship yesterday, a relationship that he treasured more than anything else in the entire world.

Yes, this is complete lunacy.

And yet… and yet…

And yet that terribly foolish part of me has started to hope against hope, just the same, and somehow, I still believe every well-intentioned word that Tezuka said. And I did promise him that I would tell Sanada the truth, and I won't be able to take it back without entering into another debate with him about it, a debate in which I will probably end up believing him all over again…

Well, then, let me take the plunge to my own ruin, regardless of my every misgiving.

It won't be the first time that I've done something unspeakably stupid.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月８日木曜日**

**Thursday, February 8th**

Today was a little harder than yesterday. I'm not sure why, exactly… I guess it kind of didn't start out very well. I was almost late to school.

I might as well be honest. I woke up this morning and realized I'd had a wet dream. I don't remember what the hell I was dreaming about, but I can't say the timing was ideal, considering that I just broke up with Yukimura. I mean, I woke up again with that vague feeling that I'd had a good dream… And then about a minute after my alarm went off, I remembered that I didn't even have a boyfriend anymore. I felt so lonely suddenly. I'm kind of surprised that I was even _able_ to have a good dream about Yukimura… At least, I _think_ it must have been about him…

Anyway, I wanted to take care of it myself, because I was feeling a little embarrassed about it. (I'm still almost too embarrassed to write about it, but I figure no one's going to read this…) I soon realized, though, that I was still going to have to ask Mother to wash my bedclothes. It took me a few minutes and a lot of debating with myself to finally go tell her. She was very understanding, of course, but by that point I didn't have much time to get ready for school, and I had to run to catch the last train that would get me to school on time.

So already, I was feeling stressed.

The rest of the day was just little things. A pop quiz, a jammed pencil, a stray insensitive remark from Marui at lunch about the breakup… Just things like that. Nothing important, just enough to make me feel like I'd had a bad day.

Oh, except there was one other thing…

Atobe called me this evening.

He said he "wanted to talk to me about something." We're going to meet at the park where we keep running into each other, tomorrow after school. He sounded a little funny over the phone… A little too serious, and almost quiet… I don't know what that was all about, but I sort of have a bad feeling about it.

First of all, I just don't want to deal with him. Sure, it was nice that he was somewhat sensitive when I was trying to deal with everything at first, but I've moved on now. The best I can hope for is that he'll still be pitying me. I don't need or want his pity anymore. And I don't particularly like dealing with Atobe Keigo, ever.

And even worse, I doubt that's really what's going to happen; I'm probably not going to get any more pity from him. It's all too perfect, really. He was nice to me this weekend because, what do you know, he _does_ have a shred of a human soul and he felt kind of bad for me. So, not really paying attention to what he was doing, he let me stay over and bought me a nice little gift. But then he must have realized he made a fatal mistake. ("Oh, that's right; I HATE Sanada Genichiroh. I can't have him thinking that I might—gasp—consider him worthy to be treated like a human being. Or even, that I might vaguely _like _him as a person." Faint. "Unthinkable!")

So now he's calling me out to take it all back.

I can just see it now… "Don't you dare think that this means we're friends or anything. What I did was purely _charity _for someone whom I consider _most unfortunate, _and it just proves that I'm _above you _and _nicer than you _and _better than you _in absolutely every way. But it's not going to happen again, Sanada. No, our feud is not over. Not that I'm implying that you're at all worthy of my time, but _honestly, _someone has to put you in your place, and I know that if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. So prepare yourself to be humbled in my presence. That's all. If you have anything to say, don't say it; I really don't have time to listen. And even if I did have time to spare—which I might, don't doubt that I wouldn't think twice about lying to you—I wouldn't waste it in your company. I'm leaving."

This is exactly why I said I didn't want to think about his motivations. Because even if I'm going out on a limb and exaggerating quite a bit, the alternative isn't much better. Like I said, the best I can expect is more pity. Doesn't that still mean that he thinks he's above me?

I don't want to see Atobe ever again. Maybe it's not his fault, but now I'm always going to connect seeing him to everything that went wrong with Yukimura. I've said before that it seems like his reappearance in my life coincided with my relationship breaking apart…

Still, somehow, when he asked to see me, I wasn't able to argue with him. I guess I just wasn't in the mood.

I don't really care anymore. Whatever happens, things can't get much worse for me right now. Maybe I'll just let him give his little speech about his "generosity," say nothing, and then turn around and leave. It takes two to argue, after all.

I'm going to bed.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月８日木曜日**

**Thursday, February 8th**

I have a terrible feeling that I have just done something that I am going to regret for the rest of my life.

I just finished talking to Sanada on the phone.

I'll try to start from the beginning, like I always do, but I almost feel as though I don't have the energy… It was a long day, but there was hardly anything in it worth talking about, except for that single phone call. Still, I will try to work through it just like I would with any other entry, even though I'm very tempted to skip ahead to the only part that matters.

I had a horrible time trying to get to sleep last night. Every single time that I was just about to drift off to sleep, I would remember that I had promised to tell Sanada how I felt, and then my thoughts would start racing so quickly that I would be wide awake again. I would start wondering what I was going to say when I finally worked up the courage to tell him, and what he was going to say in response, and what would happen after that… And then I would tell myself that I was acting like an idiot, and I would bury my face in my pillows and try to go to sleep. But inevitably, every time that I had finally gotten myself to relax again, the thought would come right back into my head and keep me awake for another hour.

Well, in the end, I don't think that I got more than three hours of sleep last night, and it showed by the time that I looked into my bathroom mirror during my morning routine. And so I sighed and resigned myself to an extra ten minutes of trying to cover up those ugly dark circles under my eyes… By that point, I hardly even cared enough to go through the trouble of keeping up appearances, but I was too tired to endure a barrage of questions from every single person in the universe, asking why in the world Atobe Keigo looked like a train wreck today.

Sometimes I really do wish that I was the sort of person that nobody ever notices.

When that was finished, I dragged myself off to school and proceeded to try to keep my eyes open during all my classes. I was actually fairly successful as far as that went, and by the time lunch came around, I was feeling much more alert.

But then the strangest thing happened… Nearly all of my former teammates started asking if there was something that was bothering me. Of course, I said no, but then Jiroh started asking me if I wanted anything out of his lunch, and Kabaji handed me my napkin before I even needed it, and Oshitari changed the subject by launching into one of his sardonic speeches about "the incredibly stupid thing that Gakuto did today," which is always calculated to make everyone in the room laugh (except of course for Gakuto, who usually responds by punching him in the arm and making us laugh all over again). And the anecdote was even more amusing than usual, because they had both caught Shishido and Ootori's cold and were talking in the most comically nasal voices.

And I suppose that perhaps I was just imagining it, but there was a part of me that felt almost embarrassed about the whole situation…

I hope that I didn't look like such a mess that they had actually started to _pity_ me.

In any case, I survived the rest of the day at school without any other incidents worth mentioning, and then I trudged back home again. From the very moment that I walked into my house, I could feel a horrible knot forming in my stomach…

I had promised Tezuka that I would tell Sanada how I felt.

How was I going to do that, anyway? I couldn't just call him up and tell him how I felt… Could I? It seemed like a phone call would feel almost surreal, like I would always wonder if I ever really told him. And I couldn't write a letter, either… As much as I liked the idea of avoiding the humiliation of telling him to his face, that was an even more impersonal method than the phone call. He would probably just think that it was some kind of joke.

He's probably still going to think that it's some kind of joke, by the time that I actually manage to get the words out.

Anyway, I finally decided that I was going to have to see him face to face, if I was really going to work up the courage tell him. And the only way that I could do that was by calling him to set up a time and place. So I decided that I was going to call him right after dinner… But then I ended up feeling too nervous to eat, so I went back up to my room and waited until I thought that his family must have been finished with their meal. And then I picked up my cell phone and found his home number… I must have tried to press the call button five times before I finally forced my thumb down, and then I took a deep breath and put the receiver to my ear.

There was no way that I could get out of it now.

The instant that I heard his voice on the other line, my heart started pounding, but I forced my voice to sound as calm as possible when I told him who was calling. It wasn't long before he was demanding to know what I wanted… He sounded rather irritable, which wasn't exactly a good sign, but I knew that I couldn't just hang up on him at this point…

So I told him that there was something that I wanted to tell him, and then I asked him rather awkwardly if I could see him tomorrow. He let out this kind of frustrated sigh and asked where I wanted to meet him, so I suggested the fountain in that downtown park. (It seemed appropriate, since we had met there so often over the past month.) He agreed to meet me there right after school, and then we both hung up… I wanted to ask him why he sounded so irritable, but it seemed like he was more than ready to stop talking, so I didn't press the issue. Besides, it wasn't very hard to guess what could have been bothering him… He just broke up with his boyfriend two days ago, after all. So I flipped my cell phone shut, put it back inside my school bag, and decided that I would start writing my journal entry for the day.

And now I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking about the fact that I've just arranged a meeting with someone in order to confess my deepest feelings to him, but this someone has probably spent the day pining away over the one person that he truly loves, which isn't me, and the only thing that I will ever really be to him is his most hated enemy…

I feel rather sick.

Well, it's too late for me to take it back… If nothing else, I'll just have to show up at the fountain tomorrow and make up some ridiculous story about why I wanted to see him. At least that way I'll be able to keep my dignity, and I won't have to endure the pain of yet another rejection, and Sanada won't even know the difference, as long as I don't give him the chance to find out…

But I promised that I would tell him.

Oh, god… I really do have to tell him.

I have a feeling that I'm not going to be able to get much sleep tonight either.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

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Up next! Atobe keeps his promise, but it doesn't turn out the way anyone expected...


	11. Shattered

**Disclaimer: **Konomi owns all, including our souls. We own nothing.

**Authors' Notes: **We tried not to keep you guys waiting too long! Here's the next (very dramatic) chapter. Hope you like it! We shower our reviewers with much love and cherry blossom petals.

* * *

**２月９日金曜日**

**Friday, February 9th**

I have no clue what to think anymore.

Atobe Keigo just told me he loves me.

As I write this, I still can't believe it. I must be going crazy. It couldn't have actually happened, right?

What a day it's been. I've felt so many different things in the past twenty hours that I don't even know how to feel now…

I woke up this morning still feeling depressed. I didn't even want to get out of bed; I think I pressed my snooze alarm twice, which is incredibly rare for me. But once I got to school, I started feeling a little better. I found out that I actually did pretty well on that stupid pop quiz yesterday, and everything else was normal and pleasant and I'd almost completely forgotten about Atobe. Even when it got towards the end of the day and I had to start thinking about our meeting this evening, I was in such a good mood by that point that I felt ready to face him.

That quickly ended, though.

I had to go turn something in at the front office after school, so I did, but left my things in the classroom. When I went back to get them, I heard Yukimura talking to someone on his cell phone. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt a kind of hesitant about going inside the classroom right away, so I stayed outside the door for a minute and listened.

Sure enough, I heard him say Tezuka's name.

He sounded sickeningly happy, too. He was saying something about…

Oh, god.

They were talking about Atobe.

I heard Yukimura say something like, "Tonight? Really?... He's really going to tell him?... That's wonderful. Thank you, Tezuka, so much…" I didn't understand it at the time, and I didn't really think about it much. I don't completely get it now, either… Why did Tezuka know what Atobe was going to tell me? And why did he want to tell Yukimura about it?

It makes sense, though, that Yukimura sounded so happy. I'm sure he's still convinced that I'm going to fall in love with someone else. Does he think I'm just going to go out with the first person who tells me they have a crush on me?

Well, Yukimura, it didn't work out that way.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I didn't go into the classroom until after Yukimura hung up, and I resisted the temptation to shoot him a meaningful glance. I was so angry. The thought that Yukimura had already moved on and was talking so happily with Tezuka made me absolutely sick. (I'm still not positive that I had no reason to be angry. How do I know that Atobe was _all _they talked about?) I grabbed my stuff and left the classroom as quickly as possible, without saying a word to Yukimura.

Then when I got to the train station, I realized I didn't have my cell phone. I had been planning on calling my mother to remind her that I was going downtown, but obviously that didn't happen. I left it on my desk after I talked to Atobe last night. (So, really, it's partly his fault for calling me… Why do I still feel like such an idiot?) It was extremely frustrating for some reason; I really wanted to hit something.

Then, of course, I realized that it wasn't such a big deal; my mother already knew where I was going. I knew I was just angry about Yukimura, and getting nervous about having to talk to Atobe, and it just seemed like forgetting my phone on top of all that wasn't fair. So as I boarded the train and sat down, my frustration cooled into something more like depression. All I could think about was the fact that Yukimura had sounded so happy, talking to Tezuka… For all I knew, they were going on a date tonight…

It just didn't seem fair. And then, feeling like that, I was going to have to face Atobe.

It would have been enough if my troubles had ended there. But they didn't. About twenty minutes later, the train suddenly lurched to stop.

The damn thing was delayed.

Why? Well, I can't say the reason was something I hadn't heard before. It's something we all just kind of live with, something that anyone who frequently rides the trains has learned to accept or ignore. Of course, it wasn't announced over the speaker, but the whispers worked their way towards the back of the train in very little time.

Someone had jumped in front of one of the trains and committed suicide.

It must have been really bad. We were sitting there for more than an hour. And I couldn't help thinking about it… It's one of those things that, every once in a while, will hit you really hard, and it forces you to stop and ponder it for a minute. It was sad. And I found it incredibly annoying that some businessman standing near me kept looking at his watch and making impatient grunting noises. Then when he called his collegues to let them know he'd be late for their all-important dinner meeting, he said something like, "Oh, you know, the usual. Someone jumped in front of the trains again. I don't know why it's taking so long…"

That seems like an awful thing to say when someone's being scraped off the tracks.

That man did remind me, though, that it really would be a good idea to call Atobe to let him know I was delayed. But, again, I didn't have my cell phone… I would have asked to borrow someone else's, but I don't actually know Atobe's number; I just have it stored in my address book. So I started kicking myself even more.

And so I was sitting there for an hour, feeling like an idiot for forgetting my phone, not looking forward to seeing Atobe, angry at Yukimura and Tezuka, lonely, unable to get the suicide out of my head…

Somehow, it crossed my mind that the person who'd jumped might have had the right idea.

I don't think that I _seriously _considered the possibility… but I couldn't seem to get it off my mind. Everything suddenly seemed so petty, in that moment. I'd been dragging myself to school for the past few days, doing my homework, going through my usual routine… for what? What was the point of it all? After everything that's been going on lately, the day-to-day stuff seems so much more worthless. Wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to do it anymore, if it was just _over_?

It also scared me how easy it would have been. I'm only fifteen; death is one of those things that doesn't even feel like a possibility. But now that I thought about it, it really wouldn't be so hard to walk onto one of those bridges above the tracks—the same kind I've walked on thousands of times—go to the side, lift one leg over the railing, then two, and then just let myself fall…

I literally shuddered at the thought. I couldn't believe what ideas were going through my head. And I told myself, "Never," but I remembered that I still had to face Atobe, that he'd probably belittle me and insult me because I was late, and make me feel even more worthless than I already felt, and slowly "Never" started to become something more like, "Well, we'll see…"

I told myself to snap out of it. This wasn't like me at all. I would never do something so melodramatic; it's ridiculous. My life isn't over, no matter how attached I was to Yukimura. Ten years from now, I'll be over it. It may still ache a little to think about it, but at that point, I'll at least have moved on. That's hardly consolation right at this moment, but this depression, which _will_ pass, even if it takes a while, is no good excuse to want to die. I still know plenty of people who really care about me, and would be devastated if I did something stupid. I knew I should throw the idea out of my head, if only for the sake of those people.

But the thought still lingered there, in the back of my mind.

The train lurched back into motion, and thirty minutes later, I was at my stop. I made my way to the park as fast as I could without running (I was feeling really tired, for some reason). It was completely dark, though, by the time I got there.

I was almost surprised to see him there, actually. I sort of expected to discover that he hadn't bothered waiting for me, and had gone home with the intent to call me later and lecture me, then reschedule. But he was there, and sure enough, he was _angry. _I've never seen him so furious. Usually he keeps his composure somewhat, but he started yelling at me right away for being late.

My plan was to not argue with him, in an effort to keep from fanning the flames any further. So I tried to calmly explain that the train was delayed, and immediately (still yelling), he asked why I didn't call, and why I didn't answer when he tried to reach me. It was more difficult to hide my agitation when I told him that I'd forgotten my cell phone. I was still shocked, though, that he was so livid. Then he said, "Of course you forgot. Could you be any more careless?"

I snapped. I wasn't going to take this from him.

So I yelled right back, asking him what in the hell his problem was. He started to try to answer, but… he couldn't.

He started _crying_.

I was _shocked. _He was still stuttering, trying to come up with an answer to my question, and I just stood there for a moment, utterly unable to speak. Atobe Keigo was _crying. _When I finally was able to ask him why he was doing that, my voice sounded so quiet that I wasn't sure he heard me. He turned away slightly, his head bowed in an effort to hide his face. He then insisted that he wasn't crying. What was I, stupid? Anyone could see that he was.

And it was _scaring _me.

Why was he crying? I still don't understand it… I mean, it must take a _lot_ to make someone like Atobe cry. I guess I didn't have much time to think about it then, and I didn't even quite realize how surreal it was. At the time, I'm not even sure I knew it was actually happening…

I insisted again that he _was _crying, and he repeated that he wasn't. I wasn't about to let him get away with that, so, on an impulse, I stepped closer and reached out to touch his face. Sure enough, a tear slipped right onto my finger. I was going to pull back then to show him, to prove that I was right so I could ask him why again…

He took my hand and held it against his cheek.

I could have pulled away if I'd really tried, but I felt like I was paralyzed. I didn't understand what he was doing. My heart started beating really fast; I'm still not sure why… I felt a few more drops of water touch my fingers, but they stopped before he spoke again. He was looking down—I couldn't see his eyes—and his voice was so soft that I could hardly hear it.

He said, "Haven't you noticed?"

I was confused. My natural response was, "Noticed what?" There was a small pause then, and it felt somehow like the night air itself was holding its breath.

And then he said it.

"That I'm falling for you," were his exact words.

I still can't believe he actually said that.

Where the hell did that come from? Since when has he felt anything for me besides distaste? How long has he been "falling for me"? And was he just waiting for Yukimura to dump me, so he could tell me?

I didn't know what to do. My mind was reeling, my heart was still pounding… The ground seemed like it had tilted a bit and started to spin. I felt like I could hardly stand.

I couldn't deal with it. I just couldn't.

I never wanted this to happen.

I jerked my hand away, suddenly frightened. I think I sputtered out that I was sorry, and then I basically turned and ran.

God, I'm such an idiot. But I really didn't know what else to do.

On the way home, I tried to calm down and sort everything out. At first I'd convinced myself that it was impossible, that I was either dreaming, going crazy, or just hadn't heard correctly. But of course none of that really made any sense. So I had to assume that he'd actually said it, and then I started wondering if, in fact, I _had_ noticed him falling for me…

And… I guess I had.

I mean, he's been acting kind of strange for a while… Like the way he sounded over the phone, just yesterday, kind of quiet and serious… And how nice he was to me this weekend. The way he looked up into my eyes when I tackled him into the snow. The way he was acting when he came to my house for dinner. Even the strange flash of something in his eyes when I complimented him on his hair, and he asked me, "How do you do that?"… That feels like such a long time ago…

Suddenly, I could hardly believe I _hadn't_ realized it before. It all seemed so painfully obvious, so much so that I actually started to feel a sort of constricting ache in my chest. Because it was true after all, and I still had no clue what do about it. I still don't.

I don't love him.

But this whole thing did make me realize…

I was completely wrong about him.

Well, maybe not completely. Atobe Keigo _is_ a fake. He wears a flawless mask; he hides his true self after all.

But what's underneath that mask isn't what I thought it would be.

He's not a horrible person. He's not evil or even all that arrogant. The way he used to insult me all the time… _That _was his defense, just another part of his mask. The real Atobe Keigo is the one who bought me a really nice pen when I needed something to cheer me up, the one who said my name so softly when I brushed the snowflakes out of his hair, the one who admitted, with a slightly ironic smile, that he couldn't even make his own toast.

But how was I supposed to know that?

How was I supposed to expect any of this? And why did he have to tell me _now_? For heaven's sake, I just broke up with my boyfriend; I'm not ready for another relationship. I'm not ready to even think about anything having to do with boyfriends or dating or love… And I don't love him. What was I supposed to do? I'm so confused. I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore.

And I still can't figure out the answer to the most important question…

Why did he fall for _me_?

I mean, honestly, what the hell? What happened? I thought it was just mutually understood that we hated each other. Maybe we don't always act like we do, but since when did we agree to stop fighting? And why would someone like him fall for someone like me, anyway? What about all that stuff he was always telling me? Like that I was boring and dull and unintelligent and had no personality and was a waste of time to talk to…

Am I missing something here?

I don't know what to do. I've thought about calling him, but I really wouldn't know what to say. All I could come up with is, "I'm sorry," and I already said that… What more can I really say? I don't love him. What am I supposed to do?

I hope he's alright.

Maybe I'll call him some other time, when I'm thinking more clearly. But right now, I'd probably make things worse somehow, knowing me… I'd probably panic again…

I should just go to bed. I wonder if I'll even be able to sleep tonight.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月９日金曜日**

**Friday, February 9th**

What part of a human being is it, that tiny piece inside all of us that always wants to hope for the impossible, even in the face of the most adverse circumstances?

I just wish that I knew… So that I could kill it once and for all.

And it's just so cold here…

No, I need to start over. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Well, it's late, and the word "exhausted" doesn't even seem sufficient to describe my drained state of being, and what's worse, the words on this page won't stop blurring together, no matter how hard I try to keep my eyes open. But I have the strangest feeling that if I don't write this journal entry tonight, I won't get the opportunity to write it tomorrow. And I am too tired at this point to do anything except submit to my most nonsensical impulses.

Alright… To start at the beginning, then…

I was right; I got hardly any sleep last night. In fact, I believe that I even failed to match the scant three hours of rest that I was able to get on Wednesday night. I spent most of the evening pacing around my room, trying to convince myself that everything was going to be fine, as well as trying to decide how I was supposed to do something as crazy as confess my deepest feelings to someone like Sanada Genichiroh. Needless to say, I never was able to settle such a question to my satisfaction, and I woke up looking like a mess and proceeded to stumble through the day with all the lively zest of an undead zombie.

I called Tezuka at some point during the morning, and informed him that I was planning on telling Sanada how I felt this afternoon. He seemed rather surprised that I had arranged a meeting as quickly as I did, and he even asked if I was comfortable with the idea of confessing so soon. But I just muttered something about how I would rather get it over with, since part of me was convinced that if I cancelled now, I would never work up the courage to arrange a second meeting with him.

That was probably true, too; I barely survived the tumult of emotions I experienced for the rest of that day without dialing Sanada's number to cancel on him. The exchange with Tezuka did encourage some of my worst fears, though, when it came to worrying that I was about to do the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. And so I went through the rest of the day feeling even more anxious than I had during the previous evening.

Still, I survived through the day one way or another, and the next thing that I knew, I was directing my limousine driver to head for the downtown park where Sanada had promised to meet me after school. During the whole drive there, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I had promised to confess to him, and I found myself getting more and more nervous with each passing moment… What was I going to say to him? I still had no idea how to phrase my confession, and given my usual talent for expressing myself, that feeling of not knowing what to say was terrifying. And that wasn't even counting the fact that I was afraid in the first place… Yes, Atobe Keigo was _afraid_ of something.

Where was my indestructible self-confidence? Where was that arrogant narcissism that would stop at nothing to get what it wanted (and thought that it deserved)? Where was that haughty optimism that would have simply assumed that Sanada Genichiroh would be honored to receive my affections?

Well, wherever all of that was, it wasn't inside of me during that car ride. I was absolutely certain the entire time that Sanada was going to laugh in my face.

I have to admit, however, that I could still feel some of my usual pride tugging at my heart… But instead of urging me to confess to Sanada, this pride was telling me over and over again to keep my mouth shut, to at least maintain some remnant of my dignity, to quit while I was still ahead. It was this pride that fought so hard against the idea of humbling myself enough to tell Sanada that I loved him. It was this pride that cringed at the idea of submitting myself to the possibility of another rejection.

It was this pride that hated the fact that I had dared to fall in love in the first place.

And who could blame it? After all, my pride was the one thing that I had been careful to protect, through all of these years of keeping people at a distance and acting as though nothing in the whole world could hurt me. My pride was the one thing that I clung to, when everyone else would whisper behind my back about what a "horrible person" I was and deliberately misinterpret every good deed that I tried to accomplish. My pride was my safeguard, my comfort…

No, my pride was my _idol_, and it was finally in danger of being smashed to pieces.

Needless to say, by the time that the drive was over, I was finding it quite difficult to persuade myself to get out of my limousine. All the promises and possibilities aside, I was still convinced that it was a completely moronic idea and I was doomed to fail. But then I glanced through the window and caught a glimpse of that fountain, where I was supposed to be meeting Sanada… He wasn't there yet, of course, but there was something about that familiar setting that made me remember the last time that we had been there together, when he had started that ridiculous snowball fight and tackled me to the ground. And I could feel that fluttering in my chest again, that strange sensation that had filled my whole body when his face had been so close to mine…

And suddenly, I was throwing caution to the wind and hurrying up to that fountain as fast as my legs could carry me.

The first fifteen minutes were almost exciting, as I paced around the fountain and kept looking in every possible direction, trying to see if he was coming. It was freezing cold outside, but I was moving around so much that I hardly even thought about it. During those moments, I was somehow convinced that I could look Sanada in the face and confidently tell him that I loved him, regardless of the consequences. After all, I was used to taking risks, wasn't I? The only thing shameful in terms of taking a risk is being too afraid to ever take one.

Besides, the thought of that snowball fight had suddenly caused me to think of all the pleasant moments that Sanada and I had shared over the past month… The way we met again at the concert, the stray compliment that he had given me about my hair in the most unexpected moment, the friendly conversation we had during dinner at his house, the shopping trip over the weekend when I bought him that pen… Granted, there had been some pretty awful times in the past month as well, but those good moments made me want to believe that Sanada couldn't really see me as nothing more than an enemy.

For a brief moment, as I thought of that beautiful smile of his, I even imagined that he might smile at me like that when I told him how I felt.

But as the fifteen minutes wore on into a half hour, I started to get nervous again… It's not as though Sanada was exactly late at that point, since he had farther to travel than I did, but it was getting closer to the time when he could have been walking to the park from the train station. And at the thought that he really was going to be there, in only a matter of minutes, made me so nervous that I forgot to focus on pleasant memories. Instead, I couldn't stop remembering all the times that we had fought… Every single little thing that he had said to me echoed in my mind, and I started to wonder when I had started paying so much attention to what Sanada Genichiroh thought of me…

Suddenly, I discovered to my shock that I could still remember the first thing that I ever heard him say about me, nearly three years ago at a junior invitational tournament for first-year players. It was one of my most uncomfortable memories from all of junior high school, in fact.

Yukimura, whom I had already met before, had been walking next to Sanada on their way to the courts, when Sanada apparently glanced at me and asked, rather too loudly, "Who is _that_?" I could hear the whole exchange between them, even though I was several feet away and in the middle of retrieving my water bottle from my tennis bag. Yukimura replied in that calm way of his, "That's Atobe Keigo. He's the player from Hyotei Gakuen that I told you about."

And then Sanada's scoffing reply met my ears: "He doesn't look like much of a threat."

I couldn't even hear Yukimura's response; they were already too far away by that point. But I remember the way that my face burned with shame at such a trivialization of my abilities, when Sanada hadn't even seen me play yet. Of course, I already knew who Sanada was; everyone at that tournament knew who Sanada was. He was the powerhouse player that all the tennis magazines were raving about, the skillful freshman whose movements were said to be evocative of ancient Japanese warriors. He was the one that the newspaper had already predicted would win the invitational tournament.

The newspapers weren't right, of course. His classmate Yukimura Seiichi won that tournament, in a final match against Tezuka Kunimitsu, who came away with second place that day. Sanada Genichiroh ranked in at third.

As for me, I didn't even make the pedestal.

In fact, that was the day that I swore that I wouldn't just become the captain of Hyotei's two-hundred-member tennis club. No, I was going to become the top player in all of Japan. I was going to surpass those three people on that pedestal, and I was never going to suffer my talents to go unrecognized again. I suppose that part of the reason that I made that vow was because of Sanada's dismissive comment that day.

When I suddenly remembered all of this, I realized that I had _always_ paid attention to what Sanada Genichiroh thought of me.

Needless to say, the memory wasn't exactly comforting, especially given my present situation… In fact, it was downright depressing, since I already knew that I had failed to keep my vow to myself in the following years. It just forced me to realize how little things had really changed since then; after all, here I was, still chasing after the unreachable and wishing for the stars and hoping that someone like Sanada Genichiroh would approve of me, when he never had, not once in the past three years.

What was I doing there, anyway? Was I really going to confess my love to someone who had always thought so little of me?

Why was I setting myself up for the worst disappointment in my entire life?

It was then that I noticed that thirty minutes had worn on into a whole hour, and there was still no sign of Sanada. At first, I wasn't particularly worried; it wasn't so hard to believe that he had missed the first train to Tokyo, which could have meant a delay of as much as fifteen or twenty minutes. But that meant that he really would be there at any moment, so I had to pull myself together if I was going to tell him the truth. I had to get all of those negative comments out of my mind and try to focus on the good memories…

"_Meeting you was an unfortunate coincidence."_

"_At least I have a boyfriend."_

"_You're all talk, Atobe Keigo."_

"_Your only goal seems to be making people into enemies."_

"_You're so full of it. Just leave me alone."_

"_You'd just laugh at my pain."_

… But I just couldn't seem to get all of those bitter words out of my head.

Oh, god. What was I _doing_? This was the kind of thing that Sanada Genichiroh really thought of me. He didn't think that I was his friend… He thought I was a fraud and a sadist and a first-rate nuisance.

And I was about to tell him that I loved him.

I would be lucky if the only thing that he did was laugh in my face.

Of course, as the minutes ticked on and the sun started to set, I kept thinking about this, and the more I did, the more I realized it was my own fault that Sanada thought so little of me. After all, for every insult he had given me, my pride had always insisted that I pay him back double for it. Every single time we met, we were always going at each other's throats, and I was usually the more aggressive one when it came to verbal abuse. Who was the one who was talking over seventy-five percent of the time? Of course, that was me, and I was even quicker to dish out insults than he was. I can't even remember all of the times that I've told him that he was "cold" and "unintelligent" and "antisocial" and "inarticulate" and "boring"…

Why would he believe me, even if I did go so far as to admit that the only reason that I was always repeating those ungenerous words was to convince myself that he wasn't worth my time?

And he certainly wouldn't care about the fact that I never was able to convince myself of that lie.

The truth, of course, is that he is more than worth anyone's time… He is a remarkable person, and a handsome man, and a talented athlete. Even in a school with so many outstanding tennis players, he is Rikkai's pride and glory, second only perhaps to Yukimura himself. He was ranked first in the entire nation in the junior tennis circuit over this past year, a place of honor that I could never seriously hope to reach, no matter how high my hopes and ambitions may soar. He is an incredibly strong individual, in both mind and body, and he has a level of self-discipline that is so great that I have yet to see its equal.

What's more, he has a passionate spirit and a heart that is capable of the most tender affection. I have seen it myself, when I realized that his weakness was his love for Yukimura. And when the only thing that I had been able to devise as a legitimate complaint against him was that he seemed "heartless," this reality left me with only one possible conclusion…

Sanada Genichiroh really is perfect.

Even his weakness is perfect. His weakness is that he loved someone too deeply.

It's not hard to see why I fell for him.

And yet as I continued to pace around the fountain, this truth only convinced me that I was in for an incredibly terrible disappointment. After all, I had never done anything to earn that kind of love… Some stupid, clumsy little gesture like buying him a pen didn't even make up for the insults that I had heaped on him constantly for the past three years. If I truly was about to be rejected, then it was nothing more than what I deserved for the way I had always treated him.

Damn that foolish pride of mine. It _deserved_ to be smashed to dust in front of me… And that was probably what was going to happen, in only a matter of minutes.

I couldn't quite tell if I felt terrified or ashamed.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime during this train of thought, I sank down and sat on the side of the fountain for a little while. I was exhausted, and it was so cold that I was shivering, and suddenly I realized that it was completely dark outside.

I had been waiting there by that fountain for nearly two hours.

After I had glanced at my watch and discovered this for myself, I actually started to panic a little. Where _was_ he? He definitely should have been there by now. Had something happened to him? Maybe there had been an accident with the trains… Or he might even have gotten lost, even though that didn't make much sense at all, given the fact that we had met there at least twice before… Then I realized that I didn't need to panic; the answer was so simple. Honestly, I could have hit myself for being so brainless.

All I had to do was check my cell phone.

If there had been some kind of emergency, he would have called to let me know. Or maybe something had come up, and he had cancelled on me. Maybe I had been waiting there for two hours for absolutely nothing… He might have even called me during class to tell me that he was too busy to see me this afternoon, and I definitely wouldn't have heard it ring then because I always have it on silent mode while I'm in school.

I instantly felt much better and started fishing around in my coat pocket for my cell phone… But the reassurance vanished when I flipped it open and found absolutely no messages or missed calls. There wasn't a single sign that Sanada had tried to contact me at all.

Well, that didn't matter, I decided. Something had probably come up, and he had just forgotten to cancel our meeting. So I would just have to call him and ask him if he was on his way or not.

It didn't take me very long to find his cell number in my call list, so I held up the phone to my ear and waited. It felt uncomfortably cold against my ear as I waited for him to pick up… It ringed four times and then went to his voice mail. I felt my heart sink a little, but I just pressed the redial button and waited to hear his voice on the other line…

I called him five times in a row. He didn't answer, not once. I was too upset to leave a message.

Now I knew what was happening.

I was being stood up.

It was so simple, really… Sanada hated me, after all. Why would he even respect me enough to show up in the first place? No, it made much more sense to think that he had intentionally decided to accept my offer and then leave me hanging without ever bothering to cancel it… It would be the perfect way to get back at me for all the times that I had belittled him… It would be his chance to prove once and for all that he was above me, and there was nothing that I could do to force him to pay the slightest attention to my existence.

No, that couldn't be really true, I told myself. I was being ridiculous. Why did I always have to get so overly dramatic about everything and act like the sky was falling? It wasn't all about _me_, after all… Something terrible could have happened to him, and here I was thinking that he was just being pointlessly cruel so that he could "have his revenge" on me. Honestly, I was such a self-absorbed idiot. Sanada wasn't like that at all… No, he would have called me if he wasn't coming, so I would just have to wait for him.

But as I continued to wait out there in the cold for another fifteen minutes, I really started to notice the way that my teeth were chattering, and then I started to wonder if I should just give up and go home. That would have made sense, after all… I had waited for him for hours, and he hadn't shown up or even bothered to call… Any self-respecting person would probably leave after only an hour had gone by, and yet here I was, over two hours later in the dark in the middle of February, waiting for him. Somehow, though, I just couldn't shake the feeling that he might come at any minute… But I really was freezing, and I couldn't help thinking that it would be nice to wait inside somewhere. There was a coffee shop just a little over a block away, and a hot drink sounded like a terribly nice idea, especially given the fact that my head was uncovered and my feet were shuffling through piles of ice and snow.

I would have even settled for waiting inside my limo, without the hot drink… At least it was heated in there, and I could ask the driver to park right next to the curb so that I could see the fountain from where I was sitting. Then I would certainly be able to check if Sanada was there, if he still actually came after all this time.

Somehow, though, I kept trying to imagine what would happen if he really did show up… He probably wouldn't even walk up to the fountain at this point. He was so late that he would probably just walk in the general direction of the park and then check at a distance to see if I was still there… And if I wasn't, he was just going to turn right around and go back home again. And I would miss the chance to tell him what I had promised to tell him, and then I was just going to have to work up the courage all over again to reschedule our meeting, only to be forced to endure all these horrible fears and insecurities for at least another twenty-four hours straight…

In the end, I just stood there out in the snow, like the hopeless fool that I am.

It was about two hours and thirty minutes from the moment when I first walked up to the fountain when I started to feel my toes going numb. I absolutely hate that feeling, especially when it starts to tingle and even hurt, when you start trying to keep the blood flowing by moving them around… It always reminds me of all those obnoxious "survival stories" in English literature, where the protagonist finds himself in Alaska or some other remote place where he is in danger of losing all his limbs to frostbite or even possibly freezing to death. Of course, it wasn't that cold in the park, but I really do _hate_ that feeling, and I finally started stamping my feet out of sheer frustration, and they stung with the force of each and every impact against the pavement.

It was about that time that I started to get truly angry.

Who did that jerk think he was, anyway? I don't care if I was the most horrible person on earth… The least that he could have done was call to tell me that he didn't respect me enough to show up. He could have even waited for two whole hours and then showed up to laugh in my face and push me into the snow, for all I cared, but three hours was just _excessive_, no matter what kind of ugly little game he was trying to play with me. And why didn't he at least have the courtesy to answer his damn cell phone when I called him? I had already tried to call him at least four more times, but on the tenth try I just slammed my phone shut and shoved it into my pocket.

He wasn't going to answer it.

No, he was doing this on purpose.

I was being stood up. This was all some sick, twisted sort of revenge for the time that I had talked to him in front of that very same fountain and asked him if Yukimura had stood _him_ up. I had been trying to tell him that Yukimura was a terrible cheat and was plotting against the both of us; but no, he had been a complete moron and didn't get the hint, and then he took it the wrong way and even felt the need to tell me that "at least I have a boyfriend."

Even now, he probably already knew what I was going to tell him. He must have guessed that I had fallen for him. He probably found it terribly amusing, too, and had already told all his friends about it and even had some kind of bet going, to see how long Atobe Keigo was going to wait out in the snow, so that he could try to confess his love to someone who absolutely despised him. Sanada was probably laughing with that awful Yukimura at that very instant, about how much of a fool I had been, and it wouldn't be long before they called Tezuka and told him that they had finally put me in my place and I was out of their way for good, because I wouldn't dare show my face in front of them after this kind of humiliation, and I was never going to be self-assured enough to think that I could surpass them again…

That was what Sanada said, wasn't it?

"_He doesn't look like much of a threat."_

Well, he was right. I wasn't a threat at all.

I had never even so much as scratched his heart, and here he was, putting a bullet hole right through mine.

And now everyone was going to know that Atobe Keigo was a self-defeating fool who had waited like a lovesick dog for three hours in the cold, for someone who had simply stayed inside his nice, warm house surrounded by all of his loyal friends and laughed at that fool's pain.

It had been two hours and forty minutes, and I was so furious that I didn't even know what to do. I wanted to kick something, but I knew that if I did, I was probably going to cry out in pain. I wanted to hit something, but I was shivering so much that my arms felt weak, and I didn't even feel like exerting the effort. I would have even settled for throwing something, even something really expensive like my cell phone, but my fingers were so cold that there probably wasn't enough strength in them to hurl an object any more than five feet, and that wouldn't have been satisfying at all. So I just stood there, clenching my jaw and trying to decide if I should go home, just so I could break something priceless into a million tiny pieces and laugh like a maniac while I crushed the shards beneath my feet.

It was then that I saw him.

Yes, it was Sanada. After two hours and forty minutes, I could see Sanada hurrying up the walk to where I was standing. I have to admit, when I caught that very first glimpse of him, I felt a rush of relief in seeing that he was alright, and I almost ran up to him to ask what had happened. But then those words "two hours and forty minutes" flashed through my mind, and just like that, all of my rage became focused on that lone figure in the cap who was walking toward me.

I could have hit him right across the face. But I forced myself to control my anger. After all, maybe there was an explanation… Maybe there had been an emergency… Maybe there was… Maybe…

But _god_, two hours and forty minutes!

By the time that he walked up to me, I didn't even give him a chance to say a single word. I immediately started yelling at him and told him that he was late (since he obviously had no conception of time), and I then demanded to know what had taken him so long, reminding him in the process that we had decided to meet right after school got out, in case he hadn't even bothered to remember the time that we had chosen. Of course, the first thing he said was that it "wasn't his fault," but then he said something about the train being delayed.

Well, at least there was _something_, and he wasn't laughing like a sadist and pushing me into the snow.

But I was still angry, so I asked him why he couldn't at least have called me to tell me about this, when _I_ had called him ten times without so much as a "Hello?" for my efforts. But then he told me that he had forgotten his cell phone at his house today.

Of course he did.

God, Sanada, you're so damned _incompetent_ sometimes. If I didn't already love you, I would absolutely hate you for it.

I said something to that effect, too… I think I sputtered out, "Of course you did" and "Could you be any more careless?" Even now, I can't say I feel much more charitable toward him about that particular issue… Honestly, it was just the worst coincidence in the world, and I'm sorry that it happened to us both, but I had a right to be angry with him.

Well, I did.

But that didn't stop him from yelling at me in response.

Yes, Sanada Genichiroh _yelled_ at me, after I waited out in the snow for him for two hours and forty minutes. He demanded to know what my problem was, and he glared at me with the kind of look that could have melted stone, and I actually felt like I might crumble in response.

And then I remembered. I was supposed to tell this man how I felt.

I was supposed to tell Sanada Genichiroh that I loved him.

I don't know exactly what happened in that moment. Somehow, it felt like all the emotions that I had been enduring for the last twenty-four hours suddenly got compressed into some tiny, cramped little chamber inside my heart, into a space so tight that it was hurting me to hold them there, but if I didn't hold them they were just going to burst out of my chest… And all I could think about was every other time that it had been like this, every other time that we had yelled at each other, and I had insulted him and belittled him when what I should have been saying was that I respected him and wanted to be his friend…

No, I _loved_ him, and I wanted to be his boyfriend.

And for a split second, I looked straight into those gorgeous brown eyes, and suddenly I heard what Tezuka had said to me, only two days ago…

"_Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life, Atobe? … You can't expect someone to love something that they can't see."_

I felt something falling down my face.

Sanada was the first one to realize what it was… He asked me why I was crying.

I could have melted into the pavement.

I was _crying_ in front of him.

I didn't know what to do… I was absolutely terrified of what was happening. I didn't even know why I was crying in the first place, except that I loved him and I wanted him and I didn't know what to say to him at all, because I already knew that he didn't love me…

So I turned away. I told him that I wasn't crying. I couldn't have been crying, after all, because I just didn't cry… I hadn't cried since I was ten years old and I certainly wasn't going to start crying now…

Of course, he insisted that I was crying, because the truth is that I _was_… I tried to tell him again that I wasn't, but he told me that I was, and the next thing that I could feel was his hand on my face, brushing a tear off my cheek, and it felt so warm and I was still crying and I _loved_ him…

So I held his hand in place with both of my own, and I forgot about dignity and self-worth and masks and hints and games.

I asked him why he hadn't noticed…

I asked him why he hadn't noticed that I was falling for him.

Yes, I confessed my feelings to Sanada Genichiroh tonight. I told him that I was falling for him, and I could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what I meant. He didn't laugh in my face. He didn't even tell me out loud that he despised me.

He just told me that he was sorry, and then he ran away.

That was the best thing that could have possibly happened.

He didn't belittle me, or yell at me, or even correctly inform me that I was impossible to love. He actually expressed some kind of regret, before he disappeared out of my sight and left me there to think about what I had done. And the look in his eyes had been sincere; he was genuinely sorry for my foolish mistake, and I think he even pitied me for it.

But somehow, that only made the pain a little worse, when I felt my legs give out and I sat there kneeling in the snow so that I could watch my cursed pride melt into the ice.

And then I remembered those words that had come into my mind, when I was standing on Sanada's porch so many days ago, watching the snow fall…

"_This is how it will always be. … You will never get warm again."_

Somehow, as I sat there kneeling beside the fountain, I couldn't help thinking that this might have been fate's punishment for me.

I've had such a thought once before, and I suppose that it's a foolish notion, but it's hard not to blame myself for my own mistakes in all of this, when everything seems to go horribly wrong because of my own misguided actions… And that's why it suddenly occurred to me…

I said before that being forced to play a match against Echizen Ryoma had been my punishment for thinking I was invincible in tennis.

I think falling in love with Sanada Genichiroh was my punishment for always acting like I was superior to everyone else.

I reached out into the snow in front of me, and I don't even know what I was looking for, but I stayed there for a while and watched my fingers dig through the snow for something that didn't exist. I don't know why, but some strange part of me even started to think that I was becoming the snow, as though I was melting into that cold, white powder… And then I finally noticed that my fingers were so cold that they looked almost blue, there in the dark, since like the idiot that I am I completely forgot to put on my gloves this afternoon. And suddenly, my head felt very heavy, and I started to cough. I wondered why I felt so strange all of a sudden, but then I remembered…

There was a cold going around.

I laughed. I don't even know why… I sounded almost happy in my own ears, but I'm sure that I was just delirious and didn't know what I was doing. I felt myself scramble to my feet, and my head felt all clouded and I thought I was going to fall over, but then I saw my limousine in front of me, so I floated over to it and got inside. I don't even remember what I said to the driver, but we drove home, and it was so warm inside that my fingers were tingling and I could feel my toes stretching out inside my shoes…

I said something about how I was glad I didn't have frostbite, and I started laughing again. I don't remember what the driver said to me in response, but we were home much faster than I thought we should have been…

It didn't matter. I wasn't the snow after all.

Several of the servants were trying to fuss over me when I got home, saying I had been out very late and it was so cold outside, but I told them to stop acting ridiculous and finally had to command them to leave me alone so that I could write this entry. It was my only chance to write it, and anyway, they could make a person insane, hovering all over him with the face of the angel of death like that…

They're always telling me what to do anyhow, when it doesn't really matter, because at least I told him that I loved him.

Yes, I love him… Sanada, I mean… I wonder if he really understood what I meant?

But he _did_ understand, and he ran away, and that's all there is to it. Fate isn't kind, after all.

… Oh, and I shall have a cold tomorrow!

That's right… But I already said that. Anyway, back to what I meant to say before…

So I am writing this entry right now, before I go to sleep, because I'll probably forget all of this when I go to sleep, even though I really do want to go to sleep because it's starting to feel like my head is floating up inside some cloud somewhere… I feel like I've said all of this before, but it's not really my fault if I did, it's just that I'm starting to slow down and stare at the page and try to remember what I already said when I started to write this so that I don't say it again but I can't quite remember it… The heat inside the house was helping me to think clearly at first but now I just feel so tired, of everything, really, and it's snowing outside again and that makes me want to laugh like I was laughing before, but I think now I'd just get confused and start to cry and melt all over the table, when that isn't what I meant to do at all…

But I really am so tired…

Sincerely

Sincerely yours

I do love you, Sanada, sincerely

_Atobe_

…

**２月１０日土曜日**

**Saturday, February 10th**

I had no idea that Yukimura was such a calculating, dishonest, over-controlling traitor.

Alright, so that's a little harsh. I don't care. Words can't express how angry I am at him right now. The truth finally came out today, and I found out that he was hiding even more things from me than I originally thought. And on top of it all, he was trying to get me to feel guilty today for nothing.

Well, I'm not going to feel that way. I didn't do anything wrong.

I can't believe Yukimura… He thinks he knows everything. But he doesn't. Apparently, he doesn't even know me.

I suppose I should explain what happened. I caught him on the phone with Tezuka again today after school. But unlike last time… he didn't sound happy.

He sounded very, very angry.

When Yukimura gets angry, his voice gets really low and his face loses most of its expression. His eyes sort of get cold, but almost like something is burning in them. That's how I knew something was wrong when I saw him talking on the phone. I heard him say, "So that's what happened… Yes, I'll tell him. Thank you, Tezuka." And then he hung up. I think I guessed what was coming.

It was about what happened with Atobe.

Come to think of it, Yukimura was probably waiting the whole day to hear what happened. I noticed that he stayed near me all day, but didn't say much, like he was waiting for me to bring something up. He probably hoped I would tell him about it.

Instead, he heard something from Tezuka.

I really didn't want to talk with him about it. But, either way, I figured that Yukimura was going to find out exactly what happened (if he hadn't already), and I thought I should at least take advantage of my chance to explain. I wasn't afraid to tell him why I'd run away from Atobe last night, but I will admit a part of me was dreading Yukimura's response.

Yukimura looked straight at me when he hung up, which served to confirm my assumption about what this was. So I asked him what that phone call was about. And his response was, "Maybe you can tell me. Perhaps you can explain why Atobe Keigo is at home in bed with a cold so bad he can't even come to the phone."

My initial anger cooled for a second. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that.

Atobe was _sick._

I felt bad at first; horrible, in fact. I mean, it was kind of my fault that he was standing out in the cold for so long. But honestly, what an idiot! He could have just gone inside somewhere and watched for me. Who stands out in the cold for two or three hours like that? Of course he caught a cold.

At the time, though, I was too stunned to really answer Yukimura. He went on to ask if I had anything to say for myself, if I could explain why I left Atobe waiting for hours without calling him. I told him that the train was delayed and I'd forgotten my cell phone, and his response echoed the one Atobe gave me last night: "Sanada, you're so careless! What's wrong with you?"

I tried to explain that I'd forgotten because I'd taken it out of my backpack to answer Atobe's call the night before, and that it was a simple mistake, but Yukimura didn't seem especially interested. He demanded to know if I'd apologized to Atobe, but I told him I hadn't had time. I mean, as soon as I got there, Atobe was yelling at me at the top of his lungs! When was I _supposed_ to apologize for being late? And I explained myself to him, at least…

Yukimura said I shouldn't blame Atobe for yelling at me (which I never said I _did, _by the way), and that Atobe was probably afraid that I'd "stood him up." (I thought that was an odd choice of words.) Then Yukimura said, "Let me guess: you started screaming right back." I explained that I'd _tried _to stay calm, but when he kept yelling like that I had to ask him what his problem was.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sympathy from my ex.

I tried to explain that _I_ was under a lot of stress too, at the time. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't exactly a _picnic _sitting in that train for an hour, already feeling stupid for forgetting my cell phone, really hoping Atobe wouldn't be too mad at me when I got there, but Yukimura didn't even give me the chance. He demanded to know how Atobe responded to my question.

Instantly the image of Atobe crying popped back into my head. I paused for a moment. I felt a strange pang in my chest (maybe it was guilt), and I couldn't speak for a second. The thought of seeing Atobe cry…

It still scares me.

Yukimura could tell that something was wrong. He demanded again to know what happened. So I took a breath and told him, knowing there was no way to avoid it.

The next thing I knew, I was facing the other wall, and my cheek was stinging.

Yukimura _hit _me.

No pain I've ever experienced has hurt more than that. And I don't mean that he really hit me that hard. Because he didn't.

Breaking up with him didn't even hurt that much. At least then I could somewhat believe that he was partially doing it for my sake, and that it was a mutual decision as well. And we ended it like civil people, each trying to wish each other the best. And seeing him kiss Tezuka didn't hurt as much either, because that really had nothing to do with me.

But he _hit _me.

The only person I've ever loved physically hurt me. The hand that once I'd held so tightly and kissed so sweetly, the hand that stroked my cheek and my hair and ran its fingers lightly over my lips… That same hand had just become a weapon, used deliberately to cause me pain.

Why? Why did he do that?

I guess if I think about it a little more simply, I can come up with the answer to that…

Yukimura hit me because I made Atobe Keigo cry.

I suppose when I think of it that way, it feels a bit more justified…

No. I'm not going to feel guilty for this. I didn't do anything wrong. None of this was my fault.

Yukimura had no right to hit me.

When he did that, I was so shocked that I really didn't know what to say. I looked back into his eyes, and I could tell he wasn't sorry at all. He continued, "And what did you do when he told you he loved you? Did you make him cry _again, _Sanada?"

At the time, I was feeling so ashamed and hurt that I turned my eyes towards the floor and admitted that I hadn't known _what _to do. In an even more dangerous tone of voice, Yukimura demanded again to know what I did. I quietly told him that I'd run away.

I kind of thought he was going to hit me again. But he didn't.

He suddenly looked very sad.

And, very softly, he said, "Sanada, you're horrible."

"Horrible"? How am I _horrible_? What was I supposed to do in that situation? I was startled, I didn't know what to say, and… I just couldn't deal with it, not after everything that's happened… I had to get away from him. I probably should have explained all this to Yukimura, and tried to articulate exactly why I ran away, but I suddenly felt so angry that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. What right did Yukimura have to judge my actions? And what was he getting so emotional for? None of this had anything to do with him.

If he's going to walk out of my life like he did, he should _stay _out of it.

I glared at him and asked, "What business is it of yours, anyway? Why did you even know about all of this?" And then he called me an idiot (thanks a lot). But something in his face changed then, and suddenly I could tell that something was seriously suspicious about this whole thing, and how interested he was in all of this…

Well, I finally got it out of him.

He was trying to set me up with Atobe, all along.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That time I met Atobe at the Latin concert, after New Year's… _Yukimura _had given him his ticket. And Yukimura deliberately cancelled on me, that time I met Atobe in the park. Even the meeting at the aquarium was planned. (Apparently, Tezuka was in on this whole thing, too. Which, I guess, explains a lot.)

It was all some sort of sick, twisted plot to get me to fall in love with Atobe. Yukimura said he wanted _me_ to end up breaking up with _him_, for want of _Atobe_, of all people. He thought Atobe and I would have a better relationship. (He's finally lost it. I don't care _what _medication he's still on.)

Naturally, I asked him why he thought I'd ever fall for Atobe. And he said that it was because I'm _so_ attracted to him. Alright, I am _somewhat _attracted to him, but I'm not _that _attracted to him, and how much does attraction matter anyway? I was too stunned to say much, though, and Yukimura went on and on about how I talk about Atobe for _hours_ on end (When have I ever done that?), and that I'm instantly alert whenever I hear Atobe's name (which is _not _true), and that he confirmed all of his assumptions with Renji.

That's another thing. My alleged best friend was in on this, too. So the two people in the world I thought I could always trust were conspiring to get me together with someone I don't even like.

So much for trust.

Then Yukimura said something about how he "could tell there was something going on between me and Atobe, espcially lately." Bullshit. What does he know?

My head was reeling. I tried to clarify, "So let me get this straight. You were trying to set me up with Atobe Keigo by forcing us to meet, hoping we would fall in love, so you could get rid of me?"

Instantly, Yukimura lashed out against the phrase "get rid of me." He said he wanted me to be _happy. _More crap. Yes, Yukimura, I'm going to be _happy _with _Atobe Keigo, _my sworn _enemy_ and _rival_. Get your pain prescription checked.

Honestly, why would he think that would _ever _work? Atobe and I hardly even see each other, and doesn't he know how much we argue? There is nothing between me and Atobe that would work well in a relationship. I mean, if things didn't work out between me and Yukimura—a relationship that no one could ever call dysfunctional—how are things supposed to work with _me _and _Atobe_?

But, no; he insisted that I would have been _happy._

Needless to say, I was skeptical. To me, it seemed like Yukimura planned this whole thing out just as much for his own benefit as mine. So I brought up the fact (I thought) that he and Tezuka certainly got a lot out of the deal.

I have to admit, what Yukimura said next absolutely shocked me.

Suddenly looking very angry, he said, "There is _nothing _going on between me and Tezuka."

I was stunned. I thought for sure that there was still something going on… I mean, they were keeping in touch, weren't they?

But Yukimura looked so serious in that moment…

I had to believe him.

Then he continued, "I _still _want you and Atobe to be together, and I don't really care what happens to me. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life to prove to you that all of this was for your sake, then I'll do it."

I didn't know what to say that. I still don't, really.

Next, though, he insisted that I was falling for Atobe, and should go tell him. Well, I had _plenty _to say to that. First of all, I pointed out that he had _no reason whatsoever _to believe I was falling for Atobe Keigo. Secondly, I'd never be happy with someone like him. And third, I told Yukimura that I'd lost my heart to _him_. And I don't think I'll ever get it back.

He didn't say anything for a moment; he just glared at me. But then he insisted I was just being stubborn. Either way, he said, I should go see Atobe and apologize.

I didn't do _anything _wrong.

I forgot my cell phone. It was a _mistake. _I'm not going go all the way to Tokyo to apologize for a simple mistake. Especially because it was _his _mistake that he waited outside for so long. It's not my fault he was acting like an idiot.

Any slight (and unfounded) guilt I may feel is not worth having to go to Atobe's house to apologize. I don't want to talk to him. I don't care how he feels about me.

I never want to see him again.

Ever.

I said something to that effect to Yukimura, and left the room. He called after me, but I didn't even look back. Why the hell should I listen to him? Knowing now exactly what he did to me… It makes me sick. He lied to me, about everything.

I can't believe I ever fell in love with such a traitor.

I don't care _what _he says; he was trying to get rid of me, all along. And he was trying to do it in the most sneaky, underhanded way possible. Not to mention that he was stupid enough to think it would work. Well, Yukimura, it didn't. And it's never going to.

I will never fall for someone like Atobe Keigo.

I don't care how Atobe feels about me. I don't care if there actually is something real under that mask of his; he's still a horrible fake only concerned with keeping up appearances, and I want nothing to do with him. I hate him. I decided that a long time ago. Sanada Genichiroh doesn't change his mind so easily.

I can't believe Yukimura thought otherwise.

He's lost it. They've all lost it. Atobe, Yukimura, Tezuka, Renji… Honestly, I thought that at least _Renji_ knew me better than that. He actually told Yukimura that I might fall in love with Atobe. And he went behind my back, too. Traitor. I thought he was on _my_ side.

They're all wrong. Nothing good will ever happen between me and Atobe Keigo. In fact, nothing at all is ever going to happen between us again. I'm never going to see him again. I'm going to avoid him at all costs. It turns out that his reappearance in my life had _everything _to do with my pain, with Yukimura breaking up with me and with my life seemingly spiraling out of control for the second time in the past two years. It was all a plan; it was all one and the same.

You know, maybe instead of an apology, I should send Atobe a short thank-you letter. Despite all the pain of ending my relationship with Yukimura, perhaps it's a good thing that I no longer have such a calculating, sneaky boyfriend. And since Atobe played a part in ending our relationship, I should send him my gratitude.

I don't even know if I'm being sarcastic anymore.

It doesn't matter. The point is, I'm not going to apologize. I didn't do anything wrong; there is no good reason to swallow my pride and try to convince Atobe that _I'm _the idiot, when _he's _the one who stood outside in the freezing cold when he could have easily gone and sat inside his warm limousine, which was probably parked less than a hundred feet away.

And he called _me _unintelligent.

…

I can't sleep. I went to bed early, and I've been trying to fall asleep for the past two hours. But I can't.

I am so horrible.

I read over some parts of what I wrote tonight, and I can't believe what a terrible person I am. Yukimura was right when he called me insensitive today. And I was so angry at him that I couldn't even see how right he was.

It's all my fault.

Atobe stayed at home all day, in bed with a terrible cold… And it's all my fault. He's so sick that he couldn't even answer the phone when Tezuka called his house. And if it weren't for me, that wouldn't have happened.

I've been thinking about this a long time tonight, and I don't think I should have blamed Atobe for staying outside in the cold so long. I mean, think about what he was planning on telling me… He was probably afraid that, if he left that spot, he might miss me somehow, and miss his chance… And then he might never have the courage to set up another meeting. Same thing if he decided not to wait for me at all. He probably figured that if he didn't do it then, he was never going to do it… I remember I felt something similar when I planned to tell Yukimura how Ifelt.

And then, when he _did _tell me…

I'm terrible.

I really should have thought about more of this from his perspective. But I guess I can see now why I didn't; I feel so guilty that I think I'm giving myself a stomach ache.

I never should have run away. I know I panicked, but still… Think about how that must have made him feel. At the moment when he was at his most vulnerable, I just turned and ran away from him.

I'm so horrible.

And what's really sad about all of this is that he _was _probably feeling vulnerable. _Atobe Keigo _swallowed his pride enough to tell methat he _loved _me. That couldn't have been easy. It seems to me that something like that must have been completely against his nature. First of all, to be completely humble and honest to someone, and secondly, to do so in front of _me_…

He couldn't have been thrilled when he realized that he had feelings for me. He couldn't be any happier about this whole thing than I am. All those times when he tried to convince me that I was a waste of his time… He was probably trying to convince _himself_, too. I'm not exactly nice to him. I'm sure he doesn't _want _to have feelings for me.

Honestly… why _did _he fall in love with me?

I can't imagine how he's feeling right now… For all I know, he's awake at this very moment, maybe too congested or coughing too hard to sleep…

I am such an _idiot._

I _am _careless. How could I have forgotten my stupid cell phone? I should have checked before I left for school yesterday. At least then I could have called him, and he could have gone inside, and he wouldn't be sick… He might still be upset, but at least he wouldn't have a bad cold on top of it all…

And when I think about how it all played out, I feel even worse. I left him there to wait and worry and get even more nervous than I'm sure he already was… No wonder he yelled at me. And it also explains why he started crying…

I made Atobe Keigo cry.

What must that take, to make someone like him actually shed tears? He's not a weak person. I don't think I've ever heard of him crying. It must take something absolutely heartbreaking to make him cry. Such an offense should be punishable by death.

I can't get it out of my head. Feeling his tears fall onto my fingers… The way he held my hand so gently against his cheek; almost desperately, as if he'd fall apart as soon as I pulled away…

For all I know, he did.

I hurt him. I must have hurt him. I rejected him, and I couldn't even stay long enough to make sure he was alright. Couldn't I have at least done that much? I know that I didn't know what to do right at that moment, but I probably should have turned around before I got to the train station, and gone back to apologize. But I didn't. It would have been so easy, but I didn't.

Honestly, I'm not even worth his time.

I hope he's alright. I hope he can just forget about me. How must it hurt him when he thinks about me, and what I did to him? And what about all of the things I've said to him in the past? He always made me so angry that I must have said a million horrible things that weren't even true. He probably remembers every single one of them…

I wish he hadn't been so cursed as to love someone like me.

I would go see him and apologize, but on the other hand, I don't think I should. I think it would just hurt him to see me. It would probably be better for him if he never had to see or talk to me again.

I should just leave him alone, so he can forget.

I'm a horrible person.

I hope he's alright.

…

I just had the most horrible nightmare. It was just like what happened yesterday; I was standing in front of Atobe, with my hand against his tear-stained cheek… He told me he was falling for me, and my world turned upside-down again… I told him I was sorry again, and ran away. Then I thought I heard something shatter, but I don't know what it was, because when I looked back, all I saw was Atobe kneeling on the ground with a katana stuck through his chest. And I kept getting farther and farther away, but I could still see him, coughing and bleeding everywhere, dying, his blood soaking into the snow…

I hope he's alright. I hope nothing's happened to him…

No… wait. This is ridiculous. None of this is happening. None of this could have happened…

I must be going crazy.

Atobe doesn't love me. He hates me. And I hate him. And we'd never be happy together, but I'd never break his heart, either; he doesn't give two sticks what I think.

This is all some horrible nightmare.

I'll wake up tomorrow… It's all a dream. Yukimura was never trying to set us up… He would never do something like that. Atobe didn't actually tell me he loves me… That would never happen. I must have imagined it.

I'm dreaming. Or maybe I'm awake now, and the rest of it was a dream. Or… maybe I'm completely wrong, and all of this really did happen… In which case, I'm a horrible person, and I wish I'd never been born, or that I'd jumped in front of the train after all…

I hope Atobe's alright. I'm kind of worried about him…

I can still see him, bleeding in the snow…

I'm being over-dramatic. This is ridiculous. I'm just having nightmares.

Calm down, Sanada. Some of this must be real, just figure out which pieces…

According to the rest of this journal, Atobe did tell me he loves me. I can't believe that. Why would he love _me_? I'm not even worth his time. Especially after what I did to him…

Also, Yukimura did set us up. I can't believe that, either. Why did he do that? Why did he think Atobe and I could ever be happy? So far, I've just ended up hurting him…

I left him there, on the cold, snow-covered ground… Maybe not bleeding, but still…

He looks so beautiful, lying there in the snow…

I can't believe I'm saying this. I can't believe I'm so attracted to him. When did that happen, anyway? When I fell on top of him, that one time, that's when I realized it, but when…? I can hardly believe I'd ever feel that strongly about _anyone_…

I need sleep.

I'll go back to bed. No more nightmares. No more waking up, no more writing in my journal. We'll see what's still there when I wake up.

…

I woke up again, and couldn't go back to sleep. But I think I'm thinking more clearly now… I think…

I can't stop thinking about Atobe. And everything that's happened…

I've come to a few more realizations.

First of all, that he's genuine.

That's what makes him so hard to figure out. He hides his true self and his motivations, so at first he seems like a stuck-up, arrogant snob who couldn't care less what anyone thinks. But a lot of the things that he does don't seem to fit with that. He's really a good person who cares about other people, and he's very generous. Sure, when he does something nice for someone, he'll either trivialize it or make it seem fake by praising himself for his own charity, but I think he's just trying to hide his good motives…

Also, I realized that Atobe Keigo really does love me.

He cried in front of me. He wasn't hiding anything from me at that point. When he said he was falling for me, he was being completely honest. And yet… Somehow that's been one of the more difficult things for me to believe. He _loves _me. _He_ loves _me._

Honestly… I'm flattered.

Atobe Keigo wouldn't fall for just anyone. I think I've said before that he doesn't have a boyfriend because no one wants him… But that's a lie. Plenty of people, I'm sure, would give a lot to be with him. He's smart, talented, good-looking… The problem is that hardly anyone is good enough for him. So much so that most people are too intimidated to even try. And I'm sure he wouldn't give a lot of people a second glance.

But he loves me.

I don't even deserve it. After what I did…

The most important thing I've realized, though, is why he keeps his real self hidden. Like I've said, the real Atobe is the one who helped me feel better, who bought me something really expensive when he really didn't have to… He seems like such a wonderful person. It seems to me that people would like him a lot better if he just acted like that more often. So I've been lying in bed wondering why on earth he would wear a mask, why he'd keep that part of himself hidden from the world. But it's so simple.

He doesn't want to get hurt.

When you're someone as rich and good-looking and competitive as Atobe, it's probably somewhat difficult to know who your real friends are. If he opened up to everyone, imagine how many people would take advantage of him. No… his only choice was to learn to tell people no, to shut out the world and act like he didn't care what other people thought about him. Like no one could hurt him. And then it would be less likely that people actually could…

Maybe he's slowly opened up to some people. But I'm sure it's a very small number, and it probably took him a long time to get to that point. And he's right to be cautious.

I mean, look what happened when he opened up to me.

You know what he's like? Carbon. I know that sounds weird, but really… Just let me think about this for a minute; we learned about it in geology last term…

Well, alright, he has three layers. The outside is like cubic zirconia, which I guess isn't technically carbon… But anyway, it looks pretty and it's flawless and that's what he shows everyone: his mask. But it's not real. And then when you stratch through the surface, underneath is something that looks more like coal. It's more real, but it's black and sooty, and not exactly attractive. This is what I started to see when I wore away at him with all of my insults, and he said nasty things back (which he had every right to do) because I made him so angry.

But underneath that…

There's a diamond.

Diamonds aren't perfect; they have flaws and imperfections. But they're _real. _They're so much more precious than that fake, synthetic stuff… And they're beautiful. They sparkle like nothing else…

Atobe has flaws too, I'm sure. He's maybe still a little arrogant, and I imagine he's pretty sensitive. Which is where, I guess, the whole diamond analogy breaks down, since diamonds are so hard… But the point is that while he may not be perfect, he's real and that makes him better than the too-perfect-to-be-true mask he always wears.

I'm sure none of this makes any sense. I'll probably read over this later and understand none of it…

I just had to write it down, so hopefully I won't forget the important parts. I should go back to sleep.

…

I still can't stop thinking about Atobe. And I really can't sleep. I just keep imagining him, sick in bed with a cold…

And it's all my fault.

I'm so horrible. I should go apologize. But I'd probably hurt him.

But I should tell him…

I am so tired. Why can't I sleep? It must be my fault. It's all my fault.

I should go see him tomorrow. I need to apologize for being so horrible. I'll just be careful not to hurt him…

It's alright; I won't go to school. We'll play hooky. Wait, no… What day is tomorrow? Sunday. I'm not going to school. There isn't any.

I should go see him. I should apologize. But I don't want to hurt him…

Sweet, precious…

Maybe I shouldn't say anything. He always makes me so mad; I say things, horrible things, I don't even mean them. Maybe I should get him something. He got me a pen… Maybe I should get him something, so I don't have to say anything. What says I'm sorry? Flowers? Diamonds?

Diamonds. No… I can't afford diamonds…

Diamonds don't need diamonds anyway.

I'll figure it out tomorrow. I'm not going to school. I'm going to apologize.

Sleep… sleep is a good idea…

I hope he'll be alright.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

_There is no entry in Atobe Keigo's journal for the date of February 10th._

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_Stay tuned for the final chapter of Ice Breaker..._


	12. One Final Step

**Disclaimer:** We don't own anything. No, really, we don't. Please don't sue us. :) 

**Authors' Note:** Whew! We've finally managed to finish the last chapter of Ice Breaker.

FallingSilver: And it's a long one. So it back, relax, have a cup of coffee. And indulge yourself in the beauty that is this chapter.

ToastedMarshmallow: Shut up! You're turning into Atobe again! -smacks it out of her- Tarundoru!

FallingSilver: And who do you think you sound like, a-a-n? -smacks back- Anyway, we're sorry for the wait, but we really hope you enjoy it. **Please review and tell us what you think.** We'll love you forever. And a big thank you to everyone that's reviewed this story so far.

* * *

**２月１１日日曜日**

**Sunday, February 11****th**

I should have never gone to see Atobe today. I'm such an idiot that I managed to make things worse. And it was so stupid, too…

I got up relatively early this morning, especially considering that I hardly got any sleep last night. But I didn't really care; I knew that what I had to do today was important.

I took a train to Tokyo but got off a few stops earlier than the one closest to Atobe's house. I wanted to spend some time in a small shopping district, and figure out something I could get him. I was worried that I'd panic and mess up again when I saw him, and I thought a gift might show him that I truly was sorry.

Nothing seemed right. I thought of flowers, but those seemed both strange and cliché, and he probably wouldn't be able to smell them anyway if he was congested. I looked around in a few other stores, but I didn't find anything that I could even consider as a possibility. I've concluded that Atobe Keigo must be the most difficult person in the world to shop for. What do you get someone who has everything? Even if it's "the thought that counts," I would never be able to afford something that would even vaguely impress him. I came very close to just giving up.

I thought of the pen he got me. At first, that didn't help me; I can't afford a good pen, and I think I noticed that he was already using a very nice one when I saw him writing in his journal. But then I remembered that he mentioned he was going to need a new journal soon. That idea sounded perfect. So I went into the first bookstore I saw and looked around.

I wanted to get him a really thick one, but the only thick ones I could find looked more like huge spiral notebooks. The journal he has is bound like a book, and looks a lot nicer than the ones I saw. I was somewhat disappointed. I found a smaller one, though, that I thought suited him; it had an elegant, pearly design on the cover that was a color somewhere between silver and purple, it was bound and edged in black, and the edges of the pages were silver. I just wished it was thicker… I rationalized it this way, though: a gift from me was a reminder _of_ me, and it would probably better if he was able to finish using it as quickly as possible, so he could just forget about me.

I walked out of the store and headed back towards the train station. By the time I got there, though, I started wondering if I should have gotten him a card or something. I told myself no (the idea seemed corny), but I still wanted a way to make it clear that my gift was an attempt at an apology—I wanted him to actually be able to see the words "I'm sorry." So I decided to write him a letter inside the journal. I sat down on a bench at the station and started writing what I felt.

My letter ended up being longer than I thought it would be. It was kind of depressing, too… I was able to express some of the things I'd figured out about him, like how genuine he is, but in doing so, I realized that I wouldn't deserve him even if I _did _return his feelings. I was satisfied, though; I read the letter again after I'd finished it, and I think it was exactly what I wanted to say. But now I don't even know if he'll ever read it…

Anyway, I got on the train and headed to Atobe's house. After getting through the gate and the long driveway and the huge doors and the front hall, the servants finally led me to Atobe's private parlor. I was lucky; Atobe was apparently awake and feeling better, but I still had to wait a while for him to "make himself presentable." When the butler told me that's what he was doing, I tried to get him to go tell Atobe that he didn't have to do that, but I guess my suggestion wasn't well received. So I had to sit there for a long time, worrying about what might happen.

I just had a bad feeling about the whole situation… I already knew what I was going to say: a simple, straightforward apology. But I still thought something might somehow go horribly wrong, once we started talking…

I was right.

Atobe came out of his bedroom, fully dressed and obviously trying to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. But he really didn't look well. He looked paler than normal but at the same time flushed, his nose was red to the point of looking painful, his lips seemed slightly swollen, and his eyes were pink and watery. He sounded terribly congested when he greeted me—he was trying to sound casual, too, which kind of just made him seem more pathetic. Not "pathetic" as in, I think he's a loser and wanted to laugh; "pathetic" as in, I really, truly felt bad for him.

But it's still kind of horrible to say, I know… I'm a horrible person.

And I can prove it.

I can prove it because of what happened to me, in that moment when I first saw him again… I started feeling terribly uncomfortable. Because I felt sorry for him? Not exactly. Guilty? Guess again.

I won't describe all of the thoughts that went through my head in that moment, but suffice it to say that one of these thoughts involved throwing my arms around Atobe, kissing him, holding him close, stroking his hair, and telling him that everything was going to be alright and that I was sorry and I would give him anything he wanted—and of course I knew what he was going to ask for…

I'm such an idiot. What in the hell was I thinking about?

I suppose it wasn't such a big deal, at least not as bad as it sounds… But it was one of those horrible urges, much like jumping in front of a train, that I couldn't seem to get off my mind, even though I would never come even vaguely close to actually doing it. He looked so helpless and worn out, like he needed to be held… It was somehow distracting. Just enough to make me feel slightly on edge, and make it hard to concentrate on what I was saying… It was such a stupid thing. I don't even know _why _I had any of those thoughts…

I started apologizing almost as soon as he sat down. I just wanted to say I was sorry for what happened on Friday, and that I shouldn't have done what I did… But he _interrupted _me, mid-sentence.

He said it was _his _fault.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He told me not to worry about it, and he was actually acting like everything was fine… For a moment, I almost believed him. But then I realized what was going on.

He was hiding behind that mask again.

This realization only served to make me more uncomfortable. I never wanted to see him wear his mask in front of me again. I hadn't realized just how much I hated that thing. It was so fake, and I just wanted him to be honest with me. I like him so much better when he's honest with me…

I argued that it was my fault. He told me to relax, and lied to me, saying he was fine. I'm not that stupid. He couldn't have been fine. It was obvious that he was hiding his real feelings from me.

I raised my voice a little. I didn't mean to, but I told him to stop pretending. He also raised his voice in response, and asked me, "Would you rather me break down in front of you?"

I said yes.

I blurted it out; I didn't think about how horrible it would sound. But it was true. If being honest with me meant he had to break down and cry in front of me, then that was what I wanted. I didn't want to see him cry, by any means… No, seeing _that_ again would probably be more painful than a stab in the chest.

But at least I would know that it was _real._

Naturally, he was alarmed by my assertion. I quickly tried to explain that, if he did break down, at least I'd know he meant what he said to me on Friday… He sighed and assured me that he'd meant it. Still not quite thinking clearly, I said yet another stupid thing. I asked him why he wasn't still saying it now.

I'm not sure what I meant by that. Maybe I was still in disbelief, and was starting to doubt that he'd really told me he loved me… I didn't actually _want _to hear it again. I mean, why would I? I guess I just meant that I wanted him to _act _like he meant what he said.

He responded by sighing again and saying that he was hoping to maintain some of his dignity. Yes, his precious dignity. That was pretty much the last thing I wanted him to bring up, though I'm not sure why. It just seems like Atobe's idea of "dignity" involves acting like he's so far above everyone else that no one can hurt him. And if that's what his dignity consists of, I like him better without it.

It's what made me hate him.

I never thought about it that way before… But it's true. That's what I've always hated about him: the way he was always so focused on winning our arguments, being right, and making sure he walked away with his "dignity" intact. I just wish he knew that's not the most important thing in the world. And I don't want to go back to the way things were between us before… I hate going backwards. It makes me feel like I've wasted time.

I guess I was hoping we could at least be friends now.

But I refuse to be friends with that fake front Atobe puts up.

Anyway, it really annoyed me that he said that, and I overreacted. I grabbed him by the shoulders and told him to forget about his stupid dignity, and that I thought he loved me.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

I saw his mask breaking. A little too loudly, he blurted out two words: "I _do_." Then he repeated those same two words, in a voice that was hardly above a whisper.

Instantly, I knew that I shouldn't have done what I did. I relaxed my grip, and felt him trembling slightly. He was looking up at me, but trying not to look up at me, his eyelashes fluttering over his blue, watery eyes… I don't know why, but I suddenly wanted to kiss him. I'm actually not so sure I wouldn't have… I heard myself say his name, and I started leaning down further so I could get him to look at me…

He pushed me away lightly. I took the hint and stepped away. Then he said, "You should go," and kept his head turned away for a moment, as if he was trying to collect himself. After a pause that seemed to last forever, he stood up, still refusing to look at me, and said, "I'm not feeling well." Then he walked into his bedroom and closed the door.

I have a feeling that door will be closed to me forever.

I felt awful. I never said what I'd meant to say, and what I said, I didn't mean to say at all. The bag containing the journal I bought him was still lying on the couch where I'd set it, beside the spot where I'd been sitting. I picked it up and looked at it for a moment, not sure what to do. Eventually I decided to set it on the coffee table, hoping desperately that he'll find it soon and look inside before perhaps throwing it away. For all I know, his servants have already disposed of it.

I feel so horrible right now. I don't even want to write about it…

I've ruined everything.

Maybe now, at least, he can hate me. That would probably be easier for him than still being in love with a jerk like me.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月１１日日曜日**

**Sunday, February 11****th**

I have been trying to come up with some kind of phrase that could describe the way I have felt for the past forty-eight hours, so that I could write it down on this page and look back on it later and be grateful that those days are over. However, everything I have been able to come up with seems either somewhat inaccurate or simply foolish.

The best description that I could devise is this: It feels like my body has been run over by a freight train, and that my heart has been simultaneously removed from my chest and shoved into a trash compactor.

It's certainly not a very poetic simile, but I'm sure that it is the best I can do when my head is this congested.

In any case, it's been a very unpleasant ordeal, one that I would like to forget as soon as possible. After all, it was bad enough having to wake up yesterday with a throbbing, clouded head, not to mention that horrible sensation of being almost completely unable to breathe. Still, I forced myself to crawl out of bed, even though I could feel every muscle in my body aching… At that point, I knew that I was sick, much sicker than I've been in a long time, but I must have still been laboring under the delusion that I was going to drag myself to school in spite of it. I stumbled into my closet, thinking that I would at least get dressed and have breakfast, but I hadn't even unfastened a single button before I started shaking all over, and then the room starting spinning…

Apparently, I passed out on the floor. I woke up in my bed, with several of the servants fussing over me, and it didn't take long for the family doctor to show up and state the obvious: young master Keigo had a terrible cold, and should stay in bed for at least forty-eight hours before trying to go anywhere. Naturally, attending class was out of the question, and I was even forbidden to get out of bed at all, except in cases of necessity.

It has been an absolutely miserable forty-eight hours.

After the doctor left, I managed to persuade most of my servants to get out of my room, even though my butler insisted on staying in the parlor so that he could hear me call if I needed anything. (Of course, I'm sure part of the reason for this was to make sure I didn't try to escape. My servants have generally learned not to trust me in such cases… I'm a rather disobedient invalid when it comes to being confined for any period of time.) I then spent the rest of the daylight hours drifting in and out of consciousness, and even though I was almost too miserable to sleep when my whole body was aching like that, it was infinitely worse to be awake…

After all, as long as I was awake, I was capable of thinking. And as long as I was able to think, I couldn't stop thinking about Sanada.

Thinking of him was the worst ache of all.

I'm such an idiot… I told him that I loved him, even though I knew for a fact that he didn't return my feelings. And I dared to hope that he might accept my love, even though I knew better than that, even though it was impossible. And in the end, the result had been exactly as I should have known that it would be…

I had been rejected and left to nurse my broken heart alone, like the fool that I am.

In any case, I wasn't awake for more than an hour at a time during the day, probably because of the cold medicine that was being shoved into my mouth every few hours or so. But then around eight o'clock, I finally woke up out of my drug-induced stupor, and I just couldn't go back to sleep. So I spent an absolutely wretched evening propped up in bed and going through at least two boxes of tissues, since by this point the medicine was working and my nose was starting to bear a distinct resemblance to a running faucet. I couldn't stop coughing, either, which made it impossible to go back to sleep, even though I was probably tired enough to do so.

I tried to find some way to pass the time, just to keep my mind off of the incredibly stupid thing that I had done in trying to confess my feelings to someone who probably hated me. I didn't have the energy to read a book, though; I attempted to skim over the first few pages of some second-rate mystery novel, but the words started to blur together and my fingers ached. So I resigned myself to watching television on the flat screen in my room. Unfortunately, it was next to impossible to find any nighttime programming that didn't have any cheap, clichéd romance scenes in it… I spent nearly a half an hour watching one particularly obnoxious couple whine about the impossibility of their "forbidden love," until I finally switched to the nature channel and had the satisfaction of watching a few ravenous lions rip apart an unfortunate zebra. (To be honest, that graphic visual was perfectly suited to my mood after watching such an annoying charade.)

By the time that I turned off the television, it was nearly one o'clock in the morning, and I still couldn't get back to sleep. I tried, but I spent nearly three hours tossing and turning and trying not to cough. And the worst part of it was that whenever I felt like I was drifting off, I would suddenly think that I was in that freezing cold park again, calling out Sanada's name and running back and forth across the pavement, trying to find him. And then I would jerk awake and realize that I had been calling out his name to the ceiling, and I felt so depressed and humiliated that I buried my face in a pillow, until I was just too congested to breathe like that. Even if it was in the privacy of my own bedroom, it was awful to think that I was still acting so pathetic.

(Honestly, what is _wrong_ with me? He doesn't want you, you idiot, so you can stop crying for the moon already. You're fifteen years old, not five.)

Well, one way or another, I finally lost consciousness, and I woke up again just before noon today, feeling considerably better than I did last night. I was still coughing quite a bit, and the tissues were collecting in small piles on my bed, but my body didn't ache as much and my head felt clearer. So I tried to enjoy a bowl of soup in spite of my nasal congestion, and actually managed to convince myself that today would be much better than yesterday.

I was very unhappily mistaken.

It would have been better than yesterday, I suppose, if I hadn't been informed at about two o'clock that I had a visitor. I was surprised, to say the least, and I immediately asked my butler who this mysterious guest was. He said that a young man named Sanada Genichiroh had been asking to see me.

I was suddenly filled with a genuine regret that I survived the night.

I suppose that this is an overstatement, but it really is no exaggeration to say that I would have gladly done anything at all, rather than be forced to see Sanada Genichiroh today. After all, I had waited like a lovesick dog out in the cold for almost three hours on Friday night, just to tell my sworn enemy that I had fallen for him, and before I had even gotten the words out, I had humiliated myself even further by starting to cry. The last thing that I wanted to do was to try to look this man in the face, when I felt like I might crumble into pieces at the sight of him.

But then again, it would have been just as humiliating to send him away… That would have been acknowledging that I was too heartbroken to see him, not to mention acting like an absolute coward. And as pathetic as I may have been feeling, Atobe Keigo is _not_ a coward. So I told my butler to admit him into my parlor, and to inform him that I was making myself presentable and would be out shortly.

I then hurried into my closet and scrambled for something to wear, because I certainly wasn't going to appear before Sanada Genichiroh in my pajamas. But by the time that I had managed to dress myself, it had already been at least fifteen minutes, so I rushed into the bathroom to brush my hair, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…

I stopped dead in my tracks.

I, Atobe Keigo, looked like a train wreck.

I suppose that it didn't really matter, because Sanada had already rejected me when I had looked my best. Clearly, my best wasn't good enough, so it was probably irrelevant if he saw me at my worst. But there was something especially humiliating about the idea of facing Sanada when I was looking like _that_.

My face was as white as a sheet, except for a rather sickly flush around my cheeks, and my nose was a chafed, painful scarlet, which only exaggerated the redness in my watery eyes. I had hoped to face Sanada with some shred of my dignity intact, but it was pretty obvious that it was going to be nearly impossible, when I practically looked like I had caught my death and come out much worse for the wear. I almost contemplated the possibility of telling my servants to send him away after all, but I knew that couldn't do that. And then I thought that I might at least try to cover up some of the redness on my face, even though that would probably take another fifteen minutes…

In the end, I just laughed at myself under my breath and left without doing anything at all, except brushing my hair like I had originally intended. What was the point, anyway? Sanada couldn't think any less of me than he already did. I may have been trying desperately to hold onto some shred of my pride, but I still knew the truth… My pride had melted into the snow on Friday night, and I would never have any actual dignity in Sanada's presence again.

That didn't mean that I was going to fall into his arms crying, though. Absolutely _not_. No, I had already resolved that as much as I possibly could, I was going to pretend like Friday night had never happened. Of course, I knew that Sanada was going to bring it up anyway, sooner or later… But I made a resolution right then and there, that when he started trying to talk about it, I was going to tell him that I was sorry that I had ever done such a ridiculous thing, and that we should both forget about it as soon as possible. It was the only solution that I could devise that didn't involve making even more of a fool of myself than I already had. So as I opened the door to my front parlor, I whispered my resolution again, under my breath: "Act like nothing ever happened. Tell him we should just forget about the whole thing."

Naturally, as soon as I saw him, I forgot whatever it was that I had just promised myself. My heart skipped a beat, as though it had somehow forgotten in the space of two days just how handsome he is, and I felt the blood rushing into my face out of sheer embarrassment. I greeted him as casually as I could, but I felt rather lightheaded all of a sudden, so I walked quickly over to an armchair and sat down. By that point, I had calmed down enough to remember that I was supposed to be acting like nothing had happened between us, so I tried to focus on what he had to say instead. (Besides, I couldn't help noticing that my voice sounded absolutely ridiculous when my nose was so congested, so I wasn't exactly eager to talk, either.)

Much to my surprise, he started apologizing to me. I'm not sure what I had expected him to say, but it had never occurred to me that he would have come to my house to _apologize_. He hadn't done anything wrong, after all… If anything, he had been kinder to me than I expected. It certainly wasn't his fault that I had decided to make a fool of myself. So I interrupted him and told him that he shouldn't worry about it, and that it was my fault that it had happened in the first place. I was almost surprised at how easy it was to act like everything was fine in front of him; my voice sounded careless and detached, and I think I even shrugged a little.

Of course, he tried to argue with me… I suppose that he was trying to be polite. So I told him to relax, and then I insisted that I was fine. Somehow, I was even starting to believe my own words; I could feel myself becoming detached from the pain of the previous evening, when I had cried his name out at the ceiling and wondered how I would ever forget about him. And then I realized what I was doing… I was hiding behind my mask again. Yes, that false front of mine was still there, even after everything that had happened. In all honesty, I was relieved. At least now I could use it to protect myself from my own hurt, and to stop myself from looking even more foolish than I already did.

There was just one small problem. Sanada had finally realized that I have a mask, and that I also have a habit of using it in front of him.

Apparently, he doesn't like that mask at all.

He immediately told me to stop pretending, and he sounded pretty irritated about it, too. At this point, I could feel myself getting backed into a corner, and the idea of being forced to stop acting like everything was fine was almost terrifying. There was no telling what I would do, if I was forced to be genuine in front of him… Well, that wasn't completely true. I had a general sense of what would happen. And I could feel it already starting to happen, and this was making me feel almost desperate, in spite of my greatest efforts to remain in control.

So I demanded to know if he would prefer that I break down in front of him. Much to my shock, he said yes.

I didn't have the slightest idea how to respond to that.

He went on to say that "at least then, I would know that you meant what you said." For a split second, I had no idea what he was talking about, but then I realized what he meant. He was having a hard time believing that I loved him in the first place. I suppose that's not very surprising, since we've been fighting like cats and dogs ever since the day that we met. But to me, it seemed almost absurd… Of course I love him. I've only spent the entire past month falling for him. So I sighed and told him that I meant it.

He asked why I wasn't saying it again.

I still don't know why he would ask something like that. In fact, the only logical explanation is that he is a sadist, and was entertaining some kind of sick hope that I would cry in front of him a second time. But I can't bring myself to believe that, so I still have no idea why he wanted me to tell him again that I loved him. What I do know is that I mumbled some sort of excuse about how I wanted to keep at least a shred of my dignity…

Evidently, that was the wrong thing to say.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled at me, telling me to forget about my dignity. He even said something about how he thought that I said that I loved him. Well, _of course_ I said it! I was trying to forget that I said it, because I had already been blatantly rejected and wasn't in the mood to get rejected a second time. In fact, I was trying to pretend that it had never happened, in a desperate attempt to move beyond the pain that I felt at seeing him again. But he wasn't going to let me forget it, apparently, and feeling him bending down with his face so close to mine was making me wish that I could just melt into the chair and disappear.

But I didn't disappear, of course. Instead, my mask broke. I yelled right back at him, exclaiming that I _did_ love him.

He didn't have to remind me of how much it hurt to say that.

Still, I felt my lips whisper it again, as though they were getting some kind of masochistic pleasure out of the activity. I felt myself trembling, of all things, and I was trying not to look at him, but I wasn't quite succeeding, either. He said my name, and I could feel a lump forming in my throat at the sound… Suddenly, I realized that it was only a matter of time before I was going to completely fall apart in front of him, and I had already sworn that I wouldn't make a fool of myself a second time, whether Sanada wanted me to or not. I felt my hands pushing him away, and I told him that he should go. At this point, I was simply desperate. I couldn't let him see me fall apart, not _again_, not when I was too exhausted and upset to even begin to think of excuses for even the slightest demonstration of weakness…

So I just said that I wasn't feeling well, and I got up and walked into my bedroom and closed the door behind me.

I don't know what else I could have done.

I just stayed there for a moment, with my back pressed against that closed door, trying not to think about how he was on the other side of it, only a few feet away from where I was standing. And I tried not to think about how I had failed so miserably in acting like nothing was wrong, and that I was going to be fine, and that I would just move on and forget that anything had ever happened between us. I tried not to think about how the storm of emotions that I was experiencing was just proof of how much I still loved him, and how difficult it was going to be to overcome the pain of rejection, when everything in me was still wishing that he returned my affections.

Well, I tried. But I didn't quite succeed.

Still, I choked all the tears back, except one.

It didn't matter, really. Sanada had already seen me cry, and he hadn't even seen this tear at all. But somehow, that single drop of water made me realize that it was going to be nearly impossible to pick up the pieces of my heart and forget my feelings for Sanada Genichiroh.

If I were capable of believing the worst of him, I would almost wonder if he came today to remind me of that fact.

As it is, I've spent the rest of the day trying not to think about what happened this afternoon. But it goes without saying that it certainly didn't improve my mood, and this evening seemed even more miserable than the last one, even if some of my physical pain has disappeared. At least I was feeling well enough to write this journal entry, though my hand is aching now and I really should try to go sleep. I think I will try, in that case, and I can only hope that I don't spend this evening doing something as foolish as crying out to the ceiling.

Honestly, I need to grow up. There are just some things that I simply can't have, and the sooner I come to terms with that inescapable fact, the better.

I just wish that it didn't hurt quite so much.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月１２日月曜日**

**Monday, February 12****th**

When I got up this morning, the last thing I wanted to do was go to school. Once again, I hardly got any sleep last night and I really wasn't sure I had the energy or will to drag myself out of bed. But now I'm actually kind of glad I did.

Mostly I was dreading the thought of facing Yukimura again. I thought he would still be angry with me for refusing to go see Atobe, and if I told him that I _had _gone to see him, he would ask for details, and then he would get mad at me for screwing things up further.

So when he greeted me this morning and asked me how my weekend was, I didn't even know how to respond.

I suppose the way he said good morning should have helped me relax. There was no anger in his voice, nor did it seem like he was being detached and aloof when he said it. I don't think he had any intention of apologizing for anything he said on Saturday, but I think he wanted to silently let me know that he still cared about me and considered me his friend.

So I didn't really know what to say. Obviously, there was no reason to get defensive at "Good morning," but I also didn't want to answer his question about what I did over the weekend. So I literally didn't say anything.

It was Renji that broke the awkward silence, though he didn't make the situation any more comfortable. He said my name, and when I hesitated to respond again, he pointed out that Yukimura had asked me a question, obviously implying that I was being very rude by not answering it.

To my surprise, though, Yukimura took my defense. I heard him mutter, "It's okay, Renji." He must have thought that I didn't want to speak to him after our last argument. Which, of course, wasn't true; I just wasn't sure what to say to him, after everything that's happened. I sat there uncomfortably for a few more moments, still hesitating, and I could tell that he and Renji were shooting each other heated glances, silently arguing about whether or not they should force me to respond…

I ended up blurting out the one thing I felt I had to say to Yukimura, which was that he was right.

I don't know if he didn't hear me, or just didn't understand what I meant, but all he said was, "What?" I repeated again that he was right (as if it hadn't been hard enough to say the first time), and that I had been wrong about everything. He walked over to my desk and asked me what I was talking about, in a tone of voice that was gentler than I expected him to use. I explained that he was right in saying that I shouldn't have done what I did to Atobe, and I added that I'd been feeling horrible about it ever since we talked on Saturday.

I think Yukimura could see how horrible I'd been feeling. I was having trouble saying all of this, because it was all still bothering me and I didn't want to talk about it. He said my name and put his hand on my shoulder. I don't know why, but I wasn't sure I wanted him to touch me. Maybe it was just my overall frustration, which was directed more at myself than him. Either way, though, I had to clench my teeth in order to resist the temptation to shrug off his hand.

I thought I should mention that I went to see Atobe, so I did. It was actually Renji who inquired what happened; I think Yukimura might have sensed that I didn't want to be asked for details. (Renji might have sensed that, too, but his curiosity probably got the better of him.) I leaned onto the desk and put a hand over my eyes, feeling both frustrated and ashamed. I had trouble choking out that I'd made things worse, and that Atobe would most likely never speak to me again, but that it was probably just as well.

I stopped myself at that point. I don't know why, but suddenly I was afraid that I would start to cry if I continued. I was incredibly exhausted (and still am); I haven't had a decent night's sleep in maybe the past week. So that certainly wasn't helping, but it wasn't just that. I don't know… Suddenly the thought of Atobe being bitter at me forever, and me never getting another chance to tell him I was sorry… It really, truly bothered me.

And so then, there I was, admitting this to my ex-boyfriend and my rather critical best friend, expecting some sort of dual lecture from the both of them. I could sense them sharing some sort of look over my head. Needless to say, that was doing nothing for my stress level.

Next thing I knew, though, Yukimura had leaned over and put his arms around me.

I made no movement to hug him back; I just sat there. But I didn't really want him to let go, either. He said, "At least you went, Sanada." And then I felt another hand on my shoulder, and heard Renji's voice somewhere above me say, "Don't beat yourself up too much, Genichiroh."

The next time I decide to sit down and count my blessings, I know what the first two will be.

Honestly, how did they know that was exactly what I needed? By all rights, I _deserved _a lecture from them. I guess they just figured that, since I knew I'd been wrong, they didn't need to say anything else. They knew I needed encouragement, and that laying on more guilt wouldn't do any good.

None of us said anything for a few moments; nobody moved. I don't know how long it was before Renji moved his hand and Yukimura gave a final squeeze before letting go. It was so strange, though, how natural it felt. It was the most comfortable I've felt with the both of them for a few months at least. All the stress of trying to please Yukimura and be a good boyfriend is gone now, and we're all just friends again, like we were during the first two years of junior high.

Honestly, it felt like things were finally the way they were _supposed_ to be again.

They were incredibly nice to me, all day. What I still don't get is why Yukimura doesn't seem the least bit upset that his plan to set me up with Atobe didn't work. You'd think he'd be frustrated, and still trying to get me to fix it. But no, all he seems to care about right now is making sure that we're still friends. And I'm okay with that.

But I still feel horrible about Atobe. I feel like I _should_ fix it, but I can't.

I was feeling alright when I got home from school. I finally felt ready to clean out my voice mail on my cell phone, which had about forty messages left on it from when Yukimura tried to call me after I caught him with Tezuka. Now that everything between us had calmed down, I decided I had the strength to sit through all of those messages and delete them, one by one. But it wasn't painful, like I thought it was going to be. I thought it would be horrible to relive that whole experience again, but actually, listening to Yukimura's voice desperately trying to say he was sorry kind of made me feel better about the whole thing. I could tell just by listening that he'd really felt bad about it when it happened, and it reaffirmed in my mind just how much he cares about me.

So I was sitting there, listening to the beginnings of each message, all of them from Yukimura: "Sanada, please answer your phone…" "Sanada, call me back…" "I'm so sorry, Sanada; let me explain…" But then suddenly, he was interrupted by another voice.

"Sanada?... It's me."

My heart skipped a beat and sank into the floor.

It was Atobe. Apparently he called the day I saw Yukimura kissing Tezuka, sometime late that night.

The rest of his message was, "There's something I need to tell you. Please call me back as soon as you get this."

I sat there for a moment, stunned. Why had Atobe called? He sounded desperate. While I was pondering this, the automatic voice mail system started its usual message, "To hear this message again, press one. To return the call, press two. To delete, press seven…"

I pressed one, and listened to it again. Then I listened to it a third time. I was trying to figure out why he called, why his voice was so urgent… At first I thought that maybe he'd wanted to tell me he loved me. But that was a while ago; it was probably too early for that…

Then I realized. He'd been trying to warn me.

After all, if Yukimura had been trying to set me up with Atobe, Atobe must have noticed how strange it was that we'd been meeting up so often lately. And he's so observant that he'd probably figured everything out by that point.

And he wanted to let me know, wanted to try to save me the pain.

It was so like him that I felt a lump forming in my throat. At least, it was like him, as I now know him … It was considerate and thoughtful of him, and the fact that he had bothered to call me and leave a message like that made me wish that I had listened to it sooner. I closed my cell phone and squeezed it tightly in my hand. Then I started feeling horrible for everything all over again, and I was seriously tempted to call him back and leave a message of my own, but I didn't. I couldn't. I'm sure he doesn't want to hear my voice ever again.

If I could have, though, I would have warned him. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have called him a long time ago and left him a message, warning him and saving _him _the pain of falling in love with me. But I had no idea. And it's certainly too late now.

It's very late, and I'm exhausted. With any luck, I'll be able to get some sleep tonight, if only because I'm so tired.

If not, though, I'll probably be lying awake for hours, thinking about Atobe.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月１２日月曜日**

**Monday, February 12****th**

I cannot wait until I am over this ridiculous cold.

Even apart from the fact that it frustrates me to be missing this many days of class, I don't think I can stand spending another day shut up in my bedroom, trying to amuse myself while I cough and sneeze my way through the long, tedious hours. Of course, what makes this problem even worse is the fact that this situation gives me far too much time to myself, which also means that I can't stop myself from thinking. And if I could just stop myself from thinking, then maybe I would have a fighting chance of forgetting about Sanada Genichiroh for more than five minutes at a time. And if I could do _that_, then maybe I would have a prayer of forgetting about him altogether, and I could finally stop acting like an idiot and get on with my life, instead of pining over him like a preteen girl.

Well, suffice to say that there are plenty of reasons why I am frustrated at how slowly I seem to be recovering from this illness. And even though it is the end of my third day with this terrible cold, I am still forbidden to leave the house, and it seems likely that I won't be permitted to attend school tomorrow, either. In fact, I am getting so frustrated that I'm almost tempted to break one of the windows in a desperate attempt to escape from this tedious situation.

To be fair, though, I did have one welcome reprieve from my boredom today, and it was much more pleasant than Sanada's sudden visit yesterday. Jiroh and Kabaji came to see me, and Jiroh even told me that the rest of the team had wanted to come with them, but that they had decided that I probably didn't want so many people crowding around me when I wasn't feeling well.

In any case, I believe it was about four o'clock or so that Jiroh surprised me by bounding right into my bedroom without warning, followed closely by Kabaji. As long as it was them, I didn't mind that they had come in unannounced (my servants have become so accustomed to their visits that they admit them without question), and unlike during Sanada's visit, I felt no particular compulsion to make myself any more presentable for the occasion. So it was actually rather relaxing, to be able to have company while still sitting comfortably in my bed. (Jiroh, of course, jumped right onto the mattress with me, whereas Kabaji simply drew up a chair and sat nearby.)

I have to admit that I was very glad to see them. After spending so many hours in the house by myself, I've come to realize that I dearly value those few trivial minutes that I spend with my friends during lunchtime, if only because they always serve to distract me from anything unpleasant that may be on my mind. Besides, the whole Sanada fiasco only served to remind me of just how important my friends are to me. If it weren't for the fact that I do have friends, I might be strongly tempted to believe that there isn't a single person on earth that cares whether I'm alive or not. It's a melodramatic conclusion, perhaps, but an easy one to make if you truly believe that you're alone in the world.

Well, I know that I'm not alone. I didn't always believe this, but I have come to find that it's true.

Anyway, Jiroh immediately started asking me how I was feeling, and if I would be back to school soon. I didn't know, of course, but I told him that I hoped I would be back by Wednesday. He also gave me the notes for all the classes that I had missed (I was rather touched by the fact that he had actually bothered to stay awake to take notes), and informed me that all the girls had been asking about me since Saturday. I was a little confused about this, until Jiroh explained that they were all worried that I wouldn't be at school on Valentine's Day. And then I remembered.

Wednesday is Valentine's Day.

I believe I actually grimaced at the reminder; the last thing that I wanted to think about was the idea of having to endure an entire day devoted to romance, when I am still trying to forget about my foolish confession to Sanada. Much to my surprise, Jiroh seemed to notice my expression, and he asked what was wrong. I could see the same question in Kabaji's eyes as well, and I don't quite know why, but the next thing that I knew…

The next thing that I knew, I had told them both a very brief version of everything that had happened in the past month, and how Sanada Genichiroh had just rejected me on Friday, and how I was trying so hard to forget about him, even though it seemed almost impossible to do.

Well, they had never heard anything about this, of course. I hadn't told a single person other than Tezuka, not even about seeing Sanada at the Latin concert so many weeks ago. And I certainly hadn't said a thing to them about how I had fallen for him. But they didn't bombard me with questions, or tell me how stupid it was to try to confess to someone like that (even though they would have had every right to do it, especially since they both know about what happened between Tezuka and me last summer).

Instead, they just listened. And then Jiroh said one simple thing.

"You still like him, don't you?"

I don't know why, but suddenly I couldn't say a word. I just nodded, almost helplessly, and tried to keep my eyes from watering. If it had been anyone else, I probably would have denied it in a loud voice and shrugged off the question, as though nothing in the world mattered as little to me as Sanada Genichiroh. But because it was Jiroh, and because it was Kabaji, somehow…

Somehow, I could only tell the truth. Even if it was weak of me, it was still the truth, and I simply couldn't lie to them.

Suddenly, I felt someone's arms around me, and a big, warm hand pressed against my own. I could feel a lump forming in my throat, but I managed to choke the tears back, and then I let myself relax. And we just sat there like that, with Jiroh hugging me on one side and Kabaji holding my hand on the other. No one said a word, but they didn't need to say anything for me to know exactly what they meant. And in that silence, I suddenly felt very relieved…

For the first time since he had collapsed into the snow on Friday night, Atobe Keigo knew without a doubt that he was going to be fine.

I suppose it's a terribly cliché thing to say, but I really don't know what I would do without my friends. If it weren't for the fact that they cared enough to check on me today, I would still be tossing and turning in my bed, feeling completely miserable and alone. And even though it still hurts to think about Sanada, I feel as though I've finally been given the strength to move beyond this disappointment, and to recover with the same confidence that I always have. It may take a long time for the pain to completely disappear, but I will survive it, because I don't have to get through this alone.

No, I'm not alone. I'm incredibly blessed.

In any case, I think that they could both sense that I didn't want to dwell on the subject too much, so we talked about other things for the rest of the visit. But just before the very end, something occurred to me, and so I couldn't resist asking Jiroh one question before he went out the door. Somehow, I already knew that he would have the answer that I needed…

I asked him how he had recovered from his disappointment with Marui in the fall.

He stopped in his tracks for a moment, and looked at me very seriously, which was rather unexpected. But then he smiled a little, and he said something which was just so like him that I had to smile back…

"I just kept going, that's all. Every day, it hurts a little less, until it doesn't hurt any more."

I will believe him. Even if it doesn't feel like that tonight, when I am struggling to breathe and trying my best not to cough, when the world outside the window is dark and cold, when I sit here by myself in a bed that feels painfully big and empty…

Even now, I will believe that tomorrow, the ache inside of me that is Sanada Genichiroh will hurt a little less. And I will believe that the day after tomorrow, it will hurt just a little less than that. And I will believe that every day from then on, it will hurt less and less…

Until it doesn't hurt any more.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月１３日火曜日**

**Tuesday, February 13****th**

Whatever it was that happened to me last night, it can't be called sleep.

I'll be surprised if this entry is even coherent. No, I have not taken a nap today, and no, I'm not absolutely sure I want to try sleeping tonight, simply for fear that the same thing will happen. It was something between having a nightmare and being awake… When I wasn't tossing and turning, I was paralyzed from half-unconsciousness, helpless to escape from whatever horrible dream I was having until it came to its climax and I jolted awake.

It was just one of those nights when the heater was making me uncomfortable. Honestly, no one should wake up sweating that much in winter. All of my nightmares were feverish, sweaty dreams… Come to think of it, not all of them were nightmares. Well, at least, not all of them _began _as nightmares… But they were all hot and uncomfortable.

And all of them somehow involved Atobe.

I wasn't quite awake when I got to the train station this morning. I was standing near the edge of the platform, with my toes just behind the yellow line, listening to some woman next to me on talk her cell phone. I must have started dozing off or something, because just before the train arrived I could have sworn I heard the woman say, "Why am I late? Oh, the usual. Some idiot jumped in front of the trains again…" And I thought for sure I'd fallen into the gap and was going to get run over, but the oncoming train screeching to a halt woke me up. I was still standing on the platform, safely behind the yellow line.

Anyway, that's how tired I was.

I had trouble staying awake in class today as well. All my friends seemed to guess that I didn't want to be bothered too much. My teachers weren't as nice. But it was fine; somehow I got through the day. I had trouble staying awake on the way home, too. (Needless to say, while I was waiting for the train I stood _well _behind the yellow line.) I fell asleep on the train and slept through my stop, so I had to get on another train and go back a few stops the other way to get home.

I think I'll get a good night's sleep tonight. It's pretty early right now, and I plan to go to bed as soon as I finish this entry.

As tired as I was, though, when I got home a thought occurred to me. I've missed three kendo lessons in a row. Three weeks ago, I slept through one and Grandfather didn't wake me up. The week after that, I'd been on a date with Yukimura. And last Tuesday was the day Yukimura broke up with me.

I put on my hakama, grabbed my katana, and slipped into the dojo at our usual time. Grandfather was there, of course, meditating. It made me wonder if he'd waited for me like that the last three weeks, every time I didn't show up. I wasn't sure whether or not to interrupt him, so I just quietly went over and sat beside him. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind.

After a few minutes of silence, he asked me what I was doing there. He didn't sound angry, but I could tell by his question that he was scolding me for the last two absences at least. I answered him by saying that I was there for my lesson, and added an apology for missing the last three. He was quiet again for a long time, and then he said, "You're early."

I opened my eyes and glanced at him. He didn't move or open his eyes. I couldn't understand what he meant by that; I had arrived exactly on time, neither early nor late. But, if anything, I thought he should have said that I was _late, _because really, I was three weeks late for our lesson.

So I replied, "Don't you mean I'm late?" But he repeated again that I was early. After another minute or so of uncomfortable silence, he got up and said, "Come back when you're ready." Then he left the training room.

It made sense to me then. He thought that I wasn't focused enough to practice.

He was right, too. I started getting angry with myself. I wish I could just get past everything that's happened to me lately. When will I finally be able to focus again? At this rate, I'll never be ready for another kendo lesson.

I tried to make a conscious decision to refocus. I got as comfortable as I could and tried to meditate. I should have known that it wouldn't work. All that came into my mind was that picture of Atobe again, lying in the snow… It was beautiful, of course; it was so horribly beautiful that all I really wanted to do was cry…

That's when I realized that I _was_ crying.

When you meditate, you're supposed to forget about your body; you're not supposed to know how you're sitting, what you're doing, or any of that. You lose complete control over everything but your mind. So that's why I wasn't able to stop the tears from coming, and why I didn't feel them until distinct trails had formed on my cheeks.

Nevertheless, it was a disturbing discovery.

It was clear to me then that I wasn't going to be able to focus tonight. I wiped my face with my sleeve and got up, then left to write this entry and go to bed.

And I think that's all I can do, at this point. I really am tired, and I can't seem to focus for much longer than ten seconds at a time.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

"_Dear Atobe,_

_I'm going to see you today, to apologize for what I did to you on Friday. But I thought I should write out my apology, too, because I'm not sure how much of this I'm actually going to get the chance or have the courage to say. So I'm sorry if I repeat myself._

_First of all, just simply… I'm sorry. For a lot of things… First, I'm sorry I forgot my cell phone Friday morning. You were absolutely right; it was careless of me. It was a mistake, and all mistakes have consequences. It doesn't seem fair that you're the one still suffering from it. I'm truly sorry for being such an idiot._

_I'm also sorry for how I responded, when you told me you were falling for me. I panicked. I really didn't know what to do; it all seemed so out of the blue… But I'm not trying to make excuses. In all honesty, it wasn't completely out of the blue… I should have noticed in the way you've been treating me lately that something had changed. You were being so kind to me, and giving me so many things I didn't deserve… I hardly even thanked you for it. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to thank you, much less notice that your heart was kind of trying tell me something. So I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner._

_And, again, about how I responded… I'm sorry for running away. I've been thinking about this really hard, and I don't think I could have possibly done anything worse in that situation. Because if I'd done something awful, maybe then at least you'd have reason to hate me, and that might be a little easier. That way you could take out your anger on me, and maybe then it would hurt less. But I didn't even give you that. I just ran away. Personally, I think that gives you every reason to hate me, but it was probably more confusing than anything else…_

_Is this even making any sense? I don't know._

_The point is, I'm very sorry._

_I'm sorry for everything, really; even the things I can't control. I'm sorry you fell in love with me. I wish you hadn't. Don't get me wrong; it's not that your feelings are a nuisance to me or anything. Actually, I'm __**honored**__ that you could ever feel that way about me. But I'm sure it's not exactly a picnic being in love with someone like me. I'm an idiot sometimes, and there must be a billion reasons why you've always found me so irritating. So I'm sorry that this had to happen to you. I'm also sorry that I don't feel the same way._

_You wouldn't want me anyway, actually. I'm sure Yukimura could tell you that I'm not exactly the type of person who becomes easier to love, the more you get to know me…_

_But you are, Atobe._

_I was completely wrong about you, and I'm sorry for that too. I thought you were nothing but a fake and an arrogant snob. I was wrong. It's true that you're not quick to show people your true feelings, but I don't blame you for that. People are horrible, as I think I've proved pretty well. I understand that you've just been protecting yourself. I'm sorry for assuming the worst about you._

_The truth is, you're incredibly genuine. Now that I see it, I can't believe I didn't see it before. I honestly had no idea. But you're generous and kind and thoughtful, and a ton of other things I can't seem to find the words to describe right now…_

_Well, the perfect example is what you did for me last weekend. You're the kind of person who, when I was hurting, took me into your home, invited me to stay in your bed, took care of me, and distracted me long enough for the pain to disappear somewhat. And on top of all that, you spent your own money to buy me something I've always wanted, for no other reason than hoping it would make me feel a little better._

_You know what you did that day, Atobe? You picked up someone's broken heart, and took the time to put all the tiny fragments back together so it could heal._

_I could never thank you enough._

_But that's the kind of person you are. You're willing to go out of your way to help someone who's given you no reason to like them at all. Someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you._

_Maybe it's better, then, that things didn't work out. I hope you find someone who actually deserves you…_

_You must be lonely. I'm sure you're tired of waiting, and sometimes you probably just want to give up and settle for some nobody. Don't do that; never settle for someone less. I don't want that for you. But I know that it's going to take a long time, and a lot of waiting for someone like you to find someone who deserves you. I hope you don't have to wait too much longer, though. It just doesn't seem fair._

_You'd be settling for me; I don't deserve you at all. After what I've done to you, and all of the horrible things I've said to you… Atobe, I'm sorry for all of that. Nothing bad I've ever said about you was true. I was stupid; I didn't know you at all. And you deserve so much better._

_Anyway… That's all I can think of to say, even though I feel like there's so much more I __**should**__ say. I wanted to give you something, because I thought a present might be able to say "I'm sorry" better than I ever could. So I thought I'd buy you a journal, since you said before that your old one is running out of pages… I'm sorry that this one is so small; I tried to find a thicker one, but I didn't see any that I thought were nice… I'm sure you'll fill up this one in no time. Perhaps it's just as well. Maybe, by the time you're done filling up these pages, you can forget about me. And since this journal is small, that can happen faster. Then you can put this book away forever, along with your feelings for me._

_I wish you all of the happiness in the world._

_Sincerely,_

_Sanada Genichiroh_

_真田弦一郎"_

…

**２月１３日火曜日**

**Tuesday, February 13****th**

I hardly know how to begin this entry.

Of course, I know that I should probably start from the beginning, even though the beginning was just another boring day of being stuck in my room with a cold. In fact, the only thing worth mentioning about it is that I was feeling well enough this morning to be permitted to walk around the house. And so I refuse to start from the beginning. Instead, I will go straight to the point.

Today, I found out why I fell for Sanada Genichiroh.

I was walking through my front parlor this afternoon, when I noticed something strange sitting on the coffee table. It was a shopping bag of some kind, which immediately struck me as odd, since the servants are usually so good about keeping the room free from any clutter. So I walked over and picked up the bag, which had the logo of some bookstore that I didn't recognize on it, and then I looked inside…

It was a journal.

I have to admit, my heart immediately skipped a beat. I couldn't help remembering the conversation with Sanada so many nights ago in my bedroom, when he asked me whether I kept a journal. But I told myself that was ridiculous, and that even if Sanada _had_ left it there two days ago, the odds were that it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Still, I couldn't help thinking that it didn't look like the kind of journal that he would use. (It's a very beautiful book, with a silvery, mother-of-pearl design on the cover and solid black binding.) I carefully took it out of the bag to get a better look, and then I opened the cover with the intention of flipping through a few of the pages…

The first page was already full of writing, and the very first two words were "Dear Atobe," done in a strong, elegant hand that I had never seen before in my life.

It was Sanada's handwriting.

Well, I immediately started reading it, of course. I read all the way through his message to me, as quickly as I possibly could. And then I read it again, slowly taking in every sentence, every single word that Sanada had written on those pages. And as I sit here, struggling for the words to describe how this letter made me feel, I realize that nothing I can say will do it justice. Fortunately, I don't have to describe the letter itself, since it precedes this entry… Once I had read through the letter a fourth time, I was suddenly filled with the urge to try to write down all that I was feeling in response, and so I walked into my bedroom to find the journal I was currently using. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was only one page left in it after last night's entry, and that I still hadn't had the time to go and buy another one.

Well, Sanada's gift found me at the perfect time. And I can't help thinking that his message to me did the same.

So here I am, writing in this new journal that Sanada left for me on my coffee table, as I constantly flip back to the first few pages to read what Sanada wrote. And I hardly know how to describe the feeling that is growing inside of me, as I read his letter over and over again. In all honesty, I'm speechless. Even though I was already in love with him, I had no idea just how kind and observant and even eloquent Sanada could be, at least when he takes the time to write out his thoughts.

If his intention in writing this was to help me forget about him, I would have to say that he failed miserably.

I truly cannot believe how insightful his letter is. Of course, his visit on Sunday did suggest to me that he had already figured out that I have a tendency to hide behind a mask when I am around him. But I had no idea that he already knew I was doing it in order to protect myself, when the only other person who ever realized this fact was Tezuka. And in light of his insensitive comment over a month ago about "at least I have a boyfriend," that paragraph which talks so kindly about not settling for someone beneath me, even though he knows that I must be lonely… Well, it genuinely shocks me.

And that's not even mentioning the way that he apologizes, over and over again, for a situation that really wasn't his fault, simply out of concern for me. Or the way that he is so quick to thank and even _praise_ me, for some silly little gesture that I was all too happy to do for him, even though a simple pen couldn't have possibly been enough to heal someone who was suffering so badly. Or the way that he truly seems to regret anything that he might have done to cause me pain, even the things that are completely out of his control, such as how I might respond to his gift, a gift that he clearly went to so much trouble to find.

Is this even the same Sanada that I know?

Maybe I'm not the only one whose better side is hidden somewhere out of sight.

And the more I think about it, the more indignant I am at the way that he implies in this letter that I am too good for him. That couldn't possibly be further from the truth. He was good enough for me even as I first knew him, as that stoic, antisocial tennis nerd, who had a remarkable talent for saying the one thing that was most likely to push my buttons and send me on a tyrannical rant about his stupidity. And then about three weeks ago, he had already become _too_ good for me… That happened when I realized how much he truly loved Yukimura, and that his only actual weakness was the depth of his affection for that unknowingly blessed individual. It was because of this same realization that I fell in love with him.

And that doesn't even include the side of him that I have seen today, in between these beautifully written lines of black ink.

I just wish that I could tell him how wrong he is about that assumption. The truth is that I couldn't ask for anyone better than him. It doesn't matter, of course, because he doesn't return my feelings, and I certainly don't intend to bother him any longer with my claims of affection, when I know that they would only trouble him and cause him even more unnecessary frustration…

But Sanada, if only you knew how your letter made me feel, you would never say such a thing.

You wish me all the happiness in the world, but I couldn't have that without you.

Well, I hardly know what to write anymore. It feels as though there must be so much more to say, especially about this letter, which has moved me so far beyond my ability to adequately express my emotions that I can't even begin to explore it. Somehow, I just don't have any words left, except for these three feeble, insignificant ones, but to me, they mean the whole world and then some…

I love him.

Oh god, I still love him.

I don't know what else to say.

…

Well, it's getting late, and I should probably be trying to get some sleep, instead of writing in this journal for the second time in one day. But somehow, I simply can't stop reading over Sanada's letter to me, even though I've already read it more times than I can count. By this point, I've practically memorized every single word on these pages, and yet somehow, there are still things about it that continue to surprise me.

To be perfectly honest, the more I read it, the more I find this letter extremely perplexing.

The beginning of the letter still makes sense to me, of course, even if the way that he apologizes for the situation is rather excessive. After all, Sanada is certainly the type of person to take responsibility for his actions, and I would imagine that he is so incredibly strict with himself that he would even take responsibility for things that are out of his control. So while I don't agree with him, I wouldn't say that it's an unexpected response.

The rest of the letter, however, makes absolutely no sense.

He says that he wants me to hate him, or at least forget about him. While I could understand that sentiment if he finds my feelings a nuisance, he specifically says that he is _honored_ by the way I feel. But if that's true, then why does he wish that I didn't love him? He then says that it must be difficult to be in love with someone like him. That couldn't be further from the truth! It's quite easy to be in love with him; even when I already knew that he didn't feel the same about me, he still made me feel like I was walking on air during that day we went shopping together. He even goes so far as to say that "You wouldn't want me anyway," citing the fact that Yukimura dumped him as proof of his assertion.

That is absolutely ridiculous. Simply because Yukimura acted like an idiot does not mean that Sanada is unlovable. Yukimura's actions reflect badly on Yukimura, not on him.

And you're wrong, Sanada. I do want you. I believe I've already made that perfectly clear.

Of course, the part where he starts to compliment me is even more perplexing… While I did say that it proves that he's surprisingly observant, especially when it comes to the false front that I use, it's still much too generous for someone like him to say about someone like me. And that's why I just can't understand it. If Sanada truly wanted me to hate him, why would he make such a point of saying kind things about me? Doesn't he know that such a thing only makes me wish even more desperately that he would return my feelings, so that I could be closer to someone who actually seems to understand me?

And then he says the most ridiculous thing of all: "Someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you."

My mind can barely even comprehend such a statement. In what parallel universe is Sanada currently living, that he's actually come to believe such a thing? Perhaps it's just a little white lie, one of those excuses that a person naturally uses to discourage unwanted attention, but I have a very difficult time picturing Sanada resorting to such an underhanded technique to try to get rid of me. If anything, his character would have to suggest that he truly means what he is saying… But when in the world did Sanada Genichiroh start believing that Atobe Keigo is too good for him? It's just utterly bizarre.

He goes on to tell me that I should never settle for anything less than I deserve, and that I would be settling for less if I chose him. He then repeats his assertion that he doesn't deserve me, and cites the fact that he said some rude things to me in the past as proof. Really, this makes absolutely no sense at all. What about all of the horrible things that I've said to him? For every insult he ever gave me, I paid him back double, with interest.

I just don't understand what he's trying to say. Is this his strange way of rejecting me, because he feels that he has to be as complimentary as possible, in some sort of misguided attempt to let me down gently? Or does he truly believe every word that he wrote on these pages? I don't even see how that's possible.

If he truly believes that I am a wonderful person, how can he also believe that I would fall in love with someone horrible? If he really is honored by the fact that I love him, why would he want me to hate him? If he actually thinks that he is such a terrible person, then why does he take the time to be so gentle and kind in his letter? Why not just live up to his claim and say something to make me hate him? At least then it wouldn't be nearly so unexpected and confusing. It would just sound like the same old Sanada that snapped at me by the fountain, instead of tantalizing me with this new version of Sanada that I find myself loving even more deeply than the original.

I don't know. I just don't know what to think anymore.

I really should be going to bed now. I have to recover from this cold… I've already spent far too many days in this room, missing class and moping around like a child.

But, really… This letter makes absolutely no sense at all.

…

Yes, it's three o'clock in the morning, and yes, I'm still awake. Somehow, it's just impossible to sleep, when I can't stop thinking about the letter that Sanada wrote. These pages may very well be the only response that I will ever get, in regards to my feelings for him. And so I want to understand it. I want to know how he feels about me. I want to know if maybe, someday, there is still the slightest chance that he could feel the way that I do, even if it's impossible. And if it _is_ impossible, I just want to know for certain that this is the case.

I want to know if this letter is a rejection. The problem is that it doesn't seem to be, or at least not a coherent one.

But then what is it?

I truly don't know the answer to that question.

I've been thinking about something else, too, and that is how different he was acting in front of me when he came to visit my house on Sunday. Presumably, he came here to give me this journal, as some kind of unnecessary apology for what happened in the park. But he never actually got around to giving it to me, and he certainly wasn't saying any of the things that he says here in his letter. Instead, he was saying all kinds of strange things, things that didn't make any sense at all, especially in the context of this kind message…

Well, I can just look in my old journal to prove it.

Yes, it's all here… He came over to my house on Sunday, and the first thing that he did was start apologizing to me, even though he didn't do anything wrong. But I suppose that this part still makes sense, given the fact that he's so quick to take responsibility for things that are out of his control (such as when Yukimura broke up with him). After that, though, his actions make absolutely no sense at all.

For one thing, he became extremely upset when I tried to act like everything was fine, and he even told me directly to "stop pretending." If he really understands why I act like a fake, which he says that he does in his letter, then why did he get so angry when I was just trying to keep myself from getting hurt any more than I already was? Why should he care whether or not I'm wearing my mask in front of him? He has no interest in getting to know me, or at least he's never expressed any such interest. I really don't see why he should have been so angry about something that he even seems to excuse in the letter.

The only potentially logical explanation for this behavior (and in my opinion, it's still very illogical) is that he truly believes that underneath my mask, I am the wonderful person that he praises in this journal. But that is so hard to believe, and it's even harder to believe that he would take it personally that I would hide my true feelings from him.

Again, why should he care?

Still, as illogical as that part of our conversation was, the strangest part was probably when he exploded at me, telling me to "forget about my dignity" and to tell him once again that I loved him. Why in the world would he want me to say that again? If he truly believes that I'm too good for him, and that I would be wasting my time by "settling" for him, then why on earth would he want me to repeat my confession? If anything, he should have been angry if I _did_ try to say it again, because that would mean that I truly wanted to "settle" for him and didn't believe a word he says about himself in this letter. (Which I don't, of course, but I never intended to tell him that I loved him again. I already knew that it would hurt too much.)

He even took me by the shoulders, physically touching me in a way that he should have known would only make the situation worse, and bent down close to my face as he tried to persuade me to tell him that I loved him. Why would he do that? Why would he even try to come within ten feet of me, if he truly wants me to forget about him?

I just don't understand it. Somewhere, in all of this, there has to be at least one lie, for any of it to make even the slightest bit of sense.

But then which part is the lie?

Needless to say, I'm starting to get extremely frustrated with all of this. I don't like having puzzles held up in front of me that I cannot solve, and I've been trying to solve this one for hours. Of course, I know that it's rather pointless to be trying to figure out what Sanada meant by his behavior… Either way, he still doesn't return my feelings, and so nothing between us can possibly change. He even states that explicitly in the letter, and he would have retracted his statement during our conversation if he didn't really mean it.

But I _am_ starting to believe that he doesn't really want me to forget about him, since he made such a point of visiting me on Sunday. And his letter already proves that he doesn't actually want me to hate him, because he took the time to write it in the first place.

No, instead he wants to force me to tell him again that I love him.

Sanada, you are as confusing as hell.

In any case, I can't spend any more time pondering this bizarre mystery, as much as it frustrates me to give up on it without reaching any sort of conclusion. I really need to get some sleep, if I'm ever going to recover from this cold…

But, honestly, it's just so terribly frustrating. All I want is to understand what he meant.

I'm almost tempted to go over to his house and ask him.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

**２月１４日水曜日**

**Wednesday, February 14****th**

I almost laughed out loud when I wrote the date. Because I forgot _again _that it was Valentine's Day today.

But I can't laugh. I have to be quiet.

The first time I forgot what day it was today was this morning. I had no idea that it was Valentine's Day until I got to school. Instantly, I was greeted by the sight of a second-year accepting chocolates from a shy-looking girl right in front of the gate.

I almost turned around and went home.

It was especially depressing, because I'd been in such a good mood until then. I'd finally gotten a full night's sleep last night, and I felt like everything was back to normal, and maybe I could just forget about everything that's been bothering me. But when I realized what day it was, I couldn't help suddenly feeling lonely. (Now I know what single people complain about on this holiday. Being alone on Valentine's Day never bothered me until this year.) In any case, I forced myself to endure it.

What was extremely odd, though, was how much chocolate I was getting. I opened up my locker this morning, and I think there was more chocolate in there than there's ever been. This was the one year I expected to get hardly any (if any at all), since I figured that the girls in my grade would have given up by now. I thought for sure that the rumors had spread about Yukimura and me going out. Maybe they've already heard somehow that we broke up, and their offerings of chocolate were some misguided attempt at making me feel better. But if they heard about it that fast, frankly, I find that disturbing. Nevertheless, I tried to accept their pity chocolate as graciously as I could.

This was the first year I actually ate some of it, though. I would never admit it to anyone, but I have somewhat of a sweet tooth for chocolate. I don't have a sweet tooth for anything else, really, but ever since Marui forced me to try some of the better-quality chocolate last year, I have to admit that I like it. So now when Marui drags us all to some café or parfait shop, occasionally I'll offer to share a small chocolate cake with someone.

Anyway, I figured I could use some chocolate today. So I sneaked a few pieces today at lunch and between classes.

Renji ate some of it, too. I don't know why he does that every year; he gets plenty by himself. I think he has something against eating the chocolate that's actually given to him, because he feels like it would give the wrong idea to whoever made the chocolate he ate. Anyway, while he was snitching, he noticed that I'd been eating some. Judging by the look he gave me, I think he wanted to laugh.

Yukimura also got a ton of chocolate. And he was being nice to me all day; I think he must have guessed that I was feeling a little depressed. Akaya even asked me if we were getting back together. I told him no, of course—

Why am I spending so much time writing about this? This isn't the important part…

Oh, forget it all.

Atobe came over today.

When I came home from school, I was feeling cold, so I thought it might be nice to take my bath before dinner. The warm water felt really good—for the minute or so that I was able to enjoy it. What interrupted me was something that I irrationally dread every time I get into the bath: my mother calling, telling me I have a visitor. Just my luck. I had to get out of the bath, finish washing, and get dressed as quickly as I could, which took a lot longer than I would have liked. The whole time, I was wondering who in the world would have come to my house today.

As I was coming down the hall, the first thing I heard was coughing. Immediately I knew who it was. Part of me wanted to turn around and go hide in my room, but actually I started walking faster towards the sound. I'm not sure why; I think I just wanted to know what Atobe was doing here, especially since he was apparently still sick.

When I came in sight of the front room, my mother had her hand on his forehead and was asking him how he "got such a terrible cold." I stopped then, worried about what Atobe might say in response. He glanced at me, then said it was his fault, and that he'd waited outside too long for "someone."

I don't know why he didn't just say it was me.

I just stood there like an idiot, though, staring at him. He looked better, but still very sick. The sight of him was starting to make my heart race, somehow. He wasn't quite looking at me, but instead kept glancing at my mother, politely listening to her rant something about how "inconsiderate" it was for "someone" to keep him waiting that long.

She grabbed my wrist suddenly and pulled me into the room, asking me what took me so long. At first I was a little confused; I thought she was talking about last Friday. But then I remembered where I was, and apologized, explaining that I had been taking a bath.

She, of course, felt the need to comment on how odd it was for me to take a bath so early, and then said something about how I seem to have my father's bad timing. Then she turned back to Atobe, asking if he needed anything, offering him tea… Honestly, I was wishing she would just leave us alone. I still didn't know why Atobe was here, but I was positive that he wanted to talk to me, and we certainly couldn't talk in front of my mother. I think Atobe was feeling just as impatient as I was. He declined the tea, and I think Mother took the hint. She said that I would get anything that Atobe needed, and told us she would "leave you boys alone."

Before she was even gone, I turned down the hallway, telling Atobe that we could talk in my room. He followed quickly behind. I closed the door behind us and asked what he was doing here, to which he reached into his messenger bag and pulled out the journal I'd bought him. His question was, "What is _this _about?"

Well, frankly, I was just relieved to see that he'd gotten my note. What made it even better was that he was going to give me the chance to explain, to tell him that everything I'd wanted to say to him on Sunday was in that note, and that I was sorry for what actually came out of mouth. I was so relieved that I almost smiled as I asked him if he'd actually read it.

He confirmed that he'd read it, and then he started complaining about what was in it. He said something to the effect of, "This is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said to me, which is saying a lot. How could you believe any of this?" I didn't quite understand what he was so angry about—at this point, I could hardly even remember what I'd written. He opened it up and pointed out how I said that I didn't deserve him, and that he'd be better off without me.

I still didn't understand what the problem was. I told him that I'd meant every word.

He was really upset, and he seemed to be stumbling over his thoughts a little. He asked me if I thought he was stupid enough to fall for someone that didn't deserve him. But that's a terrible argument; his intelligence has nothing to do with the fact that he fell for me. If it did, I'm sure none of this would have happened. I reminded him that he couldn't control who he fell in love with. (I'm sure he knew that; but apparently he wasn't able to think clearly at the moment.)

He really wasn't well. This combined with the fact that, as I said, he was upset; so upset that I could see him struggling to keep from shaking. He was saying something about how "it's not true" (I assume he was referring to what I wrote), and that he wasn't stupid, and then I saw his eyes sort of go out of focus… The last argument he gave me before he passed out was, "I don't just love you, Sanada; I adore you."

He probably won't even remember that he said that.

I caught him as he was falling, and I guess I just held him there for a minute, thinking about what he said. The fact that he loves me is strange enough. But, apparently… he _adores _me.

Words could never explain how that makes me feel.

I guess what he was trying to tell me was that even if he couldn't keep himself from falling in love with me, he still thought I deserved him, and it wasn't just his feelings talking. He'd thought about it, and had somehow come to the conclusion that I wasn't completely detestable. Instead, he found me worth _adoring_.

Again… words are so useless.

He was still in my arms. I adjusted his position and held him a little closer for a moment. He seemed to be sleeping. I was relieved that he seemed somewhat comfortable, and it felt nice, holding him securely in my arms like that… But I wasn't quite sure what to do. I considered carrying him out to the front of the house and sending him home in his limousine so he could rest. But I decided I couldn't do that. I decided that I didn't want him to leave my sight.

I knelt down carefully and laid him on the floor, using his bag as a temporary pillow while I set out my futon. Once I got him comfortably in my bed, I went to ask my mother for a cool washcloth, told her what had happened, and asked if Atobe could stay the night. Then I told Atobe's chauffer that we would call sometime tomorrow when he was ready to be picked up. The man wrote down a number for us to call and left.

I made sure again that Atobe seemed comfortable while he slept. He slept the entire time. He's still sleeping now. After I made sure he was alright (and watched him sleep for a little while), I did some studying and then sat down to write this entry.

But I really can't leave it at that.

At the same time, though, I can hardly concentrate enough to keep writing. I said I studied, but really I just stared blankly at my textbooks for a few seconds at a time, turning around every now and then to watch Atobe sleep. And I keep losing myself in thought when I do that, until a few minutes have passed and all I've been doing is staring at him. He looks very tired. But at least he seems to be sleeping peacefully because of it. I'd feel horrible if he was having nightmares…

I wonder if I've ever given him nightmares.

And, again, I find myself having wasted about nine minutes just staring at him.

And I'm likely to waste even more time now that I'm sitting at his side.

I can't even tell you what I'm thinking about, while I watch him sleep. I guess I'm doing more feeling than actual thinking. But I can't even tell you what I'm feeling, because either it keeps changing, or it's some strange emotion that is guilty and depressed and peaceful and happy, all at the same time. I guess it's sort of what I feel when I meditate, and that image of his face pops into my head…

Except he's here now.

He's flushed, and maybe sweating a little, unless that's just the moisture from the washcloth. He's still sick, he's still all alone, and he still has every reason to hate me and is probably tortured by the fact that he doesn't. When he wakes up, I have no idea what I'm going to say to him. He's probably going to freak out, maybe even get angry at me for sending his chauffer home. If not that, he'll be angry that I let him sleep for so long. And because I have no clue what to say, I'm probably not going to react much more tenderly than I did when I went to see him on Sunday. By the time I go to school tomorrow, I'm probably going to feel even worse about this whole thing than I already do.

So why is it that, right now, I feel like everything's going to be alright?

Suddenly, I want to stop writing. I don't really want to think about this anymore…

But maybe, for his sake, I should…

God, why is this so hard?

I think I love him.

There… I said it.

The truth is, I've been forcing myself to deny it for a long time. Especially these past few days… I looked over a couple of my latest entries (which were surprisingly coherent, despite my lack of sleep), and the only thing I can conclude is that I love him. I can't stop thinking about him. Even today, with all the chocolate and the flowers and the "romance," when every inch of my loneliness should have been forcing my mind to think about Yukimura, and how, a month ago, I'd wanted to share today with him… I wasn't thinking about that. I thought about it a little, maybe, but mostly I was thinking about Atobe. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about how lonely _he _must have been today, sick in bed, alone, without even chocolate from his hundreds of female fans to comfort him, and how I sort of wished I could go over to his house and give him some of mine.

I'm still struggling with this, though… I mean, does that actually mean I _love_ him? Or is it just some strange obsession?

I don't know. How can you tell if you love someone?

Love is… Well, I thought it was what I had with Yukimura. The way I admired him. The way I always wanted to be near him. The way I wanted to take care of him. The way I wanted to hold him and kiss him. The way it tingled in my ears every time he said he loved me. The way I constantly worried about him…

I would _die _for Yukimura. That's what love is, isn't it?

But I think I would die for Atobe, too…

Honestly, I can't find one single difference, at least not in the list I just gave. The only difference I can think of is that I've seemed to have more irrational urges to kiss Atobe. I suppose I had some of that with Yukimura… I guess the real difference, then, is that I don't know _why_ I always feel like kissing Atobe.

I care about him. I've been worried about him. I want to be near him and take care of him; I want to hold him and never let go. And (if I'm being completely honest with myself) I'm ridiculously attracted to him. Not only that, but now that I've realized what a kind person he can be, I admire him deeply. What's left, really?

When I put it like that, I feel like I should have figured this out a while ago.

Like I said, though, I was forcing it back. The main reason was Yukimura, of course. He was right when he said I was stubborn. I had absolutely convinced myself that I could never be with anyone else. And I suffocated him that way. No… I suffocated both of us.

Another reason I didn't want to fall for Atobe, though, was probably because… Well, it's going to be hard. Being with someone who drives me this crazy, as opposed to someone I feel very comfortable with… I mean, I feel so _much _when it comes to Atobe. I feel so many different things, and so strongly, that sometimes being around him makes me feel like I'm going to explode. It's always been that way with him. I just never imagined it turning out _this_ way.

I'm a little afraid, I guess.

No… I'm _very _afraid.

After everything that's happened with Yukimura, and how painful _that _was… I can't even imagine how much worse it would be with Atobe. Yukimura's a very good friend of mine, someone I've known for a long time and feel like I've known for even longer. Deep down, I knew that ending our relationship wasn't going to end our friendship. He'll always be there for me. And (again, if I'm _completely _honest) I wasn't that attached to the romantic side of our relationship anyway. I mostly just wanted to be close to him, and be able to let him know that I cared.

But with Atobe…

With Atobe, I've suddenly become crazy with greed. I want it all. I want him to give me everything. Or if he won't give it to me, I want to take it. I want to rip off that mask of his and dive into the deepest core of his inner being. I want to know everything about him: what he's feeling, what he's really thinking, what he wants. And yet I love the torture of it all, the way I'll probably never have him completely figured out, because there seems to be no end to him, at least if what I have been seeing in his eyes lately is any indication. And I want to give him everything in return. I want him to figure me out, to dig into my heart and see everything, until there's nothing else to know.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore… I didn't know that all of these words were trapped inside of me.

But I'm scared…

What if, after all of that, after all of the torture and the pleasure and the taking and the digging and the giving… What if it didn't work out?

I can't do this. I am scared to _death_ that he would leave me. After all the passion is quenched and dealt with, how do I know that there will be anything left? What if the "love" that we think we have for each other goes away, and all we're left with are our arguments?

I can't possibly imagine a more bitter break-up than the one Atobe and I would have.

I think I _would_ jump in front of a train.

But does that maybe prove that we _should _be together?

Besides, listen to me; I'm skipping right to the breakup, before anything has even happened between us. I guess I'm just not much for the impulsive approach. I'm hesitant to jump into something as dangerous as this, when I have no clue what's going to happen.

I'm vaguely tempted to call Renji and ask him for advice.

But then again… Didn't Yukimura already talk to him?

Atobe just stirred a little in his sleep, and now I've lost my train of thought.

I love him. I really do. Since when, exactly? I don't know. Maybe it was sometime in the past few days. Maybe it was when he confessed to me, or when I saw him cry. Maybe it was when he let me stay over at his house. Or maybe it was when I tackled him into the snow and wanted to kiss him. For all I know, it was when I saw him again at the Latin concert in the beginning of January, when I tried so desperately to suppress the fact that I'd wanted to see him again, but proved that fact by spending more than a half an hour looking for him…

I don't know when it was. But it happened.

And here we are.

Here he is, in my bedroom, in my bed, sleeping. And here I am at his side, wishing that he's dreaming about me, which makes no sense at all, because I know that right now, he couldn't possibly have a single pleasant dream about me. I'm watching him sleep, praying he's comfortable, and feeling myself falling somehow deeper in love with him, now that I know what that feeling is.

I've been selfish.

I've only been thinking about what _I_ want. _I_ want to be with him… _I_ want him to give me everything… What about wanting him to be happy? I want that, too. As I said before, I wish him all the happiness in the world. I told him he could have that if he found someone else, but the truth is, I can't stand the thought. When I went over to his house on Sunday, and asked him why he was acting like he didn't love me (or at least like nothing had ever happened), in all honesty I _wanted_ him to say it again, even though I told myself I didn't. I could listen to that sound forever. "I love you, Sanada… No, I _adore_ you…"

I've been such a hypocrite. I've been saying all this time that I want him to be happy, but I've been too scared to do anything about it. That's the problem with a lot of people, isn't it? They complain about what's wrong with the world, but they don't actually do anything about it themselves when _they're the ones who could._

I could make Atobe happy. He doesn't have to be alone anymore.

He has _me_ now.

And someone needs to tell him that when he wakes up.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**２月１５日木曜日**

**Thursday, February 15****th**

For the first time in my life, I truly believe that words have become insufficient to express my feelings. Up until this very moment, no matter what happened to me throughout the entire course of my existence, I have always had plenty of words to describe it. In fact, the only problem that I ever encountered in terms of expressing myself was knowing when to stop talking.

I suppose that if today were still yesterday, I would use a word like "happiness" to describe how I am currently feeling. I would probably go on to list some synonyms for that word, such as "joy" and "ecstasy" and maybe even "rapture," if I found myself getting particularly carried away. I would say things like "I feel as though I'm flying," and that "My heart is so full it might burst," and maybe even throw in some kind of extravagant and unnecessary metaphor, such as, "My soul is a rose, and it has finally opened up its petals to the world, bursting into full bloom in the sunlight."

But for the first time, these hackneyed clichés don't just feel like a bad movie script in desperate need of revision. No, they are simply unable to do justice to the true nature of this feeling. Even an excessive and melodramatic word like "rapture" sounds empty and cold, just a few small strokes scratched across a piece of paper, with no more significance or meaning then a blank page.

I suppose, in that case, that I will just have to stick to simple facts, as long as my words continue to fail me. After all, no matter how insufficient those words may be to describe it, I simply cannot survive another minute without giving some kind of expression to these frighteningly beautiful emotions that are taking root inside my heart. And above all else, I do not want to forget what has just happened to me, over the past twenty-four hours…

No, I want to remember it for the rest of my life.

By the time that I woke up yesterday, it was early in the afternoon, and my head was so clouded that I had almost forgotten why it took so long for me to fall asleep. But then I looked beside me, and there was the brand new journal still lying on my bed, and I remembered Sanada's letter and his kind apology and everything that had been on my mind the previous night. Just like that, all the frustration and confusion that I had felt came flooding over me, and I was filled once again with that completely ridiculous urge to see Sanada and ask him directly about it.

Even if I had decided that I had the courage to visit him, however, it didn't look as though I was going to be allowed out of the house. After my somewhat restless night, my fever had spiked again and my cough was worse, so the doctor said that I had clearly "overexerted" myself the previous day. (I'm not sure how simply going downstairs to have some tea during the afternoon could possibly be "overexerting" myself, but I digress.) So I had already resigned myself to another horribly dull day at home in bed, and I began to try to come up with new ways to distract myself.

I finally settled on the idea of reading a book for a while, but it was so uncomfortably silent in my room that I decided to turn on my sound system and set it to one of the quieter playlists. I sat there in my bed for nearly an hour, flipping through an 18th century German bildungsroman novel, with mostly classical music playing in the background. But suddenly, a different song came on over the speakers, a melody that attracted my attention before I even realized that I had noticed it. For a moment, I couldn't place the song, and so I couldn't understand why it had caught my ear by surprise. But then I remembered where it was from.

It was that tango song, the one from the concert.

It was the same song that Sanada and I had remembered so long ago, when we had been struggling to win our doubles match… The song that I had recognized during the concert in January, the one I couldn't get out of my head for days after seeing him again…

The song.

_Our_ song.

At this point, of course, I completely forgot about the book in my hands. Instead, I lost myself in the memories of all the times that Sanada and I had met over the past year, whether by chance or by design, sometimes in the most unexpected places. I thought about all of the trivial conversations, the heated arguments, the rare smiles… It seemed to me almost as though the memories themselves were forming a kind of dance, each one of them a different step but united by a common rhythm.

The song neared its climax, and I thought of the frustration I had felt, when I had been sitting in that concert hall in January listening to this exact same tune. I had been horribly frustrated, because I had been convinced that something was going to happen, and yet the only thing that had actually followed the song was silence. I had stood outside in the snow, waiting for Sanada to appear, but we missed each other and the evening had ended in disappointment. Yes, the dance ended for that night, and there had been no applause.

But now that I was thinking back on it, that wasn't quite true. Yes, that evening had been inconclusive, a pause in that subtle dance of ours, and yet it hadn't ended, either. That was the same time that I had become so frustrated with the situation that I had decided to confront someone about it, so I drove all the way to Rikkai two days later and found out the truth of what happened from Sanada himself.

It was always like that between us, I reflected. Sometimes I would take the lead, and sometimes he would… But Sanada was the stronger one, the one keeping his feet on the floor when I would get carried away with my steps and become unbalanced. And I was the one who would finally take the initiative, in those long pauses that seemed as though they would last forever, in those moments when both of us thought that perhaps the song was finally over. But then I would take another step… I would show up at his school, I would walk up to him in the park, I would force him to come home with me, I would call him on a Thursday night and prepare to tell him the most frightening thing that I have ever said aloud…

Suddenly, something occurred to me. What about now? What about this moment, when I was claiming to be so frustrated by this terrible silence, these unanswered questions about the letter that was lying, half-forgotten, on my bed? What was I doing, just sitting here by myself, waiting for something to happen?

I was letting the pause continue.

It was my turn to take the lead again.

I don't know when I had come to believe that our strange dance had ended. But the truth was that it hadn't ended at all. It had come to the end of the song, perhaps, but Sanada wasn't letting go, and I had been refusing to respond to his subtle gestures, his ambiguous statements that had no clear meaning. Wasn't this confusing letter on my bed the undeniable proof of that fact? Wasn't he waiting for me to ask him about it, hoping that I would give him a chance to explain himself? I had never given him a chance, after all… I had turned my back on him, retreated into my room, and shut the door.

But as long as this letter sat here on my bed, our dance had not ended at all. This was the final pause, perhaps, before we came to the end… It was true that I didn't want it to end, and that I was afraid of slipping and falling down again, just like I did in the snow on Friday night. But a pause can't last forever; every dance has to come to an end, no matter how painful it may be.

And it was my turn to take another step.

One last dance for us both.

This was something of the rather surreal train of thought that was racing through my mind, while I got out of bed and hurried to get dressed. I knew that I had to go to Sanada's house now; there was no avoiding it any longer. I slipped the journal with the letter into my school bag, gave my chauffeur a call on my cell phone (who had no idea, of course, that I was still supposed to be in bed), and then glanced at my closed door before creeping back into the closet. My butler was probably in my front parlor again, in case I needed anything, so there was no point in taking the normal route out of my room.

Fortunately, there is a certain small passageway inside my closet, the one that the laundress uses to pick up my clothes. So I tiptoed through this opening and out into the hallway, trying my best to be as quiet as possible. I was somewhat worried that I would cough and alert any nearby servants to my activity, but I actually managed to make it all the way downstairs and out a side door without any trouble. Before I knew it, I was inside my limousine and on my way to Sanada's house.

I spent the whole ride with that same tango song stuck in my head, but instead of annoying me like it used to, it was almost comforting to have that tune playing inside my mind, urging me on to what I assumed would be the last of my interaction with Sanada Genichiroh. I took the journal out of my bag for part of the drive, glancing over it a few times to remind myself what I wanted to ask him. And as I remembered what had bothered me so much about it, I found myself getting almost angry in my confusion. What in the world did Sanada mean by any of this, anyway? He said that he was _unworthy_ of me? At the very least, we were equals, but I knew better than that.

He is a wonderful person. I'm not stupid; I know when I've come across an inferior human being, and he is nothing like that at all. He is a strong, steady individual, the kind of person that you can always count on in every situation, and underneath that antisocial exterior of his, he has a vibrantly passionate and loving heart.

And he had dared to assert in this letter that I didn't really want him!

In any event, it took a long time to get to Sanada's house, and by the time I stepped out of my limousine, it finally occurred to me how reckless my behavior was. I may have wanted answers, but that didn't change the fact that I was showing up to Sanada Genichiroh's house uninvited, when my first visit there had been intimidating enough. And this time, it was almost twilight on a weekday, and there was no telling whether his whole family was there, or if they were already having dinner, or if Sanada was even home in the first place. And what was worse, I wasn't feeling well at all, and my cough was still causing me considerable discomfort. I certainly didn't want to start coughing in front of his relatives; that would have been terribly rude, and I was sure that it wouldn't leave a good impression on what I assumed must be a very strict family.

Still, I forced myself to walk up to the front door, even though my heart was pounding and I felt rather lightheaded. I stepped inside the entryway and took a deep breath before announcing myself, but even with that pause, I still could hear the nervousness in my voice. I only had to wait a brief moment, before I heard the very light sound of footsteps coming down the hall, and I was greeted by a beautiful middle-aged woman in a kimono. At first, this only made me more nervous; there was something in her dark eyes that was almost mysterious and was doing nothing to reassure me about my unexpected intrusion. But then she started talking, and there was something so soothing in her voice that I was finally able to breathe a bit easier.

She wished me a good evening, inquiring if there was something she could do for me. I suddenly realized that there was something strange about her, that she reminded me of someone else, but I still can't put a finger on who that could possibly be. In any case, I asked if her son was at home, assuming that she must have been Sanada's mother. She smiled at that, which gave me the distinct sensation that I had seen that same smile somewhere else, and then she turned and called down the hall, "Genichiroh! You have a visitor!"

I expected that Sanada would appear right away, but he didn't, which made me slightly more anxious. Sanada's mother then introduced herself, though I forget her name almost as soon as she said it, because my head was still so clouded. In any case, I tried to introduce myself as coherently as possible, bowing a little and giving her my name. She asked how I knew Sanada, so I told her that I played tennis for another school— Hyotei, if she had heard of it. She said that the name sounded familiar, but that her son didn't talk about tennis much, or rather that her son didn't talk much. (I found her hint of irony rather amusing, even in my more muddled state of mind.) She laughed a little, and I tried to laugh with her, but I really was starting to get nervous while I waited for Sanada to appear.

I started to try to explain that I had played doubles once with Sanada, in an attempt to explain a little better how I knew him. Unfortunately, that awful scratchy feeling in my throat suddenly worsened, and I started coughing in front of her. Needless to say, I was terribly embarrassed, but she immediately started expressing concern for me, saying that I sounded awful. I was trying to hold back the coughs, and asking her to excuse me, but she told me not to apologize and even put her hand to my forehead, remarking that I had a fever. She asked how I had caught such a horrible cold, and I was going to respond, but I had to pause for a moment…

In that moment, Sanada had appeared in the hallway.

He was wearing a yukata again, and his hair was wet, which slightly confused me. Still, I forced my eyes to look away, trying to stop myself from staring at him. I then told his mother that it was my own fault that I had caught a cold, because I had been waiting too long outside for… someone. (I certainly didn't want to get Sanada in trouble with his mother, just because I had been an idiot and waited so long for him.)

It was rather humorous, actually, because Sanada's mother responded to my explanation by exclaiming that it was "inconsiderate" for this someone to have kept me waiting, and wondering aloud who would have done "such a terrible thing." But then she noticed Sanada standing there, and she immediately asked her son what had taken _him_ so long. It was really quite ironic, the way that she was taking out her mild anger for my predicament on her son, when he really was the one who had kept me waiting. She pulled him into the room, and he started apologizing, saying that he had been in the bath (which explained the wet hair). But she just shook her head, saying something about how he had his father's bad timing. It was almost strange, to see someone as intimidating as Sanada being treated like a clumsy son, but I suppose that everyone must play the role of a child to someone, after all.

Well, needless to say, I was getting very impatient to talk to him, and the way that my heart had started pounding when he came into the room wasn't making it any easier to focus. Sanada's mother started saying something about bringing me some tea, but I declined her offer as politely as I could. She seemed to take the hint very graciously, saying that she would leave the two of us alone in that case, and that I should ask Sanada if I wanted anything.

The instant that she started walking down the hall, Sanada turned around and started hurrying down another hallway. I was a bit surprised, but I scrambled after him, trying to keep up even in my lightheaded daze. He was saying something about "talking," but I didn't quite catch it. I was really starting to feel sick now; my body was aching again, and I could tell that my fever had risen since that morning. We came into another room, which I was quickly able to identify as Sanada's bedroom, and Sanada closed the door and turned around and faced me. I stopped breathing for a moment; being alone with him inside an enclosed space was making me feel even dizzier than I already was.

But then I forced myself to remember why I was there, to take that next step, to ask him what that letter really meant. And so I was ready, when he asked in a surprisingly quiet voice what I was doing at his house. I reached into my bag and pulled out the journal that he had given me, and as I did, all of that frustrating confusion spilled right out of my lips. I waved the journal in front of him, demanding to know what in the world it meant. He seemed almost relieved, and he asked rather gently if I had read it. Well, this was just getting strange, at least from my point of view… Here I was, being so irritable with him, but Sanada was being so calm, not taking the slightest offense at my frustrated tone.

It occurred to me, for a brief instant, that this was the same Sanada who had written me such a kind and generous letter.

Still, as I said before, I was irritated, and it was becoming even more inconceivable by the minute that he could think that he was beneath me. So I told him that yes, I had read it, and that it was the most ridiculous thing that he had ever said to me, which I still think is the truth. And I demanded to know how he could believe a word of what he had written. He asked me what I meant, so I tried to open up to the letter, but my fingers were barely working… I was practically shaking, but I forced my hands to pry open the cover, and then my eyes skimmed quickly over the words. I pointed out that he had written that he didn't deserve me, and that I would be settling for him, and that I would be happier without him…

He confirmed that he had meant every word of it.

To be honest, I was appalled. Looking into his eyes, there wasn't even a hint of deceit in them; instead, they were filled with a warm sincerity that I had never seen before. But how could he possibly believe such things? I asked him rather bluntly if he thought I was stupid enough to fall in love with someone who didn't deserve me. I suppose it wasn't a very logical comment, but I would still like to think that I wouldn't lose my heart to someone despicable, and anyway, my thought process was becoming even more muddled by the second… He then calmly pointed out that I couldn't control who I fell in love with, and then I knew that I was in trouble, because _he_ was starting to be the voice of reason in this conversation, which was just completely unprecedented.

I tried to stammer out something about how it simply couldn't be true, and that I wasn't stupid at all, but it seemed as though the entire room had started to spin, and that some sort of heavy darkness was pressing in and weighing down on my head…

Apparently, I passed out in Sanada Genichiroh's bedroom.

The next thing that I knew, my eyes had opened halfway, and I was staring rather fuzzily at a completely unfamiliar ceiling. There was some kind of slight rustling noise in the room, and I moaned out Sanada's name, not even thinking about what I was doing. Much to my shock, I then heard Sanada's voice quietly saying my name in response. Just like that, I remembered where I was, and I tried to sit up in bed but only managed to come up halfway on one elbow in my haste. I immediately started asking what had happened, and what time it was, because it had become very dark.

I then saw Sanada kneeling next to me, and I felt his hands pressing gently against my shoulders, helping me lie back down again. He told me in his deep voice that it was eleven o'clock, and that I had passed out while we were talking and that he had decided to let me sleep for a while. Apparently, he had even told the chauffeur to come back tomorrow, so I asked in my confusion if I was spending the night, which he immediately confirmed. He then told me I wasn't allowed to argue with him, but the truth was that I was so bewildered and disoriented by all of this that I couldn't possibly have objected.

After all, here I was, lying on a futon on the floor of Sanada Genichiroh's bedroom, with Sanada himself hovering over me like some kind of guardian angel, when I could have sworn upon my life that he cared no more for me than he did for a speck of dust.

While I was still trying to comprehend this, Sanada walked over to a drawer and took something out, coming back over and handing it to me. It was a powder blue nemaki, one of those traditional Japanese robes for sleeping. He told me to change into it, saying that it would probably be more comfortable for me, but he warned me to try to avoid standing up, because he didn't want me to "get dizzy and fall over again." (I have to admit, this makes me wonder… I certainly didn't feel sore, which I would have expected to be if I really had fallen down onto the ground. Does that mean that Sanada caught me when I passed out?)

He then left the room, saying that he would get some medicine and make me some tea. I followed his orders and changed out of my own clothes, which was somewhat challenging, but after that, it was comparatively easy to slip into the Japanese robe. And I have to admit that I felt much better, being out of my own clothes which had been extremely hot and sweaty from the fever, and now draped in this cool, airy fabric that fell loosely across my skin.

Before long, Sanada had come back into the room again, holding several things in his arms. He knelt beside me again, handing me a glass of cold water, while he measured out some medicine for the fever and helped me take to it. He also helped me drink some of the tea that he had made; it was slightly sweet and very fragrant, and it was so soothing that I have to assume it was some kind of special homemade recipe to help a person fall asleep.

I think it was about this time that I started to feel rather choked up, not from my cold but rather a sudden and aching feeling of gratitude, that he was doing all of this for someone like me. After all, I'm not used to being taken care of by anyone, unless it's a person on my father's payroll and that happens to be a part of their job description. It was one of the warmest, sweetest things that I had ever felt in my whole life. I wanted to thank him, but somehow my mouth just couldn't form the words.

In the meantime, he had helped me to lie back down again, and he draped a cold washcloth over my forehead and helped me pull the blankets back over my chest. He asked me if I needed anything else, but I couldn't think of a single thing in the world that I wanted in that moment, so I said no. But then he started to pick up his alarm clock and a change of clothes, which confused me, so I asked him where he was going. He told me that he was going to sleep in the living room.

Instantly, I was filled with a rush of guilt… Somehow, it hadn't occurred to me that I was sleeping in _his_ bed, keeping him out of _his_ room. I tried to sit up again, saying that I refused to throw him out of his room just because I had passed out in his house, but he kneeled next to me and put a finger to my lips. I was so surprised that I fell silent, as he reassured me that it was "no big deal" and told me to try to go to sleep. I couldn't help sighing a little; he really was being so terribly kind, and I just couldn't understand why. It almost seemed like I must have been dreaming.

At that point, I simply couldn't help asking him why he was being so kind to me, but he just gave me that beautiful smile of his and reminded me that he "owed" me. And then I remembered the whole incident at my house, when I told him to spend the night because he had looked too exhausted and heartbroken to make it home. I was almost disappointed; that was such a logical answer, and I should have thought of it in the first place. Still, I couldn't help wishing that the real reason for his behavior was that he cared about me, but I already knew that was impossible…

Sanada Genichiroh taught me to believe in the impossible.

He seemed to notice my disappointment, and then suddenly, without any warning, he leaned in and kissed me lightly on the forehead, wishing me sweet dreams. I was almost too shocked to feel the instant flutter in my chest, that beautiful feeling that came over me at the slightest touch from his lips… I sat straight up in bed, staring at him as he tried to leave, as I desperately demanded to know "what that was for."

He stopped in the middle of the doorway and asked what I meant, but I was so stunned that I couldn't even begin to guess why he didn't know what I was talking about. So I just asked him very bluntly why he had kissed me like that. He was looking at me, but not really responding, and there was a strange expression on his face that I couldn't read at all. I was trying desperately to understand it… I _needed_ to understand it…

So I pointed out that he didn't have any feelings for me at all.

… Did he?

I simply couldn't help asking him.

He sighed and came back over to me, telling me that I shouldn't strain myself. And he kneeled again, saying something about how I "needed my rest" and should "go back to sleep." Needless to say, I was getting extremely frustrated; I had the distinct sensation that this was some kind of game that he was playing, and I wasn't in on the joke. So out of sheer desperation, I grabbed his robe and told him to be direct with me, told him that I needed to know the truth. He cracked another smile, and then he gave me his answer.

I was being completely honest; I really did need to know the truth. But in retrospect, I'm not certain that I was ready for the answer that he gave.

I wasn't prepared for my life to change forever.

It is just like Sanada to avoid responding with words, whenever he can. And he didn't bother to use a single word in this case. They say that actions speak louder than words, of course, and it's an overused cliché that gets applied to all sorts of irrelevant situations. But I can safely say that in this instance, it was an understatement.

Sanada's kiss against my lips was the most powerful statement that I have ever heard.

He had pulled me into his arms, and his lips were pressed firmly against my own, in an unmistakable expression of passion and longing. I had already dreamed of feeling Sanada's lips against mine, shortly after that incident where he fell on top of me in the snow, and I had firmly believed that no real feeling on earth could be more pleasurable than that. But my dream was like a flimsy shadow compared to the real thing, to that moist warmth hanging on his lips, to the intoxicatingly smooth motion of his mouth pushing firmly against my own. It was so powerful that I almost started to believe that I was drunk, and by the time that he pulled away, my head felt as though it was floating somewhere above the ceiling.

Sanada asked me if I was alright, but I was starting to feel rather dizzy again. So I told him that I was fine, but that I needed to lie down. I think he expected me to simply fall back down onto the bed like a well-behaved invalid, but to be perfectly honest, that kiss had made me feel quite capable of being wicked. So I pulled him down on top of me and continued to kiss him, as though tomorrow didn't exist, or at the very least that it didn't matter. In many ways, though, it really didn't matter at all…

How could tomorrow possibly matter, when I had Sanada Genichiroh's lips against my mouth?

I don't have the slightest idea how long we were lying on the floor like that, kissing each other again and again. I wish I had the words to describe all of the things that I was feeling in those moments, with the overpowering knowledge that Sanada not only cared for me, but that he reciprocated all of my love for him. I believe that I did wonder, for a split second, just when he had fallen for me, but it was a question that paled in significance compared to the answers that his lips were already giving. And even the most profound of those answers were unimportant, compared to the indescribable feeling of at last finding someone who was not only worthy of my affections, but also loved me in return.

How can I describe the feeling of having your love reciprocated, after part of you has started to believe that such a thing is impossible?

It is like the entire world being turned upside down, and before you know it, you find yourself falling headfirst into heaven.

The kissing was over all too quickly, despite the fact that it also seemed like it lasted forever… Sanada was the one who pulled away, insisting that I needed to go to sleep (I suppose it was out of concern for my condition, but at that point I could have died happy, for all I cared). He gave me one last kiss on the lips, brief this time, but just as sweet as the others, and then he told me goodnight. Now that the rush of excitement was over, I couldn't help feeling a profound sense of disbelief, and I started to wonder if I was really just dreaming all of this up, somewhere inside my head… But I told him goodnight as well, and then a drowsy feeling of exhaustion came over me. I must have fallen asleep almost instantly after that.

I don't remember any of my dreams, but I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that I had experienced nothing but pleasant ones for the past nine hours. My fever has finally broken, and I don't feel the slightest bit dizzy anymore, though I still have a cough. And so here I am, sitting in Sanada Genichiroh's bedroom, writing all of this down and still half-believing that I am simply going to wake up and find out that this was all one long, continuous dream, full of dreams within dreams. At first, I had decided that most of it couldn't have been a dream, since I am after all still in Sanada's room. So I concluded that I simply must have imagined the part where we were kissing, when I found out that he loved me. It had been so unexpected, after all, and he had surely left for school already, so I had no way of asking him whether or not it had really happened.

But when I walked over to my bag to take out my journal, so that I could try to write all of this down, I opened it up, only to have a separate piece of paper fall down to the floor. I instantly picked it up and read it, and this small piece of paper disproved my assumption that I must have dreamt up the most wonderful part of yesterday. And so I will enclose this tiny note after my entry, as proof to myself that dreams can fuse with reality, and that sometimes, despite every indication to the contrary, the impossible can still happen, in sheer defiance of the mundane.

I wanted to write some terribly eloquent entry about all of this, something that could convey all of the things that I am feeling, as I sit enveloped in the warmth of Sanada's bedroom and wait for him to come home. Still, I have been finding myself decidedly incapable of the task. There are no words for the indescribable, and there is a profound reason that writers and poets and artists have struggled for centuries to explain the very same emotion that I am feeling. So I will not try to do it any longer. Instead, I will return to one of the thoughts that I had, before any of this had happened, before my life had been changed for good…

I said something toward the beginning of this entry, about how I believed that my relationship with Sanada Genichiroh was like a dance, and that through all of our turbulent interaction together, we have been dancing to a song that we have heard playing through our minds, in a passionate, rhythmic tango. Step by step, we have danced through our initial indifference, then past a feeling almost akin to disgust, then a passionate dislike, and finally coming through that angry hatred to more confusing, contradictory feelings.

At times, though, that dance has felt more like a play, especially in the past month, when so much of our interaction was staged by two ambitious directors who apparently saw some sort of spark there that was invisible to us. And they nurtured that spark into a brilliant flash of light, something that I was forced to acknowledge, even as Sanada insisted on going through his lines with his eyes closed. But when Tezuka handed me the script to my most important scene, the one in the snow on a Friday night, I was convinced that it was the final climax to a tragedy. There seemed to be some kind of encore, though, some sort of last scene that needed to be played out, because the light had not been extinguished and the curtain would not come down, though I waited for it to do so for nearly five days after my tragedy had been concluded.

As it turned out, I have been acting the whole time in a romantic comedy, and someone simply forgot to give me the script for the finale.

I said near the beginning of this entry that when I decided to come here, I had assumed that yesterday evening was to be my last dance with Sanada Genichiroh. The strange thing is that I have been saying all along that every interaction with him would probably be my last, at least for a while, and yet that has never once been the case. And now he has given me the most unexpected surprise of all, in hinting that he would not only like to keep dancing this strange dance with me, but that he would rather call me his partner as we keep stepping awkwardly through life.

And so, with the happy reassurance that the note inside this journal has given me, that I did not imagine his request or exaggerate these events, I can conclude my thoughts for now, as incredible as they may be. And I may say this one final thing with confidence, no matter how unforeseeable the rest of our future still remains…

Our dance has only just begun.

Sincerely,

_Atobe Keigo_

跡部景吾

…

"_**Keigo-**_

_**I love you.**_

_**-Genichiroh"**_

…

The End.

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**Authors' Note:** That's the last chapter of Ice Breaker! We hope you enjoyed it! But we also wanted to let you know that there will be an epilogue, so stay tuned for one final part to this story. (It's going to be dedicated to all you Tango Pair lovers out there, since we figured you wanted a glimpse into their actual relationship, right?) We hope you'll look forward to it! Thanks for reading.


	13. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: **We claim no ownership of anything except our own computers. Hence this fic. Make of that what you will.

**Authors' Notes: **We bring you the much-anticipated epilogue! These are two journal entries written by Sanada and Atobe a month after the end of the last chapter. We hope you enjoy getting a peek into the future, and thank you for reading!

P.S. We finally enabled anonymous reviews (sorry about that) so please review! We love our reviewers. Let us know if you liked it!

* * *

**３月１４日水曜日**

**Wednesday, March 14****th**

You'll never guess where I am. I'm with Keigo on his private jet, about four hours into the sixteen-hour-or-so flight it takes to get from Tokyo to New York City.

Well, maybe it wouldn't have been so hard to guess that. I've been mentioning Keigo's hints about this trip for weeks, though he only just told me today exactly where we were going. I was a little shocked, I guess; I've never been to America, much less some famous, cosmopolitan place like New York City. And when he told me to bring something to keep me "occupied for the long flight," I had no idea that the plane ride was going to take an entire day. We're planning on going to sleep soon, though, and we should be asleep through most of the rest of it. Still, it all seems a bit overdone for a measly one-month anniversary. But I guess that's my boyfriend for you.

It was his idea that we should write in our journals for a while. He said it would be "a good time to reflect on everything that's happened," and I guess it's true that being with him hasn't left me much time to write about our relationship so far. By the time I get home after one of our dates (if I get home at all), I'm usually too tired and satisfied to feel like writing. It feels like empty words and a waste of time. So I've gotten into the habit of lying about what day it is when I actually write, and writing an entry the next day to make up for the day before, even though I swore I'd write every day this year…

I keep looking over at Keigo to make sure he's not reading what I'm writing. In fact, he just smacked me on the arm again for "being so paranoid." I suppose I am being paranoid. These chairs are certainly big enough; I don't think he could even read my writing from way over there.

But Keigo, if you are reading this, just know that I'm going to have to smack you around later. And I'll know that you're reading this because you're going to start laughing when you do. Don't even think about trying to stifle it back; I know you won't be able to.

Alright, he's not laughing, so he must not be reading this after all.

I feel a little silly writing at the same time he does. The way he writes is very hurried, almost like he can't get his thoughts down quickly enough. And when he does pause, he seems very thoughtful and focused, like he's simply looking for a certain word before he continues rushing his pen across the paper like he's trying to beat the clock. Me? I, on the other hand, write very slowly. It's a habit from my shoudou, and I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing. I just can't seem to keep writing if my last character doesn't look perfect. So I've found that going slower actually wastes less time, because I don't go back and correct every bad stroke. And I pause a lot between sentences. I'm never quite sure what to write next. So I sit here, staring at the page for a long time, and I keep getting distracted by the scratching noises Keigo's pen is making across his paper…

Anyway, I suppose this _is _a good time to reflect, since I'm sure Keigo has a ton of things that he wants to write about, and if I finish too quickly I'm going to be sitting here for a long time waiting for him to be done.

It's been a month since Valentine's Day, when he came to my house and slept in my bed, and I told him that I love him. I can't decide if I'm surprised that it's already been a month, or if I feel like there's no way all the wonderful things that have happened since we started going out could possibly fit into thirty days. No… twenty-eight, actually; last month was February.

It's been wonderful. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I hope it lasts forever, but I still wouldn't regret it even if it did have to end. I would never be able to go back and say, "I wish I had never gone out with him." I would never be able to say that it had been a waste of time, or that it wasn't real and it never should have happened.

No, Atobe Keigo has been the best thing that's ever happened to me.

In that sense, I would be devastated if this did have to end. Since I can't think of any better way to describe this, you'll have to excuse my toothache-inducing cliché… But ending our relationship would be like taking all of the sunshine out of my life. Once back in the darkness, though, I wouldn't regret having seen the sun.

Maybe I should try to explain _why_ it's been so wonderful. But the truth is, I'm not sure that I know why, exactly. We just love each other, more than we sometimes know how to express. And it seems like the more we get to know each other, the closer we want to be. At least, it's been that way for me.

One thing I really appreciate about Keigo is how much he needs me. I don't think he's ever said that, exactly; he doesn't have to, and I'd never make him. I can tell by the way he treats me that he wants me around, and I know that he's needed someone like me for a long time. And that's what _I _need. I need to know that I'm wanted, that I'm helpful and that I'm filling a place in his life that no one else can. I want to know that I'd be missed if I was gone. And I know that now. Keigo makes it pretty obvious that he misses me when I'm not there. To prove it, I have an inbox full of text messages I've received during school hours that made me so happy that I haven't had the heart to delete any of them yet.

I can't be arrogant about it, though; I need him just as much. Besides needing to know that he needs me, I just want to be around him. Being with Keigo makes me happier than I've ever been in my entire life. And when I'm not with him, I'm pretty sure I talk about him so much that Renji and Yukimura either want to seal my mouth with duct tape or hang themselves. And I know that's odd for me, to talk that much; I didn't even realize I knew _how _to talk that much. I guess it just proves how much I miss him when we're not together.

I'm not going to lie and say that absolutely everything has been perfect, and that we have no problems at all. Actually, we fight all the time. And it's not like it gets any easier each time to say, "I'm sorry." Sometimes it seems like it gets harder. But we've both learned to do it, and it's always been worth it, no matter how much it feels like it won't be beforehand, when we're both still angry.

I guess the hardest time was the first time. It had only been a week since our first official date, and we went back to Keigo's house on a Saturday night after another one of our outings. He said something that made me angry—I don't even remember what it was, I just remember that it was somewhat insensitive. I started yelling at him, he yelled back; I called him a snob and a whole bunch of other things I didn't mean… It was awful. I stormed out of his house and went home, having determined that he didn't want me as his boyfriend and that we never should have gone out in the first place if it was going to be like _this._

I couldn't sleep at all that night. I was still angry for a long time, still feeling hurt by whatever it was that he'd said. But then I started remembering all of the horrible things I'd said to _him_, and I realized that none of them were true, and that I still loved him and couldn't stand the thought of being without him. I couldn't stop thinking about how angry he must have been with me, and the thought of him hating me forever made me feel sick to my stomach. That's when I knew I had to go apologize. I went over to his house in the morning, praying he'd forgive me and take me back. It was hard to swallow my pride and go back to him like that, but the thought of losing him scared me too much to be able to avoid it.

I prepared myself to endure a cold confrontation in his parlor. I thought he was going to come out with his nose in the air, demand what I wanted and why in the world I was worthy of his forgiveness. I thought he was going to have me kissing his feet before he'd take me back. I even expected him to keep me waiting for a while, just to show that he was so far above me that he could waste my time. But I only had to wait about ten seconds for him to come out after his butler went into his room to get him; he must have shoved the poor man over in his rush to see me. He ran into the parlor and practically fell into my waiting arms.

Neither of us said anything for awhile, but once we did, all either of us could seem to say was how sorry we were.

And then I wrote about the rest of it already… Staying at his house for a long time, watching movies in his home theater, holding hands and rubbing arms and sneaking kisses the entire evening, the way I didn't want to go home… And then what I spent most of the entry talking about: how he took me up to his room and gave me the most unforgettable night of my life.

Even that, though, wasn't exactly like something out of a romance novel. I still had to get up at three in the morning just to get to school on time, and the whole thing had kind of been random in the first place. But I'm glad it happened when it did. If it had happened before we'd ever had a fight, I'd worry that the only thing we were holding onto was the sex. But as wonderful as that has been, that's definitely not what made us go running back to each other after that first fight, which we can prove simply by the fact that we hadn't gone there yet.

No, what we have is much deeper than that, and much more real. It's just like what I said about Keigo, when I compared him to a diamond. Both of us have our faults and our relationship has its imperfections, but that's what makes it precious.

So I've learned that fighting isn't always a bad thing. When it comes to Keigo and me, it's probably one of the better aspects of our relationship, actually. We drive each other crazy, but we're equals and we're honest enough with each other to say exactly how we feel—something I never had with Yukimura. And making up, I'd have to say, is perhaps the _best _part of our relationship.

Besides, what we fight about is never anything important. I'd be worried if it seemed like we really had serious problems with each other. But it's always about something so stupid that when I think about it later, I always wonder why we made such a big deal out of it.

I believe our latest fight had something to do with the fact that he takes too long to get ready sometimes. I'll meet him at his house for a date, but he'll still be picking out his outfit or messing with his hair. I mentioned this, and he got defensive (which means he made a cruel joke out of it). He said something like, "I'm just trying to make sure _I _don't look like a slob," seemingly implying that I never make any effort with my appearance (which isn't true, by the way). My reply was something like, "That's better than making a career out of it," and things just kind of went downhill from there. Do I _really _care that we always leave his house at least fifteen minutes later than we say we're going to? No. We always allow plenty of time and it never matters. And I don't love him any less for taking that extra time; in fact, I probably like him better for it because he really can look stunning when he wants to, and that's one of the things I love about him. (Not that he doesn't look great all the time, but that's a different story.)

I would finish up here, but my boyfriend has just informed me that I should keep writing. "'Almost done'? Don't be ridiculous, Genichiroh. I'm writing Shakespeare. Another five hours at least!" He doesn't have to be sarcastic. But god, I love him.

Let's see… What else can I write about? Well, the entry I wrote about our first date was criminally short. It was the weekend after Valentine's Day, Keigo was getting over his cold, and I was just starting to get it. (Which was just the beginning of a long, horrible chain reaction… I probably didn't mention this in my other entries, but everyone on my former team caught it, too.) Since I already had his cold, he figured it would be alright to take me to a fondue restaurant. And in case the common cooking pot had not adequately distributed our germs, we were feeding each other by the time we got to the chocolate dessert.

I'm kidding, of course; the last thing I was thinking about at that point was proper sanitation. That was probably one of the best meals I've ever had, not to mention one of the best _times_ I've ever had. I was a little nervous at the beginning—first dates are always like that, and it didn't help that I had no clue what the hell fondue was or if I would even like it—but by the end I realized just how much I enjoy his company. And it certainly didn't hurt that he was shoving delicious food into my mouth that was literally dripping with the best chocolate I've ever tasted. There was one piece of cheesecake left at the end that we decided to share. No, we didn't split it… we _shared _it. And there was further sharing of saliva after the cheesecake had been swallowed.

We should really go back there sometime.

Oh, there's something else I haven't been writing enough about: Yukimura. All my entries lately have been "Keigo, Keigo, Keigo," and I've been leaving a lot of important things unsaid…

Well, first of all, I'm glad that Yukimura and I have remained such good friends. After we broke up, I wasn't sure things would ever be right between us again. But things have been just fine since then. In fact, I think I can honestly say that he and I love each other as much as we ever did. Now we just don't have to worry about kissing and holding hands all the time, for no other reason than that's what boyfriends are supposed to do.

That's one thing that really bothered me for a while, though. I _liked_ kissing him and holding his hand, but not because it was him. Like any boy my age, I wanted to do that sort of thing, and I thought that if I ever wanted to, I should want to do it with him. I was wrong, of course, so it made sense and it was fine that we broke up, but it wasn't really fair. It had hardly been a week since we broke up that I started going out with Keigo. Because of that, all of my needs for affection were being taken care of, but what about Yukimura's?

That bothered me for a long time. I started to notice Yukimura's face darken a little every time I started talking about Keigo. He was happy for me, and he'd try to smile, but he couldn't seem to hold it for long. And then I'd feel bad for not remembering how lonely he must have been.

For the longest time, though, it didn't seem like there was anything I could do about it. Then, about a week before his birthday, Keigo told me (very excitedly) that he had a solution. He said he'd found out that Tezuka actually had feelings for Yukimura. (I guess Tezuka had told somebody that he had feelings for someone, and then Keigo heard about it and confronted him.) Anyway, my boyfriend decided that we should set them up.

I was a little hesitant about the whole thing. After Tezuka kissed Yukimura, I had always gotten the impression that Yukimura didn't want anything to do with him anymore. But Keigo insisted that Tezuka should send him flowers on his birthday, and we could just wait and see what would happen.

By the way, I did get to repay Yukimura for that watch he gave me on my half-birthday. I bought him a deep teal cashmere sweater that I thought would suit him. (Yes, Keigo helped me pay. When I saw the price on the sweater, I wanted to go look for something else, but he insisted he would chip in about 70 percent. I tried to talk him out of it, but to no avail.) Yukimura really seemed to like it, which made me happy. And as for the kiss he'd given me with the watch, I repaid that with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. (Don't worry, I asked my boyfriend beforehand for permission.)

He got the bouquet that Tezuka sent him, which consisted of a beautiful, hand-picked selection of flowers from the Atobe family greenhouse. The only reaction I could get out of Yukimura, though, was, "Oh, yes. That was very sweet of him." He seemed both disinterested and sad when he said it, and he told me that he had no intention of making any sort of reply to the kind gesture. So the next day, I tried to convince Keigo that nothing was going to come of it. We both thought it was a shame.

Several days later, though, I went over to Yukimura's house to study for a test with Renji and him. Renji was helping with tennis practice for the day, so for a little while, it was just me and Yukimura. The flowers Tezuka had sent were in a vase in his room, and when I pointed out that they looked pretty on his nightstand, he mentioned wistfully that some of them had started to wilt. He went on for a little while about how he'd tried to put plant food in the water, and had kept them out of direct sunlight to keep them from drying out, but that they still hadn't lasted as long as he'd hoped they would… He didn't even seem to hear what he was saying. After the way he'd treated the flowers when he'd received them, I'd almost expected to find out that he'd thrown them away.

I told him that, if he really wanted, I could go with Keigo to the greenhouse and pick him another bouquet, but he seemed surprised by the offer, as if that hadn't been what he'd wanted to imply. He told me not to bother. Well, to me, it seemed obvious enough that the flowers were special to him because they'd been from Tezuka. Even the way he stood up to go look at them as I was thinking about it, the way he took one of the orchids in his hand and smelled it with the saddest expression of longing I've ever seen on his face…

I didn't let him hear the end of it. For the rest of the night, I kept bothering him about calling Tezuka. At first it was simply on the basis that he should let Tezuka know how much he appreciated the flowers. But then I started implying that he had feelings for Tezuka, and (with Renji on my side) tried to convince Yukimura to call him. He refused, but I could tell he was considering the idea.

The next day at school, I continued to bug him about it. I told him that they should meet somewhere and talk, because even if they didn't start going out, they still had a lot they should work through. The last time they saw each other was probably the day they kissed, and I don't even want to think about what kind of note they must have left on. Tezuka did call Yukimura a few days later, but that was about Keigo, and I'm sure they left it at that. I told Yukimura that they couldn't just leave it there; they had to talk through all of that, not to mention the fact that Yukimura had never thanked Tezuka for helping him set me up with Keigo. And I also thought it wouldn't hurt for me to keep insisting that they both had feelings for each other.

Eventually, he gave in, and he called Tezuka during lunch. They set up a meeting that Sunday (this last Sunday) to go to the coffee shop that we all went to after we "accidently" met at the aquarium. I called Keigo while they were still setting all of this up, and he came up with a brilliant plan. We were going to convince Yukimura and Tezuka that the upcoming meeting was actually a _date_, because Yukimura, obviously Tezuka thought that's what you meant, and Tezuka, Yukimura was obviously asking you out.

On my end, the idea seemed to cause some stress. Yukimura wanted to call Tezuka back and confirm that their meeting was, in fact, _not _a date, but I took the phone away from him. After more nagging, I finally got Yukimura to admit that a date was what he wanted, and from there the only issue seemed to be what the hell was he going to wear. (I quote; talking about Tezuka lately has had an interesting effect on Yukimura, in that he sometimes starts to swear mildly.)

As far as I heard, everything went quite well. They had coffee and enjoyed talking so much that they went to Tezuka's house after the café closed. Yukimura told me that he felt very comfortable in Tezuka's house, because it reminded him of mine. And from what I heard, there was a reluctant, drawn-out goodnight that somehow involved a kiss.

I can't wait to hear how everything turns out. I think they planned another date sometime while Keigo and I are away.

It was interesting to hear everyone's reactions at school, when they found out that Yukimura and Tezuka had been on a date. Then again, it was interesting to hear their reactions about Keigo and me, too… Akaya still wishes that Yukimura and I would get back together. Marui seems to approve of my relationship, but thinks that Yukimura being with Tezuka is rather random. Nioh thinks the opposite; he doesn't mind Tezuka but he's always hated Hyotei and Keigo in particular. I can't tell what Yagyuu thinks. He wished us both happiness and me "good luck." Renji, of course, thinks things have worked out nicely. Jackal, I think, has given up; he said something about never knowing what's going on anymore. But he's still recovering from the cold I gave him. He held out the longest, and we all thought he wasn't going to get it, but about a week ago, he started sniffling and coughing. The stress from entrance exams hasn't exactly been helping him get over it.

High school is going to be interesting. I'm glad I'm still going to the same school as all of my friends (we all passed with flying colors), but part of me almost wishes I'd applied to Hyotei. I know that's unrealistic, but still… I'll admit that it's been a little hard having a semi-long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. I wish I had more time to see him. But I guess, if anything, it's made the time we do have together that much sweeter. We'll definitely make it work. And we'll be seeing a lot of each other this summer, when tennis season starts.

And with a kiss from my boyfriend letting me know that he's finished writing (probably twice as much as I've written) and a whisper that he'll meet me in the back cabin when I'm done, I think I'll end my entry here. I don't know what he has planned when we get to New York, but I'm sure I'll enjoy whatever it is.

As long as I'm with him, I'm happy.

And I mean that. Always.

真田弦一郎

_Sanada Genichiroh_

…

**３月１４日水曜日**

Wednesday, February 14th

I have been sitting here for the past minute or so, trying to think of the perfect way to begin this entry, but it is rather difficult to concentrate when your terribly handsome boyfriend is sitting next you. This is especially true when said boyfriend is not only terribly handsome, but also keeps looking up every ten seconds with a quizzical expression that is clearly trying to say, "Why aren't you writing yet?" So instead of trying to come up with something overly eloquent, I will simply set the scene, such as it is.

I am sitting on one of my family's private jets, en route to New York City, and it has been exactly one month since Sanada Genichiroh and I first became a couple. (Technically, we officially became a couple on the 15th, but since my feelings for him were first reciprocated on the 14th, I decided that day should count as well.) And since we have approximately seventeen hours on a plane to kill, I suggested that he and I write in our journals for a little while, since neither of us has been able to write very frequently over the past month. Since that is the case, I'm still writing in the journal that he gave me, and I can see that he is writing his entry with the pen that I bought him, which seems appropriate.

I don't know exactly what he's going to write about, but I thought that I would take this chance to reflect a little on what it's been like, to have a relationship with someone like Genichiroh. I already wrote about some of this, of course, but now I finally have the chance to think clearly about everything that has happened, instead of being swept up in the emotion of the moment. (And I can assure you that I have never felt so many emotions as I have in these past four weeks.)

If I were to sum it up in one word, I would say that our relationship so far has been passionate. It hasn't always been picture-perfect, of course, and there have been some moments even in this early stage that I would prefer to forget. But at least I can say with confidence that neither one of us is neutral, when it comes to how we feel about each other. As for myself, I have come to find out what a word like "love" really means, and that what I feel for Genichiroh needs to go deeper than simple infatuation, if I am going to call it something as important as "love."

I think that I can honestly say now that I do love him, very deeply, even though I am still learning about what love really is.

I think some part of me, in spite of my better judgment, did believe that as long as I had a boyfriend, everything about our relationship would unfold like some kind of fairy tale. And the truth is that it did, at least at first… Our first date together was perfect, despite the fact that I was terribly nervous and worried that I was going to say or do something stupid, in spite of how extensively I had prepared for that evening. (And that's not even mentioning the fact that I was still recovering from my cold, but I digress.) In any event, I made reservations at that very exclusive fondue restaurant for the two of us, with the hope of trying to impress Genichiroh and show him how glad I was to be dating him (though in retrospect I'm glad that he wasn't intimidated by such an intimate setting, because I think most people would have been). I was a little concerned that he wouldn't like the food, since he's from such a traditional Japanese family, but by the time that I was able to introduce him to the wonders of chocolate fondue, I knew I didn't have to worry. (Yes, it's quite humorous and unexpected, but Genichiroh really likes chocolate, in spite of his stern appearance.)

We spent most of the time talking, since we were both a bit too nervous to do much of anything else, but I did get the chance to flirt a little by the time the dessert came… I asked him if he liked strawberries, and when he said yes, I dipped a big red one into the chocolate and popped it right into his mouth. After that, I kept feeding him, like I already mentioned in this journal, and that was what led up to the whole "cheesecake-sharing" incident, along with what was literally the sweetest kiss I have ever had. Needless to say, I went to bed that night thinking that I was the luckiest person alive, to have a picture-perfect boyfriend who is just as crazy about me as I am about him.

Unfortunately, the second date wasn't nearly as pleasant, and that was when my all of illusions about fairy tale romances came to an ugly end. I had sent Genichiroh a text message sometime during the week, asking if he had ever been to the opera. He said that he hadn't, so I asked him if he would like to go with me, since my parents had other plans and my family's private box at the theatre would otherwise be empty. He accepted, and he showed up at my house looking very handsome and happy to see me, so I couldn't help assuming that this evening would be just as nice as the last.

The conversation before the opera began was pleasant enough, but about an hour into the first act, I noticed that Genichiroh was nodding off. It's not an uncommon occurrence, by any means; my own grandfather usually falls asleep at every single opera we attend, and he considers himself quite the expert on all things "artistic." So I nudged my boyfriend and told him in a whisper that I would take him home.

It was a very quiet ride back to my house; I noticed that Genichiroh seemed pretty embarrassed about having fallen asleep. We headed back into my room, and that was when the problem began. I didn't actually mind leaving the theater, but the sheepish way that he started to thank me for being so understanding was making me uncomfortable. I just wanted to make light of it and change the subject, but unfortunately, I said the stupidest thing that I have ever uttered in my entire life…

"It's alright. I should have known you weren't sophisticated enough to appreciate it."

Even now when I think about it, I actually cringe. I don't know why I said something like that; it's just my horrible habit of trying to avoid uncomfortable situations by using sarcasm to hide my own emotions. Anyway, Genichiroh was not amused, and he not only bristled at the comment, but immediately started yelling at me… Which ultimately led to the fight that I ranted about in my journal entry on that particular night. He was shouting all kinds of things about how I was such a snob, and I was screaming right back at him, saying that he was a simpleton and an ignoramus. Eventually, I yelled something along the lines of, "In that case, why don't you just get out of my house?" and he immediately retorted, "Gladly!" And then he stormed out of my room and slammed the door so hard that some of my furniture rattled.

It made me so angry that I just wanted to throw something, so I walked over to the desk and hurtled the first thing that my hand could grasp. It collided with the closed door and slid down to the ground, and just like that, nearly all of my frustration vanished. But then I noticed what I had thrown… This journal was lying on the floor, with the cover open and some of the pages crinkled. I went to pick it up, and suddenly, I realized what I had done. I had called Sanada Genichiroh all kinds of horrible names and told him to get out of my house, all because of one stupid comment that was my fault in the first place.

It didn't take very long for me to become convinced that he was going to break up with me.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. I kept thinking about all of the horrible things that I had said, and how Genichiroh had been absolutely right. I _was_ a snob. I had said something so heartless and rude to my own boyfriend, when I should have been thinking about how embarrassed he must have felt in that situation. Instead of telling him that it was alright and that I loved him anyway, I told him that he was an idiot. And I hadn't even apologized for my awful behavior; no, I had told him to "get out of my house!"

I couldn't help thinking that I deserved it, if he decided to break up with me for what I had done. I could hear all of the comments already, when our friends found out that we had broken up after our second date: "Told you so. They only lasted a week. Of course, it was Atobe's fault, that snob. No wonder he's never had a boyfriend."

The thing that really bothered me was that those comments would have been completely justified.

What was even worse was that I couldn't help thinking about how much I still loved him. I didn't want our relationship to be over; it had only just begun, after all, and there were still so many things that we never had the chance to do together. But more than that, I knew that it would be even harder to forget about Genichiroh, now that I knew what it was like to be in a relationship with him. It had only been a week, and already I had come to need him in my life, to need those pointless text messages he sent me in class and the long phone conversations we shared in the evenings and the beautiful flowers he sent to my house, "to go with the rose I gave you on our date," as he said over the phone.

No, I didn't even want to think about living life without him. And it had only been a week.

The next morning was terrible, too… I was so upset that I couldn't even eat, and I kept waiting for Genichiroh to call me and tell me that it was over. I tried to get up the courage to call him and tell him I was sorry, but I couldn't help thinking that if I was him, I wouldn't even pick up the phone. I couldn't stop thinking about how foolish I had been, and how much I still loved him and didn't want our relationship to be over. And then at about ten o'clock in the morning, my butler came into my bedroom and announced that Sanada Genichiroh was here to see me.

Normally, I have a terrible time swallowing my pride and choking out the words, "I'm sorry," even when I'm clearly the one in the wrong. This time, I ignored my pride completely, and I ran out of my room and straight into his arms.

It surprised me, when the first words that came out of his mouth were, "I'm sorry." In fact, it seemed as though neither of us could apologize enough for the way we had fought, and it was hard to believe that we had been so angry the night before. I think that was the first time that I realized that our relationship truly had the potential to last; if we weren't afraid to apologize to each other, then there was no reason for us to break up simply because of a fight. What was even more important was the fact that we loved each other enough to say that we were sorry, in spite of the fact that we both have rather large egos and aren't used to having to humble ourselves in front of others.

I can't even express how close I felt to him for the rest of that day. He stayed for the whole afternoon and late into the evening, when we were watching a movie in my home theater and starting kissing, as I mentioned in previous entries. That was when I decided that I wanted to give every part of myself to him, to this man who loved me enough to come all the way back to my house after a horrible fight, just to tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I wrote about the rest of that evening already, of course; it was an amazing night, and again, if I could only use one word to describe it, it would have to be "passionate."

It wasn't something out of a romance movie, though; Genichiroh had to get up at three o'clock in the morning just to make it to school on time. And it wasn't planned in advance, or the result of some kind of explosion of sexual tension; in fact, the timing was actually rather random, and I remember feeling relatively calm as I led him up to my room. But there was something about it that was a thousand times better than a picture-perfect love scene. I can't really explain it, but the fact that it was a direct result of our relationship being strengthened by our mutual apology might have had something to do with it. I gave myself to him, knowing that he wouldn't just leave me in the morning, knowing without a doubt that he wasn't just there for the sex…

It was completely different from any other sexual encounter that I've had, because I knew for a fact that he truly cared about me.

It was that particular day that taught me that the important thing about having a relationship isn't avoiding conflict. It is knowing how to make up after a fight. If you and your partner are equals, you will inevitably clash every once in a while, but if you respect and love each other enough to be fair and admit your own faults, you can survive even the ugliest arguments.

We still fight, of course, and I don't exactly enjoy it. He grumbles about my flashy personality and my tendency to overdo everything, and I complain about his stick-in-the-mud attitude. But I have come to realize that fighting is just a part of having a relationship, and that the feeling of closeness that comes after making up is better than any picture-perfect fairy tale. It's better because it's real, not some kind of unattainable fantasy. And I will never have to wonder if Genichiroh would still love me if he knew about my faults, because he already does. He accepts me exactly as I am, just as I accept him for who he is, nothing more and nothing less.

That is what it truly means to love someone, after all.

Needless to say, our friends have all had some interesting reactions to our relationship. When I first told my teammates that I was going out with Sanada Genichiroh, I was met with nothing but blank stares for the first minute or so. But then Jiroh's eyes lit up, and he immediately started congratulating me (since he and Kabaji were the only ones who had known about my crush on Genichiroh in advance). Shishido and Gakuto's reactions were identical: "What in the _hell_, Atobe?" (They're just so eloquent when they have no idea what's going on.) As for Kabaji, he just had this slight smile on his face, and Ootori probably had the most predictable reaction of surprise: "Really, Atobe-san? I didn't even know you liked him!" Hiyoshi didn't say anything, but he did betray his confusion by raising his eyebrows rather quizzically at me.

As for Oshitari, he had the strangest reaction of all. He just smirked and said, "I figured it was something like that. Congratulations, Atobe."

Honestly, sometimes that man's perceptiveness truly scares me.

Anyway, since that time, they've all gotten used to the idea (and have become thoroughly acquainted with the circumstances that led up to this point). In general, they seem unexpectedly supportive of our relationship, and some of them have even given me some remarkably good advice during times that I've been at a loss as to what to do. I have to admit, I am somewhat amused that clueless individuals like Shishido are actually more experienced in the world of dating than I am. Well, I suppose I can't be the expert at everything, can I? The important thing is that I'm willing to learn.

Interestingly, there is _one_ thing about our relationship that some of my friends complain about… As Shishido phrased it: "This doesn't mean that we're going to have to be nice to those Rikkai jerks, does it?" I have to admit, I'm rather amused at this perceived rivalry between our two schools, even though our teams never actually competed against each other during tennis season. Shortly after our first date, Genichiroh caught the cold that I had been dealing with all week, and as I understand it, this also eventually resulted in the rest of his team getting the same cold. It's somewhat amusing to think that this incident proves that our teams are connected now through our relationship, whether everyone else likes it or not. (It's also amusing that my supposedly second-rate team caused the infamous Rikkai regulars to succumb to a cold.)

Speaking of Rikkai, it occurs to me that I never really wrote in depth about the way that Genichiroh and I played matchmaker over the past month. Well, needless to say, it was quite the challenge, given that our targets were none other than the two stubborn captains that conspired to set up Genichiroh and me as a couple. But then again, I do love a good challenge, and it was just too tempting to resist helping them open their eyes to reality. It was my revenge on them for interfering, or perhaps my expression of gratitude, depending on how you look at it.

Of course, Tezuka had told me specifically that nothing would ever happen between him and Yukimura, mostly because of the complicated situation with Genichiroh, but I wasn't going to let that stop them from getting together. After all, even though I was mired in my own problems at the time, I had a suspicion that Tezuka didn't actually want to stop pursuing Yukimura. It seemed likely to me that he actually had feelings for him, and that the kiss they shared hadn't merely been the result of a foolish impulse. Well, as it turns out, I was absolutely right.

About a week after Valentine's Day, I received a phone call from Fuji Shusuke, of all people, and became privy to some very interesting information. Fuji said that he had overheard Tezuka telling an particularly persistent girl that he had feelings for someone else, as a way of explaining why he couldn't accept her chocolates. As Fuji observed, it just wasn't like Tezuka to lie about something like that, but since he had no idea what Tezuka was talking about, he had decided to give me a call and ask if I knew who this person was. I told Fuji that I didn't know for certain, but that I would find out. Even at that point, though, I had a suspicion that it must have been Yukimura, because Tezuka saying out loud that he had feelings for someone was on par with Tezuka kissing someone… Up until the past few weeks, it simply didn't happen.

So I gave Tezuka a call and asked if he would come over to my house for a visit. Needless to say, he seemed surprised, presumably due to the fact that we hadn't spoken since the time that he told me to confess my feelings for Genichiroh. When Tezuka finally arrived at my house, he admitted that he had made a decision to leave me alone since his last visit, because he felt guilty about what he had recommended. Well, it wasn't Tezuka's fault that I had chosen to confess to Genichiroh so quickly, or that events had unfolded as they did. Besides, as I pointed out to him, I couldn't have been happier with the final result. Ultimately, Tezuka had been right: when I finally worked up the courage to tell Genichiroh how I felt, he came to realize his feelings for me, and my love for him was reciprocated. So I reassured him that I still considered him my friend, and that I even owed him a debt, which I intended to repay as soon as possible.

I then proceeded to inform him of what Fuji had told me during the phone call. As one might expect of Tezuka, he didn't try to deny it, but he also didn't say anything more. I tried to ask him who this mysterious individual was, but again, he wouldn't answer my questions. Well, I didn't see any harm in stirring him up a little, so I asked him directly if the person in question was Yukimura. He actually stood up and denied it, in a loud voice that I certainly didn't expect from him. Of course, this only confirmed my suspicions, but it took a considerable amount of conversation for him to finally admit that yes, that was the person that he meant, but he didn't intend to do a thing about it. As for the rest of the conversation, I believe I have written about it already, but suffice to say that I reminded him of what he had once said to me. I asked him if he, too, wasn't dissatisfied with the prospect of remaining alone for the rest of his life. After a great deal of nagging on my part, he finally agreed to follow my suggestions on the matter, especially after I reminded him that it was the least he could do for not coming to visit me when I was sick. (I have to admit, it's shameless of me to play off of the guilt of other people, but when you're dealing with such stubborn individuals, it often proves to be one of the only effective methods.)

Anyway, I convinced him to send Yukimura a present on his birthday, which was on March 5th. He agreed, and after consulting Genichiroh about the matter, I suggested that he select some flowers from my family's greenhouse to be put in a bouquet and sent to his house. It seemed fitting, since one of Yukimura's favorite hobbies is gardening, and Genichiroh informed me that he also knows a great deal about flowers. Tezuka protested at first, saying that something like flowers would be too sentimental, but I couldn't help noticing afterward how absorbed he became in the task of selecting which flowers to use. It was really quite romantic, and I couldn't help hoping that Yukimura would be receptive to the gesture, because by now I could see clearly that my friend was head over heels for him.

Unfortunately, a few days passed with no response. Genichiroh informed me that Yukimura seemed to be making light of the gift, and didn't even appear to have any intention of thanking Tezuka for it. But then Tezuka finally got a call from Yukimura, and they agreed to meet at the coffee shop where Tezuka and I used to go to talk. Well, I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass, so I convinced Genichiroh to help me set them up even further. His assignment was to persuade Yukimura that Tezuka was probably under the impression that they were going on a date. My assignment was to inform Tezuka that Yukimura had clearly just asked him out. There were some frayed nerves and a few outbursts of frustration, but ultimately, Tezuka headed for the coffee shop on the appointed day as promised.

Apparently, the "date" went rather well. I talked with Tezuka the next day, and he said they spent the entire afternoon talking in that little coffee shop, until it was so late that they had to leave due to the shop closing. (I playfully observed that he had certainly never devoted so much time to _our_ conversations there.) They then went to Tezuka's house, where Yukimura had seemed surprisingly at home, at least according to Tezuka's version of the story. They had gotten along very well, and then the time came for them to say goodnight, at which point there was apparently a very promising goodnight kiss. I hear that they've even planned a date while Genichiroh and I are away on vacation, so it should be quite interesting to see what happens between them from now on.

Needless to say, I couldn't be happier for them both, and Genichiroh and I can't help thinking that in some ways their relationship resembles ours. They were both so frustrated when they felt that they couldn't be together, and often tried to pretend that they meant nothing to each other when they were asked about it. But now that they are finally together, their relationship is turning out to be quite promising, in spite of the confusion of the rest of their acquaintances. And I can't help being especially happy for Tezuka. After all, he and I have shared the same loneliness, when most of the people around us were happily in love. It seems as though those days are finally behind us, contrary to both of our expectations. I know that two months ago, I never would have expected to find myself in a relationship with Sanada Genichiroh, and I certainly never would have expected to be so happy because of it.

In any case, that happiness is why I decided to take Genichiroh on this trip to New York, despite the fact that even I am well aware that something like a one-month anniversary hardly merits a gift. Still, I do owe him a present, since just a little over a month ago, he gave me something that I will always treasure more than anything money could buy. That, of course, is the letter that is written inside this journal, the one that eventually led to his confession of love for me.

So in return for that gift, I have decided to bring him to New York and treat him to a stay in my family's penthouse apartment. Of course, I'll probably take him shopping, as well as introduce him to the sights of the city… I'll probably even find out if a Broadway musical can keep him awake, where the opera in Tokyo failed.

But there is one thing that I will ask to do first, before we start to enjoy ourselves. I want to share one certain moment with him, a moment that I can hold onto for the rest of my life, as a reminder that even the most impossible wishes are occasionally granted, even outside of the world of fairy tales…

So I will take him down into the middle of Time Square, and I will share a kiss with him, just as I watched a million other people do on the very first minute of this year.

That kiss, for me, will be the start of my own new beginning. I will be entering high school soon, just as I have recently entered into this new relationship with someone I truly care about. Even if I am somewhat apprehensive about whether this happiness with Genichiroh can last, I am looking forward to spending the future with him, no matter how long that may be. After all, we will both be creating a new chapter in our lives, as two people slowly learning how to love each other.

I may have been forced to give up my fairy tale, but what I have with Genichiroh is real.

I truly couldn't be happier.

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾


End file.
